Karate Kid: Legends 2025 * * Stars

THEY CALL ME LI FONG

I read somewhere on the Internet that Ralph Macchio is 63 years old. That's just crazy to me. I mean he'll always be young Daniel LaRusso in my book. Guess I'm still stuck in good old 1984. Ralph, yeah he shows up about an hour into 2025's Karate Kid: Legends, a sixth film in the distance running, Karate Kid franchise. Macchio's stay in "Legends" adds up to a sort of long-winded, thankless cameo. Yup, he probably got paid about $100,000 a line so that means he pocketed $3 mil. Cobra Kai never dies baby!!

Anyway Karate Kid: Legends is nearly a cash grab, an incredibly underwhelming entry in the Karate Kid canon. It clocks in at about 94 minutes, formulaic, devoid of character development, and sadly made for the malnourished, MTV crowd. I mean you'd be better off watching an alternate, hour and a half action thriller like '83's Revenge of the Ninja. At least you'd get a more compelling, darker side of martial arts met with an actual conflict and/or skirmish. "Sometimes it is the only way to move forward". Are you sure about that boss? Are ya?

Directed by a feature rookie in Jonathan Entwistle and appearing like it was made on a short weekend (that's not a compliment), Karate Kid: Legends is about a young boy who moves from Beijing to NYC only to be coerced by an old sage (Jackie Chan as Mr. Han) into competing in a karate competition called the Five Boroughs Tournament (I've never heard of such a thing). There's a final grudge match, some training, a tormentor, and a green-eyed romance so it's basically the diegesis of the first Karate Kid chapter all over again. The problem here is that it doesn't feel like there's much at stake and despite the punchy fight sequences (which are well shot), Karate Kid: Legends literally evaporates right after you see it. This kid manages to "stay in the picture" until he doesn't. Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning 2025 * * Stars

ON THIS MISSION

I read somewhere that Tom Cruise might do Mission: Impossible movies till he's ninety. That's "crazy town". I mean there's no way that could happen but you've got to admire Tommy boy's ambition. At 62, he's rolled out 2025's Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning, a 170-minute sequel and supposedly the last installment in the franchise. Yeah right. Based on the closing shot of "Final Reckoning", I "reckon" no. Hey, you heard what the Cruiser said.

Anyway Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning unfortunately does what "Dead Reckoning Part One" did two years ago. It provides an uneven, elongated script that nearly dumb-s down the actors. The film is about Ethan Hunt and his buds trying to stop an (AI) called the Entity who could destroy mankind. Yup, that was off of "Final Reckoning's" wiki page, I'm not gonna lie. Otherwise everything else in terms of the flick's diegesis is balderdash in the purest form. 

So what's left to admire with "Final Reckoning?" Well you have shootout and/or fistfight scenes and the Cruiser risking his life doing his own stunts. I mean isn't that why we pony up $10.50? Sadly either said scenes are cut too quickly or Tom's Hunt takes forever to retrieve a submarine module underwater or chase down a baddie in a biplane. Yeah, I'm thinking Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning needed an editor with a tighter sense of craft or someone with the legendary pedigree of Thelma Schoonmaker to sift through the whole lumpy shebang. "This can't all be true". But it is my dear, it truly is.  

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning is directed by Christopher McQuarrie, a sometimes meat and potatoes filmmaker and Tom Cruise's cinematic, Siamese twin. I mean I liked his touches in the first hour, what with all the psychedelic fast cutting and the flashbacks, a sort of greatest hits collection in regards to the other seven M:I pics that came before it. But ultimately, "Final Reckoning" is a slight letdown, an almost blatant excuse to put out another one of these bloated things in 2-3 years. More of Tom Cruise running (eh), more of Simon Pegg acting like well, Simon Pegg (ugh), more globetrotting than the TV show Where in the World is Matt Lauer (double ugh), and Hunt having to save the world because no one else can fit it in their darn calendar. Um, there's no "self-destructing messaging" going on here. Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Con Mum 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MIXED GAZUMP 

2025's Con Mum is a sad, factual film made only sadder by the fact that the black hat involved didn't get charged with any crime. I mean she could be wobbling around somewhere today, scamming the bejesus out of some poor schlub. Yikes. 

Anyway "Mum" is shot in the standard, docu form. It's film-making 101, a rinse, repeat of interviews and recent archives and present-day swipe, sterile and wonted and made for the TLC Network as opposed to the big screen. 

The victims in Con Mum, well they become pathetic, self-enablers. The "mum" in Con Mum, well she becomes as hated as any real-life character you could ever imagine. Now did I feel sympathy or commiseration for any fifteen minutes of fame-r involved here? No, just a bilious feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did the good old SMH. And does "Mum's" veteran helmer Nick Green provide a happy cessation and/or a fruition moment when those 88 minutes of running time are up? No, just a downer of a summing-up, where separation and false clean hands are involved. 

Containing a twist and taking place mainly in London (and just about everywhere else), Con Mum is about an 80-year-old woman who seeks out her actual, estranged son and his female partner and proceeds to diddle them out of nearly $500,000 US dollars (hence the twist). It's like that email you get from a kite that says, "give me $20,000 and I'll get you $5 mil" (yeah right). The mum in question is Dionne and the couple is Graham and Heather. "I never stopped loving you. I just want to be with you as much as I can". Yeah, whatevs Dionne.

So yeah, remember that line from a certain Matt Damon flick from '98? You know where Matthew's Mike McDermott says, "if you can't spot the sucker at your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker". Well that applies to Graham and Heather, two naive foodies that seemed to have been easily duped by a husky, "Pat" of a human being that's nearly bald, unable to move freely, and likes to completely butcher the English language. I don't know whether Con Mum is a cry for help for Graham and Heather or a route for them to make a profit off this documentary after being taken for a monetary ride. Either way "Mum" is a very uneven viewing experience. Def "con". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Deadly American Marriage 2025 * * * Stars

AMERICAN REVISED VERSION

It's not everyday that a Dateline episode gets put on celluloid but here we are with 2025's A Deadly American Marriage. I mean the only things missing are the commercials, those aerial shots of Podunk towns, and Keith Morrison's legendary creeper alert. "It's one of the bloodiest crime scenes I've seen in a long time." Yeesh!

Anyway "American Marriage" is a documentary, fact-based and quite disturbing when you realize that the people doing the crime never actually did the time (talk about a dead giveaway and/or spoiler alert). The film is about the murder of Irish gent and North Carolina native Jason Corbett, who supposedly was offed by his wife Molly Martens and his wife's father Michael Martens. 

Yeah there's some interviews, some barbarous scenarios, and that compulsory trial. Sound familiar? Well it should. I mean I would've written "American Marriage" off completely (pun intended) had it not been so darn well done and involving. Case in point: when's the last time you pooh poohed an installment halfway through of that long-running, NBC reality legal show to do some knitting on a Friday night? Exactly.  

So OK, you're probably thinking do I plan on recommending A Deadly American Marriage? Sure why not. But I'm recommending it for its craft and veritable, visual spiel as oppose to its almost non-existent level of freshness. For instance, if "American Marriage" predated Dateline and a young Josh Mankiewicz rolled in to be the moderator I'd probably call the flick a masterpiece, a real innovator of the probing of true crime. But here we are in the present, where there are 6 NCIS shows, 6-7 shows like 48 Hours, and thousands and thousands of podcasts about real torts and such. A Deadly American Marriage is oddly akin to the cinematic equivalent of the guy (or girl) who still buys CDs at Borders bookstore. "Marriage" mart. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Golden Voice 2025 * * Stars

GOLDEN SLUMBERED

A clearly independent film with a perfectly cast Nick Nolte as a grizzled, homeless war veteran. It should work right, until it doesn't. What starts off as a hard-hitting drama in the opening 30 minutes turns into a mawkish, God's Not Dead-type sequel in 2025's The Golden Voice. 

So yeah, the "voice" in The Golden Voice refers to KJ (played by Dharon Jones). KJ wants to audition for an American Idol-style TV show but doesn't have the cash, the pull, or the family support to do it. Nolte's Barry is the dude that befriends KJ who with guitar and lyrics in tote, is on the verge of suicide. They both rely on each other for cleansing therapy, as their back and forth banter is of yore and/or the despairing, present-day variation. Some of the scenes crackle, other times they come off as plodding. "You've got a voice good enough to perform on any stage". Yeah but first that stage has to be a lowly street corner for tips. Believe that. 

Distributed by Vertical Entertainment, shot nearly four years ago, and directed by the unseasoned and possibly swayed Brandon Eric Kamin, The Golden Voice feels like two different halves of one movie. The first half grabbed my attention, a sort of numbing portrait about what it's like to be a vagrant, dumpster-diving and sleeping in a man-made shelter and being tormented by everyday denizens, all to the atmospherics of haunting, morose Philadelphia locales. The second half is pure bunk, a sort of Christian dramedy and/or Afterschool Special of the bible-thumping variety. Community theater acting is a mainstay and seeing Nolte's character have to dance to some tuneage is quite a cringey experience. Either there were tag team helmers involved or Kamin didn't have a say over final cut. Passive "voice". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror 2025 * * * Stars

CITY WALLS

The Oklahoma City bombing occurred on April 19, 1995, carried out by two terrorists named Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols. The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building was the main target of said bombing, as over 150 denizens lost their lives amidst the dust and rubble. That's the blueprint for Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror, a competent documentary which begs the audience member to dredge up the sadness and utter gloom of something that happened thirty years ago. "I thought maybe I was dead, but I was buried alive." Yeesh!

So yeah, "American Terror" is not a frills docu nor does it try like heck to reinvent the desperado wheel. It does however give you the proverbial creeps as you watch it, loading up with 82 minutes of grainy archives, old school social media platforms, and present-day interviews from the battered people who were there. The Oklahoma City bombing, well it predates 9/11 and COVID and the D.C. sniper attacks and Columbine and all the other despairing crap this country has had to go through. Director Greg Tillman knows this and gives "American Terror" the feel of a horror film and/or lingering incubus. It's like taking in the look of The Belko Experiment or 2017's The Snare but without all the aspects of being arcane.  

Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror, yup it's lean and mean, a mere thumbnail as opposed to viewing something about the same occurrence via a miniseries or whatnot. A haunting image of the dissected building here, a haunting image of a projectile victim there, the actual explosion caught on vintage camcorder, an overhead shot of an edifice that looks like the inside of a fraying skeleton. "American Terror" with its mere, brief snapshot of a running time, almost feels like a cinematic hack job. That's if it weren't so darn soul-stirring. Gravity "bomb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

iHostage 2025 * * Stars

iPADDED

"At some point it ends". Yup, it sure does. And if you're referring to 2025's iHostage, it ends quite abruptly. No mystery, no twist, no intrigue, just cut and dried, finito! 

Anyway iHostage is an inessential slickster of a movie, the kind of stuff Brian A. Miller would've done ten years ago. A subtle zoom here, some shiny cinematography there, an empty, forceful musical score, a few pedestrian gunfights. iHostage is about some crazy dude who strapped with a bomb, invades an Apple Store, demands millions in Bitcoin, and takes someone with a heart problem as his captive. The film obviously has a hook with the whole tech company thang and such. Otherwise it would be about as trifling as watching reruns of American Gladiators on a Wednesday afternoon.

So yeah, iHostage stars Soufiane Moussouli, Admir Sehovic, and Louis Talpe, actors who give performances anywhere between middling to overreaching to ample. They are caught in a flick that although decently edited, feels dated when you compare it to more heightened swipe like 2005's Hostage, Captain Phillips, and/or Mel Gibson's Ransom. Oh and it doesn't help that this thing is based on a true story. I mean that's some serious injustice mind you. You're better off reading an article about the events of iHostage or watching a documentary about its detainee conch on free-to-air television. You certainly would get a more cavernous point of view. 

Directed by seasoned helmer Bobby Boermans and shot with sheeny locales in Amsterdam, iHostage has a few tense moments and anything but a downer of a coda. The problem is it doesn't bring new or fresh material to the denizen-seized genre. 100 trivial minutes go by, complete with an angry terrorist, some scared internees, a negotiator chiming in, and good old SWAT getting their gun on. We're talking cinematic deja vu here. Oh wait, there's a million dollar retail outlet and ear buds involved. My bad. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Drop 2025 * * * Stars

DROP IN

Widow Violet goes on a date at some swank restaurant. Violet's phone receives messages from some unknown creeper telling her that she either kills said date or said creeper will off her son and sister (who are at home nearby). That's the gist of 2025's Drop, a workmanlike thriller that sometimes slows to a halt and other times comes on like gangbusters (especially when nearing its coda). Violet, well she is played by Meghann Fahy, a little known actress but a future star in the making, leading lady. "Please, what do you want from me?" Oh not much, just keep doing your thang Meghann. Keep that dream alive. 

So yeah, Drop is not really an exercise in style nor does it possess any swooping camerawork and/or mad storytelling from perspectives. I mean I could only imagine what could have been had Brian De Palma or Pete Travis got a hold of this material, giving the audience member some sort of Rashomon effect complete with a few gnarly tracking shots. Yup, that would be neato. 

New Hollywood generation helmers and unique plot devices aside, what Drop lacks in modus operandi it gains in provided suspense, some gaslighting, and a little nasty tension. It's a whodunit, a who done did it, satiny and glossy and bent on showing the glitz and glitter of Chicago (the film's setting). No, you don't have to adjust your eyes, it's not Tokyo or Malaysia you're looking at, it's the City of Big Shoulders. Clearly the location scout hadn't been in the loop (pun intended). 

Drop, yeah it feels like Die Hard in an eatery or some Halle Berry actioner from a few years ago. Barring a few annoying characters (chiefly a waiter) and some major implausibility, it's compact, isolated, and examined, a one-milieu stage play that eventually turns steadily violent. I enjoyed it, I got into it, but in the back of my head I knew it was capable of being so much more twists and turns begot. "Drop anchored". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Holland 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

DUTCH TRIP

"Here here the best part because you get to make up a story and control everything". Gee, if only that worked in the cinematic world consistently, like when Rob Reiner got behind the lens and told Kathy Bates to let er rip. 

Anyway 2025's Holland is a stoner fever dream, the type of movie that relies on visual symbolism and grisly palate as opposed to actually delivering a story that is not cut and dried. A dorky husband who is suspected of being unfaithful to his wife is actually a serial killer. And said wife jots around stakeout-style while acting a little cuckoo bird herself. What, we're supposed to think this is out of the box stuff just because Holland's hook is that it takes place in a small burgh via the state of Michigan? Get reals.

So OK, Holland stars Nicole Kidman, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Matthew Macfadyen, actors who give raw, disciplined performances despite the final, work-shy result. Lots of match cuts here, a hallucinatory image there, dazed nightmare sequences everywhere, some cognitive freak-outs. Holland isn't an awful flick but it's certainly an off-center one, looking like TV swipe from the 70s, taking place in the early 2000s, and feeling like 1950s suburbanite, h-e double hockey sticks. "It may seem like we have everything all together but right under the surface it's like we're being strangled." You don't say Australia's favorite Oscar victor. You don't say. 

I'd say (pun intended) that Holland is a director's pic if there ever was one, with helmer Mimi Cave committing to every shot even if her diegesis is about as stale as every 90s satire a la Kathleen Turner or some black comedy from decades ago starring Roseanne Barr. I mean do you want nuclear family noir or Stepford Wives avant-garde. I myself can't decide. "Great lakes okay times."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Black Bag 2025 * * Stars

FADE TO BLACK

"What's on the menu?" That's a good question, especially when maverick helmer Steven Soderbergh is coming out of his cinematic, Howard Hughes phase. 

Anyway every time I think Soderbergh has retired from directing, the dude just keeps nearing back, like Jason Voorhees, Chucky, or The Terminator. He's basically saying to his audience, "did you miss me?" So what's Stevie up to in 2025? Well he's almost on holiday making Black Bag, a pseudo thriller that's so compact, last-minute, and terse it might just wither away. 

I mean it, man this is "pretty thin" stuff (to quote Danny Glover's Roger Murtaugh). A slither of violence here, a small interrogation scene Clue-style there, a couple of flashbacks toward "Bag's" coda. You take away the brilliantly ominous music of David Holmes and Black Bag is basically an afternoon table read with some really good actors. It's also occasionally slick and uncharacteristically shiny by Soderbergh's routine standards. Yup, just think the opposite of his Traffic shot with a more spherical lens. 

93 minutes is the runtime of "Bag" and that's with credits, something about some SIS operatives who are being investigated for betraying the nation by leaking some top-secret, software application. Michael Fassbender, Cate Blanchett, and Naomie Harris star and even good old Pierce Brosnan rolls in for an extended cameo. Unfortunately they are trapped in a flick that feels more like a verbose short than a full-length feature. 

Black Bag (the title is referenced once in the first half-hour) is one talky SOB, and I wasn't quite sure what everyone was "talking" about. Because the film is so brief and ends so abruptly, you probably need multiple viewings to figure out the intentions of these deft, British intelligence officers. This is not for entertainment value mind you, it's for you know, the latter. Mixed "bag". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chelsea Handler: The Feeling 2025 * 1/2 Stars

ILL FEELING

Chelsea Handler is not really funny these days. She's just not. I mean maybe she once was about ten-plus years ago, on her celeb talk show or in that box office bomb This Means War as Reese Witherspoon's best bud Trish. Heck, I almost forgot about her threadbare existence until she showed up in 2025's commonly-directed comedy special, Chelsea Handler: The Feeling. Yup, I didn't chuckle or snort once mind you, prompting me to think "Chels, you should've left well enough alone." 

So yeah, do I think Chelsea Handler however is mildly attractive and/or aggressively astute? Oh fo sho. That sandy blonde hair, that decent, 5' 6" frame, that raspy voice, that potty mouth. Sure, why not. But do I think she can tell a joke, overcome a laugh track, or deliver a solid punchline? Nada, not in this lifetime. Uh, just because you spew the F-word, talk at full volume, embrace the fans of the LGBT, or get your self-centered on doesn't make you a legendary farceur, it just makes you reek of being pesky. Handler, well she could learn a lesson or two from stand-up sensation and gross out monger Nikki Glaser. Chelsea, yeah I'm talking to you, ditch the shiny outfit and not try so darn hard. Come on miss thang, embrace "the suck", for reals.  

Whether Handler's waxing on about auto-eroticism, possibly getting busy with the governor of New York, having uncomfortable coition, or the vacancy of her siblings with whom she obviously doesn't like, her "Feeling" meanders, goes off on tangents, and becomes downright unrelieved. I mean the woman isn't much of a storyteller, just a professional pie-eye-r who despite not being wasted, still seems to say whatever pops in her head. Now did I ultimately get "the feeling" in regards to Chelsea Handler: The Feeling? H-e double hockey sticks no!  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Novocaine 2025 * * * Stars

DON'T THINK DON'T WORRY EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE

"Oh my gosh, you're a superhero". That's right boys and girls, eat your heart out Mr. Fantastic. 

Anyway 2025's Novocaine is about a main character who can't feel pain. So hey, why not make it one of the most barbaric and violent movies ever made. I mean Nathan "Novocaine" Caine (played by star in the making Jack Quaid) gets put through the almighty ringer here, battered, bucked, and bruised like some human pinata filled with ichor. "So what's your deal?" Uh, more like what's your deal bonebreaker? Natch.

Novocaine, well it puts the action comedy in action comedy, parading around like some warped B-movie playing at the kung-fu grindhouse. It's bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip then bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip. Rinse, rinse, repeat. Continued echo. "Hey bleep-hole, feel this!" Uh we feel ya Caine, boy do we feel ya. 

So yeah, as something about an assistant credit union manager who uses his special set of skills (and malady skills) to save his would-be girlfriend from the throes of some jag bank robbers, Novocaine is nearly the antitheses of being parlous and fraught with danger. Yup, it's the type of vehicle that has you squirming one minute and snorting the next, with its tongue clearly planted in cheek (or corn syrup-soaked cheek and just about everything else). 

Starring the likes of Quaid (mentioned earlier), Amber Midthunder, Ray Nicholson, and Spider-Man character actor monger Jacob Batalon, Novocaine carries a huge plot turn of events (which I won't mention) and about five or so endings where its black hats come at you relentlessly like The Terminator. The flick obviously doesn't have an A-list cast but its hook of mild-mannered dorko-s with a sense of badassery and CIPA to the hilt might carry it to ten years after cult status. Comfortably "numb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Twister: Caught in the Storm 2025 * * * Stars

TWISTER SISTER

"The worst thing that could happen". Well that would be a hardcore vortex of violent liquidation and neato cyclones. Poor Toto, his exterior terrier, and Uncle Henry didn't stand a chance. 

Anyway the flick I'm about to review starts off as a little pretentious, with interviews by some local yokels who think Joplin, Missouri's "you know what" doesn't stink. Then The Twister: Caught in the Storm kind of grows on you, like big-arse fungi as a toadstool, showing the devastation of tornadoes in a town of 51-plus thou. "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister!" Indeed. 

"Caught in the Storm", yeah it's shot mostly in MTV style, like watching Ridiculousness, Road Rules, or some antiquated version of Teen Mom. The film doesn't need no stinking middle-agers, numerous protective parents, or grandpappies, just a dozen or so millennials who seem punch-drunk just to get their 15 minutes of fame. 

Yeah there's archives from 2011 in the form of flashbacks, flash forward probes that are raw and unrestrained, and a burgh devastated by dust devils like Hurricane Katrina on steroids. The Twister: Caught in the Storm is a dense, documentary slice of Middle America, Americana. Rob Dyrdek rears his proverbial head while Mother Nature gets triumphed over. 

So is "Caught in the Storm" a masterpiece in the realm of desolation, docu dramedy? Uh, not quite my weather nerds. I mean why should Joplin, MO get all the sentimental love when so many other places have been torched by the throes of nasty, freewheeling tempests (I live in Illinois so the funnel clouds of Washington come to mind). And is The Twister: Caught in the Storm edited crisply and storyboard-ed to maximum effect? Oh fo sho. Director Alexandra Lacy is stealth in gradually delivering the trauma even if she's stuck in pop-cultured, grungy 90s residuum. "Storm" trooper.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Delicious 2025 * * Stars

"YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"

2025's Delicious is a director's movie if there ever was one. It's modus operandi over substance. It's style over pith. I mean what was that line from a certain 60s biopic from thirty-plus years ago? Ah yes, "you want your creative activity spoon-fed to ya?" Pun so intended.  

Anyway Delicious is about cannibalism and bad espousals and taking in total strangers and seeing what human flesh looks like in prime rib form (yikes). The title, well it pretty much says it all for at least the last 15 minutes (give or take). A rich family with the personalities of pet rocks befriend a young, injured woman and let her live in their swank vacation home. Chaos and tension gradually ensue (as they always do).  

Starring the likes of Carla Diaz, Valerie Pachner, Sina Martens, and Fahri Yardim and made about two years ago in well-to-do-cultured France, Delicious seems like the art film to be the be-all, end-all of all art films. Um, I'm not sure if that's a good thing mind you. Helmer Nele Mueller Stofen commits to every shot whether it be a rinse, repeat of wide likenesses, longs, and overheads. She seems to be channeling her inner Kubrick and/or Wes Anderson but forgot that story, character development, and a little rapidity matter too. 

The diegesis of Delicious, well it literally doesn't unfold until the late part of the third act. And Volker Bertelmann's stirring musical score can only do so much to heighten what little impetus Delicious possesses. The actors give decent performances when they're not pregnant pausing and Provence seems like a darn nice place to visit. But when a pic comes off more as a series of priceless paintings clicked over on a slide show than actual celluloid, it's probably not worth reaching its cinematic Waterloo. Bitter "taste". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chaos: The Manson Murders 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MURDERS HE WROTE

"Manson became exactly what the CIA was trying to create". That's a darn scary thought I've never even heard about. Man I've lived a pretty sheltered life. 

So OK, I never thought I would revisit the catacombs of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood again, an adapted refresher about Charles Milles Manson and his minions hanging out at some dude ranch outside of sunny LA. But here it is ladies and gents, an actual documentary involving America's most notorious cult leader and his foray into the Tate-LaBianca killings circa 1969. 

Chaos: The Manson Murders, well it's said docu, a sort of acid trip incubus that rounds out to an untidy 95 minutes. A hallucinatory image here, an archive done microfilm-style there, interviews from writers I've never heard of everywhere, a split screen. Yeah "Chaos" is just good enough to keep the viewer totally beguiled and drunk in. With rather raw confabs between the warped Manson and his straight-faced journalists, the pic is above the cinematic Mendoza line when it comes to all things transmission. 

So um, what keeps Chaos: The Manson Murders from reaching adaptation glory greatness? Well it's veteran helmer Errol Morris and the way he puts things together (or doesn't put things together). I mean "Chaos" is well-directed from a style standpoint but it's also oddly tangled from an editing slant. Instead of concentrating on Charley boy, his mind control, his murderous intent, his hyperactive psychopathy, and his stint as Beach Boys buddy monger, Morris waxes mostly about the late 1960s instead, you know, social norms and civil rights and psychedelics, yada yada. His adroitness mostly wanders giving "Chaos" a viewing experience that is rather gallivanting. "When a story did start to emerge, it was managed very carefully". Are you sure about that Errol? Are you bro? Primordial "chaos". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Squad 36 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

AMBIVALENT OUTFIT

2025's Squad 36 is like a form of mild noir. I mean it's a little too modern day to take place in the 1950s but it does have the gumption to be a film about investigations into the conch of professional murders. Its lead (Victor Belmondo as Antoine Cerda) wanders "36's" French landscape like he's Columbo and/or Philip Marlowe, asking questions with his mediocre-dubbed voice, his near-wooden acting, and his surprisingly searing screen presence. Belmondo, well he appears and shifts like a younger version of a droopy-eyed former Beatle (what you say?). He's in nearly every frame for better or worse. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Squad 36 is a bit of a slog, a flick that's 30 minutes longer than it should have been. Lots of characters, a few subplots, a lot of slickness. Yeah "36" probably needed a different editor to wade through all this 2-hour-plus hodgepodge. But hey, at least Squad 36's director (Oliver Marchal) is going for a thinking man's thriller as opposed to some mindless actioner starring Thomas Jane and former paycheck monger Bruce Willis (for example). "36", yup it's about a scrappy cop who goes rogue, trying to inspect the deaths of his workmates through off-duty, detective toil. 

All in all, Squad 36 has got streamlined direction, a nice techno soundtrack, some adequate Paris locales, and a certain level of atmospherics. The problem is it's a little too disjointed for its own good. I mean you go back to the pic's elongated running time (124 minutes) and think, "is this some sort of rough cut with a tacked on ending just for kicks and giggles?" Add some unknown troupers with unsung names (Juliette Dol, Yvan Attal), some random shootout clips that are on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet (pun intended) and you have a well-intention-ed yet mixed review from me. Odd "squad". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wrong Track 2025 * * Stars

OFF TRACK

Manipulative, suggestive, mean-spirited, and recherche sports-related, 2025's The Wrong Track makes a movie like '85's American Flyers seem well, surprisingly tame. It's about cross-country skiing competitions set to lush forestry and frozen water, vapor-covered elevations, a long shot here, an overhead shot there, a wide, some full-frontal nudity (what?). Man I wish I knew what made "Track's" director (Hallvar Witzo) really tick. I mean he's been in the game for 15 years now and I've never heard of any of his swipe. "Can't we try to put all this aside for now?" Sorry, no can do my friend. 

Filmed in snowy Europe (I'm thinking) and featuring some poor dubbing courtesy of good old Netflix (it's their thing now), The Wrong Track is a pic that doesn't know what it wants to be, kind of like a broke twentysomething that's young and dumb and straight out of trade school. I mean is it a romantic drama, a dog-eat-dog, pastime endeavor, a Jake Kasden wannabe, or a dry-humored comedy with thick English accents? That remains to be seen. "Are you out of your mind?" No. Only if I have to glide without going downhill, for hours on end, and forgoing the use of lifts. Ugh!

So yeah, a vehicle about classic ski style originating in Nordic countries doesn't seem like the sexiest thing to ever be put on celluloid. No wonder helmer Witzo had to intersperse "Track" with dramedy, wee and poop jokes, a little whoopee, boring Skiroute-s, and shards of innuendo. Talk about a slippery slope (pun intended). I mean if you think a sad sack, unemployed divorced woman (Ada Elde as Emilie) finishing last in a ski race to appease her fam is a cinematic revelation then more power to you. I'm sure there's a feel good moment there buried beneath the shine of fresh powder. Proved me "wrong".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode 2025 * 1/2 Stars

MOTHER GOOSED

I really can't stand it when a comedy special shows up on Netflix and it's a comedian I've never heard of, acting ostentatious, mugging to the audience, and feeling the need to wait for someone to laugh at him or her. At 54 minutes, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode is that comedy special, a rather generically-filmed snippet where a sort of forced laugh track has seamlessly been inserted (I could be wrong but it sure felt that way). 

So yeah, I'm not saying Rosebud is dead in the water because she does have attributes, just not in the realm of being humorous. I mean she's attractive, she's got screen presence, she has a nice raspy voice, she managed to pick the right Rodney Dangerfield milieu, and the girl can hurl the F-word like nobody's business. It's just that I didn't giggle at all during "Mother Lode", probably because I was comparing Baker to another potty-mouthed chick, that being Ohio's favorite farceur and blonde hot mess, Nikki Glaser. Um, at least Nikki makes you laugh nervously while being offended by her whole affronting, kit and caboodle. Believe that. 

Cincinnati-born funny-women and profanity-laden stand-ups aside, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode was filmed in New York City and edited to the point where some parts show Rosebud 8 months pregnant and other parts show she's just recovering from having a little tyke. Yeah, it wasn't really groundbreaking even though it felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. Whether Baker is waxing on life as a Republican, dealing with her hubby (who's also a tummler), rambling about the downside of relations, being the poor man's Glaser, or recalling having ye olde bun in the oven, "Mother Lode" is just non-zany noise and not worthy of being set free to the masses. "Comstock lode". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Kinda Pregnant 2025 * 1/2 Stars

NOT SO PARTURIENT

Lainey Newton (played by Amy Schumer) fakes being pregnant by wearing a false baby bump. Why you ask? Because pregnant people are treated better and respected more by total and complete strangers. Plus, Lainey's friends are also preggo and she wants to connect with them. That's the rub of 2025's Kinda Pregnant, a sort of cutting room floor of some Judd Apatow dailies that never made the grade. "I've always known I wanted a family". Uh, you got a funny way of showing it there Newton.

Anyway I'm a sucker for a raunchy R-rated flick, a trend that seemed to start in the late 90s with stuff like American Pie, 1997's Orgazmo, and There's Something About Mary. With "Kinda", everything however appears dated. It's as if star Amy Schumer thought it was ten years ago and her you know what didn't stink. I mean there are some funny moments amidst the potty-mouthed dialogue, the painful physical slapstick, and the occasional gross-out gags. But there's also a dabble of familiarity and well, in the cards, ribald predictability. At 98 minutes, Kinda Pregnant evaporates right after you see it, taking the modern day sex comedy and making it more of a series of bawdy filler extracts as opposed to an actual movie. "How do you really feel?" Um, I just told y'all, for reals.  

All in all, "Kinda" has star Schumer probably thinking this thing is her typecast, comeback vehicle. Yeah not so much. With any Amy Schumer pic, it's all about her and her improvisation overload and her magnified, female glitch. Whether it's feeling timorous or inadequate about her looks in I Feel Pretty, being promiscuous and/or commitment phobic in 2015's Trainwreck, or putting the sham on the old bun in the oven prelude (as evidenced by "Kinda"), Schumer's high jinks are pretty unendurable to watch even at the expense of a few tee-hees. "Pregnant paused".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Heart Eyes 2025 * * Stars

HEART BURN

2025's Heart Eyes is basically Scream for the Valentine's Day crowd. I mean there's a masked killer, there's a big reveal of who the masked killer is, there's references to other movies (even romcoms, no joke), there's offhanded humor, and um, there's plenty of gruesome death blows with various chef's knives. "We're being chased by a serial killer". Yeah, tell me something I don't know sweetie. 

Directed by comedy horror helmer Josh Ruben (makes sense), feverishly paced, and co-starring a dude who happens to be in the latest assortment of flicks with Ghostface on the prowl (also makes sense), "Eyes" is about a maniac murderer who likes to prey on loving couples every time the 14th of Feb rolls around. 

So OK, with "Eyes" there are protagonists who seem to miss dying by the skin of their teeth only because the Heart Eyes killer hits the targets of the side characters. Then there's those inventive ways for the Heart Eyes killer to get his/her kill on with enough fake Karo syrup to fill an ocean. Of course there's bad acting from the leads (Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding) who are supposed to end up together even as their courtship is pretty much roughshod. Finally, we have the news media involved and yeah, they appear about as glib and blase as every other would-be casualty on screen. Yup, we're talking Kevin Williamson territory here, the poor man's Kevin Williamson mind you.

All in all, Heart Eyes has a hook and that hook is the holiday we all think of as overly commercialized. You take away said hook and you're left with nothing but a workaday scare fest, a cash grab brought by the producers who know horror fans and so hard up for a false face psycho with a strut they'll pony up $10-$20 bones just for the sheer heck of it. Hey, my arse was duped. "Cockeyed".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Companion 2025 * * * Stars

CONSORTED 

"Shut her down already". Ah, that's how you get a human-like robot to stop acting well, human. Otherwise AI will starting thinking for themselves and become well, actual Homo Sapiens. Hey it could happen. Rookie director/TV movie monger Drew Hancock ain't playing folks. 

So yeah, my latest review is Hancock's automaton-infused Companion, a sort of black comedy, horror film that feels like the time to come of black comedy, horror films. I mean one moment you're nervously laughing at the folly of it all, how in the instant of peril Companion's baddies act nonchalant as all get-out. The next moment, well you're realizing that there's blood-soaked danger right around the corner. "That was not part of the plan". Oh but it is my dear, it truly is. 

Companion's droid lead, well it's Sophie Thatcher as Iris, acting like a female David Swinton but in her twenties, enhanced with the ability to love and to unintentionally get her kill on. She is matched by Jack Quaid's Josh, a millennial also-ran who uses Iris to commit some lake house murders so he can steal $12 mil from a Russki mobster named Sergey (played by Rupert Friend). Quaid, yeah he has definitely gone into slimeball, antagonistic territory as evident by his evil sad sacker in Companion. It's like he's decided to carry over the spaz, murderer persona shtick from Scream and keep the dream alive. 

Spielberg early 2000s characters and Meg Ryan offspring aside, Companion is a quietly warped, sort of layered, trepidation vehicle where unless you viewed its January trailer, you don't know the whole kit and caboodle going in. Works for me. Violent, morbidly funny, and unevenly edited only because there's enough twists and turns to facilitate the roller-coasters at Great America, this companion is indeed "mightily unstable". Again works for me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Flight Risk 2025 * * Stars

 

RISKY BEESWAX

2025's Flight Risk is basically helmer Mel Gibson giving the middle finger to the notion of praxis. I mean if Oliver Stone can take a break from making historical epics to do U Turn and Savages then why not. With "Risk", Gibson knows where to thrust his camera but he's clearly on holiday, what with all the aviator schlock and cockpit chaos that's clearly not based on a true story. "I'm gonna enjoy this". Good for you dude. Good 4 you. 

Made on a pretty miserly budget ($25 mil) and featuring star Mark Wahlberg sporting a bogus, bald head (at least that's what I thought), Flight Risk could have been a lean and mean thriller about psycho pilots, rattled U.S. Marshals, and transported passengers. Instead we get a sloppy B-movie only made sloppier by Wahlberg hamming it up, co-star Michelle Dockery mugging to the lens, and co-star Topher Grace acting like well, Topher Grace. 

"Risk", well it feels like an action spoof and/or action-packed SNL skit more than anything else, blurring the lines of hasty design and searching for a sure-fire congruence. I'm thinking mad Mel looked at dailies in the editing room and thought, "oh bummer". 

So yeah, you want a childish script penned by "Risk's" rookie writer Jared Rosenberg? I didn't think so. There's only so many poop, urine, and innuendo jokes a viewer can take. You want some faceless voices doing bad acting over the plane intercom in moments of peril? Uh, neither do I. You want Gibson's penchant for grisly violence and nasty barbarity? I mean sure, why not. That's the highlight even if it's in fits and starts. Finally, do you want me to recommend Flight Risk so I can take a little mercy on all January junk releases? Can't do it. That ain't my "flight of fancy". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The 36th Annual Notre Dame Student Film Festival, January 24-26th, 2025

I've been covering the Notre Dame Student Festival on and off since 2014. Below are the highlights along with favorable ratings. Of note: this is the first time I voted on the potential winners.  

Try Again * * * Stars

-Imagine Christopher Nolan on holiday, making something low budget and without a script. That's the gist of Try Again, a savage, dark, total mindf*ck of a short film. Requires multiple viewings to figure out the whole kit and caboodle (as only Nolan himself would have it). 

Mazi Remastered * * * Stars

-As something about a DJ from the South Side of Chicago, Mazi Remastered is a laid back, swiftly edited docu in which the funky beats dictate the rhythms of the digital underground subjects (pun intended). Mazi, well he seems like a cocksure guy who never feels like he's worked a day in his life. Hey, he gets away with it. 

Veritas * * * * Stars

 

-Made by what looks like an expert, student filmmaker, Veritas for me is this year's best entry in ND's 2025 festival. It's about Catholic nuns named the Dominican Sisters who teach at a school in Northern Kentucky. A rack focus here, a close-up there, the camera peeking in everywhere, Veritas has its vassals not really knowing they're being filmed. Opaque and quietly powerful stuff.

You Are Home * * * * Stars

-Melissa Cook was a Notre Dame softball player who died tragically in a scaffolding accident via the city of Chicago. A stadium was named after her in the documentary, You Are Home. Hey, this is more than just a lamenting docu mind you, this is veridical realism. Unfolds like a sledgehammer, packs an emotional wallop.  

Footprints of Glory * * * Stars

-An expeditious, cross-cut-type short about diving and possible soon-to-be Olympic dreams, Footprints of Glory is just over four minutes but carries a hint of pure ebullience. Oh and like all great pics, the music is everything, well pretty much everything.

Written by Jesse Burleson

One of Them Days 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

"THAT A GIRL GOES THROUGH"

What I learned from 2025's One of Them Days, is that its diegesis is somewhat pukka. I mean you have two roommates who have one full, 1st of the month to come up with the rent money (and other life-threatening monies) or they'll be on the street or worse yet, dead. "Days", well it stars Keke Palmer and SZA, two actresses who exhibit a ton of get-up-and-go as tenants Dreux and Alyssa. "You lucky she holding me back!" Hex yeah.

Anyhow One of Them Days is like a female version of Friday or a female, farce version of say 2001's Training Day. It's in the look and feel as tar-pitted LA takes center stage with Ghetto Birds, pigeons, and split rims all intact. 

So yeah, everything in "Days" happens in almost 24 hours (hence the title) and there are plenty of high jinks and uncertain hazards along the way. I mean for nearly 97 minutes we watch Dreux and Alyssa try to come up with $1500 bones (which eventually elevates to over six grand) and it becomes rather vexing and um, frustrating. Yup, it's not easy when you have to deal with a cheating broke boyfriend, a lady thug with reprisal on her mind, King Lolo the drug lord, and "Biscuit Bandit" trying to thwart the operation (don't ask). "I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong". Sing it Monica! Sing it girl!

Hit ditties and yeasty, pastry robbers aside, One of Them Days is billed as a comedy but you hardly guffaw, probably because the characters and sitches in it feel lifted from other flicks of the same nature (ever seen anything directed by Rick Famuyiwa, Steve Carr, and/or John Singleton? Exactly). It's not a bad pic but I don't see a stoner cult following or repeated viewings in the near future. "Days" gone by.   

Written by Jesse Burleson

Back in Action 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

ACTION MANAGEMENT

Two CIA agents who happened to be romantically involved, leave the life only to be pulled back in after a YouTube video of them beating up some ruffians at a club surfaces over a decade later. That's the rub of 2025's Back in Action, a vehicle so carefree and lightheartedly savage, it might qualify as a cinematic gainsay. 

Anyway I'm a sucker for movies where bone-crunching fight sequences and taekwondo aptitude rule the roost. With "Action", there are plenty of both, filmed three-dimensional and set to music by Etta James, Dean Martin, and James Brown (yikes). Back in Action, well it earns its title, starring Jamie Foxx and Cameron Diaz as operatives Emily and Matt, kicking and punching and head-slamming their way to skirmish glory. It's like The Bourne Identity for couples, Mr. and Mrs. Smith without tykes attached, a better version of 2010's Killers, Diaz in Charlie's Angels mode (woot woot). "That's not why we were cool". Uh, thank you for the insight Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds. Don't clip me for I'm just the writer. 

So yeah, do I plan on recommending Back in Action? Almost. The brawling, death-defying stunt work, and car chases are modernized, streamlined, and cool. It's the scripted stuff in between that's a little dicey (and kind of stupefying to be honest). I mean why do Emily and Matt's characters feel the need to say whatever pops in their heads (improvisation overload)? And why are their kids so darn annoying and almost passive by nature? And um, why is "Action's" plot so evocative of every spy flick ever made? Finally, why does "Action" never take the time to take itself seriously, being way too tongue in cheek for its own good? Questions, questions, questions and only the pic's distributor Netflix can answer them. Oh wait, this is Netflix's veritable par for the course. Asked and answered. "Back" handed. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Ad Vitam 2025 * * Stars

AD HOCKERY

"This peaceful little life". Car chases and killings and ransom kidnappings and balloon sky riders oh my! Peaceful my stinking butt!

So OK, what is Ad Vitam? Well it's a movie I guess and mysterious words of wisdom too. Ad vitam, yeah it means "for life". Me, I'm "for" a plot gloss as to why an FBI agent seems to have people wanting to either kill him or arrest him. Yeesh!

Anyway Ad Vitam is a slickly-made thriller, so slick in fact that it distracts you from how choppy it is from a narrative standpoint. Although directed by four-timer Rodolphe Lauga, "Ad" looks like something action monger Brian A. Miller would've done ten years ago, shiny and glossy and violent and hollow and well, pedestrian. Look for low budget, typewriter title cards, clear the area police action, and rather plodding shootouts. About the only things missing from Ad Vitam are Thomas Jane, Bruce Willis and some monotonous, cue card line readings.

As per the last paragraph, I can't really compute the actual diegesis of Ad Vitam, I just can't. The film has no wiki page anyway and that just makes everything that much more frustrating. I mean I know "Ad's" lead is the sleepwalking Guillaume Canet, a cross between the poor man's Bradley Cooper and the poor man's Patrick Dempsey. I know the film is told mostly in slogged flashbacks, with training scenes for members of GIGN's tactical unit interspersed with sudden bursts of brute force. I know there's a pregnant wife character (Stephanie Caillard as Leo) who doesn't mind harming said pregnancy slinging fists of fury. Um, I know Netflix is involved (shocker). Finally, I know Ad Vitam was shot in the country of France ("wee-ooh, wee-ooh). Now is that enough my beret-loving "Frogs?" Not for a recommendation. "Ad out". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Blind River 2025 * * * Stars

SEE THIS LIGHT

Blind River has to do with stealth kidnappings and Mayberry mayhem and well, poky waterways too (hence the title). It fashions itself in the conch of stuff like Gone Baby Gone and Mystic River and 2014's Sand Castles, movies where young girls are abducted and families are completely shattered. In the case of "River", an unseeing woman goes on her own little crusade to find her daughter who went missing on Christmas Day. "You hold on too tight and I'm just afraid you're going to suffocate." Ugh. 

Blind River is directed by Carissa Stutzman, an unseasoned helmer who looks like a seasoned pro giving her film a somber air, an effectively ill-lit look, and a precarious tone. "River", well it was shot entirely in Mentone, Indiana, a town not far from where most of my family grew up. Yup, Blind River feels like Northern "Hoosier State" personified, a slice of Middle America, Americana if you will. You can smell the husky corn, breathe the shamba oxygen, take in that Midwestern hospitality, and taste those greasy pork tenderloin sandwiches. Believe that. 

"River" stars Annalise Basso, Steven Ogg, and Tracey Campbell and is distributed by Lifetime Television. Compared to most flicks on that long-running, basic cable channel Blind River has better acting, less camp, less soap opera operatic, and more attested production values (trust me on this one). The vehicle is a crisply edited, gravely told, whodunit or should I say, who done did it. There's even a twist at the end where we find out which tyke snatcher um, you know done did it. Add a musical score for the ages that evokes Hans Zimmer in his heyday and an Indiana locale that's rural everyman in every town and you have one of the most surprising offerings of early 2025. "Unlazy rivulet". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

ALIVE HE CRIED

A millionaire named Bryan Johnson, decides by all means necessary to do whatever it takes to extend his life beyond the normal expectancy. The documentary about Johnson's extremity is aptly titled, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever (naturally). 

Anyway I as a critic have always favored docus, whether they be about famous people or pseudo famous people or well, dead famous people (no pun intended). With "Don't Die", we have Johnson who's somewhere in the middle. I mean I didn't know who he was until yesterday but now I'm getting an education. Bryan Johnson's got nothing but money so he can afford to take 54 pills a day and get red-light therapy and get plasma exchanges and um, inject himself via some gene therapy. Basically he spends all his time trying to prolong his esse so it's like he doesn't uh, have a life (har har). Bri, I hope it was worth it bro. "100 years is not going to be enough". Oh boy.

Vitamin B12's and discretionary income aside, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever is a clean, well-made, almost sterile vehicle by producer/director/cinematographer Chris Smith. There's nothing flashy, no tricks, just a look that seems borrowed and/or adopted from Alex Garland's sci-fi thriller, Ex Machina (hint, hint). 

There's interviews (mostly from Bryan and his son), a few archives, but mainly techy stuff about how Johnson's going to defy the mysterious aging process and various whatnots. Bryan Johnson, well he comes off as a little pretentious and "Don't Die" seems a little long-winded for a running time of an hour and a half (could've been more effective as a segment on 60 Minutes which has probably already happened). Still, Don't Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever is a rather beguiling watch. It's like the antithesis to what the late Morgan Spurlock did when he hit up good old Mickey D's two decades ago. 

Written by Jesse Burleson