HEART BURN
2025's Heart Eyes is basically Scream for the Valentine's Day crowd. I mean there's a masked killer, there's a big reveal of who the masked killer is, there's references to other movies (even romcoms, no joke), there's offhanded humor, and um, there's plenty of gruesome death blows with various chef's knives. "We're being chased by a serial killer". Yeah, tell me something I don't know sweetie.
Directed by comedy horror helmer Josh Ruben (makes sense), feverishly paced, and co-starring a dude who happens to be in the latest assortment of flicks with Ghostface on the prowl (also makes sense), "Eyes" is about a maniac murderer who likes to prey on loving couples every time the 14th of Feb rolls around.
So OK, with "Eyes" there are protagonists who seem to miss dying by the skin of their teeth only because the Heart Eyes killer hits the targets of the side characters. Then there's those inventive ways for the Heart Eyes killer to get his/her kill on with enough fake Karo syrup to fill an ocean. Of course there's bad acting from the leads (Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding) who are supposed to end up together even as their courtship is pretty much roughshod. Finally, we have the news media involved and yeah, they appear about as glib and blase as every other would-be casualty on screen. Yup, we're talking Kevin Williamson territory here, the poor man's Kevin Williamson mind you.
All in all, Heart Eyes has a hook and that hook is the holiday we all think of as overly commercialized. You take away said hook and you're left with nothing but a workaday scare fest, a cash grab brought by the producers who know horror fans and so hard up for a false face psycho with a strut they'll pony up $10-$20 bones just for the sheer heck of it. Hey, my arse was duped. "Cockeyed".
Written by Jesse Burleson