Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare 2023 * * * 1/2 Stars

TRIAL BY ORDEAL

"There was a deep concern that the youth of America was taking a wrong turn." According to 2023's Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, that refers to the 1980s and all its big mane glory. That's funny. I always thought it was the 70s in which kids were at their most ungovernable. Netflix, it seems you've stumped me again.

With interviews that feel earned from people who were there (angry minors, law enforcement, attorneys) and grainy archives that give off the whiff of creeped out remembrance, "Hell Camp" is a documentary that never hits a false note, and that's despite its need to push the bourn of bad taste. I mean young-un-s forced to hike in 100-degree, Utah heat without the use of toilet paper and/or access to water is pretty bad. "You know, what do you do?" That's a good question. I mean what do you do.

Unbearable hotness and historical contexts begot, Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare is a haunting vehicle about a haunting guy (the late Steve Cartisano), whose stock footage probing lingers long after the closing credits come up. So yeah, Steve made a ton of moolah running a therapy wilderness camp, where troubled teens were kidnapped, taken to a faraway place, and made to do manual labor (amongst other things that were indecorous). 

TV director Liza Williams, well she looks like a seasoned pro in regards to "Hell Camp", interspersing late, "decade of decadence" clips with present day accounts, all the while pandering to the rhythms of Tom Ryan's heady musical score. Watching Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, you realize that Williams is trying like all hell to achieve an end (pun intended). I mean this is a true story that needed to be told and you painfully wonder why it took 30 darn years to tell it. Atheists "nightmare". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Reagan 2024 * * * Stars

HONEY, I FORGOT TO DUCK

Somewhere between Oliver Stone's W. and Adam McKay's 2018 vehicle Vice, lies Reagan, a biopic that's not as dialogue-driven as the former and less spoof-like than the latter. Reagan, well it's about Ronald Reagan (duh), the 40th prez of the United States and a former actor to boot. Told in one 135-minute flashback sequence through the eyes and ears of fictional KGB agent Viktor Petrovich (played by Jon Voight, acting like Jon Voight but with a Russian accent), Reagan chronicles Ronny's life chronologically, from his childhood to his stint in Tinseltown to his presidency to his horse riding retirement. "Get in the game, run for office". Oh you betcha.

Reagan is directed by Sean McNamara, a thirty-year-plus veteran of stuff anywhere between fantasy comedies (Casper Meets Wendy) to biographical dramas (Soul Surfer) to last year's On a Wing and a Prayer. I mean you could say a lot about Sean's films but you could never reveal that they're boring. McNamara injects Reagan with a lot of energy and a sense of urgency as he whisks you from one historical set piece to the next. Instead of piling on the schmaltz and possible sentimental sludge, helmer McNamara fashions Reagan into a rather hard-nosed drama (pun intended) with a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation. Check out the insertion of the music video "Land of Confusion" and you'll see what I mean. 

Now you're probably wondering who plays Ronald Reagan and well, I'm gonna tell ya. It's Dennis Quaid don't you know and this might be one of the best performances of his career (along with '79's bicycle flick, Breaking Away). Quaid looks like Ron from the profile side and on occasion, gets the mannerisms and facial expressions just right. Heck, he winks to audience but in a good way, as most of his line readings of speeches and soliloquies crackle while running wild. He is supported effectively by a cast of knowns (Voight mentioned earlier, Robert Davi, Kevin Dillon, C. Thomas Howell) playing anyone from film exec Jack Warner to Leonid Brezhnev to Republican Caspar Weinberger. In the hands of another filmmaker, Reagan might come off as a snoozing slog, maybe a wiki page entry with bad, paint-drying sensibilities. With Sean McNamara however, you have capable, lightning-quick editing, solid, crisp cinematography, and stylish, montage clips of good old Dutch getting his trouper on. A win for this "Gipper". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Killer Bees 2002 * * 1/2 Stars

"NOT THE BEES!"

"We have a suspect". So says a coroner talking about some nasty insects that sting and kill. They frequently inhabit the small town of Sumas in 2002's Killer Bees. 

Watching "Bees", you realize it's a B-movie (pun intended), featuring the perfect casting of C. Thomas Howell who is the king of late night cable endeavors and you guessed it, B-movies (also pun intended). Howell plays Sheriff Lyndon Harris, a good-natured cat who tries to warn the citizens of Washington's honey haven (and their toupee Mayor) from the nectar-feeding danger that's coming. I mean it's like you're watching Jaws on the low, with said Sheriff acting like the leisurely version of chief Brody. "I've been stung once, but it ain't gonna happen again". Yeah you tell 'em Ponyboy. 

Made as a TV flick, with probably a shoestring budget and what looks like Syfy Channel special effects, Killer Bees doesn't take itself seriously until it has to. That basically means it's burlesque shenanigans mixed with almost horrific bee-attacking sequences that literally blur the lines of bad taste. One minute you're squirming, the next minute you're chuckling and snorting. Yup, the quirky characters in "Bees" include a deputy Dewey type, a bully, "Buddy" Repperton type, and Doug Abrahams channeling his inner Larry Vaughn, poo-poohing the nastiness of the killer bees and what they'll do to a bunch of harmless denizens at a local fair. "We can't shut down because of one man's craze bee foray". Yeah you keep telling yourself that pal.

So yeah, I can't quite recommend Killer Bees. Why you ask? Because it's one of those, "in the cards" films where the protagonists barely get harmed by the pollen-crazed creatures and the antagonists (and goofy dolts) get killed and/or urticated on a dime. Bottom line: Killer Bees may kind of feel like a pseudo, drive-in classic with a little Velveeta in tote. But hey, this ain't 70s cinema people, and the heralded, "Master of Horror" is surely not behind this wheel. Mixed "bees" kneed. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Perfect Assistant 2008 * * * Stars

UM, NOBODY'S PERFECT

2008's The Perfect Assistant is probably the most reserved Lifetime flick that ever came down the pike. I mean I'm not saying it's ineffective but director Douglas Jackson would rather douse you in the art of character study and take his time as opposed to just rolling out the thriller schlock. "There's a lot of stuff here that doesn't make sense". Sure it does. Look closer silly wabbit! 

Starring Josie Davis, Rachel Hunter, and Chris Potter, "Perfect Assistant" starts from I suppose, the middle and builds tension inch by careful inch. So yeah, it's not a violent Lifetime endeavor nor does it go over the top but its quiet tone and "I'm God's lonely man" (or in this case woman) air gives you the delicate willies. 

Josie Davis, a veteran of TV and film, plays "Perfect Assistant's" lead in Rachel Partson, an administrative PA who becomes obsessed with her boss to the point where she'll do anything (including murder and manipulation) to eventually marry him one day. 

Davis, well she creates the Rachel persona from the ground up, so when the final confrontation occurs as she's toting a gat at a restaurant, you feel her dejection and cray cray heartache. Josie's Rachel is easy on the eyes but a sad sack, a girl who talks to herself, lives with an irksome roommate, and readily thumbs her way into everyone's beeswax. So OK, you don't see Rachel doing a lot of offing in "Perfect Assistant" but it's what you don't discern or imagine she did in the past that will make your blood curdle. I mean at one point in the pic she says that both of her parents are dead. You wonder if good old "Rach" had a hand in that partaking. Ugh. 

In hindsight, The Perfect Assistant is not trashy, Lifetime Network flare nor does it possess any type of style or modus operandi. Its strength lies in putting Davis in almost every frame, as her creeper plight alone feels like an eldritch, first-person narrative. Cared "assistant". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Gone in 60 Seconds 1974 * * * Stars

PEDAL TO THE METAL

"Sometimes when you steal a car you get more than you bargain for". Oh fo sho. I mean sometimes you get a movie out of the whole shebang. And uh, sometimes you get a car chase that's its own separate entity, clocking in at about 40 minutes. Crazy town. 

So yeah, 1974's Gone in 60 Seconds is the original Gone in 60 Seconds, only to be later remade into a more commercialized, Nic Cage vehicle of the same title (pun intended). "Gone", well it takes place in Long Beach, California, amidst the Southern Cali smog and seedy, Southern Cali underbelly. The gist: a drug lord pays a car thief and his merry men to steal 48 cars in 5 days. Seems easy right? Wrong. The fuzz is on the prowl and they'll do whatever it takes to thwart the mighty operation. "I should have read my horoscope this morning". Yeah you should have pal, before trying to lift that Ford Mustang named "Eleanor".

Starring H. B. Halicki, Marion Busia, and George Cole (never heard of these guys, have you?), Gone in 60 Seconds is the ultimate "Me' Decade" pic, a supposed drive-in mainstay warts and all. Possibly the inspiration for the Beastie Boys music vid "Sabotage" (possibly), "Gone" is 70s Cheese Whiz I tell you, with director Halicki giving us something the late William Friedkin would've done had he made The French Connection into a low budget porn flick minus a little "ooh la la". 

Gene Hackman thrillers and processed sauces aside, "Gone" has got poor dubbing with a little tongue-in-cheek added. It also has goofball, wooden acting that seems rather appropriate for all the automobile theft shenanigans going down. Then there's "Gone's" choppy editing with zooms and car crash continuity errors gone aplenty. Finally, Gone in 60 Seconds has a modernized musical score from Ronald Halicki and Philip Kachaturian that sort of supplies a breezy, wound up intensity. Heck, it all seems to come together despite a few defects (har har), giving the audience member a screw loose classic speaker systems everywhere still probably salivate over. "Seconds" in command!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trap 2024 * 1/2 Stars

WASTE TRAP

"I feel out of control". So says Josh Hartnett's Cooper, the would-be psycho killer from 2024's Trap. Hartnett, well he plays Coop a little over the top, almost to the point of self-parody. One I guess basically flew over the Cooper's nest. Natch.

So yeah, Trap is another M. Night Shyamalan concoction, full of endless closeups, hobbledehoy rules, eye-rolling self-cameos, and pseudo, Spielbergian moments. I mean ever since Night brought the house down a la The Sixth Sense, he's made about 13 more films with maybe two of them worth embracing (Signs, Split). Shyamalan, well he constantly seems like a mixture of Steven Spielberg and Alfred Hitchcock. The problem is that Spielberg and Hitchcock are everyone's favorite sons while Night is the misbegotten stepchild, looking for some starved attention.

Shot with a budget of $30 million, saddled with a neutered, PG-13 rating, and featuring a supporting role played by Hayley Mills (yes that Hayley Mills from The Parent Trap), Trap is like the first flick from Shyamalan I can remember that didn't have his true, signature twist at the end. I mean the movie is all so cut and dried as it's devoid of any real apprehension, intrigue, or mystery. What's on screen, well it's the antithesis of everything the "Master of Suspense", and it's about as predictable as six months of total darkness in Alaska. 

Trap's gist: a serial murderer goes with his daughter to a concert where a poor man's Rihanna is singing (that would be Lady Raven, played by M. Night's daughter Seleka Shyamalan). Guess what, the concert is a setup to try and find the bad guy as he eventually exits an arena of I guess 19-20 thousand people. Security and cops and backdoor limos and blocked entrances oh my! M. Night Shyamalan tries to hit a home run with Trap's "there for the taking" picture painting but ends up fouling off into the stands. Adding four or five extra endings in which Cooper escapes is not innovative, it's just Night's desperate way of filling his weakened, 105-minute running time. Boob "trapped". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Alien: Romulus 2024 * * * Stars

ACIDIC

Alien: Romulus is a nasty, eye candy-filled movie, a pile of grossness you can't look away from. Its story, well it's an interquel I tell you, a gap between Alien and '86's Aliens. You have these young space colonists, somewhat misfits if you will, venture to an unknown spacecraft looking for stasis chambers to get them to another, better planet. I bet you can't guess what happens next. I'm kidding. I mean why do we go to these Alien franchised flicks in the first place? We go to see those unpleasant facehuggers and xenomorphs get their proverbial kill on. "Should be in and out in thirty minutes." Uh-huh, yeah whatever.

Now is Alien: Romulus a chartered, Alien greatest hits collection like the other critics have been saying? Well yeah, everything minus an actual, working space crew aboard the big-arse vessel. I mean let's look at the evidence shall we: there's a chestburster homage to the original installment from 1979 (check). There's an underwater alien homage to Alien: Resurrection (check on). There's that Engineer persona homage to good old Prometheus (check mark). Finally, there's a POV, tracking shot homage to Alien 3 (checkmate). "Whatever comes, we'll face it together". You ain't kidding boss. You ain't kidding. 

John Hurt hurting and albino humanoids aside, Alien Romulus is clearly not archetypal but it's got a lot of energy and keyed up suspense to boot. Starring the likes of unknowns Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, and Spike Fearn, "Romulus" is sci-fi potluck, somewhat disjointed, somewhat ceaseless, but never boring. I mean it might lack James Cameron's knack for fixed in the mind characters and it may hinder Ridley Scott's reveling in having the viewer feel a million miles a way from home ("in space, no one can hear you scream"). Oh well. "Romulus" is worth a watch anyway, and it actually has that grainy, dirtied-up look and feel of something that was released in the early-to-mid-80s (revert back to first paragraph). Resident "alien". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Abyss 2023 * * Stars

NOT INTO THIS ABYSS

"We have to evacuate". Yeah you do. Sinkholes, earthquakes, tremors, and extended breaks oh my! The late Charlton Heston called and well, he says he wants his open chest hair back. 

Anyway 2023's The Abyss has nothing to do with a certain sci-fi flick from 1989. Bible. I mean they share the same title but one movie is underwater fodder with stop frame animation while the other is an art film disaster pic, slow-burned, slowly build-ed up, and slogged about. "Just stay calm". Yeah whatever. I'm calm and more stultified than anything else. Ugh.

So yeah, what do drawn-out sequences of fault line collapses, parodied sandbox descending-s, and laughable rock fracture clips do for you? Not much on my end and that's why I can't embrace The Abyss and its penchant for reveling in the self-fulfilling prophecies of people getting into life-threatening situations via a small, sinking Scandinavian town. "Heck, I can't swim, so you know what, I stay out of the darn pool". Words to live by boss. Words to live by.   

"Abyss", well it stars Tuva Novotny, Peter Franzen, and Kardo Razzazi, unknown actors who exhibit stiff line readings, a pouting demeanor, and the unfortunate snag of being poorly dubbed. I mean you want them to survive (kind of) but at the same time, they come off as cliched, periled characters, making bad acumen and saying stuff like "we've got to get out of here" or "we've got to go". And then, well The Abyss concludes a la a nice neat bow, with the town of Kiruna, Sweden no longer going under and everybody seemingly pulling through (except for one doltish daddy). It's like the producers and TV/video monger Richard Holm ran out of wiggle room and decided to cave in, giving "Abyss" its Waterloo, Hallmark ending.  Mixed "chasm". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

One Fast Move 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

FAST TALK

"I wanna race". Yeah of course you do. So does Carroll Shelby and his merry men.

Anyway One Fast Move is "one" promising film until it sort of deflates at the end (no pun intended). I mean where is the come-to-Jesus moment? And what's with the wishy-washy actions of the female love interest forgiving her roughneck man so quickly? And uh, why not go back and check up on injured dad instead of finishing a time trial that's one of many via the future? These are questions mind you and with One Fast Move, they shouldn't really exist, at least not in the last ten minutes. "When can I get my bike back". Um, easy there big guy. 

A motorcycle contest here, a make whoopee scene there, a Harry & Son moment between actors KJ Apa and Eric Dane, One Fast Move is about fathers and lads and girlfriends and deadly, corner drag racing. Yeah it's kind of like Days of Thunder but with a stern chip on its shoulder. Tom Cruise called and well, he says he wants his Alpinestars gloves and Persol 200 sunglasses back. Natch. 

Cole Trickle pics and premium fuel intakes aside, One Fast Move isn't a bad flick, just a mixed, regretful one. I mean the script is feasible, a concoction of stuff good old Harry Hogge would say ("rubbing son, is racing"). And then there's the fast-paced, POV racing sequences (shot intermittently), the solid moments of goodly emoting, and some raw performances from the troupers (Dane kind of kills it as alcoholic, estranged daddy Dean Miller). The only problem is that One Fast Move's journey is much more heightened than its destination of blase, checkered flag ticks. It's like crossing the cinematic finish line with only two people giving you the proverbial rally. Not so "fast". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Good Nurse 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

CARE LADEN

"He's been killing people, without ever touching them". Uh, that doesn't sound creepy at all. Anyone reminded of a voodoo doll, or an effigy? Ugh. 

Anyway 2022's The Good Nurse has been designated by its wiki page as a thriller. I mean I wouldn't go that far considering a thriller has to you know, thrill. "Nurse's" story, well it's a true one, played out in par for the course, mundane fashion. It's something about a caregiver who was accused of killing a ton of hospital patients without any known motive (what?). Eddie Redmayne stars as said caregiver Charlie Cullen and gives a rather numbing, unsettled performance. Jessica Chastain, well she matches him as protagonist Amy Loughren, a colleague nurse who tries to whistle-blow Charlie for his deadly shenanigans in the good old infirmary. "Yeah, her death, it was sudden". Right O chap. Right O.

Distributed by Netflix with random musical score interludes by Biosphere (never heard of these guys before, have you?), The Good Nurse has Danish helmer Tobias Lindholm letting every scene play out in frame as opposed to just freewheeling and/or hotdogging with the camera. His look is darkly-lit, his shots mostly wide-s and/or close-ups, his characters cold and indifferent. Yeah Lindholm can direct but seems hellbent on not beguiling his audience. His "Nurse" feels like David Fincher fare but sadly minus any enigma or uh, power to rivet. 

Take heed though because The Good Nurse has solid acting and a decent psychobabble, medicine man script, even if sometimes you the viewer feel the need to throw things at the screen via the flick's glacial pace and overt, lack of suspense. I mean if you wanna be sent away with your knees knocking well "Nurse" probably won't get the job done. I don't know, maybe the similar-themed Coma from 1978 will. Common "good". 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Tarot 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

SOLDIER OF FORTUNE

2024's Tarot is operative as a horror film. I mean it's not scary enough to be a classic but it's not too systematic to travel into self-parody either. Tarot's story, well it's as old as dirt. Don't mess with someone else's fortune telling and don't venture where you don't belong. If you do you'll get the hose again (har har). But seriously folks, I went into Tarot with the lowest of expectations, a snicker if you will. Sometimes that can be a rather effective, cinematic half-pie. Natch.

Made on a budget of $8 million and being rather successful at the box office (I never even knew it got released), Tarot reminds you of stuff like Final Destination, Scream, and even A Nightmare on Elm Street. Yeah helmers Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg were obviously doing their homework and well, even copying off of other people's notepads (it's manifest). 

Tarot's motifs are as follows: a group of seven friends have to figure out who among them is the would-be killer (check). That same group of friends also have to realize that maybe an otherwise snarky demon might be doing the actual killing (check it). The same group of buds get picked off one by one in rather cowinkdink fashion (check the technique). Finally, there are different ways in which these seven millennials are prone to biting that proverbial dust (Czechoslovakia!). "Paging Jimmy Wong, Jimmy Wong". 

Early 2000s death knells aside, Tarot stars Harriet Slater, Adain Bradley, and Jacob Batalon, actors who are typical horror flick tropes, making typically bad, horror flick decisions (don't ever climb a ladder into an attic after hearing weird sounds in said attic, ever!). The film, well it's well-directed, well-paced, and the storytelling of confidants unleashing an evil entity via some old-arse playing, stiff papers is in a word, adequate. Howbeit, although Tarot's ending will probably have you doing the old SMH take heed, there have been worse journeys. Drawing "card". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Old Dads 2023 * * * Stars

OLDBOYS

 

2023's Old Dads is a real car accident of a movie, a sometimes mischance you can't look away from. I mean you could call it comedy (that's its M.O.) but there's also some embittered, dramatic scarring to deal with. The runtime is 104 minutes, the humor is as dry as sandpaper, and the setting is suburbia LA. "Change happens faster than when you were young". Oh fo sho. 

Directed by veteran funnyman Bill Burr and released by Netflix in October of last year, Old Dads is about what it says it is, a raw character study of three best buds who become fathers later in life than expected. Burr (he plays Jack Kelly) is the Greek chorus dad, the anchor of all things middle aging. He's loose-lipped and angry and perturbed, possibly on the verge of self-reproach. The other dads that hang with him (Bobby Cannavale as Connor Brody, Bokeem Woodbine as Mike Richards) are quite the hoot as well, man-children with zero filter and testy dispositions in tote. "But I'd do anything for my kid". Again fo sho.

Old Dads, well it paints the three daddy-o-s as coarse goofs while their attractive wives kind of lounge in the background, getting their SMH's on. The film, yeah it's basically a series of intense confrontations between husbands and wives and girlfriends and just about anybody with two legs and a heartbeat. Burr is obviously in his element here, sort of playing himself as helmer and trouper while fashioning a one up, acting showcase for tidy effect. His direction is adequate if not disjointed, but what counts is how plain-spoken and blunt his Old Dads is. I mean just imagine a PTA meeting where everyone is inebriated and ready to go after the ill-protected. This thin-skinned critic found the whole ordeal rather fascinating. Not so same "old" same "old".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Twisters 2024 * * Stars

TWISTERS THE NIGHT AWAY

2024's Twisters is one of those movies that's put out at the perfect time, for the warmest season crowd, to make a ton of money at the almighty box office. In other words, it has succeeded (second week worldwide total stands at over $220 mil). So um, why am I hesitating in recommending Twisters? And why are sequels always prone to make you long for the originals? And uh, where's Van Halen's "Humans Being" when you need it? These are questions and I plan on answering them. "If you feel it, chase it." Uh, not quite there big guy.

Anyway, the trailer for Twisters got me really pumped so yeah, I took the bait. And that's considering the litter of summer-themed flicks is real slim pickings this year. I know I know, good trailer bad movie, I should know better. I mean Twisters isn't awful but it lacks the feverish pace and popcorn feel of the first Twister from '96. And hey, the special effects aren't a stepping stone here either. 28 years ago those F5 tornadoes looked scarier than all get out. With Twisters, every destructive vortex is headed for a path of doom but also comes with a collective sigh. It's like Amblin Entertainment forgot to advance its technology via the past three decades. "Some times the old ways are better than the new". Yep-a-dep-a-rooni. 

Filmed mainly in Oklahoma (makes sense), using what looks like one set location for the majority of the tornado chases (yup, it's that obvious), and getting the audience to believe that "Auntie Em, it's a twister!" moments happen every darn day (uh, not!), Twisters is an uneven mix of hard-hitting drama, corny, techy script readings, and impractical action sequences set to some bad country music (revert back to first paragraph). 

Twisters, well it stars Daisy Edgar-Jones as Kate Carter and Glen Powell as Tyler Owens, two cyclone wranglers who collide and form some pseudo, platonic relationship. One gives a solid performance (that would be Edgar-Jones) while the other becomes a distraction in his own movie, like the Marlboro Man who happens to just wander on set while offering up some sort of sneering advice. If that doesn't seem outre to you then you haven't viewed Twisters yet. "Funnel clouded". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Skywalkers: A Love Story 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

SKY HOOK

Skywalkers: A Love Story is one of those movies where you say to yourself, "how the heck did they film that?" I mean was the director even there? Or was it found footage? Or did the subjects involved just have cameras attached to their noggins? Seriously this is pretty jaw-dropping stuff, something about a couple of lovebirds (Angela Nikolau, Ivan Beerkus) who form a romantic relationship scaling the roofs of the highest skyscrapers in the world. "Now we were more than just daredevils". Ah, you don't say.

So yeah, why am I about to not fully recommend "Skywalkers" even after that animated first paragraph? Well for one, what Angela and Ivan did was illegal and no matter how talented they may be at rooftopping, they were putting their lives at risk and well, breaking the law. And again speaking of Angela and Ivan, well they aren't the most likable participants in a documentary. Entitled, preoccupied with themselves, nearly defiant, yada yada yada. Those are the words I would use to describe these borderline, whiny millennials. I mean you want them to ditch the attitude, get a real job, and not tick off the boys in blue (another word for the rooftop po-po).

So what's left for Skywalkers: A Love Story? Well it has beautiful cinematography, shiny production values, a Richard Linklater approach to its shooting schedule (that means it was filmed over a period of more than five years), and good old Netflix on its side (that was a joke people). Basically you have a well-made docu that like the more superior Fall (from 2022), presents itself as a cinematic car accident. I mean even if you are afraid of heights (and I am), you just can't look away from the sheer drops you are witnessing. It's just too bad you hesitate in rooting for the people doing the swarming up. "Love" in a mist. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Blame the Game 2024 * 1/2 Stars

NO SKIN IN THIS GAME

TV slash occasional movie helmer Marco Petry directs 2024's Blame the Game. And in regard to "Game", Marco includes some off dubbing and a few locales that appear to be somewhere in urban Germany. "Dude, it's just a game night, what could go wrong?" Are we talking about the film here or some ill at ease, entertainment potluck?

Anyway Blame the Game (originally titled Spieleabend) sort of reminded me of a 2018 flick with Jason Batemen and Rachel McAdams called Game Night. I stress the "sort of reminded" part. "Game" lacks Game Night's element of agog and deadpan sense of dry humor. I mean Bateman and McAdams trying to avoid kidnappers and gangsters is a heck of a lot more interesting than a bunch of cliched millennials sitting around playing good old Trivial Pursuit. 

So yeah, with Blame the Game director Petry fashions something with gags and characterizations straight from the annals of the early to mid-2000s. A man and a woman have a courting process (check). Their dogs become friendly with each other (check it). The same man and woman engage in the horizontal hokey pokey (check please). The same woman invites the man to a game night where he is judged and frowned upon by the woman's D-bag friends (including the ex, gut check). Finally, forced chaos and tension ensue with the addition of a dolt-like, next door neighbor persona who just happens to love hunting wild boar (checkmate).  

I mean think about it, "Game" is all so trite and hackneyed, and the only thing that saves it from being a total turkey is the somewhat pseudo chemistry of the leads in German actor Dennis Mojen (he plays Jan) and actress Janina Uhse (she plays the fetching Pia). They are rather appealing but sadly they're surrounding by a pedestrian, blowhard of a movie, where there just has to be scenes with some blotto fool running from a lion in an exhibit and some weirdo, compeer character caught inverted in a fishing net (never viewed that swipe before). No-hit "game". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Boneyard 2024 * * Stars

BARE BONE

Starring Mel Gibson (sort of), Curtis Jackson, and Brian Van Holt, 2024's Boneyard is one of those video on demand movies, where you watch it and realize it will never see the light of day via a high-end theater. That's not to say that it's awful but it does have Mel attached, and ever since the media caught whiff of Gibson's nasty phone calls to his bae more than a decade ago, well it's been streaming city for Mr. Riggs and his mighty mettle. 

Anyway Boneyard is directed by unknown Asif Akbar, a dude who's ambitious from the get-go but forgot to hire a capable editor and/or script supervisor to sift through this litter of a crime thriller. I mean Boneyard has a ton of subplots, lots of main and side characters that wander in, trite unnecessary camera angles, middling acting, and an ending that leaves the viewer sort of scratching their collective heads. Gibson's persona (FBI agent Petrovick), well he's barely in Boneyard, as he enters the film periodically like some long-lost puppy who's scheduled for feeding time. 

Note to producers: if you're gonna put "mad Mel" on a poster front and center, well you might wanna include him in a few more scenes and not fashion his kooky dick guise as purely actor filler. "You were looking for the boogeyman, instead focus on the regular guy just hiding in plain sight". We hear you Mel. Believe me we hear you.

Top billing, under-utilized trouper insertions aside, Boneyard's gist is as follows: a police officer and a member of the FBI try to find a psycho killer who loves to bury his skeletal remains in the realms of some remote, New Mexico desert. By the way, I got that description from Boneyard's vehicle wiki page. Otherwise I wouldn't fully be able to discern what the heck I was watching on the almighty Prime. Scrap "yard". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Family Affair 2024 * 1/2 Stars

"YOU CAN'T CRY 'CAUSE YOU'LL LOOK BROKE DOWN"

2024's A Family Affair makes a little sense as a title. I mean if the word "family" is wholly defined as "like family" then yeah, why not. 

Anyway I've seen many romcoms in my day, and they all seem dated and passe because they use tropes of stuff that came before them. With A Family Affair, you have a younger dude (Zac Efron as movie star Chris Cole) getting with an older woman (Nicole Kidman as writer Brooke Harwood). And Cole's assistant (Joey King as Zara Ford), well she just happens to be the offspring of Brooke. And oh yeah, the whole shebang is connected to the ins and outs of glib "Hollyweird". I mean if I wanted to see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon again, I'd see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon (again). Yeesh!

So yeah, A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three people who'd probably be better off avoiding each other. I mean you've got the self-absorbed star trouper (Efron, who's perfectly cast here), the easily exploited author (Kidman's Brooke), and the whiny, underling daughter (King's Zara). They all have issues and well, with Carrie Solomon's cringe-inducing script inserted their scenes are a pretty rough watch. Oh I almost forgot, seeing Kidman and Efron's characters smooch in front of the statutory, Gary Marshall-prompted backdrop was like was watching some mortified, spin-the-bottle swipe. Again yeesh!

Now for kicks-and-giggles, did I hate A Family Affair? No. I mean movies are pretty hard to make and well, hate seems like too strong of a word to label anything. But did I dislike A Family Affair? Oh you darn Tootin. When two personas are wishy-washy about regularly hooking up and the twentysomething third wheel is even more wishy-washy about letting them consummate their passing ships interconnection, well that makes for a very injudicious viewing experience. Not all in this "family".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

On the Line 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

LINE OF DESCENT

2022's On the Line is directed by mostly TV guy, Romuald Boulanger. As a film about a shock jock who gets tormented by a psycho caller looking to kill his whole family, "Line" shows that Boulanger had a vision and that vision was to make an inferior version of 2021's The Guilty coupled with a better version of Oliver Stone's Talk Radio. Oh and helmer Boulanger also thought he'd throw in an ending to On the Line that was similar to David Fincher's thriller The Game. Uh, did you get all that?

Anyway "Line" takes place LA, with pretty much one set location and claustrophobic mischief to boot. Yeah it's a compact flick, starting off lean and mean with a solidly tense musical score from Clement Perin and first hour tightness that would make Antoine Fuqua sort of golf clap in the background. On the Line's star, well it's Mel Gibson as radio monger Elvis Cooney and for the most part, Mel's performance is fairly hyper and disciplined (in a good way). Gibson, well you don't see him much in theaters anymore but he's still appearing in any ready-made streaming service (take your pick). He's you know, hanging around cause the dude's got "alligator blood". Natch. 

So yeah, On the Line has decent acting, clean editing, and director Boulanger with limited holdings, trying to somewhat keep you guessing (until he doesn't). Now do I plan on recommending "Line?" Uh, not quite. The film would work better if it was more straightforward, a sort of stagecraft showcase for Gibson in the whole, "mild-mannered family man goes rogue in order to protect his brood" genre. Instead, On the Line adds root out twist upon root out twist near the end, trying to readily get its M. Night on. I mean it's like the Elvis character and any sense of dramatic momentum has left the building (pun intended). Dropped "line".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

"EVERYBODY WANTS INTO THE CROWDED LINE"

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is about as lustrous a sequel as I've seen in many a moon. I mean the film looks like a million bucks ($150 million to be exact). 90210, well it appears like it got a makeover, shiny and gleaming with the vivid sun just beating down. So yeah, here's "Axel F's" gist: Axel Foley's daughter's life is in danger, Axel's bud Billy Rosewood has been kidnapped, and there's drug cartel/dirty cop stuff going on too. Yup, just another reason for Detroit's favorite dick to find his way back to the "Garden Spot of World". "This isn't my first time in Beverly Hills". You don't say.

So OK, where would I rank "Axel F" in the Beverly Hills Cop canon? Well, it's a heck of a lot better than Beverly Hills Cop III (yup, I've seen that abomination). Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F brings in yet a third new director for the fourth flick in the franchise, Australian Mark Molloy. Molloy, well he's sloppy staging shootout sequences but happily bleeds nostalgia like a gash wound, using songs from the first two installments while bringing back all the old characters and similar plotlines (Axel gets arrested again, Axel manipulates various situations, Axel revels in citywide damage). "Axel F", well it sometimes gives you the warm fuzz fuzzies from what went down almost 40 years ago. It's just a little more modernized, not quite as funny, and not quite as biting.

All in all, Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is not as bad as I expected it to be (go back to second paragraph). And star Eddie Murphy, well he's more over the top than ever (actually I did expect that). The film definitely feels like a Beverly Hills Cop endeavor but its shortcomings are that it parodies the whole Beverly Hills Cop shtick rather than encircling it. Beverly Hills Cop I and II had a certain trenchancy to them, a grand style and some ripeness. "Axel F" just feels more like the lampooned, Kidz Bop version. "Cop" minus a half.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Quiet Place: Day One 2024 * * * Stars

"BE VEWY VEWY QUIET"

2024's A Quiet Place: Day One is lean and mean, a prequel to the original to the sequel. It's a blueprint vehicle mind you, made to be an obligatory prelude to something else, something maybe more elaborate and pulsing in the repugnant alien department. The runtime is short, there's danger readily around the corner, and with "Day One" I was getting some serious post-COVID vibes. "Shh". Oh you know it brother. 

Directed by the unseasoned yet polished Michael Sarnoski and starring Lupita Nyong'o of 12 Years a Slave fame, A Quiet Place: Day One is about just what it says it is. I mean it's day one of the invasion in NYC where if you make a peep, those pesky, spider-like critters will get cha. Speaking of said critters, well they really snap to it, stampeding, howling, and climbing up city walls with total aplomb. "Day One's" CGI, yeah it's obviously evident yet very well done, as the images of bloodthirsty Death Angels look cloaked into the screen, keeping it real. 

A Quiet Place: Day One, well it's hardly original, borrowing its depopulated look from World War Z and its morbidly nasty concept from The Descent (another flick about creepy crawlers who rely on faint sound to hunt humans). Oh well. Helmer Sarnoski gives "Day One" that compact, efficacious treatment anyway, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil. 

Yup, there's about three scenes in "Day One" that have ample buildup and provide barbarous, monster payoffs (pun intended). I mean the actors featured (Nyong'o, Joseph Quinn, Alex Wolff) don't exactly give Laurence Olivier-like performances but whatever, it's nearly a silent film after all, with three-dimensional conceptualizations of post-apocalyptic dread that are literally on the come up. Pride of "place". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star 2023 * * 1/2 Stars

"I WANT THE TRUTH!"

2023's Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is not so much a documentary as it is an A&E Biography special sort of lapsing into syndication. I mean I'm not saying that's a bad thing but why announce it as an actual release when it could easily qualify as boob tube filler via 6 PM on a Tuesday.  

With "The Last Movie Star", you have a timeline of Cruise's permanence of a career, the highs and the mid-lows all sort of pasted together and on the fly. I mean why is he so able to easily play Ethan Hunt over the span of nearly thirty years? And why would he fire his manager who just happens to be his own sister by blood? And uh, what's up with his fascination with Scientology and his yearn to plunge into the almighty meltdown (Oprah's couch ring a bell?)? 

Yeah Tommy boy is a pretty interesting guy, and Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is pretty juicy stuff. The production values, well they ain't much and the propped up interviews, well they're from people I've never heard of (except for critic Richard Roeper, but no captions regardless). The particulars regarding Cruise's metier journey however, are raw and honest. And the archives of him in Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and/or Risky Business mode, are evocative and longing for the past of glorious 80s/90s pop cinema. 

Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star, well it puts "the cruiser" in equal parts negative and positive lighting. And while we see him show up periodically in the flick, he's mysteriously not there in probing to defend himself via his own delineation. Oh well. At 75 breezy minutes, "The Last Movie Star" is worth at least one watch if you're a Cruise fanboy or someone who didn't know every tidbit about his meteoric rise in the meaty cesspool of "Hollyweird". Operatic "star". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Bikeriders 2023 * * Stars

WHEEZY RIDER

2023's The Bikeriders is one of those down-and-dirty movies. I mean the musty smell of a bar, the scented drag of a ciggy, and the gasoline intake from a large chopper cloak you as you walk out of the theater. The pseudo true story of "Bikeriders", well it's about the lives of a motorcycle club called the Vandals and what went down with them from 1965 to 1973. The setting is Middle America, the inspiration akin to '53's The Wild One. "This is our family forever." Oh fo-sho.

So yeah, "Bikeriders" doesn't have much of a story arc just as Goodfellas didn't have much of a story arc (critics have been comparing the two films lately). Goodfellas, well it hits you a little harder and resonates more from an emotive, Mob standpoint. The Bikeriders, well it's paltry and bare bones, never having a true reason for being while never creating any memorable and/or likable characters. I mean sure star Austin Butler has a smoldering screen presence and sure, co-star Tom Hardy disappears into his role like vapor. But come on now, these guys just ride bikes, peel off, grunt, and act stout, never making The Bikeriders more than merely trivial stuff. De Niro and Ray Liotta they surely ain't. 

Scorsese earthy crime dramas begot, "Bikeriders" is based on a book of the same name and helmed by a guy known for ditching the funny (Arkansas native Jeff Nichols). Nichols, well his direction is more style here than anything else. I mean he knows where to put the camera, his sense of time and place is rich, and his actors are loyal to him (just ask Michael Shannon). But with The Bikeriders, he mostly missteps, giving the audience member a rinse, repeat of grubby men smoking, drinking, knifing, getting into sudden bursts of graphic violence, and occasionally burning rubber on their Harleys (I stress the word occasionally). Yup, it just goes on and on with no end in sight, as the thin diegesis of "Bikeriders" runs out of propane wiggle room real fast. Free "rider" problem.

Written by Jesse Burleson

St. Elmo's Fire 1985 * 1/2 Stars

CEASE THIS FIRE

1985's St. Elmo's Fire is no great shakes, like sitting through a quilting seminar is no great shakes. Remember The Big Chill and The Deer Hunter? Those lifelong friends endeavors? Well those pics came out in '83 and '78 respectively. Years later we got St. Elmo's Fire, The Big Chill for paupers and/or have-not-s. Here we have a bunch of pseudo, recent college graduates (from Georgetown not Michigan) who are still very close and are trying to come to grips with early adulthood. Sigh. These people chain smoke, drink, do coke, sleep with each other, hang out at the local watering hole, and ogle at the camera as if to subjugate that they're actually doing some effective acting. "It ain't easy being me". You don't say Andrew McCarthy.

St. Elmo's Fire, well it's one of those movies that shows if you have a well-known cast, you don't always translate that into greatness. I mean sure "Fire" was a modest box office hit but who wouldn't be curious about seeing something with Rob Lowe, McCarthy (mentioned earlier), Judd Nelson, Mare Winningham, and Demi Moore attached to it. Basically St. Elmo's Fire was the Brat Pack flick, the quintessential Brat Pack flick, with the indelible images of those Brat Packer-s and their faces plastered onto the fusty frames forever. Too bad "Fire's" late, baby boomer script only looked good in production meetings and it's clunky editing goes down as smooth as the rut of extra coarse sandpaper. Hey um, image isn't everything people.  

Early twenties movie stars and script supervisor firings aside, St. Elmo's Fire was directed by the late schlock-meister Joel Schumacher, a guy who never met a genre he didn't want to impede (remember Batman & Robin? Ugh). Schumacher's style in "Fire" is all over the place, an unnecessary tracking shot here, a wide there, clips that look like they're shot on a soundstage and not an actual location, a forlorn attempt to imitate the great Robert Altman. It's all a sort of young adult faux pas, with "Fire's" popular soundtrack pouncing in on almost every scene, as if it needed to be there no matter what. "Do you ever feel like you're not accomplishing anything at all?" You said it Mare, not me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Brats 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

"SOLDIER ON, ONLY YOU CAN DO WHAT MUST BE DONE"

2024's Brats takes you back to a simpler time. You know, the early 80s, the early "Greed decade". I mean this is a documentary that revels in the past, not being able to let go of some adverse article written 39 years ago about some young, rising actors. The guide of Brats, well it's veteran trouper Andrew McCarthy, the dude that starred in Pretty in Pink and Less than Zero and 1983's Class. "I've never talked to anybody about what that was like". You are now Andrew, for reals. 

Now if you're my age (close to 50), you definitely know what I'm talking about in reference to Brats. I'm talking about the Brat Pack, those movie stars that appeared in a bunch of flicks about young people in coming-of-age mode. Remember St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, and Oxford Blues? Yeah me too. They had Brat Pack people in them like McCarthy, Rob Lowe, Judd Nelson, Alley Sheedy, and Molly Ringwald. 

Decades later, McCarthy has decided to make a shuffled film about the legendary Brat Pack, burning both ends of the candle as director, producer, and unequivocal Greek chorus. Yup, it's a little strange to see what Andrew McCarthy is like in real-life, as he nervously seeks out former "Pack" members while trudging around Brats like he's some Woody Allen caricature via Annie Hall. 

Andrew, well he's obviously a little neurotic, and it's a little disconcerting that he fashions Brats as a therapy session for him or an exorcism of his Brat Pack demons if you will. If Brats were more an extensive account of the Brat Pack legacy and not a platform to facilitate McCarthy's boredom by bringing back the dead and buried, well I think the docu would work a little better. Regardless, Brats is ambitious and well-shot, giving the audience member grainy, 1980s archives, an effective sense of the camera peeking in, and perspicacious interviews from the people who were there and didn't make the cut, floundering in the Brat Pack trenches (Timothy Hutton, Lea Thompson, and Jon Cryer to name a few). "Pack" a slight punch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem 2024 * * Stars

SOCIAL INJUSTICE

2024's The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem represents a bunch of teens, hovered around their computers, hunkered down in their basements, and creating online memes meant to I suppose, skew real-life situational outcomes. A meme by definition, well it's an image, video, or piece of text that is copied and/or spread by Internet users. So yeah, you see a lot of these so-called memes throughout "Antisocial Network" yet they're on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet. I mean at least give the viewer a sense of coherency and/or interconnection with each passing beam or likeness. "There was definitely a lot of stuff that was... super edgy." Jeez, you could've fooled me. 

Some smug interviews here, some recent archives there, Donald Trump nearly everywhere, The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem splashes onto the screen with a ton of Pokemon colors, remnants of The Lawnmower Man, and some Anime-style animation. Yeah it all looks great but uh, where's the story? And what exactly did these Microsoft nerds do, as they ate their Cheetos and didn't leave from their lower ground floor for weeks? As a documentary, "Antisocial Network" contains a lot of techie info that unfortunately seems edited into a jumbled mess. Instead of having said info spoonfed to the audience member, it just sits there in the cinematic tidy bowl, getting soggy. "You didn't want the party to stop". Are you sure about that big guy?

Cheesy snacks and sci-fi horror aside, The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem does two things that a docu should never do, give a platform for Internet young-ins who don't deserve it and then try to make you root for those same young-ins who should otherwise be looking for a real job and not sponging off the esse of others. I mean maybe these computer savants contributed to the outcomes of the 2016 United States election and/or the January 6 US Capital Attack, maybe not. Man, I don't even have a tenet. Stub "network".   

Written by Jesse Burleson

14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible 2021 * * * Stars

LONGS PEAK

2021 had The Alpinist but it also has another movie about mountaineers. Yeah I'm talking about 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible, a documentary about a dude (Nirmal Purja) whose chief goal in record time, is to climb the summits of the world's 14 highest peaks. We're talking stuff like K2 and Mount Everest, yeesh! Now do you think Purja and Marc Andre Leclerc ran into each other or crossed paths when all this was going down? Maybe, maybe not. Heck, they're both manful regardless, looking for that adrenaline like the adrenaline junkies they are. 

So OK, do I think "14 Peaks" feels rather predictable, staged, and only to be expected? Uh yeah, it kind of has to be. Otherwise the film would be titled "12 Peaks" or um, "Almost 14". And do I think the pic's subject (Purja) is rather cocksure and self-serving in the way he goes about his business? Of course. Again it kind of has to be this way. I mean confidence is key when you're standing almost 9,000 m above sea level with only an oxygen mask to keep you grinning. "If I can stay alive, I can do this". Yeah you tell 'em Nirmal.

Distributed by Netflix, featuring interviews from legendary climber Reinhold Messner, and shot primarily in Nepal, 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible takes its formalized mantra and churns out a rather streamlined and numbing docu about mountainous Mother Earth and its horrific beauty. Kudos goes out to Chris Alstrin, whose striking cinematography has every frame of the Himalayas looking like it could be captured onto a portrait. Kudos also goes out to Nainita Desai, whose pitch-perfect musical score signifies a sense of deafening danger coming right around the corner. Yeah with "14 Peaks", almost everything is possible, even if you know in advance that Purja is gonna eventually reach his ascending, "Waterloo". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

How to Rob a Bank 2024 * * * 1/2 Stars

BANK ON

"Everyone on the floor". So says the late bank robber Scott Scurlock, a dude who robbed a ton of financial establishments in Seattle, Washington via the early to mid 90s. Hey Scott, I never did hear about you but now I'm getting a full education. Prosthetic facial features, a 9mm handgun, the nickname of "Hollywood", a nearly non-violent disposition. Netflix, well you finally sparked my interest, finally.

With interviews that stick from people who were there (the FBI, bank tellers, the po-po) and archives of Scurlock that will surely haunt your vested psyche (Scott's ghostly presence lingers long after his 1996 suicide), 2024's How to Rob a Bank is a documentary that is entertaining enough to make you feel like you're watching pure fiction (when you're obviously not). I mean when the subject at hand was obviously inspired by the antics of Heat and 1991's Point Break, well you feel like Scott is Bodhi and Neil McCauley on their collective high horses. "How does he just slip away like that?" Heck if I know.

Crime pics and voices of the dead begot, How to Rob a Bank moves at breakneck speed and gets away with reenactments and animation that would make other docu flicks seem pretentious by comparison. I mean why did Scott decide to involve his bewildered friends who were non-criminals by trade? And why did Scottie boy give some of the money from his robberies to his other buds who were in financial straits? And why did Scurlock get kicked out of school when he was a semester short of graduating while eventually becoming a medical doctor? These are questions and they seem interpreted as Scurlock's own method of wallowing in his cesspool of enigma. I'll bite. How to Rob a Bank is still one of the best pieces of redolent prose to come out this year. "Bank" on it.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Bionic 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

BIONIC WOMEN

2024's Bionic is maybe the only film I've ever seen that had to do with bionics. I mean I've never viewed TV's The Bionic Woman so um, there you go. Bionic, well it's farsighted sci-fi, made with just enough futuristic gadgetry and prescience that it doesn't completely overwhelm you. The story, yeah it's about two sisters who have prosthetic legs, vying against each other to compete in the famed Paralympics. In order to keep their sponsors however, said sisters have to partake in a life of crime and some strong-arm tactics. "I want to enter the game". Yeah you do. 

So OK, Bionic is slick and glitzy, a flick that minus a few updated gags, probably could have been released in the late 90s. Nevertheless, it's a visionary work made by a director who obviously did some previous homework (Brazilian Afonso Poyart). A little Blade Runner here, a little Strange Days, a little splash of Neill Blomkamp, a smidgen of Gareth Edwards. I mean Poyart is obviously a fan of all things speculative fiction. So uh, what does he do to add to the furor? Well he combines sports with violence and meanie malefactors, kind of the same way 1991's Point Break did it with surfing, The Last Boy Scout did it with NFL football, and Drop Zone did it with skydiving. "Every victory demands sacrifice". Yeah it does.   

Aping of ultramodern cinema, shafts of light, and Johnny Utah-s aside, Bionic is worth at least one showing for its solid intentions of trying not to be just another crapper in the $3.99 bin a la Best Buy. Objectives begot, you just have to get past the occasional bad dubbing, the cartoon-like acting, the erratic editing, and the shallow characters who are as cold as perhaps the science fiction world is itself. By "artificial" means. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Beverly Hills Cop II 1987 * * * Stars

SPEED COP

Beverly Hills Cop II is about as sequel as sequels can get. But hey, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I mean if you liked Beverly Hills Cop circa 1984, you're probably gonna like "II" cause well, it's basically the same movie. Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley again goes back to Cali from his Detective gig in Detroit, wisecracking and gun-toting his way into solving another case. In the first Beverly Hills Cop, Axel investigates an art dealer turned drug dealer. In Beverly Hills Cop II, Foley investigates an arms dealer turned robbery architect. "Would you lighten up and take some risks". Exactly.  

So OK, would I rank Beverly Hills Cop over Beverly Hills Cop II? Probably but as a follow-up, "II" holds its own, following the same blueprint as the first film but adding a little more flash and panache. Whereas the first flick's director (Martin Brest) opted for a slower pace and more concentration on a juicier screenplay ("Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window!"), the late Tony Scott takes over the reins in "II", providing the audience with his signature fast tempo, scorched look, and glaring close-ups. The violence is louder, the lighting is harder, and LA is much smoggier this time around. "Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using the force". Oh Eddie you slay me, you really do.

All in all, Beverly Hills Cop II has all the familiar cast members back (Paul Reiser, Murphy, John Ashton, Judge Reinhold), slipping into their fuzz roles like old, comfortable shoes. And the soundtrack like with the first "Cop" is tops, bringing back righteous ditties by The Pointer Sisters and good old synth monger, Harold Faltermeyer. So yeah, I suppose the only reason to not dig Beverly Hills Cop II is to believe it's worse because the initial Beverly Hills Cop came first. Get over it cause despite "II's" need to revel in all things facsimile, this "Cop" still "rocks". Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 1985 * * 1/2 Stars

HALF DOME

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is about as visionary a film as you can get. I mean it may not make it to the revisited big screen but there it is, a third installment in the Mad Max franchise that revels in dusty landscapes and mucky, grubby caricatures, all bent on fulfilling their arid, dystopian requisites. "Thunderdome's" story, well it's a murky one, something about a place called "Bartertown", where Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson of course) has to show off his "mad" fighting skills in order to impress "Bartertown's" ruler (Aunty Entity played by Tina Turner) to get supplies for his future endeavors. "Two men enter, one man leaves". Yeah you go Tina!

So OK, where would I rank Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in the Mad Max canon? Probably in the middle I guess. Just like in the most recent Mad Max flick (Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga), director George Miller decides to venture into the world of storytelling. Um, that's not his strong suit mind you. Miller is the master of stunt work, the guy who can create "birds in flight" action sequences with almost no CGI. With "Thunderdome", he provides this action but probably needed a better editor, someone to sift out the droppings of the slogging second act, where Max is befriended by a bunch of grubby kids inhabiting an oasis called "Planet Erf" (what?). This second act, well it zaps Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome's momentum, preventing it from having any real, suspenseful heft by the time the final chase commences (and you know there's gonna be a final chase). "I can feel it, the dice are rolling". Are you sure about that bro? Are you?

All in all, "Thunderdome" is not a total loss. I mean see it for Tina Turner's molten screen presence and her hit ditty during the closing credits. See it for the always reliable Gibson, who despite being less "mad" this time around, fits the antihero role like a pair of worn out slippers. Finally, see it for George Miller's inspiration, all funked up for the punk crowd literally strung out, and on the outs. Like 1979's Alien is to Star Wars, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is to well, Star Wars. Just take out everything pristine and unspoiled in this sci-fi sphere. "Beyond" control.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

BETWEEN THUNDERDOME 

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is a dusty, fiery saturation of a movie, by which you watch it on the big screen, admiring its sizable canvas. "Furiosa's" story, well it's a prequel to Mad Max: Fury Road, chronicling the character of Imperator Furiosa (played by Anya Taylor-Joy). So yeah, "Mad Max" the persona is not in "Furiosa" and well, why would he be. I mean you're still gonna get that post-apocalyptic flavor, in spades and up your steampunk-ed gut. "Ladies and gentlemen-s, start your engines". Oh fo sho. 

Now is Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga one long action reel like "Fury Road" back in good old 2015? Uh not quite. "Furiosa" is more plot-driven and that might be its downfall. With choppy editing and an even choppier narrative concerning Imperator Furiosa's origins/childhood, Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is a bit of a slog to sit through, giving the audience a little road rage action and respirator masks in fits and starts. Heck, it's all so rather anti-climatic and nomadic. I mean a bare-bones digesis might have suited things a little better. "Oh, what a day... what a lovely day!" If you say so brother. 

Gasoline-smelling War Rig chases and dystopian soap opera antics aside, the best reason to see "Furiosa" is George Miller's style of directing. Yup, movies like Waterworld, Death Race 2050, and even Doomsday wouldn't exist without stunt monger Miller, as he churns out funky, nasty worlds with funky, nasty characters all leather-clad and reeking of petrol. George Miller, well he adapts handily with these Mad Max pics, going from late 70s filmmaking to present day stuff, basically shooting the same flick over and over again but adding a little more CGI and some three-dimensional camerawork. It's just too bad his Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is surprisingly a downer when it could have easily blown the roof off any screaming Pursuit Special. "Saga" novel. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wages of Fear 2024 * * * Stars

FEAR FACTORED 

There are many people who might not know the actors in 2024's The Wages of Fear (I happen to be one of them). Franck Gastambide, Alban Lenoir, Alka Matewa, and Ana Giradot. Heard of them? Yeah well me neither. Anyway they star in a burnished slow burner, the type of flick that takes its time before it really gets going. "You have just 24 hours to put out the fire". Ouch, better get going. 

"Fear", well it has good intentions and does its utmost to make them stick. I mean watching the opening credits I thought I was expecting something straight from the annals of Brian A. Miller, all oiled and empty and cheapened without ample cognition. Thank gosh I was wrong. The Wages of Fear is a more palatable vision of what Miller might've concocted some 8-10 years ago. No Bruce Willis, no Jason Patric, and no Thomas Jane this time around. Um, full steam ahead as they say. 

Filmed in Morocco, distributed by Netflix, and showing the audience the type of pic Guy Pearce and Jessica Chastain would've done had they been hard up for that almighty paycheck, "Fear" is about a bunch of mercenaries who drive across a desert to deliver nitroglycerin while eventually trying to prevent a life-threatening explosion from killing a small town.   

Yeah "Fear" is all slick and violent and dangerous, the way 10-year director Julien Leclercq intended. Heck, he commits to every shot, building tension and disorder in fits and starts. So OK, ignore the bad dubbing (it's obviously an overseas movie), ignore the wooden acting by the poor man's Will Forte (Sofiane Zermani), ignore the fake, CGI fire but hey, embrace The Wages of Fear's canvased cinematography of dusty Northern Africa. Trust me, just take a whiff at what I deem to be The Road Warrior meets 2015's Sicario. Maximum "wages".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Saint of Second Chances 2023 * * 1/2 Stars

FAIR CHANCE

There are many people who don't know Mike Veeck (myself included). Um, where's his wiki page? Yeah it's nonexistent. Mike is the son of the late Chicago White Sox owner Bill Veeck. You know, the guy who brought a little person to home plate, made his players wear shorts, and was the innovator of the explosive scoreboard. Their account is told through the swift and refreshing lens of 2023's The Saint of Second Chances. 

"Second Chances", well it's more about Mike than it is Bill. It really is. I mean I was caught off guard. Hey I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it makes the whole viewing experience kind of one-sided, an uneven torch passing if you will. Could it be that Bill Veeck has been dead since 1986 and his offspring just had to get in the limelight, to right the wrong from his Disco Demolition Night miscalculation?  Maybe. Mike has dabbled in the eclectic ownership of Minor League teams for over forty years, vowing to get back to the majors with Bill Murray and Daryl Strawberry support in tote. "It could not fail". Yeah you go get 'em Mikey.

Filmed with grainy archive footage and distributed by Netflix (there's a shocker), The Saint of Second Chances is disjointed in its approach, painting itself as less a documentary and more a ninety-three minute vindication, avoiding the notion of obviousness (that's not always a red flag). Mike Veeck's personal and professional life, well it's on full display here, whisking you from one set piece to the next as it gives the viewer meager time to breathe. Go with it if you're pastime junkie-d. I mean if you're a White Sox fan (I've lived in Chi-town for 21 years so yeah) then it's worth at least one watch. Split "second". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story 2004 * * 1/2 Stars

MICHELLE, MA BELLE

2004's Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story is one of those movies that had to inspire Lifelock or Experian (or maybe it was the other way around). "Identity Theft's" story, well it's a true one, taking place in Denver, Colorado where new homeowner Michelle Brown (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) gets her identity stolen after handing over credit card numbers and other stuff to kooky rental clerk Connie Volkos (played with cocksure and lazy eye discipline by Annabella Sciorra). "You cancelled all your cards right?" Uh yeah, of course I did. What do you think I am, stupid?

So OK, why does Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story become so lean and mean in the first two acts only to descend into being some PSA, message flick that eventually gets robbed of having any dramatic momentum or inching tightness? And why does "Identity Theft" end up being preachy when its protagonist Michelle could have served up Connie a dish that's as cold as the frozen tundra (I'm talking revenge here people)? And why oh why oh why, does Michelle's boyfriend (Justin played by Jason London) act like nothing is wrong and tells Michelle she needn't worry about cray cray Karen-s too much? Heck, you'd think he was the darn villain for crying out loud. Yeesh! 

Those are good questions and well, I'm not sure director Robert Dornhelm would be willing to answer them. I mean I could email the dude but nah, screw it.

Public Service Announcements, mundane partners, and retaliation aside, Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story is the equivalent to a horror pic sans gore, in which one person is so relentless in ruining another person's life that they actually want to become them too. Ugh. Too bad scenes of long-term guidance, not needed manipulation, and sappy self-righteousness forcefully get in the way. Not so grand "theft". Sigh. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Across the Tracks 1990 * * * 1/2 Stars

ON THE RIGHT TRACK

Projecting itself as a sort of Vision Quest for the track world, where Brad Pitt is a more agitated Louden Swain, Garon Grigsby is a more kinder Brian Shute, and Carrie Snoggress is the female version of Larry Swain, 1990's Across the Tracks is a heavy-handed drama set in the more seedy areas of good old Shaker Town (that would be Los Angeles, CA). "No you will never be better than me at anything". You tell 'em Brad. Hey watch the Brad run like the wind. Run Pitt-ster run!

Directed by an unknown (Sandy Tung) and featuring track and field, dolly shots that are just fancy enough to suffice, Across the Tracks has Joe Maloney (Pitt) and Billy Maloney (played by Rick Schroder) as brothers/middle distance runners who compete against each other via rival high schools. Joe is the good bro, the firstborn, the dude trying to keep the whole household together. Billy is the troublemaker, the black sheep if you will, a guy trying to turn his life around after he realizes he has mad skills in the half-mile. Both are very different from each other and their brotherly love (and loyalties) get blurred through the other's drug use, theft, and veritable peer pressure. "Then how come I'm running the race today Joe?" Ah the irony. 

Never released in theaters (or maybe it was) and distributed by California Pictures (makes sense), Across the Tracks doesn't overwhelm you from a sports aspect. Nah, it would rather concentrate on family emotions and coming-of-age, character-driven slants, making the film the most heightened, rough around the edges Afternoon Special that's not an actual Afternoon Special. Pitt and Schroder, well they give raw, disciplined performances and after this flick Brad Pitt ascended to A-list stardom while Rick Schroder became um, Costco boy. Oh well. The presence of these two on screen will still be forever frozen in time. "Across" this board.  

Written by Jesse Burleson