Director: Seth Macfarlane
Year: 2015
Rated R
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Amanda Seyfried, Seth Macfarlane
A plethora of unwanted sperm donations falling on the head of star Mark Wahlberg, a x-ray showing a woman's uterus polluted by hundreds of marijuana particles, and a bong constructed into something follicle. Yeah that's the Seth Macfarlane way and this is just a taste of his sloppy seconds to 2012's mega-hit, Ted.
Anyway, you know that 2 Live Crew album, As Nasty As They Wanna Be. Well Ted 2 (the film I'm writing about) isn't as nasty as I thought it would be nor is it as focused as it should be. This is a sequel and come on, you knew it wasn't gonna be as good as the original (I'm not lying when I say that almost every funny line or gag featured, is only in the trailer). "2" is pasted together, it's lax, it tries hard for guffaws (where as the first one didn't really need to try), and even though it expands on the hook and story arc of its predecessor (which has a premise hinged on an asinine, foul-mouthed, pot-smoking teddy bear coming to life because of a young boy's childhood wish), the novelty has now worn off faster than a rusty nail in a vat of Coca-Cola. The thunder buddies may be back but their thunder has sort of been stolen.
With pop culture references ranging from Planes, Trains, & Automobiles (Ted drives a car while chain smoking and doing the "Mess Around") to The Breakfast Club (dancing in the library) to Flash Gordon (Sam Jones still can't stop doing blow), Ted 2 will make you chuckle in spurts only to serve as a reminder of why everything was fresher the first time around. Director Seth Macfarlane is like comedy's version of a food stylist. This time, he throws everything into his vile, crude potluck and the ingredients don't mesh as well. But hey, at least what's on screen is better than his earlier dud, A Million Way to Die in the West (uh, that's not a compliment).
Containing a Mark Wahlberg performance that seems to have been phoned in this time around, featuring a dance sequence (during the opening credits) where Ted's Fuzzy Wuzzy gets his groove on (just think Kate Capshaw in Temple of Doom), and showing both of these main characters getting high to the TV miniseries, Roots (wow that's original), Ted 2's story begins about three years from when the first installment left off. As percolated previously, Ted (brought to the screen by the voice stylings of Macfarlane) survived dying at Fenway Park and now he's about to get married to his potty-mouthed sweetheart, Tami Lynn McCafferty (played by Jessica Barth). Meanwhile, his bromantic partner in crime being John Bennett (Wahlberg), has just gotten a divorce from Lori Collins (played by Mila Kunis from the first Ted). As the proceedings carry along, Ted wants to have a kid with Tami Lynn to strengthen their union. The only snafu is he can't give her one. The solution: Adopt or have the little tyke through artificial insemination. The problem: This all culminates in the Government finding out and determining that Ted is not a really person but just a piece of property. He loses his job at the supermarket, his credit goes down the drain, and his marriage becomes annulled (bummer). The new solution: Ted and Johnny decide to take this catastrophe to trial and hire a lawyer/obligatory love interest in Samantha Leslie Jackson (as in Sam L. Jackson, get it).
Tidbits to look out for in "2": Morgan Freeman (in a brief role as a civil rights attorney) actually says, "I'll go f**k myself", Samantha (played by Amanda Seyfried) jokingly throws a piece of cereal in a blind guy's butt crack (only in America), and Giovanni Ribisi (as creepy Donny from the first Ted) once again does his signature dance from Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now". Every time I hear that song I think I might have to turn it off. It's sadly on par with Goodbye Horses from The Silence of the Lambs.
When it's all said and done, the producers of Ted were ingenious three years ago. They came up with the idea of a cuddly, teddy bear movie and completely turned it on its head. You have this furry toy talking like a Bostonian, making a life with his best bud (Bennett), and eventually transforming into something that's almost criminal in nature. I realized that if this thing became a family film instead, I'm not sure anyone would have bothered to buy a ticket. Frat boy humor in the end, is what we want (I know I'm a fan of it). But here's the thing: Ted 2 gets more trivial as it goes along. Within the final half hour, its hook (as mentioned earlier) doesn't relegate to a movie. Instead, every spoken word of dialogue becomes offensive for the sake of being offensive, odious for the sake of being odious, and foul for the sake of being foul. Constant f-bombs and slapstick pummeling a movie don't make. Oh and did I mention that "2" actually holds back a bit as well. I guess cinematic follow-ups don't always mean bigger and better.
To sum up my review, I'll say this: Last month, I saw 2015's Entourage and in it Mark Wahlberg was asked about how many Ted sequels he was going to do. His response was, "I'll do twenty if I can". Hey Mark, please don't. One is enough.
Of note: (Spoiler alert) if you've seen the ending of the first Ted, the one in "2" is role reversed yet almost identical. You'll spot the outcome from a mile away. Also, there are three noticeable cameos I haven't spoken of yet. One of them is amusing. It involves Jay Leno (playing himself) looking for sex in a men's bar bathroom. Another cameo involves Tom Brady (I'm not even gonna go there). Finally, we have a guest appearance via my hero, Liam Neeson. It's bad and it will have you scratching your head while shaking it at the same time. Everybody's favorite badass buys breakfast cereal at the supermarket where Ted works at. "Are Trix for kids?" Honestly Liam, who gives a crap.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Welcome all film buffs. Enjoy a vast list of both long and short reviews. All reviews posted by myself, Film Critic Jesse Burleson. Also on staff is my colleague and nephew, Film Critic Cole Pollyea. He also has his own blog titled, "ccconfilm.blogspot.com". We welcome your feedback and comments. Let VIEWS ON FILM guide you to your next movie. Rating System: ****Stars: A Classic ***Stars: Good **Stars: Fair *Star: Poor No Stars: Terrible, a waste of time.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Dope 2015 * * Stars
Director: Rick Famuyiwa
Year: 2015
Rated R
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Shameik Moore, Kiersey Clemons, Tony Revolori
In 1991, Morris Chestnut played Ricky Baker in a John Singleton movie (you know the one). Cut to 2015 and you have virtual lookalike Shameik Moore playing Malcolm in Dope (my latest review). Currently, a lot of people are comparing it to Risky Business. I digress but there's one thing that's apparent. "Business" made Tom Cruise a star and I think Dope could do the same for Moore. His performance is the highlight in this otherwise, overrated swipe on high school comedy/drama high jinks. To paint a picture, Dope is disappointing and it has a 90's hip hop aroma that's full tilt. Oh I almost forgot, somewhere somehow, Kid (of Kid n' Play) desperately wants his hi-top fade back.
Shot by a native of Inglewood, California (where the goings-on take place), featuring a scene where a young female pees in public via a drug fueled haze (ugh), and showcasing various, cocksure characters who reluctantly fade in and out of the storyline, Dope focuses on three best friends. They are Diggy (played by Kiersey Clemons), Jib (played by Tony Revolori), and Malcolm (played by Shameik Moore). They aren't the coolest cats in high school but a chance visit to an underground party, gives them the opportunity to make lots of money selling drugs online. On the side, they have to deal with various thugs, smuggle powder (some kind of cocaine mixture I guess) through school security, and keep up with their schoolwork (college applications are waiting). And while all this is going on, Forest Whitaker (one of Dope's producers) does some uneven narration in the beginning only to never be heard from again (was this necessary, I'm thinking no).
Now Dope was a favorite at this year's Sundance Film Festival. I myself, became irritated by how its lead was kicked around and treated like a wilted pinata. What's on screen is mean-spirited, off-putting, and filled with characters who overact while coming off as unwitty. Just picture another L.A. tone poem registering as an urban Go (1999) and a more filthier version of Superbad. The cinematic techniques here by director Rick Famuyiwa, consist of flashbacks, split screens, and some other off-kilter camerawork. That's all fine and dandy except that the editing by Lee Haugen (Dear Sidewalk), is so choppy it robs said techniques of any real exhilaration. What's left is an annoying drug pusher exercise by which sagacious nerds get their day.
In conclusion, you have 103 (overlong) minutes that critics have relegated to salivate over. Why you ask? Because every aspect seems original or dissimilar. I for one, am not on board. If the art of stereotyping is the intention towards getting through to an audience, then this vehicle is par for the course. Bottom line: You don't get any kind of buzz or natural high from Dope's incessant clamoring. All that occurs is a comedown or crash. Am I saying that these proceedings are a bit depressing? Not really. Am I saying that they're in a word, apathetic? Yeah that's it. The result: 2 stars.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Year: 2015
Rated R
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Shameik Moore, Kiersey Clemons, Tony Revolori
In 1991, Morris Chestnut played Ricky Baker in a John Singleton movie (you know the one). Cut to 2015 and you have virtual lookalike Shameik Moore playing Malcolm in Dope (my latest review). Currently, a lot of people are comparing it to Risky Business. I digress but there's one thing that's apparent. "Business" made Tom Cruise a star and I think Dope could do the same for Moore. His performance is the highlight in this otherwise, overrated swipe on high school comedy/drama high jinks. To paint a picture, Dope is disappointing and it has a 90's hip hop aroma that's full tilt. Oh I almost forgot, somewhere somehow, Kid (of Kid n' Play) desperately wants his hi-top fade back.
Shot by a native of Inglewood, California (where the goings-on take place), featuring a scene where a young female pees in public via a drug fueled haze (ugh), and showcasing various, cocksure characters who reluctantly fade in and out of the storyline, Dope focuses on three best friends. They are Diggy (played by Kiersey Clemons), Jib (played by Tony Revolori), and Malcolm (played by Shameik Moore). They aren't the coolest cats in high school but a chance visit to an underground party, gives them the opportunity to make lots of money selling drugs online. On the side, they have to deal with various thugs, smuggle powder (some kind of cocaine mixture I guess) through school security, and keep up with their schoolwork (college applications are waiting). And while all this is going on, Forest Whitaker (one of Dope's producers) does some uneven narration in the beginning only to never be heard from again (was this necessary, I'm thinking no).
Now Dope was a favorite at this year's Sundance Film Festival. I myself, became irritated by how its lead was kicked around and treated like a wilted pinata. What's on screen is mean-spirited, off-putting, and filled with characters who overact while coming off as unwitty. Just picture another L.A. tone poem registering as an urban Go (1999) and a more filthier version of Superbad. The cinematic techniques here by director Rick Famuyiwa, consist of flashbacks, split screens, and some other off-kilter camerawork. That's all fine and dandy except that the editing by Lee Haugen (Dear Sidewalk), is so choppy it robs said techniques of any real exhilaration. What's left is an annoying drug pusher exercise by which sagacious nerds get their day.
In conclusion, you have 103 (overlong) minutes that critics have relegated to salivate over. Why you ask? Because every aspect seems original or dissimilar. I for one, am not on board. If the art of stereotyping is the intention towards getting through to an audience, then this vehicle is par for the course. Bottom line: You don't get any kind of buzz or natural high from Dope's incessant clamoring. All that occurs is a comedown or crash. Am I saying that these proceedings are a bit depressing? Not really. Am I saying that they're in a word, apathetic? Yeah that's it. The result: 2 stars.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Jurassic World 2015 * * 1/2 Stars
Director: Colin Trevorrow
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins
Written by Cole Pollyea
In 1993, director Steven Spielberg released his beloved Jurassic Park to highly receptive audiences who marveled at the impressive yet sophisticated special effects and the intelligent style of storytelling. With the latest entry in the series, Jurassic World, many of these filmmaking characteristics were abandoned and replaced with a big budget, an unnecessarily long running time, and eye-popping visual effects. Still though, it’s very easy to imagine a family enjoying this 124 minute exercise, as Jurassic World is a quintessential summer popcorn movie.
Making an effort to weave in family dynamics, the story of this gargantuan theme park, named Jurassic World, focuses on family members who all have some affiliation with the theme park, and then on some of the people employed by the park. Two brothers, ages 16 and 12 (whereabouts) have just been treated to a trip to their aunt’s pride and joy workplace, Jurassic World. Zach, the eldest, is not thrilled about leaving his girlfriend (and appears to be pretty sour about life in general), but is forced to take care of his brother, Gray, who is ecstatic about seeing the dinosaurs. Their aunt, a woman of high authority in the behind-the-scenes roles of the park, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, is a hotshot professional more dazzled by the park’s profit than the actual living phenomenon that she has helped create. When the park’s latest creation (for higher ratings and more visitors), a gigantic t-rex mutant, breaks loose and puts all of the main characters and the theme park’s reputation in peril, a down-to-earth mechanic/zookeeper of the velociraptors (Chris Pratt) is employed to save the day.
The ways in which Jurassic World excels can be prescribed to one word: fun. It can be just that at times, and it looks like everyone involved in the filming had a rip- roaring time making it. Editing must have especially been a blast, because one loses count just how many times jaws drop during the exemplary CGI action scenes and birds-eye-view shots of the theme park. It’s one genre of escapism that no doubt appeals to a family with kids who can handle a little dinosaur gore.
The fundamental problem with this movie, however, lies in the writing, and spreads from there to the acting. It’s clear that the filmmakers had a number of important themes concerning corporation-takeover in our economy to condense into the screenplay, but the problem is that it is so spoon-fed that it makes its audience sick. It was quite often that I wanted the actors to quit reading their brutal lines and just improvise! What’s more, it plays on audience’s emotions like a violin, throwing in everything but the kitchen sink—that includes a genuinely unbelievable single-tear- rolling-down-the-cheek scene. There were a number of problems with the development of the conflict as well, including both the fact that the “best structural engineers in the world” were seen stuffing their faces with potato chips in the middle of their sentences and the fact that there were more armed soldiers than intelligent scientists in what was supposed to be a laboratory for the biggest theme park in the country! Some of the antagonists were ludicrous as well, as were the many instances in which the main characters lives’ were magnificently saved.
Despite this, Jurassic World has an essence about it that lures moviegoers of all persuasions. It’s loud, flamboyant, and entertaining to a degree. It makes a promise to avid fans of the original; whether or not that promise is met is relative, but what’s for sure is that it possesses many flaws that its predecessor does not. At the heart of the script lies the big idea concerning the dangers of taking things too far in a capitalism- dominated world. Its themes discourage the extension and thereby soiling of what was once a good and even “natural” thing. The tremendous irony here is that by making Jurassic World, that’s just what these filmmakers may have done to the series.
Written by Cole Pollyea
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ty Simpkins
Written by Cole Pollyea
In 1993, director Steven Spielberg released his beloved Jurassic Park to highly receptive audiences who marveled at the impressive yet sophisticated special effects and the intelligent style of storytelling. With the latest entry in the series, Jurassic World, many of these filmmaking characteristics were abandoned and replaced with a big budget, an unnecessarily long running time, and eye-popping visual effects. Still though, it’s very easy to imagine a family enjoying this 124 minute exercise, as Jurassic World is a quintessential summer popcorn movie.
Making an effort to weave in family dynamics, the story of this gargantuan theme park, named Jurassic World, focuses on family members who all have some affiliation with the theme park, and then on some of the people employed by the park. Two brothers, ages 16 and 12 (whereabouts) have just been treated to a trip to their aunt’s pride and joy workplace, Jurassic World. Zach, the eldest, is not thrilled about leaving his girlfriend (and appears to be pretty sour about life in general), but is forced to take care of his brother, Gray, who is ecstatic about seeing the dinosaurs. Their aunt, a woman of high authority in the behind-the-scenes roles of the park, played by Bryce Dallas Howard, is a hotshot professional more dazzled by the park’s profit than the actual living phenomenon that she has helped create. When the park’s latest creation (for higher ratings and more visitors), a gigantic t-rex mutant, breaks loose and puts all of the main characters and the theme park’s reputation in peril, a down-to-earth mechanic/zookeeper of the velociraptors (Chris Pratt) is employed to save the day.
The ways in which Jurassic World excels can be prescribed to one word: fun. It can be just that at times, and it looks like everyone involved in the filming had a rip- roaring time making it. Editing must have especially been a blast, because one loses count just how many times jaws drop during the exemplary CGI action scenes and birds-eye-view shots of the theme park. It’s one genre of escapism that no doubt appeals to a family with kids who can handle a little dinosaur gore.
The fundamental problem with this movie, however, lies in the writing, and spreads from there to the acting. It’s clear that the filmmakers had a number of important themes concerning corporation-takeover in our economy to condense into the screenplay, but the problem is that it is so spoon-fed that it makes its audience sick. It was quite often that I wanted the actors to quit reading their brutal lines and just improvise! What’s more, it plays on audience’s emotions like a violin, throwing in everything but the kitchen sink—that includes a genuinely unbelievable single-tear- rolling-down-the-cheek scene. There were a number of problems with the development of the conflict as well, including both the fact that the “best structural engineers in the world” were seen stuffing their faces with potato chips in the middle of their sentences and the fact that there were more armed soldiers than intelligent scientists in what was supposed to be a laboratory for the biggest theme park in the country! Some of the antagonists were ludicrous as well, as were the many instances in which the main characters lives’ were magnificently saved.
Despite this, Jurassic World has an essence about it that lures moviegoers of all persuasions. It’s loud, flamboyant, and entertaining to a degree. It makes a promise to avid fans of the original; whether or not that promise is met is relative, but what’s for sure is that it possesses many flaws that its predecessor does not. At the heart of the script lies the big idea concerning the dangers of taking things too far in a capitalism- dominated world. Its themes discourage the extension and thereby soiling of what was once a good and even “natural” thing. The tremendous irony here is that by making Jurassic World, that’s just what these filmmakers may have done to the series.
Written by Cole Pollyea
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Survivor 2015 * * * Stars
Director: James McTeigue
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Milla Jovovich, Dylan McDermott
I hate the title of this movie. Thankfully, I liked almost everything else. Survivor (my latest review) sounds so general, so generic, so darn commonplace. If you wanted to google it, you'd have to add the release date. Otherwise, you would get the hit TV show from the early 2000's or the wiki page for one of America's cheesiest rock bands.
Anyway, as I viewed this European spy thriller (with almost no Europeans in it), the first words that entered my mind were "Pierce Brosnan strikes again". He played a sort of bad guy in The November Man and now he plays a real loathsome SOB here. His character is called "The Watchmaker", a hitman who gives human decency the middle finger while killing at will. You think your his confidant until you perish via a knife to any upper extremity (the name is Nash, Mr. Nash). I hate to say it but it's fun watching Brosnan play the heavy. He's just one of the many delights in Survivor, a certain something that's a little bit The Fugitive, a lot like 2013's Paranoia (with more pizazz), and just plain Bourne again.
Featuring plenty of sophisticated bombs exploding and produced by Irwin Winkler (financier of other cyber fare like The Net), this is 96 minutes chronicling Foreign Service assistant, Kate Abbot (played by Milla Jovovich). She works out of London and aids in analyzing visa apps for potential terrorist subjects. When one of her crooked superiors (Robert Forster as Bill Talbot) finds out that Abbot might have uncovered something, well he orders her and her co-workers to be killed. Spunky Kate initially escapes a fainted demise, then gets framed for accidental murder, and finally finds the whole free world trying to hunt her down. Jovovich with eyes a glaring, is solid here and is supported by a strong cast of badasses (Dylan McDermott), old friends (it's good to see Roger Rees in a movie again), and Oscar darlings (past nominee Angela Bassett). Oh and I almost forgot, try to look away from an earlier sequence in the film. It involves United States hostages knelt down while being lit on fire. This is light years ahead of what Richard Pryor went through (freebasing cocaine and 151-proof rum anyone?).
Comedic misadventures and viable acting aside, Survivor is a slow burner of a thriller that picks up hurled momentum throughout. The only scene in it that feels rushed, is the opening one (a bullet-laden tryst between U.S. allies and enemy war soldiers in Afghanistan). Granted, this is a rare vehicle that despite harboring some by the numbers candor and predictable plot elements, still intrigues you, still exudes you, and makes you lightheaded with dense, speedy editing. Director Lewis McTeigue strips everything down from his slower-paced V for Vendetta, to fashion know-how that is slick without being too slick and techy without being too techy. He also gives you plenty of gadgetry/gimmickry while not hastily sledgehammering the notion of both.
All in all, with a cliffhanger climax involving the Times Square Ball on New Year's Eve and a film score lifted from everything Roger Donaldson (if you've seen The Recruit you'll know what I'm talking about), Survivor might be the biggest surprise of pedestrian-rattled 2015. As a late night rental, you can most definitely "survive" it.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Pierce Brosnan, Milla Jovovich, Dylan McDermott
I hate the title of this movie. Thankfully, I liked almost everything else. Survivor (my latest review) sounds so general, so generic, so darn commonplace. If you wanted to google it, you'd have to add the release date. Otherwise, you would get the hit TV show from the early 2000's or the wiki page for one of America's cheesiest rock bands.
Anyway, as I viewed this European spy thriller (with almost no Europeans in it), the first words that entered my mind were "Pierce Brosnan strikes again". He played a sort of bad guy in The November Man and now he plays a real loathsome SOB here. His character is called "The Watchmaker", a hitman who gives human decency the middle finger while killing at will. You think your his confidant until you perish via a knife to any upper extremity (the name is Nash, Mr. Nash). I hate to say it but it's fun watching Brosnan play the heavy. He's just one of the many delights in Survivor, a certain something that's a little bit The Fugitive, a lot like 2013's Paranoia (with more pizazz), and just plain Bourne again.
Featuring plenty of sophisticated bombs exploding and produced by Irwin Winkler (financier of other cyber fare like The Net), this is 96 minutes chronicling Foreign Service assistant, Kate Abbot (played by Milla Jovovich). She works out of London and aids in analyzing visa apps for potential terrorist subjects. When one of her crooked superiors (Robert Forster as Bill Talbot) finds out that Abbot might have uncovered something, well he orders her and her co-workers to be killed. Spunky Kate initially escapes a fainted demise, then gets framed for accidental murder, and finally finds the whole free world trying to hunt her down. Jovovich with eyes a glaring, is solid here and is supported by a strong cast of badasses (Dylan McDermott), old friends (it's good to see Roger Rees in a movie again), and Oscar darlings (past nominee Angela Bassett). Oh and I almost forgot, try to look away from an earlier sequence in the film. It involves United States hostages knelt down while being lit on fire. This is light years ahead of what Richard Pryor went through (freebasing cocaine and 151-proof rum anyone?).
Comedic misadventures and viable acting aside, Survivor is a slow burner of a thriller that picks up hurled momentum throughout. The only scene in it that feels rushed, is the opening one (a bullet-laden tryst between U.S. allies and enemy war soldiers in Afghanistan). Granted, this is a rare vehicle that despite harboring some by the numbers candor and predictable plot elements, still intrigues you, still exudes you, and makes you lightheaded with dense, speedy editing. Director Lewis McTeigue strips everything down from his slower-paced V for Vendetta, to fashion know-how that is slick without being too slick and techy without being too techy. He also gives you plenty of gadgetry/gimmickry while not hastily sledgehammering the notion of both.
All in all, with a cliffhanger climax involving the Times Square Ball on New Year's Eve and a film score lifted from everything Roger Donaldson (if you've seen The Recruit you'll know what I'm talking about), Survivor might be the biggest surprise of pedestrian-rattled 2015. As a late night rental, you can most definitely "survive" it.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Monday, June 8, 2015
San Andreas 2015 * * Stars
Director: Brad Peyton
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario
Man I love disaster flicks. It all started when The Towering Inferno invaded my TV screen back in the early 80's. Since then, I've been hooked, waiting for the next helping of inflated storylines, large casts, and devastating, mitigated destruction. "When the Big One Finally Hits L.A.", "THE ONLY WAY OUT IS IN", "HELL, UPSIDE DOWN", "THE COAST IS TOAST", hey I'm game. Enter San Andreas, 2015's obliterating of California's vast coastline. Quakes occur on a dime in this flick, cities like Los Angeles and San Francisco are reduced to mere debris, and oh yeah, there's also a big ol' tsunami thrown in to polish everything off. So let's just skip all the pleasantries and say that what we have here, is clear-cut disaster porn? Or better yet, clear-cut, disaster porn addiction. Granted, this isn't your typical special effects eye candy, it's the whole candy store. And yes, San Andreas is a popcorn flick. There's a pound of butter, a pound of seasoned salt, and a tub the size of Texas to put it all in. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Yeah I think I can and sadly, it amounts to just middling results.
Anyway, if you've seen Earthquake (1974), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), or Independence Day (1996), well get ready to experience more of the same here. The only difference is that "Andreas" takes residue from these films and ups the ante to almost unrealistic proportions. I mean, director Brad Peyton doesn't want to draw you into his presented caricatures or situations. He just needs twenty, nutrition-free minutes of buildup time to pummel your fragile psyche into moviegoing submission. We have the Golden Gate bridge reduced to dusty rubble, we have the Hoover dam blown to smithereens, and we get to see AT&T Park look like it needs about five makeovers. These effects seem like they're literally just for show and not conducive to pushing the story along. Hmm, did Michael Bay wander on set (out of boredom) and give out some pro bono consultation? Maybe.
Oh I almost forgot, San Andreas could qualify as the feel-good disaster film of this year. That's if you revel in seeing all the main characters live and the one jerk character die (every extra or bit part is expendable and in the blink of an eye, they too bite the proverbial dust). Was I blown away by its visual splendor and moderated moments of grated tension? Yeah somewhat. Did I roll my eyes at its impracticality, shake my head in disbelief over how the main players escape death, identity all the green screen confetti, and then say to myself, "it's only a movie"? Yup.
With a screenplay by Carlton Cuse (he wrote 39 episodes of the TV series, Lost), a running time of 114 minutes (90% of said running time is annihilation while the other 10% is daft, character development), and a bloodless way of taking out its hapless (or should I say, cardboard) victims, San Andreas chronicles helicopter-rescue pilot, Ray Gaines (Dwayne Johnson). He's about to be divorced from his wife (Emma played by Carla Gugino) and said wife is about to move in with her new jagoff boyfriend (real estate developer Daniel Riddick who is played by Ioan Gruffudd). Ray is also in the process of planning a trip to San Francisco. He wants to see his college-bound daughter off (Blake played by Alexandra Daddario). When Daniel ends up taking Blake to school instead, Raymond gets back to the job of rescuing people and flexing his ripped biceps. It's only when a series of badass earthquakes caused by the San Andreas fault, gives him the chance to be united with his estranged wife and cutesy daughter once again. Raybird saves a couple of other denizens in danger (or peril) as the proceedings barrel along. But his main focus here is to just take care of his own doting family. Every other resident in Cali is an afterthought waiting for the slaughter.
Johnson's character for what it's worth, is pretty much like Dennis Quaid's Jack Hall from The Day After Tomorrow (mentioned earlier). The only difference is that Johnson looks so big he could swallow little Dennis whole. I'll say it once and I'll say it again: A movie screen is too small of a catacomb to fit The Rock in. The tickets to the gun show can only be bought in bulk.
Now the quality of acting via disaster vehicles has never been characterized as phenomenal. I mean there have been a couple of Academy Award nominations here and there but for the most part, it's just more about the plethora of big name stars faceted to wet your whistle. In San Andreas however, you don't really get that. The Steve McQueens and Paul Newmans are long gone. There's no Charlton Heston, no Ava Gardner, no Gene Hackman, and no Ernest Borgnine. Robert Wagner isn't there to sort of guide you through the fire and you can't hitch a motorcycle ride with Mr. Richard Roundtree. No all we have is a bunch of unknown actors, Paul Giamatti, and you know who. Speaking of Giamatti, well he gives the film's best performance. He plays seismologist Lawrence Hayes and his job is to shift from moment to moment all the while delivering TV news of the doom and gloom variety. His role in the film however, is somewhat thankless. He's reduced to kind of a side note and comes off more like a curator or narrator. When San Andreas concludes, you don't find out what happens to him or his other scientific cohorts. Que sera sera.
That leaves all the heavy lifting (no pun intended) to Dwayne Johnson. On screen his Ray is likable. He's the big, giant teddy bear you root for. Johnson in a way, infuses him with some palatable screen presence. However, his dialogue delivery like in many of his other movies, still seems as wooden as ever here. I mean, the only time I've notice Johnson possess any acting chomps is when he did the whole concerned father thing in 2013's Snitch. When certain scenes cause for him to show emotion in "Andreas", well he's the movie equivalent of Bill Belichick at a New England Patriots press conference. I can just see Brad Peyton (on set) yelling, "show some tears Rocko! Break something Rocko! Lift an eyebrow Rocko! Darn it!"
In conclusion, San Andreas lacks a certain epicness or a heighten sentiment that should accompany something so Homeric in scale. It's almost on par with being bloated humdrum and feels recycled from other, better disaster fare. However, if you have two hours to kill and enjoy seeing buildings blown to bits (with CGI up the yin yang), well it's harmless. So to end this review I'll give "Andreas" an alternative, working title. How about Armageddon On The Day After Tomorrow Causing An Earthquake With A Deep Impact. Man that was a mouthful.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Year: 2015
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Carla Gugino, Alexandra Daddario
Man I love disaster flicks. It all started when The Towering Inferno invaded my TV screen back in the early 80's. Since then, I've been hooked, waiting for the next helping of inflated storylines, large casts, and devastating, mitigated destruction. "When the Big One Finally Hits L.A.", "THE ONLY WAY OUT IS IN", "HELL, UPSIDE DOWN", "THE COAST IS TOAST", hey I'm game. Enter San Andreas, 2015's obliterating of California's vast coastline. Quakes occur on a dime in this flick, cities like Los Angeles and San Francisco are reduced to mere debris, and oh yeah, there's also a big ol' tsunami thrown in to polish everything off. So let's just skip all the pleasantries and say that what we have here, is clear-cut disaster porn? Or better yet, clear-cut, disaster porn addiction. Granted, this isn't your typical special effects eye candy, it's the whole candy store. And yes, San Andreas is a popcorn flick. There's a pound of butter, a pound of seasoned salt, and a tub the size of Texas to put it all in. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? Yeah I think I can and sadly, it amounts to just middling results.
Anyway, if you've seen Earthquake (1974), The Day After Tomorrow (2004), or Independence Day (1996), well get ready to experience more of the same here. The only difference is that "Andreas" takes residue from these films and ups the ante to almost unrealistic proportions. I mean, director Brad Peyton doesn't want to draw you into his presented caricatures or situations. He just needs twenty, nutrition-free minutes of buildup time to pummel your fragile psyche into moviegoing submission. We have the Golden Gate bridge reduced to dusty rubble, we have the Hoover dam blown to smithereens, and we get to see AT&T Park look like it needs about five makeovers. These effects seem like they're literally just for show and not conducive to pushing the story along. Hmm, did Michael Bay wander on set (out of boredom) and give out some pro bono consultation? Maybe.
Oh I almost forgot, San Andreas could qualify as the feel-good disaster film of this year. That's if you revel in seeing all the main characters live and the one jerk character die (every extra or bit part is expendable and in the blink of an eye, they too bite the proverbial dust). Was I blown away by its visual splendor and moderated moments of grated tension? Yeah somewhat. Did I roll my eyes at its impracticality, shake my head in disbelief over how the main players escape death, identity all the green screen confetti, and then say to myself, "it's only a movie"? Yup.
With a screenplay by Carlton Cuse (he wrote 39 episodes of the TV series, Lost), a running time of 114 minutes (90% of said running time is annihilation while the other 10% is daft, character development), and a bloodless way of taking out its hapless (or should I say, cardboard) victims, San Andreas chronicles helicopter-rescue pilot, Ray Gaines (Dwayne Johnson). He's about to be divorced from his wife (Emma played by Carla Gugino) and said wife is about to move in with her new jagoff boyfriend (real estate developer Daniel Riddick who is played by Ioan Gruffudd). Ray is also in the process of planning a trip to San Francisco. He wants to see his college-bound daughter off (Blake played by Alexandra Daddario). When Daniel ends up taking Blake to school instead, Raymond gets back to the job of rescuing people and flexing his ripped biceps. It's only when a series of badass earthquakes caused by the San Andreas fault, gives him the chance to be united with his estranged wife and cutesy daughter once again. Raybird saves a couple of other denizens in danger (or peril) as the proceedings barrel along. But his main focus here is to just take care of his own doting family. Every other resident in Cali is an afterthought waiting for the slaughter.
Johnson's character for what it's worth, is pretty much like Dennis Quaid's Jack Hall from The Day After Tomorrow (mentioned earlier). The only difference is that Johnson looks so big he could swallow little Dennis whole. I'll say it once and I'll say it again: A movie screen is too small of a catacomb to fit The Rock in. The tickets to the gun show can only be bought in bulk.
Now the quality of acting via disaster vehicles has never been characterized as phenomenal. I mean there have been a couple of Academy Award nominations here and there but for the most part, it's just more about the plethora of big name stars faceted to wet your whistle. In San Andreas however, you don't really get that. The Steve McQueens and Paul Newmans are long gone. There's no Charlton Heston, no Ava Gardner, no Gene Hackman, and no Ernest Borgnine. Robert Wagner isn't there to sort of guide you through the fire and you can't hitch a motorcycle ride with Mr. Richard Roundtree. No all we have is a bunch of unknown actors, Paul Giamatti, and you know who. Speaking of Giamatti, well he gives the film's best performance. He plays seismologist Lawrence Hayes and his job is to shift from moment to moment all the while delivering TV news of the doom and gloom variety. His role in the film however, is somewhat thankless. He's reduced to kind of a side note and comes off more like a curator or narrator. When San Andreas concludes, you don't find out what happens to him or his other scientific cohorts. Que sera sera.
That leaves all the heavy lifting (no pun intended) to Dwayne Johnson. On screen his Ray is likable. He's the big, giant teddy bear you root for. Johnson in a way, infuses him with some palatable screen presence. However, his dialogue delivery like in many of his other movies, still seems as wooden as ever here. I mean, the only time I've notice Johnson possess any acting chomps is when he did the whole concerned father thing in 2013's Snitch. When certain scenes cause for him to show emotion in "Andreas", well he's the movie equivalent of Bill Belichick at a New England Patriots press conference. I can just see Brad Peyton (on set) yelling, "show some tears Rocko! Break something Rocko! Lift an eyebrow Rocko! Darn it!"
In conclusion, San Andreas lacks a certain epicness or a heighten sentiment that should accompany something so Homeric in scale. It's almost on par with being bloated humdrum and feels recycled from other, better disaster fare. However, if you have two hours to kill and enjoy seeing buildings blown to bits (with CGI up the yin yang), well it's harmless. So to end this review I'll give "Andreas" an alternative, working title. How about Armageddon On The Day After Tomorrow Causing An Earthquake With A Deep Impact. Man that was a mouthful.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Friday, June 5, 2015
Entourage 2015 * * * Stars
Director: Doug Ellin
Year: 2015
Rated R
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Jeremy Piven, Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, Jerry Ferrara
I have never viewed the TV show Entourage. But after taking in the movie that it's based on (with the same title), I now want to purchase seasons 1-8 at the local Best Buy. This 104 minute vehicle with its boatload of cameos (most of them are pretty zany), is a lot of fun. What's on screen is cool and confident, frenzied and foul. It's one of the few times where the bait and switch of the trailer actually delivers. With popcorn and soda in hand, I laughed out loud in bunches seeing Hollywood expose itself, wink in spite of itself, and sort of make fun of its own celebritorium. The setting being the whole Southern Californian landscape, thumbed its nose in the fact that people like me (who live in cold, blustery Illinois), can't enjoy 365 days of gleaming sunshine and bikini-clad woman who grow on trees. And after seeing Entourage with its bromance interludes, crude humor, and insider, L.A. brandishing, I wanted to pack up my stuff and drive 2000 miles to join the party. Oh did I mention there's a scene where Haley Joel Osment is in a hotel room with 2 hookers and plenty of hard liquor. Cole Sear, we hardly knew ya!
Directed by the same guy who helmed the famed HBO successor (Doug Ellin), shot with the notion that no one walks around L.A. (almost no one), and featuring a scene where UFC fighter Rhonda Rousey breaks a character's arm to show some tough love affection, Entourage chronicles movie star Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier). He has his quote unquote "entourage" following him around while he directs his first feature film titled Hyde. His boys consists of Eric Murphy (Kevin Connolly), Turtle (Jerry Ferrara), and his brother, Johnny "Drama" Chase (Kevin Dillon). Eric is producing said film, Turtle is just along for the ride (naturally, he's their driver), and "Drama" is playing a pivotal role pertinent to Hyde's success. Then, Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) comes into the picture. He's the studio head for Chase's baby and he's Chase's former agent. Based on problems with the budget, Gold has reservations about getting things primed for a future big box office hit. He's strapped for extra money that Vince needs to complete the final cut (visually). His mission: Fly to Texas and ask for this extra moola from two wealthy financiers (played respectably by Billy Bob Thornton and Haley Joel Osment). As expected, most of the ins and outs of Tinseltown are on display here. Everybody just wants to have fun and the vibe of Entourage constantly becomes more intoxicating. An ex-girlfriend of mine who used to live in La La land, told me that all anybody does out there is talk about movies and secure movie deals. Boy she wasn't kidding.
In retrospect, if you're an Entourage TV show junkie, I'm not sure whether you'll like the film or not because I can't speak for you (I've never caught one iota of it on the perennial boob tube). However, if you're not a fan of said show or have never even seen one episode, well you'll still have a heck of a good time following these four likable (and sometimes unlikable) city dwellers.
Now if it's cameos (they were mentioned earlier) that you want, Entourage has got em' in bulk. The ones in the Anchorman movies seem more like parodies and are mere child's play in comparison. You've got Liam Neeson flipping the bird at Ari (from his car nearing a stoplight), you've got T.I. at a hospital complaining about all the children he's about to father (ha ha), you've got a balding Andrew Dice Clay getting his swerve on at a screening party, and you can't complete the guest appearance ring without George Takei (aka Lt. Commander Sulu) playing a priest that oversees a wedding ceremony. This is just the tip of the iceberg because there's many more bit parts to go around (during this flick, it seemed that celebrities just popped up everywhere. I get starstruck so I'm wondering if this is really what goes down in the uppity corners via the city of angels).
Anyway, the TV show Sex and the City tried to pull off the whole HBO network hit-transitioning-to-movie thing and it just came off as boring and overlong. Nothing against those four talented women. I would just rather follow these A to B-listers anywhere and at anytime (that's all). Bottom line: Go see Entourage. It's a refreshing summer expedition, it's harmless, and it's sort of a more commercial, more extravagant version of Swingers (which is referenced in yet another cameo). The result: 3 stars.
Of note: About ten years ago when I first moved to Chicago, an old buddy of mine hung out with Jeremy Piven at a Cubs game (Piven is an Evanston, Illinois native). He was really drunk, didn't know said buddy from Adam, and acted almost the same as he does in all of his movies (fast-talking with an enormous gift of gab). How do I know all this? Well my friend (whose name I won't mention) caught the whole thing on his Smartphone (before the whole YouTube craze began). As I viewed Jeremy's funny and restless antics, I figured that he was always in character and brought his work home with him. This was a pretty surreal moment if I do say so myself.
Written by Jesse Burleson
Year: 2015
Rated R
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Jeremy Piven, Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, Jerry Ferrara
I have never viewed the TV show Entourage. But after taking in the movie that it's based on (with the same title), I now want to purchase seasons 1-8 at the local Best Buy. This 104 minute vehicle with its boatload of cameos (most of them are pretty zany), is a lot of fun. What's on screen is cool and confident, frenzied and foul. It's one of the few times where the bait and switch of the trailer actually delivers. With popcorn and soda in hand, I laughed out loud in bunches seeing Hollywood expose itself, wink in spite of itself, and sort of make fun of its own celebritorium. The setting being the whole Southern Californian landscape, thumbed its nose in the fact that people like me (who live in cold, blustery Illinois), can't enjoy 365 days of gleaming sunshine and bikini-clad woman who grow on trees. And after seeing Entourage with its bromance interludes, crude humor, and insider, L.A. brandishing, I wanted to pack up my stuff and drive 2000 miles to join the party. Oh did I mention there's a scene where Haley Joel Osment is in a hotel room with 2 hookers and plenty of hard liquor. Cole Sear, we hardly knew ya!
Directed by the same guy who helmed the famed HBO successor (Doug Ellin), shot with the notion that no one walks around L.A. (almost no one), and featuring a scene where UFC fighter Rhonda Rousey breaks a character's arm to show some tough love affection, Entourage chronicles movie star Vincent Chase (Adrian Grenier). He has his quote unquote "entourage" following him around while he directs his first feature film titled Hyde. His boys consists of Eric Murphy (Kevin Connolly), Turtle (Jerry Ferrara), and his brother, Johnny "Drama" Chase (Kevin Dillon). Eric is producing said film, Turtle is just along for the ride (naturally, he's their driver), and "Drama" is playing a pivotal role pertinent to Hyde's success. Then, Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) comes into the picture. He's the studio head for Chase's baby and he's Chase's former agent. Based on problems with the budget, Gold has reservations about getting things primed for a future big box office hit. He's strapped for extra money that Vince needs to complete the final cut (visually). His mission: Fly to Texas and ask for this extra moola from two wealthy financiers (played respectably by Billy Bob Thornton and Haley Joel Osment). As expected, most of the ins and outs of Tinseltown are on display here. Everybody just wants to have fun and the vibe of Entourage constantly becomes more intoxicating. An ex-girlfriend of mine who used to live in La La land, told me that all anybody does out there is talk about movies and secure movie deals. Boy she wasn't kidding.
In retrospect, if you're an Entourage TV show junkie, I'm not sure whether you'll like the film or not because I can't speak for you (I've never caught one iota of it on the perennial boob tube). However, if you're not a fan of said show or have never even seen one episode, well you'll still have a heck of a good time following these four likable (and sometimes unlikable) city dwellers.
Now if it's cameos (they were mentioned earlier) that you want, Entourage has got em' in bulk. The ones in the Anchorman movies seem more like parodies and are mere child's play in comparison. You've got Liam Neeson flipping the bird at Ari (from his car nearing a stoplight), you've got T.I. at a hospital complaining about all the children he's about to father (ha ha), you've got a balding Andrew Dice Clay getting his swerve on at a screening party, and you can't complete the guest appearance ring without George Takei (aka Lt. Commander Sulu) playing a priest that oversees a wedding ceremony. This is just the tip of the iceberg because there's many more bit parts to go around (during this flick, it seemed that celebrities just popped up everywhere. I get starstruck so I'm wondering if this is really what goes down in the uppity corners via the city of angels).
Anyway, the TV show Sex and the City tried to pull off the whole HBO network hit-transitioning-to-movie thing and it just came off as boring and overlong. Nothing against those four talented women. I would just rather follow these A to B-listers anywhere and at anytime (that's all). Bottom line: Go see Entourage. It's a refreshing summer expedition, it's harmless, and it's sort of a more commercial, more extravagant version of Swingers (which is referenced in yet another cameo). The result: 3 stars.
Of note: About ten years ago when I first moved to Chicago, an old buddy of mine hung out with Jeremy Piven at a Cubs game (Piven is an Evanston, Illinois native). He was really drunk, didn't know said buddy from Adam, and acted almost the same as he does in all of his movies (fast-talking with an enormous gift of gab). How do I know all this? Well my friend (whose name I won't mention) caught the whole thing on his Smartphone (before the whole YouTube craze began). As I viewed Jeremy's funny and restless antics, I figured that he was always in character and brought his work home with him. This was a pretty surreal moment if I do say so myself.
Written by Jesse Burleson
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