Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy 2024 * * * Stars

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!!!

2024's Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is a documentary about how branded companies supply ruses and duplicity to get you to purchase their goods no matter the cost or whether you need said goods or not. "It just becomes this cycle of pain." Oh yeah, true dat. 

"Buy Now!", well it has interviews from people who worked at Adidas, Apple, and Amazon. Now those same people are pseudo whistleblowers, angered after leaving their corporations and venting as if they could taste their 15 minutes of fame. I mean I sure hope they got paid for exposing their cohorts now that they're out of a job. "They know you, like we know you". Uh, that's not dodgy at all.

So yeah, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is the antithesis to the concept of consumerism and the antiserum to the protection of the natural world. Just picture an ESPN, 30 for 30 episode but without the concept of sports. Just picture a warped-out, Peter Gabriel music video sans the Claymation. Just picture a cinematic acid trip complete with multiple facets of sensory overload. Just picture this, that, and just about everything else when it comes to the "pink elephant" conch that is "Buy Now!".

Sure the film feels one-sided and sort of fan-made when it comes to the wronged art of non-procuring. Sure there's this AI narration throughout that'll give you the ill at ease, creep-o alerts. And sure, "Buy Now!" doesn't have much of a narrative and/or structure, just a rinse, repeat cycle of accounts via some disgruntled workers on the corporate lam. Still, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is tantalizing in the way it distributes its rather cryptic info about scraps and detritus that tend to take our environment for a duff ride. Heck, it's the type of flick you could show agog high schoolers on Earth Day. Unix "conspiracy". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Christmas Brew 2024 * * * Stars

NEAR BEER

Unseasoned director Vincenzo Conrorio helms 2024's The Christmas Brew. And yeah, it's not the most Christmassy movie with Christmas in the title. "Brew" is about beer though in spades, the same way last year's A Christmas Vintage was about well, wine. "Was there ever a world in which I got to keep running my brewery?" Easy there big guy, good times ahead.  

The Christmas Brew, well it's like watching a holiday flick where you ditch the cutesy hat, nuzzle the slow burn, and go for the more entrancing, silly season spectacle. I mean there's a little less Yuletide schmaltz and a little more at stake in terms of the fate of its characters. Every frame feels like small town, Upstate New York (because it is). Every scene involves the actors in various pregnant pauses, as live and/or otherwise, coffee shop music inhabits almost every bit of background noise. Heck, I was waiting for the owner of Starbucks to pop up on screen via some shameless plug. In case y'all didn't know, the biggest roastery reserve in the world does occasionally serve the suds in various locations. 

So yeah, "Brew" stars Kaitlyn Lunardi, James Liddell, and Jeremy Cohen. Now for all intensive purposes, is the film a romcom where the two leads get their googly eyes on and take forever to rendezvous? Sort of but not really (if that makes any sense). And is "Brew" more about the corporate takeover of a business where it's you know, "just business?" Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize. The Christmas Brew has a diegesis where a consultant tries to help purchase a local, ale-making establishment only to later find out that her company plans to turn it into a gas station and/or a quasi, 7-Eleven (ugh). "Sweetheart, I don't think you understand how this racket works". Okay Gordon Gekko, whatevs. "Brew" up. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas in Evergreen 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

MIXED SNOW JOB

TV movie monger Alex Zamm directs 2017's Christmas in Evergreen. And oh yeah, he's done a few other holiday flicks as well (A Christmas Prince, A Royal Christmas). With "Evergreen", Zamm puts Christmastime in the forefront, with every frame looking like a Yuletide postcard or the inside of some gleaming snow globe (I'll get to that later). The late Frank Capra and the late Nora Ephron, well they would be mildly proud if not wincing up in heaven. "That magic, it's all around us". Okay easy there Kris Kringle.

Christmas in Evergreen, yeah it's a slow burn, a paint dryer, devoid of dramatic heft but it still managing to somewhat tickle those warm, winter fuzzy-s. Think Christmassy, think Frankenmuth, Michigan on steroids, think I got to get a steaming cup of hot chocolate poured on my head. Good old British Columbia, Canada, well it substitutes for East Coast Vermont as "Evergreen's" minuscule shooting location. "This is what Xmas is supposed to look like". I guess. Yo, what's up with those artificial, CGI snowflakes? Yikes.  

Starring the likes of Ashley Williams, Teddy Sears, and Barbara Niven (they sure do like to mug to the camera), Christmas in Evergreen lives in a cinematic fantasy land and still manages to include those silly season, plot cliches. I mean there's the girl everyone loves who wants to leave her hometown to find herself (check). There's the single dad she meets that lost his wife a year earlier (check it). Then there's the ending Christmas festival that has to succeed or else the town in question becomes kaput (check yourself before you wreck yourself). Finally there's that big smooch at the end (check mate). Add some fake, atmospheric water vapor (mentioned earlier), a snow globe that grants wishes (also mentioned earlier), and a pseudo Santa that spews knowledge like an annoying Greek chorus and you have a harmless day of festivity flick that's predictable as ugly sweaters near the end of December. "Christmas" tided.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top 10 Holiday Movies of All Time (2024 Reissue)

1. Scrooge 1951 * * * * Stars
    Director: Brian Desmond Hurst
    Rated G
    Cast: Alastair Sim, Jack Warner,
    Kathleen Harrison

The Alpha and Omega of holiday films with Alastair Sim fitting the role of grumpy miser Scrooge like a smooth Isotoner glove. This is the purest and most nostalgic entry of Dicken's classic tale that I can remember. This timeless story was remade countless times but never reached the emotional heights that director Brian Desmond Hurst's 1951 classic did.

2. Catch Me If You Can 2002 * * * * Stars
    Director: Steven Spielberg
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks

Not necessarily a movie made about Christmas but its key scenes take place during that yule tide holiday. Leonardo DiCaprio, as bank forger Frank Abagnale, is in top form. Spielberg's direction is perfect. Overall, this is compulsively watchable stuff.

3. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
    1987 * * * 1/2 Stars
    Director: John Hughes
    Rated R
    Cast: John Candy, Steve Martin

Even though Thanksgiving has come and gone, it doesn't matter. This is still top notch holiday fare with two brilliant comedic actors giving the performances of their lives. Part dramedy, part road trip movie, and totally quotable, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles will make you laugh throughout. It will also leave you with a lump in your throat at the end.

4. Nothing Like the Holidays 2008 * * * Stars
    Director: Alfredo De Villa
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Debra Messing, Freddy Rodriguez,
    Jay Hernandez

Ever since 2009, I make it a habit to watch this film at least three to four times in the month of December. It was shot about 10 miles from where I live, and it's a fine mixture of ensemble comedy and dramatic grievances involving a tight knit Puerto Rican family. They all get together for a bitingly cold Christmas break in Chicago's Humboldt park neighborhood. Very likable cast with every character having their own feasible back story. It's one of those flicks where if you live in Chicago, you say "oh yeah I've been there, I've driven down that street." Very authentic take on the Windy City locales.

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 1989
    * * * Stars
    Director: Jeremiah Chechik
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo

Chevy Chase as bumbling family man Clark W. Griswold, gave his last credible performance in National Lampoon's take on nutty holiday cheer. A lot of gags are taken to the extreme and the scene where he puts Christmas lights on every single inch of his house, is something only his character would ever think of doing. Revolting cousin Eddie (Randy Quiad) shows up halfway in to add to the silliness. All and all, a sloppily made comedy that I initially thought had worn out its welcome. With every subsequent viewing, I changed my mind. A classic!

6. Scrooged 1988 * * * Stars
    Director: Richard Donner
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Bill Murray, Karen Allen

Highly dark and satirical take on Charles Dicken's legendary tale. This time it's set in the 1980's with funnyman Bill Murray giving a quintessential "Bill Murray" type performance. Funny, cynical, with great one liners. Certain scenes however, might be too intense for younger viewers to take. Overall, if you like Murray's smarmy style of delivering dialogue, Scrooged will not disappoint.

7. A Christmas Story 1983 * * * Stars
    Director: Bob Clark
    Rated PG
    Cast: Peter Billingsly, Darren McGavin,
    Melinda Dillon

This is a silly, little comedy that turned into a Christmas cult classic. Peter Billingsly plays Ralphie, a impressionable young boy who only wants a BB gun for his under-the-tree present. A Christmas Story is told from his point of view. With memorable lines and some quirky characters, it's an addictive film you can watch relentlessly. Case in point: on TBS, this thing is shown 24 hours a day on the 24th and 25th of December.


8. A Christmas Carol 1938 * * * Stars
    Director: Edwin L. Marin
    Rating: Not Rated
    Cast: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart

Came before the Alastair Sim version but for some reason, is not as credible in terms of acting, directing, and conviction of the story. Still, it's entertaining enough in a lightweight sort of way. There is actually a color version of this film that is sometimes shown on network television. Overall, good fluff but the ending is short and by the book. It's not as invigorating as 1951's  masterpiece.


9. Just the Way You Are 1984 * * * Stars
    Director: Edouard Molinaro
    Rated PG
    Cast: Kristy McNichol, Kaki Hunter

The main reason why I put this film on the list is that it just reminds me of Christmas in general. It doesn't really involve the holidays, but it was on cable in the 80's and I must have watched it with my parents about a million times. Yes, it involves snow and skiing (in the French Alps), but mainly it's a love story about a woman with a handicapped leg who goes overseas to hide it and find Mr. Right. Honestly, nothing much goes on in this thing. However, it now reminds me of a certain time and place (December of 1985) so I'll just throw it in.


10. Prancer 1989 * * * Stars
      Director: John D. Hancock
      Rated G
      Cast: Sam Elliott, Cloris Leachman

Prancer was filmed about 20 minutes from where I grew up. It's mildly entertaining and it's significant because every time I pass through Three Oaks, MI, I wonder how many of the townspeople own a DVD copy of it. Made over twenty years ago, the small Midwest town just mentioned, hasn't changed a bit. And even if you know that Santa Claus is a hoax, you'll still go along with this fable about a young girl's fascination with a wounded reindeer.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

The Menendez Brothers 2024 * * * Stars

SIBLING RIVALED

2024's The Menendez Brothers is a documentary about those two Menendez bros (Lyle and Erik) who killed their parents in 1989 and have been spending the last 35 years in jail for their heinous crimes. "It was like an incredible soap opera." True dat. 

"Brothers", well it has present-day interviews from Lyle and Erik that seem cerebral if not effete and put on. The flick looks like a solid print however, showing tons of archives intertwined with more accounts from other people too, like the bitter prosecutor, the news writers, jury members, and various Menendez kin. I mean you don't see the actual Menendez boys but you get their voices, all grainy and graveled and well, spent. 

So yeah, The Menendez Brothers as a docu is an enigma, a puzzler if you will. Why? Well I'm age 50 and all I know about these dudes is that they offed their loved ones in cold blood and then got a life sentence 7 years later. I guess I'm now getting some more insight as to why. Was their dad (Jose Menendez) an actual child molester? Did they commit these blood-soaked murders as a form of self-defense? Should they have gotten charged with manslaughter? And did they do it for the inheritance money ($14 mil is um, a lot of moolah)?

Questions questions questions and "Brothers" teeters on the edge of answering them. It's a little bit of Forensic Files, a little Dateline, a whole lot of Netflix, and some timeline remnants of that B-ball swipe called The Last Dance (if you can believe that). Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated (revert back to second paragraph). His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch. Hey, it's been a long, long time "broheim". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Murder on the 13th Floor 2012 * * * Stars

MURDER SHE WROTE

"This robbery has now become a kidnapping". Gee thanks. All I wanted to do was run interference with the woman who was having relations with my other half.   

Anyway don't be fooled by this "floor" show (har har), Murder on the 13th Floor takes no prisoners when it comes to like-mindedness and solace. As a film from 2012 that I never knew existed, "13th Floor" is a trashy, violent, rather futuristic thriller that dares you to embrace the dissonance of it all. Minus some big boy production values, video surveillance monger Zeke Hawkins, and some A-lister-s, it's like something David Fincher or David Ayer would've done on holiday, with a loose budget, on a rough weekend, and with unbound reign. 

"13th Floor", well it's the type of vehicle you would never admit to recommending, kind of like not letting your friends know you dig atomic chicken wings with extra sauce. Come on, own up to it! You embrace the cinematic hurt, it's so good. A rich, snobby businesswoman (Ariana Braxton played well by Jordan Ladd) finds out that her husband is cheating on her. What does she do? Well she keeps up the snobbery, hiring a couple of contract killers to break into her condo and off said hubby's mistress/nanny (Tessa Thompson as Nia Palmer). 

Murder on the 13th Floor is directed by Hanelle M. Culpepper, a TV veteran of stuff like 90210, Criminal Minds, and NBC's Grimm. Culpepper builds tension throughout and at the same time lets you know that "13th Floor" is a rather glossy, merciless consequential soap opera. Just imagine an uncensored, Lifetime endeavor with a pseudo dystopian flavor, some cartoonish barbarity, some remorseless, "Boogeyman" characters, and a side of malice. "How far are you willing to go for what you want?" My thoughts exactly. Three on this "floor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Great Turkey Town Miracle 2023 * Star

BADLY BASTED

The Great Turkey Town Miracle is one of those rare Thanksgiving-themed pics to filter into the silly season. So is it bad? Yeah it's bad, like ketchup and cardboard pizza bad. If it was based on a true story (and I'm pretty sure it wasn't), then the truth has been skewed a little. An aloof, recently fired radio DJ gets hired (for no other reason than to service the plot) to get 4000 turkeys ready for that football-loving, meat-eating epoch in November. Why? So he can provide said turkeys for some needy families and keep his current job in the process. I mean you can't make this stuff up, can you?

So yeah, the radio DJ in question is Connor McCloud and well, he's played by unknown Angus Benfield. On a possible cinematic ego trip, Benfield acts not only as star but producer and would-be helmer as well. Angus bumbles, stumbles, and stutters his way through "Miracle", like a dude looking for his long-lost puppy. I mean why he would have his own main character portrayed as such a sad sack is beyond me. "Talk about dead air". You said it Angus not me.

I'm not finished. Let's look at the overall gauge of "Miracle" shall we. As something that's paced slow enough to make watching paint dry seem reasonable, The Great Turkey Town Miracle has acting in it that is rather brutal, a sort of community theater swipe meant to be kept away from the big screen. Then there's "Miracle's" predictability, its Muzak-style soundtrack that sounds like a girls choir at a school play, its sentimental goo that stretches from here to Katmandu, and its strange, Bible-thumping cast of mind. I mean why attempt to make such a mediocre, holiday version of God's Not Dead? Why? Heck, I was waiting for Reverend Dave to pop out of the woodwork and get his preach on. "Turkey" shot. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley 2024 * * * Stars

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH"

2024's Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is a documentary about Elvis and his eventual, alley-like return to the musical ring circa 1968. "Nobody messes with the King and nobody ever says he's down." Indeed.

"Fall and Rise", well it stars the late Elvis Presley of course along with interviews from the people who were there or could get in his head while peeling it off (Priscilla Presley, Billy Corgan, Conan O'Brien, Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Schilling). The flick, yeah it's a tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter. Heck, he was so darn famous even The Beatles were nervous as all get-out when they eventually met him. 

So here's the thing, "Fall and Rise" is an account about the "King of Rock and Roll" that puts the dude in a more approving light. I mean fans of Elvis will be more reminded of the glory days and not the later years, you know, the obese and drug periods that led to Presley passing on that summer day via August of  '77. Yup, just picture a less dramatic, more sunny, docu version of Baz Luhrmann's Elvis, complete with swipe about Presley's film career and his awkward relationship with his shady manager, Colonel Tom Parker. 

Graceland demises and biographical spectacles begot, "Fall and Rise" while avoiding the whole fan-made and/or tributed tag, is oddly standard in its chronological approach despite being effectively grainy and redolent. Compared to other stuff like the four-star Tina and/or The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, it doesn't exactly set the world on fire. Still, Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is forthright, exposed, and disarmingly diverting. It goes down better than one of Presley's bygone plates of fried chicken coated with potato chips. Give "rise" to. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas Under the Northern Lights 2024 * 1/2 Stars

FOGGED LIGHTS

"Maybe a change in scenery is just what you need to get you unstuck." Sure. Let's go from cold weather to even nippier elements up in the Northwest Territories. Hey, let's all freeze our arses off.

Anyway, in 2024's Christmas Under the Northern Lights there's a lot of Yuletide cheer, a lot of townie lore, and a lot of shameless plugging for that rare wonder that is aurora. Clocking in at just under an hour and a half, "Northern" is sadly all wrapped up into one jejune bow of a movie. 

So yeah, the story of Christmas Under the Northern Lights isn't much, just more Hallmark swipe involving a woman taking time away from her job to go to some faraway place, find herself, meet a scruffy dude, and eventually stay a while. Oh and the flick takes place during the silly season, where the denizens spend most of their time outdoors, surviving sans frostbite and never touching the notion of severe hypothermia. They don't need no stinking beanies, just the sights and sounds of frozen tundra, Mother Earth. 

Christmas Under the Northern Lights, well it stars Jill Wagner as Erin and Jesse Hutch as Trevor. Wagner's Erin is an obsessive writer with enough wordsmith's block to hinder the sun. Hutch's Trevor, well he's a Ben Affleck lookalike, a holiday stalker on creeper alert. Together they are the romantic leads for better or worse, two good-looking people with issues who have nothing to bounce off of except near the end, where they explain in scripted detail why they totally dig each other (cringe). There's the obligatory, concluding smooch (which could've happened 30 minutes in), the incumbent party where everybody gets their slow dance on, and finally those northerly glows, about the only thing exciting in an otherwise conflict-free exercise in mistletoe mishandling. "Northern" blot. 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Move 2024 * * Stars

MOVE ALONG

A rattled, former mother is being terrorized by a psycho killer for reasons unexplored. Oh and said killer injects said, former mom with a serum to paralyze her. The plain to see title for my latest review is 2024's Don't Move. "What did you do to me?" The question is what doesn't he do, to everybody.

So yeah, one character in "Move" says to another character, "are you crazy". Crazy as all get-out. We're talking a family man here by night and a manipulative, murdering loon by day. Don't Move could easily be titled uh, "Get a Move On". Yeesh!

Anyway "Move" was filmed mostly in Bulgaria, a backdrop of mainly forests and lakes that seem straight out of a Friday the 13th vehicle. And despite a few gruesome moments of sudden barbarity and torrid retribution, Don't Move is still a rather unsatisfactory, horror set piece from two unseasoned directors (Brian Netto, Adam Schindler). 

Uh, why you ask? Because Netto and Schindler seem to think they can do a retread of 2020's Alone and critics like me wouldn't notice. Think again boys. Alone is the gold standard for young-women-escaping-deranged-scourge thrillers. "Move", well it sadly lacks Alone's inching tension, assured plot points, and mounds of bullying suspense. I mean it all feels so standard and just because you have a hook of the protagonist getting rendered powerless by the antagonist, doesn't mean the flick is pukka. It just makes it reek of unnecessary discouragement. 

Don't Move stars Finn Wittrock as the poor man's Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Kelsey Asbille as the even poorer woman's Ellen Page (when Ellen Page was Ellen Page). Their performances aren't exactly bad, it's just that their personas are ill-defined in a movie so compact and trivial it might as well be a DVD once delivered in the mail by Netflix (when Netflix started out being Netflix). Busted "move". 

Written by Jesse Burleson