Carry-On 2024 * * * Stars

"DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE"

2024's Carry-On has to do with airports, and metal detectors, and annoying commuters, and handheld luggage (hence the plain to see title). It fashions itself in the vein of stuff like Phone Booth and Panic Room and 2005's Red Eye, movies where if the protagonist doesn't do something for the antagonist, said antagonist is gonna make said protagonist's life a living nightmare. In the case of Carry-On, TSA agent Ethan Kopek (Taron Egerton) has to let a dangerous package pass through security or evil passenger Traveler (Jason Bateman) is gonna off Ethan's pregnant girlfriend. "Just relax okay". Uh, whatev dude, I'm doing the best I can. 

Carry-On, well it is directed by Jaume Collet Serra, a guy who never met a terminal and/or baggage claim he didn't like (or wanted to utilize). Serra manufactures a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thang, letting the chaos and tension spill mostly within the lobby as opposed to the friendly skies. As usual he turns the psychological screws and supplies the mild convolutions, occasionally throwing in a violent, three-dimensional, streamlined action sequence (in this occasion, said sequence is set to Wham's "Last Christmas"). About the only thing missing from Serra's flight plight is some NYC locales and one Liam Neeson. 

Normally funnyman and gift of gab monger Jason Bateman squeezing out a performance as a credible villain, some offhanded humor, Bateman and Egerton's Ethan going mano a mano in thuggish manner. Carry-on has these attributes but let it be known, it is not a Christmas movie (even though it takes place on Christmas Eve), just as Die Hard is not a Christmas movie (same swipe). Get over it people and embrace Red One as Yuletide fare instead! Just accept Carry-On as a thriller that just happens to intervene with those warm, day of festivity fuzzies. "Carry" conviction. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Complete Unknown 2024 * * * Stars

SELF PORTRAIT

From 1961 to 1965, Bob Dylan's life as a musical icon is chronicled in 2024's A Complete Unknown. "I met one man who was wounded in love". Indeed.

Anyhow most biopics about actual, famous people are recommendable because there's always a godlike performance to accompany (and sometimes overshadow) the whole kit and caboodle. In "Unknown", Timothee Chalamet completely immerses himself into character via Dylan, singing like him and talking like him and getting all his mannerisms just right. Come Oscar time circa 2025, Timmy boy might need to clear space for one of the shelves in his probably big-arse abode. He may just collect ye olde statuette come March.

Chalamet's transformation and dramatization validity aside, do I think A Complete Unknown is a masterpiece in filmmaking from usual, biographical monger James Mangold? Not completely (pun intended) but I admire Jim's rich sense of time and place, his method of generating early 60s, viewer escapism. I also dug where he put the camera, as Bob Dylan's four years of depiction feel like an effectively languid, slow burn. Production values, set design, and "cultural decade", flight(s) of fancy within "Unknown" are all top-notch. "He's not selling any alibis". No Bob's not, never.

So why am I hesitating in announcing A Complete Unknown as the best vehicle of the year. Well for starters it's edited choppily and a tad overlong, recycling Jay Cocks and Mangold's screenplay while not having much of a diegesis of its own to bounce off of. Added to that, Bob Dylan is not portrayed as the most likable dude in the world here. I mean sure Chalamet is brilliant but his persona as well as the overall conch of "Unknown" keep you at a distance, not letting you crash the veritable party. The film feels like a chronological, "peeking in" documentary and/or 141-minute folk concert when it could've delved a little deeper. Near-great "unknown". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Gladiator II 2024 * * * Stars

AT MY SIGNAL UNLEASH WELL, YOU KNOW

The son of the late Maximus is sold to slavery to become a trained combatant via the Colosseum. That's the continual nub of 2024's Gladiator II. 

Anyway, most sequels are inferior to the original. It's almost an enigma as to why. Aliens and Godfather Part II and Wrath of Khan may be the exceptions but there it is, a lesser product that makes less money and gets the usual ribbing by those nitpicky critics. "You will be my instrument". Uh, not so fast there big guy. 

So OK, Gladiator II just happens to be the follow-up to 2000's Gladiator (naturally). "II" may be shorter (by 7 minutes) but it's bigger, and bloodier, and well, more lurid. A fight to the death against some nasty baboons, a fight to the death against some pesky sharks, a fight to the death "Mandingo" style, Denzel Washington doing an imitation-like performance of a Roman emperor with a penchant for big-arse earrings. Yeah Gladiator II is like Gladiator on steroids but that doesn't make it the superior result. "Are you not entertained?" I mean yeah but it's not what you're thinking. 

Starring Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal, Connie Nielsen, and Washington (see last paragraph), "II" is better than most second runs because it stays faithful to the original while moving the story along as if it were the utmost form of a companion piece. Minus almost aping Gladiator's first hour in terms of plot threads and affray themes, "II" is worth at least one watch for those who consider "fear and wonder a powerful combination" (natch).  

I mean the look is the same (cloudy and blazing, sun-scorched hues), Ridley Scott's direction is still the mammoth of all canvases, and the editing is about as crisp as new $1 dollar bills. What's missing from "II" that the first Gladiator had is the stirring score of Hans Zimmer (the late Hans Zimmer), any standout speck of emotional and/or dramatic heft, and of course, the molten screen presence of one Russell Crowe (he died the first time around so what are you gonna do). Still, as a holiday-released pic with modernized, historical avail and a proclivity for brutal inhumanity, Gladiator II "fights tooth and nail".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top Ten Movie Picks of 2024

1. How to Rob a Bank * * * 1/2 Stars

-How to Rob a Bank is a documentary that's entertaining enough to make you feel like you're watching pure fiction (when your obviously not). 

2. Lover, Stalker, Killer * * * 1/2 Stars

-Lover, Stalker, Killer is all so diverting, perplexed, and fresh, like some drawn-out episode of Paranormal Witness, Dateline, and/or Forensic Files.

3. Apollo 13: Survival * * * 1/2 Stars

-Apollo 13: Survival is a docu that would rather heighten the cinematic days of yore as opposed to just reinventing the Space Race hoop. 

4. A Complete Unknown * * * Stars

-Timothee Chalamet immerses himself into character as Bob Dylan in this well-made biopic about the legendary folksinger. 

4. (tie) Sixty Minutes * * * Stars

-Few films have the urgency and/or bone-crushing voyeurism of Sixty Minutes, a non-stop rinse, repeat of loud fistfights then payoff, then loud fistfights then payoff.

5. Return of the King: The Rise and Fall of Elvis Presley * * * Stars

-A tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter.

6. The Wages of Fear * * * Stars

-The Wages of Fear is The Road Warrior meets 2015's Sicario. Slick and violent and dangerous.

7. Bitconned * * * Stars

-If flicks like Boiler Room, The Wolf of Wall Street, and The Social Network were made into docus, they'd probably equal the plot line of the cocksure Bitconned. 

7. (tie) Carry-On * * * Stars

-A film that fashions a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thing. Streamlined tension (pun intended). 

8. Reagan * * * Stars

-A rather hard-nosed drama about the 40th president that contains a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation.

9. The Menendez Brothers * * * Stars

-Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated. His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch.

10. A Quiet Place: Day One * * * Stars

-Helmer Sarnoski gives A Quiet Place: Day One that compact, efficacious treatment, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil. 

Honorable Mention: Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy, Under Paris, Arthur the King, The Fall Guy, Transformers One, Gladiator II

And the worst....

1. Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer * 1/2 Stars

-Instead of "killing" the audience with his so-called, iconic abilities as a funnyman, Jimmy Carr appears more like the poor man's Ricky Gervais, hosting an X-Rated version of the Golden Globes and bombing like the empty half pints at an Irish pub.

2. Unfrosted * 1/2 Stars

-Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include director Jerry Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind.

3. What Jennifer Did * 1/2 Stars

-What Jennifer Did is not so much a docu as it is a declared-in-advance malfeasance caper with a muted conclusion. "Did" more harm than good? Oh you betcha. 

4. Cat and Dog * 1/2 Stars

-Cat and Dog is a pseudo comedy I suppose and/or a harmless, slapstick action caper. This vehicle doesn't have much of a tone and it's one of those flicks where the people involved had much more fun making it than the viewer has watching it.

5. A Family Affair * 1/2 Stars

-A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three characters who'd probably be better off avoiding each other.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

Trespass 2011 * 1/2 Stars

FELL FROM GRACE

A husband, wife, and daughter are kidnapped and held for ransom in their swanky abode. Said kidnappers need a lot of moolah to pay off a debt. No this isn't the flick Trespass with Ice T from 30 years back. This is 2011's Trespass starring Nicolas Cage, Nicole Kidman, and a very rattled Ben Mendelsohn (what else is new).

So yeah, one character in Trespass says "open the safe" about a million times, like there's some screenwriter out there who couldn't think of anything else to dash off. Trespass, well it may be the title of my latest review but it could be easily renamed "Impasse", as in virtually no headway. 

Taking place in Louisiana, uninspired, and distributed by Entertainment One (that's debatable), Trespass is bad, like bile in your mouth bad. It's a home invasion conch that goes on and on and on, draining any tension you might have thought you had at the beginning of watching it. 

Sure Nic Cage as family man Kyle Miller is reliable and Kidman as his wife (Sarah Miller) does an okay job of acting afraid and cowed, but then there's the bad guys, the antagonists, bickering and yelling and botching the job and getting more doltish as time marches on. They probably could've offed the hostages and just searched ye olde mansion for anything of value but no, they have to explain everything and intimidate and never shut the f up. There's a saying you know, it's that "overexposure kills you". Natch. 

Trespass, well it's directed by the late Joel Schumacher, a man who never saw a weird camera angle, a cheesy zoom, or an awkward flashback he didn't like. Besides 2000's Tigerland and Phone Booth, there has never been a film of his I can really get on board with (and there have been over 25 of them). I mean the dude was one of the kings of schlock, substituting pap for art and commercial swipe for the adjective of untrammeled. His Trespass as a compact thriller is uh, "criminally" mundane. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Juice 1992 * * * 1/2 Stars

UPTOWN ANTHEM

"If you want respect you've got to earn it." So quips the levelheaded character of Quincy "Q" Powell from Juice, an urban crime conch that spits the sights and sounds of early 90s NYC on the real. It's in the soundtrack, it's in the red-blooded lingo, and it's in the bold-colored cinematography laced with a little doggedness. New Jack City was The Godfather while Juice was Goodfellas, a little more lowdown, a little more lower class, and small-scale.  

The cast was unknown at the time (Omar Epps, Tupac Shakur, Khalil Kain, Samuel L. Jackson), the director was Spike Lee's cinematographer (Ernest Dickerson), and as far as I know, the film wasn't marketed heavily. Juice, well it came out in a wave of early to mid, post-Cold War decade flicks like Fresh and New Jersey Drive and 1993's Menace II Society. As a thriller it's dense yet ruthless and dangerous, with a citified look that's more commercial than independent. Dickerson creates tension throughout, turning comradeship between four young, misguided hoods into a living, breathing nightmare. "You got the juice now, man". Are you sure about that boss, are you?

Juice, yeah it's lean and mean, with Ernest Dickerson masterfully carrying the final, violent sequence set to Cypress Hill's "How I Could Just Kill a Man" with total aplomb. Yup, Juice is a snapshot and/or slice of "crime doesn't pay" swipe, where some childhood friends knock off a liquor store only to have one of them kill the clerk and some of each other. Minus a rather thin narrative where you know little about these wannabe thugs before bedlam gets pukka, Juice literally unfolds like a sledgehammer, with Shakur's pitiless, psycho Roland Bishop the standout and/or anchor. Solid cast, non-flashy yet tight direction, Tupac emoting like a spitfire hyena, and taut editing make Juice sundry viewing for anyone who likes their gangster pics with a little strife. On this "juice". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy 2024 * * * Stars

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!!!

2024's Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is a documentary about how branded companies supply ruses and duplicity to get you to purchase their goods no matter the cost or whether you need said goods or not. "It just becomes this cycle of pain." Oh yeah, true dat. 

"Buy Now!", well it has interviews from people who worked at Adidas, Apple, and Amazon. Now those same people are pseudo whistleblowers, angered after leaving their corporations and venting as if they could taste their 15 minutes of fame. I mean I sure hope they got paid for exposing their cohorts now that they're out of a job. "They know you, like we know you". Uh, that's not dodgy at all.

So yeah, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is the antithesis to the concept of consumerism and the antiserum to the protection of the natural world. Just picture an ESPN, 30 for 30 episode but without the concept of sports. Just picture a warped-out, Peter Gabriel music video sans the Claymation. Just picture a cinematic acid trip complete with multiple facets of sensory overload. Just picture this, that, and just about everything else when it comes to the "pink elephant" conch that is "Buy Now!".

Sure the film feels one-sided and sort of fan-made when it comes to the wronged art of non-procuring. Sure there's this AI narration throughout that'll give you the ill at ease, creep-o alerts. And sure, "Buy Now!" doesn't have much of a narrative and/or structure, just a rinse, repeat cycle of accounts via some disgruntled workers on the corporate lam. Still, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is tantalizing in the way it distributes its rather cryptic info about scraps and detritus that tend to take our environment for a duff ride. Heck, it's the type of flick you could show agog high schoolers on Earth Day. Unix "conspiracy". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Christmas Brew 2024 * * * Stars

NEAR BEER

Unseasoned director Vincenzo Conrorio helms 2024's The Christmas Brew. And yeah, it's not the most Christmassy movie with Christmas in the title. "Brew" is about beer though in spades, the same way last year's A Christmas Vintage was about well, wine. "Was there ever a world in which I got to keep running my brewery?" Easy there big guy, good times ahead.  

The Christmas Brew, well it's like watching a holiday flick where you ditch the cutesy hat, nuzzle the slow burn, and go for the more entrancing, silly season spectacle. I mean there's a little less Yuletide schmaltz and a little more at stake in terms of the fate of its characters. Every frame feels like small town, Upstate New York (because it is). Every scene involves the actors in various pregnant pauses, as live and/or otherwise, coffee shop music inhabits almost every bit of background noise. Heck, I was waiting for the owner of Starbucks to pop up on screen via some shameless plug. In case y'all didn't know, the biggest roastery reserve in the world does occasionally serve the suds in various locations. 

So yeah, "Brew" stars Kaitlyn Lunardi, James Liddell, and Jeremy Cohen. Now for all intensive purposes, is the film a romcom where the two leads get their googly eyes on and take forever to rendezvous? Sort of but not really (if that makes any sense). And is "Brew" more about the corporate takeover of a business where it's you know, "just business?" Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize. The Christmas Brew has a diegesis where a consultant tries to help purchase a local, ale-making establishment only to later find out that her company plans to turn it into a gas station and/or a quasi, 7-Eleven (ugh). "Sweetheart, I don't think you understand how this racket works". Okay Gordon Gekko, whatevs. "Brew" up. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas in Evergreen 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

MIXED SNOW JOB

TV movie monger Alex Zamm directs 2017's Christmas in Evergreen. And oh yeah, he's done a few other holiday flicks as well (A Christmas Prince, A Royal Christmas). With "Evergreen", Zamm puts Christmastime in the forefront, with every frame looking like a Yuletide postcard or the inside of some gleaming snow globe (I'll get to that later). The late Frank Capra and the late Nora Ephron, well they would be mildly proud if not wincing up in heaven. "That magic, it's all around us". Okay easy there Kris Kringle.

Christmas in Evergreen, yeah it's a slow burn, a paint dryer, devoid of dramatic heft but it still managing to somewhat tickle those warm, winter fuzzy-s. Think Christmassy, think Frankenmuth, Michigan on steroids, think I got to get a steaming cup of hot chocolate poured on my head. Good old British Columbia, Canada, well it substitutes for East Coast Vermont as "Evergreen's" minuscule shooting location. "This is what Xmas is supposed to look like". I guess. Yo, what's up with those artificial, CGI snowflakes? Yikes.  

Starring the likes of Ashley Williams, Teddy Sears, and Barbara Niven (they sure do like to mug to the camera), Christmas in Evergreen lives in a cinematic fantasy land and still manages to include those silly season, plot cliches. I mean there's the girl everyone loves who wants to leave her hometown to find herself (check). There's the single dad she meets that lost his wife a year earlier (check it). Then there's the ending Christmas festival that has to succeed or else the town in question becomes kaput (check yourself before you wreck yourself). Finally there's that big smooch at the end (check mate). Add some fake, atmospheric water vapor (mentioned earlier), a snow globe that grants wishes (also mentioned earlier), and a pseudo Santa that spews knowledge like an annoying Greek chorus and you have a harmless day of festivity flick that's predictable as ugly sweaters near the end of December. "Christmas" tided.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top 10 Holiday Movies of All Time (2024 Reissue)

1. Scrooge 1951 * * * * Stars
    Director: Brian Desmond Hurst
    Rated G
    Cast: Alastair Sim, Jack Warner,
    Kathleen Harrison

The Alpha and Omega of holiday films with Alastair Sim fitting the role of grumpy miser Scrooge like a smooth Isotoner glove. This is the purest and most nostalgic entry of Dicken's classic tale that I can remember. This timeless story was remade countless times but never reached the emotional heights that director Brian Desmond Hurst's 1951 classic did.

2. Catch Me If You Can 2002 * * * * Stars
    Director: Steven Spielberg
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks

Not necessarily a movie made about Christmas but its key scenes take place during that yule tide holiday. Leonardo DiCaprio, as bank forger Frank Abagnale, is in top form. Spielberg's direction is perfect. Overall, this is compulsively watchable stuff.

3. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
    1987 * * * 1/2 Stars
    Director: John Hughes
    Rated R
    Cast: John Candy, Steve Martin

Even though Thanksgiving has come and gone, it doesn't matter. This is still top notch holiday fare with two brilliant comedic actors giving the performances of their lives. Part dramedy, part road trip movie, and totally quotable, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles will make you laugh throughout. It will also leave you with a lump in your throat at the end.

4. Nothing Like the Holidays 2008 * * * Stars
    Director: Alfredo De Villa
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Debra Messing, Freddy Rodriguez,
    Jay Hernandez

Ever since 2009, I make it a habit to watch this film at least three to four times in the month of December. It was shot about 10 miles from where I live, and it's a fine mixture of ensemble comedy and dramatic grievances involving a tight knit Puerto Rican family. They all get together for a bitingly cold Christmas break in Chicago's Humboldt park neighborhood. Very likable cast with every character having their own feasible back story. It's one of those flicks where if you live in Chicago, you say "oh yeah I've been there, I've driven down that street." Very authentic take on the Windy City locales.

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 1989
    * * * Stars
    Director: Jeremiah Chechik
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo

Chevy Chase as bumbling family man Clark W. Griswold, gave his last credible performance in National Lampoon's take on nutty holiday cheer. A lot of gags are taken to the extreme and the scene where he puts Christmas lights on every single inch of his house, is something only his character would ever think of doing. Revolting cousin Eddie (Randy Quiad) shows up halfway in to add to the silliness. All and all, a sloppily made comedy that I initially thought had worn out its welcome. With every subsequent viewing, I changed my mind. A classic!

6. Scrooged 1988 * * * Stars
    Director: Richard Donner
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Bill Murray, Karen Allen

Highly dark and satirical take on Charles Dicken's legendary tale. This time it's set in the 1980's with funnyman Bill Murray giving a quintessential "Bill Murray" type performance. Funny, cynical, with great one liners. Certain scenes however, might be too intense for younger viewers to take. Overall, if you like Murray's smarmy style of delivering dialogue, Scrooged will not disappoint.

7. A Christmas Story 1983 * * * Stars
    Director: Bob Clark
    Rated PG
    Cast: Peter Billingsly, Darren McGavin,
    Melinda Dillon

This is a silly, little comedy that turned into a Christmas cult classic. Peter Billingsly plays Ralphie, a impressionable young boy who only wants a BB gun for his under-the-tree present. A Christmas Story is told from his point of view. With memorable lines and some quirky characters, it's an addictive film you can watch relentlessly. Case in point: on TBS, this thing is shown 24 hours a day on the 24th and 25th of December.


8. A Christmas Carol 1938 * * * Stars
    Director: Edwin L. Marin
    Rating: Not Rated
    Cast: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart

Came before the Alastair Sim version but for some reason, is not as credible in terms of acting, directing, and conviction of the story. Still, it's entertaining enough in a lightweight sort of way. There is actually a color version of this film that is sometimes shown on network television. Overall, good fluff but the ending is short and by the book. It's not as invigorating as 1951's  masterpiece.


9. Just the Way You Are 1984 * * * Stars
    Director: Edouard Molinaro
    Rated PG
    Cast: Kristy McNichol, Kaki Hunter

The main reason why I put this film on the list is that it just reminds me of Christmas in general. It doesn't really involve the holidays, but it was on cable in the 80's and I must have watched it with my parents about a million times. Yes, it involves snow and skiing (in the French Alps), but mainly it's a love story about a woman with a handicapped leg who goes overseas to hide it and find Mr. Right. Honestly, nothing much goes on in this thing. However, it now reminds me of a certain time and place (December of 1985) so I'll just throw it in.


10. Prancer 1989 * * * Stars
      Director: John D. Hancock
      Rated G
      Cast: Sam Elliott, Cloris Leachman

Prancer was filmed about 20 minutes from where I grew up. It's mildly entertaining and it's significant because every time I pass through Three Oaks, MI, I wonder how many of the townspeople own a DVD copy of it. Made over twenty years ago, the small Midwest town just mentioned, hasn't changed a bit. And even if you know that Santa Claus is a hoax, you'll still go along with this fable about a young girl's fascination with a wounded reindeer.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

The Menendez Brothers 2024 * * * Stars

SIBLING RIVALED

2024's The Menendez Brothers is a documentary about those two Menendez bros (Lyle and Erik) who killed their parents in 1989 and have been spending the last 35 years in jail for their heinous crimes. "It was like an incredible soap opera." True dat. 

"Brothers", well it has present-day interviews from Lyle and Erik that seem cerebral if not effete and put on. The flick looks like a solid print however, showing tons of archives intertwined with more accounts from other people too, like the bitter prosecutor, the news writers, jury members, and various Menendez kin. I mean you don't see the actual Menendez boys but you get their voices, all grainy and graveled and well, spent. 

So yeah, The Menendez Brothers as a docu is an enigma, a puzzler if you will. Why? Well I'm age 50 and all I know about these dudes is that they offed their loved ones in cold blood and then got a life sentence 7 years later. I guess I'm now getting some more insight as to why. Was their dad (Jose Menendez) an actual child molester? Did they commit these blood-soaked murders as a form of self-defense? Should they have gotten charged with manslaughter? And did they do it for the inheritance money ($14 mil is um, a lot of moolah)?

Questions questions questions and "Brothers" teeters on the edge of answering them. It's a little bit of Forensic Files, a little Dateline, a whole lot of Netflix, and some timeline remnants of that B-ball swipe called The Last Dance (if you can believe that). Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated (revert back to second paragraph). His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch. Hey, it's been a long, long time "broheim". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Murder on the 13th Floor 2012 * * * Stars

MURDER SHE WROTE

"This robbery has now become a kidnapping". Gee thanks. All I wanted to do was run interference with the woman who was having relations with my other half.   

Anyway don't be fooled by this "floor" show (har har), Murder on the 13th Floor takes no prisoners when it comes to like-mindedness and solace. As a film from 2012 that I never knew existed, "13th Floor" is a trashy, violent, rather futuristic thriller that dares you to embrace the dissonance of it all. Minus some big boy production values, video surveillance monger Zeke Hawkins, and some A-lister-s, it's like something David Fincher or David Ayer would've done on holiday, with a loose budget, on a rough weekend, and with unbound reign. 

"13th Floor", well it's the type of vehicle you would never admit to recommending, kind of like not letting your friends know you dig atomic chicken wings with extra sauce. Come on, own up to it! You embrace the cinematic hurt, it's so good. A rich, snobby businesswoman (Ariana Braxton played well by Jordan Ladd) finds out that her husband is cheating on her. What does she do? Well she keeps up the snobbery, hiring a couple of contract killers to break into her condo and off said hubby's mistress/nanny (Tessa Thompson as Nia Palmer). 

Murder on the 13th Floor is directed by Hanelle M. Culpepper, a TV veteran of stuff like 90210, Criminal Minds, and NBC's Grimm. Culpepper builds tension throughout and at the same time lets you know that "13th Floor" is a rather glossy, merciless consequential soap opera. Just imagine an uncensored, Lifetime endeavor with a pseudo dystopian flavor, some cartoonish barbarity, some remorseless, "Boogeyman" characters, and a side of malice. "How far are you willing to go for what you want?" My thoughts exactly. Three on this "floor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Great Turkey Town Miracle 2023 * Star

BADLY BASTED

The Great Turkey Town Miracle is one of those rare Thanksgiving-themed pics to filter into the silly season. So is it bad? Yeah it's bad, like ketchup and cardboard pizza bad. If it was based on a true story (and I'm pretty sure it wasn't), then the truth has been skewed a little. An aloof, recently fired radio DJ gets hired (for no other reason than to service the plot) to get 4000 turkeys ready for that football-loving, meat-eating epoch in November. Why? So he can provide said turkeys for some needy families and keep his current job in the process. I mean you can't make this stuff up, can you?

So yeah, the radio DJ in question is Connor McCloud and well, he's played by unknown Angus Benfield. On a possible cinematic ego trip, Benfield acts not only as star but producer and would-be helmer as well. Angus bumbles, stumbles, and stutters his way through "Miracle", like a dude looking for his long-lost puppy. I mean why he would have his own main character portrayed as such a sad sack is beyond me. "Talk about dead air". You said it Angus not me.

I'm not finished. Let's look at the overall gauge of "Miracle" shall we. As something that's paced slow enough to make watching paint dry seem reasonable, The Great Turkey Town Miracle has acting in it that is rather brutal, a sort of community theater swipe meant to be kept away from the big screen. Then there's "Miracle's" predictability, its Muzak-style soundtrack that sounds like a girls choir at a school play, its sentimental goo that stretches from here to Katmandu, and its strange, Bible-thumping cast of mind. I mean why attempt to make such a mediocre, holiday version of God's Not Dead? Why? Heck, I was waiting for Reverend Dave to pop out of the woodwork and get his preach on. "Turkey" shot. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley 2024 * * * Stars

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH"

2024's Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is a documentary about Elvis and his eventual, alley-like return to the musical ring circa 1968. "Nobody messes with the King and nobody ever says he's down." Indeed.

"Fall and Rise", well it stars the late Elvis Presley of course along with interviews from the people who were there or could get in his head while peeling it off (Priscilla Presley, Billy Corgan, Conan O'Brien, Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Schilling). The flick, yeah it's a tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter. Heck, he was so darn famous even The Beatles were nervous as all get-out when they eventually met him. 

So here's the thing, "Fall and Rise" is an account about the "King of Rock and Roll" that puts the dude in a more approving light. I mean fans of Elvis will be more reminded of the glory days and not the later years, you know, the obese and drug periods that led to Presley passing on that summer day via August of  '77. Yup, just picture a less dramatic, more sunny, docu version of Baz Luhrmann's Elvis, complete with swipe about Presley's film career and his awkward relationship with his shady manager, Colonel Tom Parker. 

Graceland demises and biographical spectacles begot, "Fall and Rise" while avoiding the whole fan-made and/or tributed tag, is oddly standard in its chronological approach despite being effectively grainy and redolent. Compared to other stuff like the four-star Tina and/or The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, it doesn't exactly set the world on fire. Still, Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is forthright, exposed, and disarmingly diverting. It goes down better than one of Presley's bygone plates of fried chicken coated with potato chips. Give "rise" to. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas Under the Northern Lights 2024 * 1/2 Stars

FOGGED LIGHTS

"Maybe a change in scenery is just what you need to get you unstuck." Sure. Let's go from cold weather to even nippier elements up in the Northwest Territories. Hey, let's all freeze our arses off.

Anyway, in 2024's Christmas Under the Northern Lights there's a lot of Yuletide cheer, a lot of townie lore, and a lot of shameless plugging for that rare wonder that is aurora. Clocking in at just under an hour and a half, "Northern" is sadly all wrapped up into one jejune bow of a movie. 

So yeah, the story of Christmas Under the Northern Lights isn't much, just more Hallmark swipe involving a woman taking time away from her job to go to some faraway place, find herself, meet a scruffy dude, and eventually stay a while. Oh and the flick takes place during the silly season, where the denizens spend most of their time outdoors, surviving sans frostbite and never touching the notion of severe hypothermia. They don't need no stinking beanies, just the sights and sounds of frozen tundra, Mother Earth. 

Christmas Under the Northern Lights, well it stars Jill Wagner as Erin and Jesse Hutch as Trevor. Wagner's Erin is an obsessive writer with enough wordsmith's block to hinder the sun. Hutch's Trevor, well he's a Ben Affleck lookalike, a holiday stalker on creeper alert. Together they are the romantic leads for better or worse, two good-looking people with issues who have nothing to bounce off of except near the end, where they explain in scripted detail why they totally dig each other (cringe). There's the obligatory, concluding smooch (which could've happened 30 minutes in), the incumbent party where everybody gets their slow dance on, and finally those northerly glows, about the only thing exciting in an otherwise conflict-free exercise in mistletoe mishandling. "Northern" blot. 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Move 2024 * * Stars

MOVE ALONG

A rattled, former mother is being terrorized by a psycho killer for reasons unexplored. Oh and said killer injects said, former mom with a serum to paralyze her. The plain to see title for my latest review is 2024's Don't Move. "What did you do to me?" The question is what doesn't he do, to everybody.

So yeah, one character in "Move" says to another character, "are you crazy". Crazy as all get-out. We're talking a family man here by night and a manipulative, murdering loon by day. Don't Move could easily be titled uh, "Get a Move On". Yeesh!

Anyway "Move" was filmed mostly in Bulgaria, a backdrop of mainly forests and lakes that seem straight out of a Friday the 13th vehicle. And despite a few gruesome moments of sudden barbarity and torrid retribution, Don't Move is still a rather unsatisfactory, horror set piece from two unseasoned directors (Brian Netto, Adam Schindler). 

Uh, why you ask? Because Netto and Schindler seem to think they can do a retread of 2020's Alone and critics like me wouldn't notice. Think again boys. Alone is the gold standard for young-women-escaping-deranged-scourge thrillers. "Move", well it sadly lacks Alone's inching tension, assured plot points, and mounds of bullying suspense. I mean it all feels so standard and just because you have a hook of the protagonist getting rendered powerless by the antagonist, doesn't mean the flick is pukka. It just makes it reek of unnecessary discouragement. 

Don't Move stars Finn Wittrock as the poor man's Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Kelsey Asbille as the even poorer woman's Ellen Page (when Ellen Page was Ellen Page). Their performances aren't exactly bad, it's just that their personas are ill-defined in a movie so compact and trivial it might as well be a DVD once delivered in the mail by Netflix (when Netflix started out being Netflix). Busted "move". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Cougar Hunting 2011 * 1/2 Stars

BAD WILL HUNTING

2011's Cougar Hunting is bad, like dumpster-diving for old Chicken McNuggets bad. It's like some director saw American Pie and thought hey, I can successfully deliver the student film/home movie camcorder version of that 90s mating farce. Uh no. "Hunting" isn't really cinema mind you, just a lot of pale mimicry and ribald smoke and mirrors. "You ain't seen nothing yet". Oh but I have my dear, I have.

Cougar Hunting as a title, well if you don't know the slang meaning of it you've probably lived a pretty sheltered life. Cougar by definition, is an older woman seeking a little casual relations from a younger man. And that man is usually all about the Mrs. Robinson. Uh, all I have to say is hiss, purr, mew, growl!

Cougar Hunting, well the rubric pretty much explains itself. Three dolts with enough amorous mentality and tact-free scraps to power a small country, decide to go to Aspen (no pun intended) to pick up some otherwise lonely, aged females. I mean there's a few raunchy, snickering moments of dialogue from said dolts but there's also commonplace, gross poop gags, non-plausible carnal shenanigans, the usual member jokes, and rather mediocre acting all around. 

Note to helmer Robin Blazek (who hasn't made anything since "Hunting" came out): not all the cougar-invested dimes in your flick need to be wearing fur coats. Oh and your three characters (played by Matt Prokop, Randy Wayne, Jared Dauplaise), well they wish they could pick up older sheilas this easily. At least the dudes in American Pie (mentioned earlier) had to actually work for it. Finally, hire a real band to do your soundtrack next time, not some karaoke-loving dude off the street who feels the need to lace his profanity-laden lyrics over a dose of clear-cut Muzak. "Cougar" cheese. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Unfrosted 2024 * 1/2 Stars

TARTLET PANIC

How bad is 2024's Unfrosted? Um, as a sort of befuddled SNL skit and/or pappyshow of veracious events, it's liver and onions bad, cucumber ice cream bad. Unfrosted, well it's a flick about 60s Michigan (Battle Creek to be exact). Two cereal adversaries (Kellogg's and Post) compete against each other to come up with the ultimate breakfast pastry, Pop-Tarts. Unfrosted clocking in at ninety-three minutes, is directed by none other than Jerry Seinfeld, a dude who has been literally under the radar for almost three decades. To quote his megahit TV show, "Oh I got to get on that internet, I'm late on everything". You said it Jerry not me. 

Distributed by Netflix and based loosely on true events (I freaking hope so), Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind. Oh and look for Unfrosted's outtakes and line flubs at the end (or don't). Other than '81's The Cannonball Run, said outtakes usually indicate a lousy movie. "We're about to have some very powerful people very upset". I'm thinking that refers to the suits at Skyview Entertainment (one of Unfrosted's three undefined production companies). 

Now don't get me wrong, helmer Jerry Seinfeld knows where to put the camera, knows how to provide Unfrosted with an especial look (Truman Show meets 1960s nuclear family), and can easily create a sense of time and place (the "Wolverine State" in the midst of Camelot). But why his film is so unfunny, so unwitty, and so incredibly turgid is beyond me. TV's Seinfeld, well it felt like a gazillion years ago. I mean even a bunch of Jerry's buds come in to make cameos (Hugh Grant, Christian Slater, Bill Burr, and Jon Hamm to name a few). Um, did they not bother to see the disastrous Movie 43, you know that other big-cast Razzie fest from ten years back? Guess not. "Frosted" flaky. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

3000 Miles to Graceland 2001 * * * Stars

JAILHOUSE GETS ROCKED

2001's 3000 Miles to Graceland refers to a line from the film. Oh and uh, there's plenty of nods to the late Elvis Presley moreover, whether it be impersonators, ditties, or nostalgic thoughts about that almighty "King".  

"Graceland", well it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, two heavyweights who go mano a mano on each other. One of their characters sadistic, the other rather imperturbable. They both want to leave the country and reclaim over $3 mil from a Las Vegas, casino robbery sort of gone amok. "You ready to play?" Ha, if that was even a question. 

Along with Costner and Russell (who play Michael Zane and Thomas J. Murphy respectfully), 3000 Miles to Graceland has a bunch of known actors who pretty much make pseudo cameos (Ice-T, Christian Slater, Courtney Cox, and Howie Long to name a few). Everyone seems to be doing this swipe for the paycheck but at least they're having fun slumming it. Oh and I almost forgot, Jon Lovitz is in "Graceland" too and he plays a money launderer hanging out at a taxidermy establishment in Idaho. I mean you see it everyday. 

So OK, 3000 Miles to Graceland is the movie equivalent of an abstract painting where everything is thrown at the canvas to see if it sticks. The pic along with being completely outre, is violent, nearly misogynistic, and laced with remorseless, offhanded humor. Director Demian Lichtenstein, well he makes you squirm one minute and then gets your heart fluttering the next. He uses every cinematic trick in the book to film his shootout sequences and yeah, it doesn't hurt that his heavy metal/techno soundtrack fits the rhythms of said sequences perfectly. Full disclosure: I've seen "Graceland" at least 50 times. It's not considered a cult classic but I think it should be. With every viewing, there's more bloody, B-movie mayhem to snicker at, more to nervously enjoy. Going the extra "miles". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Take Care of Maya 2023 * * * Stars

CARE LADEN

"Our family was falling apart". Those are words you never wanna hear, especially when said family member can't walk without a total pang effect. 

Anyway most documentaries show archive footage from an optical standpoint. 2023's Take Care of Maya, well it concentrates on what you don't see, through audio recordings of phone conversations and inmost doctor visits. And uh, the pic doesn't go back too far, just various moments from early 2015 to late 2016. "But they didn't listen". That refers to Maya Kowalski and her devastating illness.

Obviously based on true events (you can't stage this swipe), Take Care of Maya is about 10-year-old Maya and how a trip to the emergency room forced the hospital workers to believe she was becoming a victim of child abuse. Kowalski gets taken from her parents by social services, her mom eventually commits suicide, and she still seems to show signs of (CRPS). That's complex regional pain syndrome, which means swelling, limited range of motion, and/or partial paralysis of virtually all body parts.

Dysautonomic disorders and safe homes aside, Take Care of Maya is directed by Henry Roosevelt in his fifth feature. Distributed by Netflix, "Maya" has Roosevelt fashioning his docu as a downer but a necessary downer, exposing our haphazard medical system and its proverbial coldness as a veritable cry for help. Featuring a sterile and rather numbing look (no pun intended), Take Care of Maya has flashbacks and zoom depositions and doting fathers breaking down. There's no happy ending, no come to realize moment, and no one wins (that includes the baddies wearing those white coats and the parental units they ruined). Basically Take Care of Maya is like a modern-day Forensic Files episode on the come up, stretched out to 103 minutes that hit you like a Mack Truck. Respite "care".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Brothers 2024 * 1/2 Stars

BROTHERS UP IN ARMS

Two twins go on one final heist before retiring via a lifelong wave of crime. Oh and uh, they're not identical twins cause one is 5'10" and the other is under 4 and a half feet. That's the gist of 2024's Brothers, a possible pseudo black comedy with a pseudo, southern-fried sapor. 

So yeah, as "Let Your Love Flow" plays during the trailer of Brothers your ears perk up (I know mine did) and you sense that what's on screen might be a rollicking romp. No such luck. The film fizzles out as you watch it and you realize the bros in Brothers are about as interesting and likable as Brennan Huff and Dale Doback (um, that's not saying much). 

Shot in Hotlanta and starring the likes of Josh Brolin, Marisa Tomei, Glenn Close, and Brendan Fraser (that's two Academy Award winners and two Academy Award nominees y'all), Brothers runs 88 minutes with the barest bones of a plot and some real weedy characterizations. I mean you can hardly call it a movie let alone a collection of situational, farce dailies that somehow snuck into the final cut. "What is wrong with you?". Uh, that's a question only the collaborators of Brothers could answer and I'm not sure they even know. 

So OK, why does Brothers want to trick you into thinking it might be a cult classic wannabe? And what was the point in putting out a flick that was made over 3 years ago? I mean that seems like a red flag to me if you had to shelve Brothers while it collected that proverbial dust. Sure it's got a cast that's game and sure, it's giddily violent while being fairly well-paced. But do we really need extra scenes of grossness complete with a clip of an ape persona smoking a doobie while yearning for sexual advances from Brolin's sad sack family man, Moke Munger (what?)? Didn't think so. "Sibling abused". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Wind Chill 2007 * * Stars

CHILL FACTORED

Two college students embark on a trip to Delaware via a rideshare. It's winter, they're complete blow-ins (or so you think), and they become sidetracked a la a shortcut on some bummed out road. It all goes down like some choked soft drink in 2007's Wind Chill, my latest write-up.

So yeah, one character in "Chill" quips, "are we lost or something?" Something like that, in the middle of nowhere, with damaged car in tote, in the company of temps about to dip to below freezing. Wind Chill, well it seems like a fitting title don't you think?

Anyway "Chill" takes place in snowy Pennsylvania, playing it straight as a thriller until it doesn't, getting all Strangers on us. Minus a standard opening twenty minutes of boy meets girl banality, the film eventually becomes cloaked in supernatural mumbo jumbo, lacking in suspense yet gaining in ennui. First you see some ghosts, then you don't. Sometimes there's a creepy dream sequence, then it's back to spent materiality. Maybe there's a flashback, or maybe it's just a flash in the pan (natch). "They say when you freeze to death, it's just like going to sleep". The sleep part I can attend to.

Wind Chill stars Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes as nameless non-denizens, one miserable, the other kooky and rather stalkerish. As they try to hold out among the specters, the food rationing, the pink elephants, and the frozen tundra, we the viewer sadly experience a psychological slog, an endless exercise in total horror-filled manipulation if you will. I mean it just goes on and on and well, gets more misguided with the Blunt persona surviving with ne'er a scratch on her. Movies, well they shouldn't be exhausting and emptily dapper, they should be entertaining. That's two sheets out of 4 to this "wind". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trouble 2024 * * Stars

WOE

What I learned from 2024's Trouble, is that the filmmakers really need to figure out what their focus is. I mean is this vehicle a comedy, a violent action thriller, or a prison drama. Uh, make up your mind guys and um, next time try not to cast your leads in the future form of a poor man's Isla Fisher and/or a poor man's Zach Braff (if there is such a thing). 

Some bad dubbing here, a split screen or two there, bumbling, Keystone Cops everywhere, some offhanded humor, Trouble is a total mutt of a movie. And it's hard to care about anyone involved when the themes of wrongly convicted murder and imprisonment are presented in such a dispassionate way. I mean after 98 minutes I didn't expect to have seen a burlesque version of something along the lines of say, The Fugitive. "Something is not right". Uh, to the hilt my friend. To the hilt.

So yeah, in Trouble some of the characters wink to the audience (when they shouldn't), some of the gags and jokes flop and die (as they should), and director Jon Holmberg at least uses Stockholm, Sweden decently as a locale (for some reason I thought Trouble took place in Paris but whatever). 

Starring Filip Berg, Amy Deasismont, and Eva Melander, Trouble isn't awful but as a caper with lightning-quick editing and a few surprising red herrings, still manages to evaporate right after you see it. That's probably because it's difficult to believe the actions of an innocent man trying to clear his name by breaking out of prison, breaking back into prison, and parading around Stockholm as if no one would notice he's a felon fresh from the can. Heck, the diegesis of this flick in general is about as plausible as palm trees in North Dakota. "Trouble" spotted. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Airborne 1993 * * Stars

BORNE ILL WILL

"Let it go man". They wish they could. Uh, high school ruffians don't take certain levels of advice so easily, especially when a surfer dude from Cali is honing in on all their female, worldly goods. 

Anyway I've never heard of 1993's Airborne (have you?). But it's amazing what films you can find on YouTube, just browsing the web for that next, wistful write-up. Airborne, well it's like some teenybopper, coming-of-age vehicle, spruced up passably for the Saturday morning crowd who flinched and decided that maybe cartoons needed a short break. You have the main character (Shane McDermott as Mitchell Goosen), forced to go from sunny California to live with his cousin in Cincinnati, Ohio, just so his parents can get their grant work on in Australia for a few months. While in Cincy, Mitchell has to deal with the local high school bullies who can't seem to adapt to his easygoing demeanor, his way with the girlies, and/or his "cool breeze" inclination. "I need traffic, smog, heatwaves". Good luck getting that on a regular basis via The Queen City Mitch. 

So Airborne is a bully movie and well, it's a pretty thin premised one at that. Sans McDermott who gives a pretty decent performance as Rollerblade whiz and smooth, surf monger Goosen, the flick has rather weak characterizations, some ball-bearing production values, some dorky parent personas, and dialogue exchanges that ramp up the squirm factor (pun intended). I mean what were Seth Green and Jack Black thinking, co-starring in swipe that's just too Afternoon Special for its own good. Oh wait, Airborne came out long before their careers started to blossom so thank god for that. Give me Dazed and Confused and 1999's She's All That any day as opposed to the unintentional, situation farce that is Airborne. Off "air". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Doomsday Prophecy 2011 * * * Stars

DEVINATION

"What the heck is going on?" Uh dude, the end of civilization is near as the ground gradually sinks from beneath your feet. Time to contact mass communication even though they might be lying dormant somewhere. 

Anyway, 2011's Doomsday Prophecy is more than just some early 2000s disaster fodder, some Roland Emmerich breadth of view, or some popcorn, disaster movie blockbuster starring Bruce Willis. Yup, "Doomsday" is a thriller with brains, scatter brains for better or worse. You have a scientist and an archaeologist, racing against time to save the world from destruction via earthquakes and other nasty, mother nature shenanigans. They're wanted for murder, they're on the lam, they possess some neoteric rod, and the Feds are um, doing them dirty. "So you're telling me you can see the future now?" Oh yeah, might want to reassess those shades y'all.

Starring the likes of Jewel Staite, Alan Dale, and AJ Buckley and feeling like a product of distributor Syfy (I was right again), "Doomsday" is military and standoffish, the type of flick where it's the doctors vs the Army and/or the government vs the denizens. Director Jason Bourque, well he builds tension inch by inch, providing clips of earthy ruination in bits and bobs that intercut with moments of radical precognition. Sure Doomsday Prophecy is a TV movie but hey, so was Flight 90: Disaster on the Potomac and well, that turned out okay. I mean I dug it. 

Some airbrushed special effects here, a car chase there, some moments of sci-fi mumbo jumbo almost everywhere, Doomsday Prophecy still has a level of poignancy, a level of revelatory cursory. I mean when other TV pics would rather have you lather in the almighty cheese factor, "Doomsday" makes defined Armageddon feel like the thinking person's, think piece Day of Judgement. Un-false "prophet".   

Written by Jesse Burleson

Under Paris 2024 * * * Stars

KNUCKLE UNDER

Most shark movies have an uber-happy ending or fruition moment. They just do. I mean even Jaws had a contented windup (didn't it?). 2024's Under Paris, well it doesn't possess that untroubled trait mind you. It concludes like some lukewarm Twilight Zone episode or a setup for a sequel, telling the audience that the nightmare ain't over yet. "It will be carnage". Oh fo sho. 

So yeah, we've seen these kinds of flicks recycled and reclaimed relentlessly for the past 50 years. Yup, filmmakers always have a need for um, a bigger boat. Whether it's digital video (Open Water), mother nature (Sharknado), or deep cage diving (2017's 47 Meters Down), there's always room for more swipe about long-bodied marine fish salivating to get their kill on. Under Paris, well it's about a deadly shark and her kin hanging out for blood in the rivers of the "City of Light". Hey, you see it every day, like Don Lino chilling in Lake Huron (har har).   

Starring the likes of Berenice Bejo, Nassim Lyes, and Lea Leviant, Under Paris is more of a shark drama than a shark horror fest. I mean sure there's some barbarity with monster, shark attack payoffs in the second and third act (pun intended). But for much of "Under's" 101-minute runtime you rarely see the darn thing, like Hitchcockian stints on overload. 

Director Xavier Gens, well he helms Under Paris as if he's giving the viewer a slick action thriller a la VOD. It also appears like he's occasionally fashioning a pseudo talkie with decent acting, nice French locales, and some nice, Seine river tracking shots. Hey, don't fret though, the whole shebang is worth recommending anyway. Just grab a beer, a slice of gooey 'za, and become infested, I mean invested in the genre tonic that is Under Paris. Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche 2021 * * * 1/2 Stars

BURIED TREASURED

"It was snowing sideways". I can only imagine what that entails. The heavy stuff falls rapidly and devastates a ski resort via northeast California in 2021's Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche. Seven people passed, one survivor emerged, PTSD eventually kicks in, the base area destroyed. In the end natural forces as a house always wins.

With honest interviews and a shrewdness from those interviewees that were there (center employees, lift operators, local denizens, local media), "Buried" is a wounding documentary that just gets more wounding as it goes along. I mean you watch the body language of the people that witnessed what went down in March of 1982 and well, the events of that famous avalanche really stick in their craws. For reals. Almost forty years later and a nudge and that throb just never goes away. "The grim work went on". Uh-huh.

Arduous accounts, unconscious gesturing, and unwounded time aside, Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche cuts its time between present day stuff to emulsion-like archives to reenactments to sequences of loud music pouncing in at weird moments (rock ditties, standard and/or otherwise). Despite an opening thirty minutes that carries a certain smugness, a "young and free" turn of mind, and an overload of bed surface technobabble, "Buried" does eventually win you over. Yup, the flick's 96 minutes finally come to a close and you feel cinematically bone-weary. 

I mean the docu has a certain edge to it, a certain numbing severity if you will, with the parables of death and suffering by rocks and ice being almost too intense for a younger viewer to handle (the film is not rated but I'd go with a hard "R"). Heck, in the spring Lake Tahoe wasn't all roses and sunshine. Talk about the snow squall to end all snow squalls. "Buried" is alive!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Transformers One 2024 * * * Stars

"ONE SHALL STAND, ONE SHALL FALL!"

Transformers One is a prequel to the prequel to the prequel to 2007's Transformers (that's a lot of prequels). Heck, you get to find out how Optimus Prime became Optimus Prime and Megatron became well, Megatron. You also get a taste of how three dimensional-y Industrial Light & Magic can stir you. Finally, you realize that Cybertron riffed its look off of Blade Runner, the planet Coruscant, and um, The Fifth Element. "Autobots, roll out". Literally.

Transformers One is voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, Chris Hemsworth, and Scarlett Johansson. That means no Mark Wahlberg, no Shia LaBeouf, and no Josh Duhamel this time around (how refreshing). "One" is also directed by 2nd-timer Josh Cooley, a dude who fashions something that seems midway between live-animated action, a shooter video game, and well, live action. I mean throw out the Anaglyphs cause you might not need them for "One" is pure, canvased eye candy. 

That's not all my Hasbro-loving friends. Name a battle, any battle in any Transformers flick and Transformers One will match it frame by frame. Just add the aspect of Dystopia and heightened, visual reality and "One" is unlike any Transformers vehicle you've ever laid eyes upon. I mean kids will love its cartoon-like humor, its Saturday morning anime feel, and its Tom and Jerry-inspired ferocity. Adults, well they'll be treated to an actual story and not some disjointed, 165-minute blot with Kelsey Grammer playing the rogue heavy ("One's" running time is a breezy hour-and-a-half-plus). 

Note to Transformers enthusiasts (like myself): don't go into Transformers One expecting it to reinvent the wheel via every previous installment dating back 17 years ago. Just think of "One" as a new genre unto itself, as the film feels like it's unintentionally pulling off the aspect of interpolated rotoscope. You know, animators tracing over original footage silly! Mellin "transform". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

247 F 2011 * * * Stars

THIRD DEGREE

2011's 247 F has to do with temperature, hot-arse temperature. The "F" stands for Fahrenheit and the "247", well it's the type of warmth that will melt your face off. 247 F fashions itself in the tradition of stuff like Open Water 2: Adrift and 4x4 and 2023's Inside, movies where someone (or some bodies) are trapped in an ocean or an SUV or a luxurious abode. It's psychological thrills in the simplest, most ready-made form, as 247 F has its characters confined to a sauna because some drunk idiot blocked the door. "To good times." Um, are you sure about that pal? Might wanna hold back on the toast.

247 F stars recent scream queen Scout Taylor-Compton, Travis Van Winkle, and Tyler Mane. It is directed by Levan Bakhia and Beqa Jguburia. As helmers, Levan and Beqa build the situation (college kids bogart a rental on May Day), use the barest bones of a plot (revert back to first paragraph), and let their actors emote when faced with sweating their tails off via an imprisoned steam room. You get to learn what really causes heat stroke (your body stops trying to cool itself off, ugh), you get the full dossier on why boyfriend/girlfriend relationships fail (make-up sex ain't all that), and you realize why claustrophobia is not only reserved for caves, closets, and coffins. "Why not make it hotter than it already is". Uh no, no thanks my impassioned millennial.

A twist here, a turn there, hot molten sauna stones everywhere, 247 F is effective in its ability to be lucid, to just let the most unexacting horrors play out. No ghosts, no demons, no psycho killer, just a brain persona, a princess persona, and a would-be heroine trying to survive the pre-summer night as they refresh their bodies in reverse, yeesh! Convective "heat". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Drive Thru 2007 * * * Stars

GOOD BURGER

2007's Drive Thru feels like a movie you'd see at a "drive-in" theater, complete with projection booth, concession stand, significant other to make out with, and picnic table. Is that a good or bad thing? Um, you could go either way with your gauging as a viewer. I mean most horror films qualify as drive-ins true to form anyway. At least that's what IMDb thinks when you look up their top 100 list.  

So yeah, with blood-spattering violence of the animated, grindhouse kind, Drive Thru makes you think twice about getting on the intercom and ordering that 4th meal at good old Taco Bell. I mean here we have a vehicle about a masked, killer clown, terrorizing some high school kids at a fast-food greasy spoon. No rhyme, no reason, no Five Nights at Freddy's spur, just the fact that he's ticked off and can really snap to it when chasing his victims. "What would you like to order today?" Sorry pal, I'm gonna go home and microwave a frozen pie instead.

Projecting itself as an updated, assembly-lined version of Scream complete with a villain named Horny the Clown who's an updated, assembly-lined version of Ghostface, Drive Thru doesn't take itself too seriously because well, it's about served facilities of the double cheeseburger sort, not non-blinking, Hannibal Lecter types fresh off the funny farm.  

Heck, the whole flick is pure camp, with stereotyped, rude characters played by Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley, and Nicholas D'Agosto complimenting the even ruder Horny (voiced by Van De La Plante). Yup, one moment you're squirming at Drive Thru's zany gruesomeness and red food dye overload, the next moment you're laughing at the relentless gibing, the absurdity of it all. Bottom line: Drive Thru is worth at least one trip to the "so bad it's good", cinematic pickup window. Acquired "motor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Destination: Infestation 2007 * 1/2 Stars

TERMINUS 

What I learned from 2007's Destination: Infestation, is that it's a thread of Snakes on a Plane from one year earlier. Just call it "Ants on a Plane" as YouTube would say. It's just too bad ants aren't quite as scary as snakes. I mean maybe they are but the film sure doesn't project it as such. "Captain we have a situation in the cabin". You don't say.

Anyway here's the gist with "Destination": a plane flying to the states from Columbia, gets invested with bullet ants whose sting will probably kill ya or make you feel some serious pain. It's up to a confident Sky Marshall and an entomologist to hopefully save the day.

So yeah, here's the problem with Destination: Infestation, it tries to update a certain 2006 vehicle only to come off as a less tighter version of something like Outbreak (complete with a probable, Operation Clean Sweep ending). I mean I blame the clunky editing, the annoying, cliched established characters, and the killer ants themselves. They may sound nasty and look clear-sighted but that's about it. "They're everywhere". Are they though? Are you sure?

"Destination" is directed by George Mendeluk, a dude who needed a better sifter of final content to secure his creature feature, direct-to-video vision. I mean here you have scenes between the ant attacks that slow to a creep, deflating the dramatic momentum like filler or dailies from the cutting room floor. Uh, that's not good for a movie merely 89 minutes long. Then there's the personas of Destination: Infestation who exhibit campy acting and vexing dispositions. It's never a good thing when you root for the evil insects to end these personas instead of the other way around. Finally there's those ants, those wishy-washy ants, only showing up when they feel the need to alpha dog the situation. Come on guys, do you want to harm the humans, forgather for kicks and giggles, or just chew up the fiber optic wires of the craft? Make up your darn minds. And um, no water breaks and/or timeouts in between. For reals.

All in all, Destination: Infestation stars Jessalyn Gilsig, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Serge Houde, actors you don't hear much of anymore. They probably should have fired their agents after this swipe but it's obvious they remained loyal as salivated mongrels. "Destination" bad sign. 

Written by Jesse Burleson