Dangerous Animals 2025 * * Stars

SHARK TAILED

"I feel the same about what I do, it's my true calling." What, to feed defenseless women to hungry sharks via the waters of good old Australia? And camcorder-shoot the whole darn thing like you're Federico Fellini on the low? Might wanna question your own soundness pal.

2025's Dangerous Animals, well it's about a serial killer who picks up a surfer who may have different plans other than being maimed by those creepy, long-bodied marine fish (see first paragraph). Said surfer is cutie-pie Zephyr and she is played without reticence by Hassie Harrison, the poor man's lookalike a la Jennifer Lawrence. 

So yeah, "Animals" is in fact a shark flick and just because it includes the hook of some psycho who's Matt Hooper-obsessed with beach beard in tote doesn't mean it's wholly original. Remember Meg 2: The Trench and Deep Blue Sea 3 came out just recently and um, they had credible special effects, not low grant Hitchcockian leavings. 

Starring Harrison (mentioned earlier), Jai Courtney, and Josh Heuston and shot in the Gold Coast near Queensland, Dangerous Animals has some disturbing and compelling moments saddled with a decent soundtrack comprised of punk and classic rock remnants. I mean one might even say there's a serviceable vehicle there for horror enthusiasts so bent on getting their fix they'd see anything blood-soaked in a blackened theater. 

The problem however lies in Sean Byrne's pedestrian direction, his lack of implausibility with his rather pliant characters, and his need to drag out "Animals" to the point where it drains the viewer of any real dramatic momentum. I mean you take out Jai Courtney's solid, transformative performance as evil boat captain Tucker and you're left with a VOD in the Best Buy bin, a Split wannabe that poses as a weak memo in the M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong canon. "Dangerous grounded."

Written by Jesse Burleson

Terror Comes Knocking: The Marcela Borges Story 2025 * * * Stars

BALANCE OF TERROR

"I know everything about you." Yeah that's a comforting thought, for a sick criminal to know your name, occupation, net worth, address, pregnancy status, etc., etc., etc. Oh and said criminal also plans on killing you whether you meet her freaking demands or not. Like I said, totally comforting, fo sho.  

Anyway 2025's Terror Comes Knocking: The Marcela Borges Story does involve some knocking and ringing, and that's in narrow B&E form, as tension builds inch by inch like the almighty bricks via the Great Wall of Gorgan. What can I say, me loves some unputdownable Lifetime swipe combined with 20/20-like reenactments on the low. 

So yeah, as something about some disguised gunmen who barge into a Florida couple's home and demand $200,000 from them, "Terror Comes Knocking" is akin to stuff like Firewall and 1991's Captive and Funny Games and Mel's Ransom, movies where the bad guys have to act a fool and mess with the sacred loving fam, berating them and threatening them and nearly torturing them. "You think you can lie to me?" Uh no boss. I um, wouldn't dream of it, really! 

Based on a true story in some violent, far-fetched dubious fashion and starring the likes of unknowns Dascha Polanco, Nisa Gunduz, and Johnathan Sousa, Terror Comes Knocking: The Marcela Borges Story is not your typical product of the Lifetime Television Network. How inspiriting. That's thanks to some more effective production values, a thug it out cast, and atmospheric, dense direction by mad dog Felipe Rodriguez, a TV vet doing some very unlike, TV feats. I mean a studio exec could release "Terror Comes Knocking" in say 1000 theaters across the US right now and an audience wouldn't really know the difference between the mercantile and well, the thriller fluff. That's "knocking" down drag out. Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Havoc 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

HARDY AND THE BOYS

A one-word title for a movie (yet again), barbaric, slightly noir-like, made for the done-dirty, blood squib crowd. Yeah I'm talking about 2025's Havoc, an action thriller so thunderous and animalistic, you need ear plugs just to view it (unless the volume is at mute). So OK, is Tom Hardy's Patrick Walker a rogue cop? And is he Tom Ludlow's second cousin? And uh, did Tommy boy forget BIC razors ever existed? "What you got for me?" Oh TomTom, you have no idea.

So yeah, there's enough bullets and visceral gunfire and nasty probing to save the whales, a darkened hued look, and plenty of Gotham-style dirty pool when it comes to Havoc. Basically the flick is a little Michael Mann, a little David Ayer, and lots of Paul Verhoeven, all glitz and glitter and blood and grime. 

You want red dye corn syrup blasted onto the screen just for kicks and giggles? Havoc will set you free. You want a vehicle that seems like one big-arse Mexican standoff shot primarily in Wales (that's random)? Havoc will give you that opioid fix. Finally, you want star Hardy (mentioned earlier) roaming Havoc as if he's some off-world bounty hunter saddled with a sand-papered, five o'clock shadow? Prego, it's in there bro. "There are people out there looking for you". Gee, tell me something I don't know. Yeesh!

Starring the likes of Forest Whitaker, Luis Guzman, and Hardy (duh) and distributed by Netflix (who else?), Havoc is about a lowdown detective who must rescue a crooked politician's son from the criminal underworld (sadly I had to look this up on Havoc's vast wiki entry). There are tons of fistfights and shootouts and car chases, filmed three-dimensional-y by Gareth Evans as if he went on a bender and found some body-worn cameras used by LA's finest. If only Havoc could've avoided a murky plot met with tons of fading characters it would have "wreaked" a little more. Mixed depredation.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Broke 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

COWBOY JUNKIE

A one-word title for a movie, depressing, country-fried, distorted in its look just like its main persona. Yeah I'm talking about 2025's Broke, a character study to be interpreted by any viewer or any interested cinephile, in any sort of way they want to do it. Um, is Wyatt Russell's True Brandywine dead? Does he have brain damage? And is True rodeo's version of NFL center Mike Webster from good old Steeler Nation? "Nothing and nobody can make me feel as alive as I do when I'm on the back of that horse for 8 seconds." Ride 'em cowboy True, ride 'em.  

So OK, there's a twangy soundtrack, some dust, lots of glacial snow, "big sky", and a little blood, sweat, and tears with Broke. Basically the flick is Wind River meets The Grey, the neutered version. You want bleak, arid cinematography of The Treasure State and its various municipalities? Broke will give it to ya. You want flashbacks up the yin yang with a little psychedelia to boot? Again Broke will give it to ya. You want an abrupt ending with enough dangling, loose plot threads to power a small country? I didn't but that's Broke's unfortunate shortcomings. "So, what's your plan?" Uh, exactly boss, exactly. 

Produced by Vince Vaughn from his Wild West Picture Show Productions and directed by a rookie in Massachusetts native Carlyle Eubank, Broke is about a buckaroo named True Brandywine (mentioned earlier) who can't seem to shake the feeling of bronc riding despite being steadily maimed with traumatic injuries. Wyatt Russell (son of Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell) channels True and he's the biggest reason to see Broke, what with all his raw, physical acting, his ardor for pain, and his withering screen presence. Other actors (veterans Dennis Quaid, Tom Skerritt, and Mary McDonnell) fade in and out but this is Russell's harrowing, one-man show. You take him out of Broke and the film might need some serious "fixin". Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Caught Stealing 2025 * * * Stars

CUTOFF MAN

An atmospheric, squalid, armpit of a movie that's set in the Lower East Side of Manhattan while turning it into a freaking third world country. Yeah I'm talking about 2025's Caught Stealing, one of those wrong place, wrong time flicks like After Hours or Breakdown or well, even 1995's Nick of Time. So how much abuse can Austin Butler's Hank Thompson take? And how's his poor kidney doing? And uh, that's quite the sweet baseball swing you've got there Henry. "Who did this to you?" Yeah, when it comes to Caught Stealing that's the understatement of the year. Oy!!!

So OK, there's a comfortable shoe soundtrack by the British band Idles, a lot of leaky violence, some black humor, and a real mean streak when it comes to "Stealing". Basically if you want cinema straight from the conduit of ooze, this is your vehicle. You fancy bloody shootouts and fistfights and unsuspecting deaths? Yup, Caught Stealing will give it to you. You dig a solid cast with a few unrecognizable cohorts (Liev Schreiber and Vincent D'Onofrio as some Hasidic mobsters)? Again "Stealing" will give it to you. Finally, you want director Darren Aronofsky getting out of his psychological realism comfort zone to put out something destined for the midnight movie circuit? Prego, yup it's in there. Natch. 

Distributed by Sony Pictures Releasing and rounding out at nearly 107 minutes of running time, Caught Stealing is about Henry "Hank" Thompson (mentioned earlier), a star baseball prospect who while watching his bud's cat, gets embroiled with various thugs and gangsters who want him to find their $4 mil in some storage unit. Of course Thompson doesn't know what the heck is going on until he does and that's where some nasty chaos and conflict ensue. Austin Butler in the lead gives another star-making performance and helmer Aronofsky, well he gets the filthy chic just right, fashioning "Stealing" as a twisty crime thriller that would rather kick you in the teeth than play it fine-drawn. "Caught fire". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Night Always Comes 2025 * * * Stars

COMES TO GRIEF

Wow, now that's a movie, a real troubled sort of movie. Yeah I'm talking about 2025's Night Always Comes, a type of thriller the Safdie brothers would have done had they made a companion piece to go along with their Good Time from nearly ten years back. "Night", well it's a dream within a dream except it's a nightmare, and it's a nightmare within a nightmare except it's real life. Did you get all that?

Anyway Night Always Comes has a distraught woman trudging through Portland, Oregon as if it's modern day Beirut, robbing and violently assaulting and lying, all the while trying to get $25,000 raised so her family won't get evicted from their home. Vanessa Kirby plays said woman in Lynette and it's a nerve-ending performance. You kind of root for her and feel sorry for her at the same time, something done rather ineffectively with the Taraji P. Henson persona from Straw (reviewed just two weeks ago). 

Night Always Comes, well it's a lucid downer par excellence, benefiting from seedy characters, a lot of danger coming from around the corner, and Benjamin Caron's atmospheric direction, full of tracking shots and interior, car camera shots that make you feel like you're bucking the Tilt-A-Whirl. Yup, it's one of those "race against time" flicks that takes place in um, the middle of the night, frothing and yearning and hoping for debt erasing to come to fruition. "I'm gonna be on the street again, is that what you want?" No, but I'd like to get some sleep so I can stop hallucinating while seeing bunnies. Yeesh! 

Starring Julia Fox, Eli Roth, and Kirby (mentioned earlier), "Night" doesn't just let up on the tension, it sledgehammers it to the point where you end up chewing your fingernails off (that's if I had any and I don't). "Night" capped. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Weapons 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

IMPERFECT YET LETHAL WEAPONS

"I think it's best if you keep some distance from this place". Oh and keep your distance from the fellow townspeople who trudge along like the walking dead too. Yikes!

2025's Weapons, well it's about a creepy-looking woman who with terminal cancer, decides to possess children (and adults) into brutally harming themselves and each other. Why you ask? Beats me. Hey, as they say I just work here.  

Anyway when said denizens and tykes get bewitched, they gallop "Naruto run" style, with arms outstretched like guided missiles (hence the word weapons as a title). 

Starring Josh Brolin, Amy Madigan, Julia Garner, Austin Abrams and a host of others, Weapons has a pretty unsettling tone and for part of the way, becomes a mere thinking person's horror endeavor. One might even say the vehicle might require repeated viewings, maybe catch something creepily new seeping into frame. 

By the end however, you're left wondering what the point of it all was with the overrated swipe that is Weapons. I sure did. I mean it's like 128 minutes of gore for the sake of gore, modus operandi for the sake of modus operandi, barbarity for the sake of um, barbarity. "I don't understand at all". Me neither boss. Me neither. 

So OK, what's left to truly admire with Weapons? Well despite its fissure snags, there's a solid directorial effort leaking from Zach Cregger, he of 2022's Barbarian fame. Cregger shoots Weapons in a rather effective nonlinear narrative, as the characters in his vignettes steadily bump into each other with total aplomb. His Weapons is well, the Rashomon of scare fests and something Quentin Tarantino might have done had he shamelessly fooled around with the cinematic occult. Too bad Cregger's keen eye behind the camera overshadows his rather slack script and vapid motives. Makeshift "weapon". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Until Dawn 2025 * * Stars

DAWN AFTER THE DEAD

"Every night, something new is trying to kill us." Great. Can't wait to have an old bag with odious teeth suffocate me. 

Based on a video game and starring unknowns Ella Rubin, Michael Cimino, and Ji-young Yoo, 2025's Until Dawn is a traditional fright fest until it's not (that's a good thing). Until Dawn is also a very hooky film until its effect wears rather thin (that's a not-so-good thing). I mean why does this flick want to mess with its audience and characters just for kicks? And why do said characters have to bite the dust over and over again, sometimes easily, sometimes with weighted effort (huh?)? 

Only "Dawn's" director (the seasoned David F. Sandberg) knows the answers and somewhere he's smiling, thinking he's made a sprawling masterpiece. Easy there boss! Just because you combine elements of The Evil Dead and The Descent and sprinkle it with the almighty Groundhog Day effect doesn't mean you're the master of Italian giallo. Systematic jump scares from the Takashi Shimizu era and MTV-style editing a great horror pic doesn't make. "Up the road, that's where people get into trouble". Well at least "Dawn's" throng gets to see their worming victims get into trouble, bloody corn-syrupy trouble. 

So OK, here's the thing: helmer Sandberg while not playing cinematic hot dog man, conjures up some ghastly, alarming images with Until Dawn. I mean he can make you wince with the makeup department obviously doing their job too. The problem lies in the repetitive diegesis, something about 5 buddies who look for their friend only to get murdered repeatedly while reliving the same darkened night at some haunting abode. Talk about the zapping of dramatic momentum. By the time Until Dawn's abrupt, pat ending comes into play, you've decided that its personas should be put out of their own dolor halfway into the second act. False "dawn". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Straw 2025 * * Stars

NOT SIPPING THIS KOOL-AID

"Something inside of me broke." Ya think? Getting drummed out, getting fired from your job, losing your child, being wanted for murder, being wanted for holdup. Yeah I'd break too, or find a panacea and a bottle of Scotch to medicate.

Anyway in the tradition of movies like 2002's John Q., Ambulance, and 211 comes Straw, something about a single mom who gets embroiled in a day of crime as she holds hostages in a bank because she can't get her paycheck cashed in order to feed her sickly daughter. Taraji P. Henson as Janiyah Wilkinson plays said mom and it's a raw performance, surrounded by a rather depressing, hovel of a Netflix endeavor. You can savor the ooze and grot as Straw's shooting location ("Hotlanta") feels like well, modern day Beirut. 

So OK, if you choose to see Straw see it for Henson's turn alone, what with all her amazing commitment to the role, her indisposed screen presence, and her rearing fidelity. The movie around her, well it's a mixed bag, a profuse satire, showcasing overly mean-spirited side personas who are unenlightened and bent on making Taraji's Janiyah artificially snap. "I just wanna do what's right for my baby." Of course, but why the need to draw out 108 minutes of Straw's malevolent running time when 70 or so would suffice. 

Straw's director (the incomparable Tyler Perry), yeah he'd rather make an "it's only a movie" movie with implausibility and schlock as opposed to dealing with real-life, personage situations. Putting his subjects in a world sans any speck of empathy, hope, or ease, Perry pushes the envelope as only he can creating something where you feel way too sorry for the main character (Janiyah of course) instead of having the audience root for her to find some volition. "Straw drain".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Happy Gilmore 2 2025 * * Stars

BOGEY

What I learned from 2025's Happy Gilmore 2, is that star Adam Sandler has a boatload of friends. I mean he actually got club driving legend John Daly to play himself as some weirdo chilling in Sandler's character's car port. "2", well it just skims the surface when it comes to small parts like Daly. "I haven't swung a club in years." Yup, you're right Sandman, it's been at least 25-plus. 

Anyhow Happy Gilmore 2 is a sequel like Aliens is a sequel, or Terminator 2 is a sequel, or Back to the Future Part II is a sequel. Here's the thing though: bigger doesn't always mean badder, bigger doesn't always mean better, more elaborate, well it doesn't always mean streets ahead. "Let them see the Happy I fell in love with". Great, but does it have to be two sloppy, dawdling hours worth of running time? As Shooter McGavin would say, "this is golf people, not a rock concert".  

So yeah, "2" involves hockey player-turned-golf monger Happy Gilmore coming out of retirement to raise money for his daughter's dance classes while teaming up with some PGA players to thwart the newly crazed Maxi Golf (which feels like the equivalent of LIV Golf, hint hint). The usual high jinks ensue, with "the greatest game ever played" turning into an unscrupulous circus, something that almost veers into that 1988 follow-up with Chevy and Jackie Mason (Caddyshack fans sadly know what I'm talking about). 

Happy Gilmore 2, yeah it doesn't just have cameos mind you, it sprinkles them throughout, like mounds of Parmesan cheese on limp spaghetti. I mean if you're gonna insert Jack Nicklaus, Travis Kelce, Eminem, Jon Lovitz, and Steve Buscemi (that's just 10 percent of the assemblage), then have a story that moves things along, not a barrage of personas that fade in and out like wipes in some depraved, fantasy whirl. Let's face it, the first Happy Gilmore from '96 was tighter, funnier, and will endure more as a cult classic. "2", well it's akin to comedic splatter painting, hoping the messiness will be especial. "Happy" medium.  

Written by Jesse Burleson