Skywalkers: A Love Story 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

SKY HOOK

Skywalkers: A Love Story is one of those movies where you say to yourself, "how the heck did they film that?" I mean was the director even there? Or was it found footage? Or did the subjects involved just have cameras attached to their noggins? Seriously this is pretty jaw-dropping stuff, something about a couple of lovebirds (Angela Nikolau, Ivan Beerkus) who form a romantic relationship scaling the roofs of the highest skyscrapers in the world. "Now we were more than just daredevils". Ah, you don't say.

So yeah, why am I about to not fully recommend "Skywalkers" even after that animated first paragraph? Well for one, what Angela and Ivan did was illegal and no matter how talented they may be at rooftopping, they were putting their lives at risk and well, breaking the law. And again speaking of Angela and Ivan, well they aren't the most likable participants in a documentary. Entitled, preoccupied with themselves, nearly defiant, yada yada yada. Those are the words I would use to describe these borderline, whiny millennials. I mean you want them to ditch the attitude, get a real job, and not tick off the boys in blue (another word for the rooftop po-po).

So what's left for Skywalkers: A Love Story? Well it has beautiful cinematography, shiny production values, a Richard Linklater approach to its shooting schedule (that means it was filmed over a period of more than five years), and good old Netflix on its side (that was a joke people). Basically you have a well-made docu that like the more superior Fall (from 2022), presents itself as a cinematic car accident. I mean even if you are afraid of heights (and I am), you just can't look away from the sheer drops you are witnessing. It's just too bad you hesitate in rooting for the people doing the swarming up. "Love" in a mist. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Blame the Game 2024 * 1/2 Stars

NO SKIN IN THIS GAME

TV slash occasional movie helmer Marco Petry directs 2024's Blame the Game. And in regard to "Game", Marco includes some off dubbing and a few locales that appear to be somewhere in urban Germany. "Dude, it's just a game night, what could go wrong?" Are we talking about the film here or some ill at ease, entertainment potluck?

Anyway Blame the Game (originally titled Spieleabend) sort of reminded me of a 2018 flick with Jason Batemen and Rachel McAdams called Game Night. I stress the "sort of reminded" part. "Game" lacks Game Night's element of agog and deadpan sense of dry humor. I mean Bateman and McAdams trying to avoid kidnappers and gangsters is a heck of a lot more interesting than a bunch of cliched millennials sitting around playing good old Trivial Pursuit. 

So yeah, with Blame the Game director Petry fashions something with gags and characterizations straight from the annals of the early to mid-2000s. A man and a woman have a courting process (check). Their dogs become friendly with each other (check it). The same man and woman engage in the horizontal hokey pokey (check please). The same woman invites the man to a game night where he is judged and frowned upon by the woman's D-bag friends (including the ex, gut check). Finally, forced chaos and tension ensue with the addition of a dolt-like, next door neighbor persona who just happens to love hunting wild boar (checkmate).  

I mean think about it, "Game" is all so trite and hackneyed, and the only thing that saves it from being a total turkey is the somewhat pseudo chemistry of the leads in German actor Dennis Mojen (he plays Jan) and actress Janina Uhse (she plays the fetching Pia). They are rather appealing but sadly they're surrounding by a pedestrian, blowhard of a movie, where there just has to be scenes with some blotto fool running from a lion in an exhibit and some weirdo, compeer character caught inverted in a fishing net (never viewed that swipe before). No-hit "game". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Boneyard 2024 * * Stars

BARE BONE

Starring Mel Gibson (sort of), Curtis Jackson, and Brian Van Holt, 2024's Boneyard is one of those video on demand movies, where you watch it and realize it will never see the light of day via a high-end theater. That's not to say that it's awful but it does have Mel attached, and ever since the media caught whiff of Gibson's nasty phone calls to his bae more than a decade ago, well it's been streaming city for Mr. Riggs and his mighty mettle. 

Anyway Boneyard is directed by unknown Asif Akbar, a dude who's ambitious from the get-go but forgot to hire a capable editor and/or script supervisor to sift through this litter of a crime thriller. I mean Boneyard has a ton of subplots, lots of main and side characters that wander in, trite unnecessary camera angles, middling acting, and an ending that leaves the viewer sort of scratching their collective heads. Gibson's persona (FBI agent Petrovick), well he's barely in Boneyard, as he enters the film periodically like some long-lost puppy who's scheduled for feeding time. 

Note to producers: if you're gonna put "mad Mel" on a poster front and center, well you might wanna include him in a few more scenes and not fashion his kooky dick guise as purely actor filler. "You were looking for the boogeyman, instead focus on the regular guy just hiding in plain sight". We hear you Mel. Believe me we hear you.

Top billing, under-utilized trouper insertions aside, Boneyard's gist is as follows: a police officer and a member of the FBI try to find a psycho killer who loves to bury his skeletal remains in the realms of some remote, New Mexico desert. By the way, I got that description from Boneyard's vehicle wiki page. Otherwise I wouldn't fully be able to discern what the heck I was watching on the almighty Prime. Scrap "yard". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Family Affair 2024 * 1/2 Stars

"YOU CAN'T CRY 'CAUSE YOU'LL LOOK BROKE DOWN"

2024's A Family Affair makes a little sense as a title. I mean if the word "family" is wholly defined as "like family" then yeah, why not. 

Anyway I've seen many romcoms in my day, and they all seem dated and passe because they use tropes of stuff that came before them. With A Family Affair, you have a younger dude (Zac Efron as movie star Chris Cole) getting with an older woman (Nicole Kidman as writer Brooke Harwood). And Cole's assistant (Joey King as Zara Ford), well she just happens to be the offspring of Brooke. And oh yeah, the whole shebang is connected to the ins and outs of glib "Hollyweird". I mean if I wanted to see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon again, I'd see 2017's Home Again with Reese Witherspoon (again). Yeesh!

So yeah, A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three people who'd probably be better off avoiding each other. I mean you've got the self-absorbed star trouper (Efron, who's perfectly cast here), the easily exploited author (Kidman's Brooke), and the whiny, underling daughter (King's Zara). They all have issues and well, with Carrie Solomon's cringe-inducing script inserted their scenes are a pretty rough watch. Oh I almost forgot, seeing Kidman and Efron's characters smooch in front of the statutory, Gary Marshall-prompted backdrop was like was watching some mortified, spin-the-bottle swipe. Again yeesh!

Now for kicks-and-giggles, did I hate A Family Affair? No. I mean movies are pretty hard to make and well, hate seems like too strong of a word to label anything. But did I dislike A Family Affair? Oh you darn Tootin. When two personas are wishy-washy about regularly hooking up and the twentysomething third wheel is even more wishy-washy about letting them consummate their passing ships interconnection, well that makes for a very injudicious viewing experience. Not all in this "family".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

On the Line 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

LINE OF DESCENT

2022's On the Line is directed by mostly TV guy, Romuald Boulanger. As a film about a shock jock who gets tormented by a psycho caller looking to kill his whole family, "Line" shows that Boulanger had a vision and that vision was to make an inferior version of 2021's The Guilty coupled with a better version of Oliver Stone's Talk Radio. Oh and helmer Boulanger also thought he'd throw in an ending to On the Line that was similar to David Fincher's thriller The Game. Uh, did you get all that?

Anyway "Line" takes place LA, with pretty much one set location and claustrophobic mischief to boot. Yeah it's a compact flick, starting off lean and mean with a solidly tense musical score from Clement Perin and first hour tightness that would make Antoine Fuqua sort of golf clap in the background. On the Line's star, well it's Mel Gibson as radio monger Elvis Cooney and for the most part, Mel's performance is fairly hyper and disciplined (in a good way). Gibson, well you don't see him much in theaters anymore but he's still appearing in any ready-made streaming service (take your pick). He's you know, hanging around cause the dude's got "alligator blood". Natch. 

So yeah, On the Line has decent acting, clean editing, and director Boulanger with limited holdings, trying to somewhat keep you guessing (until he doesn't). Now do I plan on recommending "Line?" Uh, not quite. The film would work better if it was more straightforward, a sort of stagecraft showcase for Gibson in the whole, "mild-mannered family man goes rogue in order to protect his brood" genre. Instead, On the Line adds root out twist upon root out twist near the end, trying to readily get its M. Night on. I mean it's like the Elvis character and any sense of dramatic momentum has left the building (pun intended). Dropped "line".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

"EVERYBODY WANTS INTO THE CROWDED LINE"

Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is about as lustrous a sequel as I've seen in many a moon. I mean the film looks like a million bucks ($150 million to be exact). 90210, well it appears like it got a makeover, shiny and gleaming with the vivid sun just beating down. So yeah, here's "Axel F's" gist: Axel Foley's daughter's life is in danger, Axel's bud Billy Rosewood has been kidnapped, and there's drug cartel/dirty cop stuff going on too. Yup, just another reason for Detroit's favorite dick to find his way back to the "Garden Spot of World". "This isn't my first time in Beverly Hills". You don't say.

So OK, where would I rank "Axel F" in the Beverly Hills Cop canon? Well, it's a heck of a lot better than Beverly Hills Cop III (yup, I've seen that abomination). Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F brings in yet a third new director for the fourth flick in the franchise, Australian Mark Molloy. Molloy, well he's sloppy staging shootout sequences but happily bleeds nostalgia like a gash wound, using songs from the first two installments while bringing back all the old characters and similar plotlines (Axel gets arrested again, Axel manipulates various situations, Axel revels in citywide damage). "Axel F", well it sometimes gives you the warm fuzz fuzzies from what went down almost 40 years ago. It's just a little more modernized, not quite as funny, and not quite as biting.

All in all, Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F is not as bad as I expected it to be (go back to second paragraph). And star Eddie Murphy, well he's more over the top than ever (actually I did expect that). The film definitely feels like a Beverly Hills Cop endeavor but its shortcomings are that it parodies the whole Beverly Hills Cop shtick rather than encircling it. Beverly Hills Cop I and II had a certain trenchancy to them, a grand style and some ripeness. "Axel F" just feels more like the lampooned, Kidz Bop version. "Cop" minus a half.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Quiet Place: Day One 2024 * * * Stars

"BE VEWY VEWY QUIET"

2024's A Quiet Place: Day One is lean and mean, a prequel to the original to the sequel. It's a blueprint vehicle mind you, made to be an obligatory prelude to something else, something maybe more elaborate and pulsing in the repugnant alien department. The runtime is short, there's danger readily around the corner, and with "Day One" I was getting some serious post-COVID vibes. "Shh". Oh you know it brother. 

Directed by the unseasoned yet polished Michael Sarnoski and starring Lupita Nyong'o of 12 Years a Slave fame, A Quiet Place: Day One is about just what it says it is. I mean it's day one of the invasion in NYC where if you make a peep, those pesky, spider-like critters will get cha. Speaking of said critters, well they really snap to it, stampeding, howling, and climbing up city walls with total aplomb. "Day One's" CGI, yeah it's obviously evident yet very well done, as the images of bloodthirsty Death Angels look cloaked into the screen, keeping it real. 

A Quiet Place: Day One, well it's hardly original, borrowing its depopulated look from World War Z and its morbidly nasty concept from The Descent (another flick about creepy crawlers who rely on faint sound to hunt humans). Oh well. Helmer Sarnoski gives "Day One" that compact, efficacious treatment anyway, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil. 

Yup, there's about three scenes in "Day One" that have ample buildup and provide barbarous, monster payoffs (pun intended). I mean the actors featured (Nyong'o, Joseph Quinn, Alex Wolff) don't exactly give Laurence Olivier-like performances but whatever, it's nearly a silent film after all, with three-dimensional conceptualizations of post-apocalyptic dread that are literally on the come up. Pride of "place". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star 2023 * * 1/2 Stars

"I WANT THE TRUTH!"

2023's Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is not so much a documentary as it is an A&E Biography special sort of lapsing into syndication. I mean I'm not saying that's a bad thing but why announce it as an actual release when it could easily qualify as boob tube filler via 6 PM on a Tuesday.  

With "The Last Movie Star", you have a timeline of Cruise's permanence of a career, the highs and the mid-lows all sort of pasted together and on the fly. I mean why is he so able to easily play Ethan Hunt over the span of nearly thirty years? And why would he fire his manager who just happens to be his own sister by blood? And uh, what's up with his fascination with Scientology and his yearn to plunge into the almighty meltdown (Oprah's couch ring a bell?)? 

Yeah Tommy boy is a pretty interesting guy, and Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star is pretty juicy stuff. The production values, well they ain't much and the propped up interviews, well they're from people I've never heard of (except for critic Richard Roeper, but no captions regardless). The particulars regarding Cruise's metier journey however, are raw and honest. And the archives of him in Top Gun, Days of Thunder, and/or Risky Business mode, are evocative and longing for the past of glorious 80s/90s pop cinema. 

Tom Cruise: The Last Movie Star, well it puts "the cruiser" in equal parts negative and positive lighting. And while we see him show up periodically in the flick, he's mysteriously not there in probing to defend himself via his own delineation. Oh well. At 75 breezy minutes, "The Last Movie Star" is worth at least one watch if you're a Cruise fanboy or someone who didn't know every tidbit about his meteoric rise in the meaty cesspool of "Hollyweird". Operatic "star". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Bikeriders 2023 * * Stars

WHEEZY RIDER

2023's The Bikeriders is one of those down-and-dirty movies. I mean the musty smell of a bar, the scented drag of a ciggy, and the gasoline intake from a large chopper cloak you as you walk out of the theater. The pseudo true story of "Bikeriders", well it's about the lives of a motorcycle club called the Vandals and what went down with them from 1965 to 1973. The setting is Middle America, the inspiration akin to '53's The Wild One. "This is our family forever." Oh fo-sho.

So yeah, "Bikeriders" doesn't have much of a story arc just as Goodfellas didn't have much of a story arc (critics have been comparing the two films lately). Goodfellas, well it hits you a little harder and resonates more from an emotive, Mob standpoint. The Bikeriders, well it's paltry and bare bones, never having a true reason for being while never creating any memorable and/or likable characters. I mean sure star Austin Butler has a smoldering screen presence and sure, co-star Tom Hardy disappears into his role like vapor. But come on now, these guys just ride bikes, peel off, grunt, and act stout, never making The Bikeriders more than merely trivial stuff. De Niro and Ray Liotta they surely ain't. 

Scorsese earthy crime dramas begot, "Bikeriders" is based on a book of the same name and helmed by a guy known for ditching the funny (Arkansas native Jeff Nichols). Nichols, well his direction is more style here than anything else. I mean he knows where to put the camera, his sense of time and place is rich, and his actors are loyal to him (just ask Michael Shannon). But with The Bikeriders, he mostly missteps, giving the audience member a rinse, repeat of grubby men smoking, drinking, knifing, getting into sudden bursts of graphic violence, and occasionally burning rubber on their Harleys (I stress the word occasionally). Yup, it just goes on and on with no end in sight, as the thin diegesis of "Bikeriders" runs out of propane wiggle room real fast. Free "rider" problem.

Written by Jesse Burleson

St. Elmo's Fire 1985 * 1/2 Stars

CEASE THIS FIRE

1985's St. Elmo's Fire is no great shakes, like sitting through a quilting seminar is no great shakes. Remember The Big Chill and The Deer Hunter? Those lifelong friends endeavors? Well those pics came out in '83 and '78 respectively. Years later we got St. Elmo's Fire, The Big Chill for paupers and/or have-not-s. Here we have a bunch of pseudo, recent college graduates (from Georgetown not Michigan) who are still very close and are trying to come to grips with early adulthood. Sigh. These people chain smoke, drink, do coke, sleep with each other, hang out at the local watering hole, and ogle at the camera as if to subjugate that they're actually doing some effective acting. "It ain't easy being me". You don't say Andrew McCarthy.

St. Elmo's Fire, well it's one of those movies that shows if you have a well-known cast, you don't always translate that into greatness. I mean sure "Fire" was a modest box office hit but who wouldn't be curious about seeing something with Rob Lowe, McCarthy (mentioned earlier), Judd Nelson, Mare Winningham, and Demi Moore attached to it. Basically St. Elmo's Fire was the Brat Pack flick, the quintessential Brat Pack flick, with the indelible images of those Brat Packer-s and their faces plastered onto the fusty frames forever. Too bad "Fire's" late, baby boomer script only looked good in production meetings and it's clunky editing goes down as smooth as the rut of extra coarse sandpaper. Hey um, image isn't everything people.  

Early twenties movie stars and script supervisor firings aside, St. Elmo's Fire was directed by the late schlock-meister Joel Schumacher, a guy who never met a genre he didn't want to impede (remember Batman & Robin? Ugh). Schumacher's style in "Fire" is all over the place, an unnecessary tracking shot here, a wide there, clips that look like they're shot on a soundstage and not an actual location, a forlorn attempt to imitate the great Robert Altman. It's all a sort of young adult faux pas, with "Fire's" popular soundtrack pouncing in on almost every scene, as if it needed to be there no matter what. "Do you ever feel like you're not accomplishing anything at all?" You said it Mare, not me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Brats 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

"SOLDIER ON, ONLY YOU CAN DO WHAT MUST BE DONE"

2024's Brats takes you back to a simpler time. You know, the early 80s, the early "Greed decade". I mean this is a documentary that revels in the past, not being able to let go of some adverse article written 39 years ago about some young, rising actors. The guide of Brats, well it's veteran trouper Andrew McCarthy, the dude that starred in Pretty in Pink and Less than Zero and 1983's Class. "I've never talked to anybody about what that was like". You are now Andrew, for reals. 

Now if you're my age (close to 50), you definitely know what I'm talking about in reference to Brats. I'm talking about the Brat Pack, those movie stars that appeared in a bunch of flicks about young people in coming-of-age mode. Remember St. Elmo's Fire, The Breakfast Club, and Oxford Blues? Yeah me too. They had Brat Pack people in them like McCarthy, Rob Lowe, Judd Nelson, Alley Sheedy, and Molly Ringwald. 

Decades later, McCarthy has decided to make a shuffled film about the legendary Brat Pack, burning both ends of the candle as director, producer, and unequivocal Greek chorus. Yup, it's a little strange to see what Andrew McCarthy is like in real-life, as he nervously seeks out former "Pack" members while trudging around Brats like he's some Woody Allen caricature via Annie Hall. 

Andrew, well he's obviously a little neurotic, and it's a little disconcerting that he fashions Brats as a therapy session for him or an exorcism of his Brat Pack demons if you will. If Brats were more an extensive account of the Brat Pack legacy and not a platform to facilitate McCarthy's boredom by bringing back the dead and buried, well I think the docu would work a little better. Regardless, Brats is ambitious and well-shot, giving the audience member grainy, 1980s archives, an effective sense of the camera peeking in, and perspicacious interviews from the people who were there and didn't make the cut, floundering in the Brat Pack trenches (Timothy Hutton, Lea Thompson, and Jon Cryer to name a few). "Pack" a slight punch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem 2024 * * Stars

SOCIAL INJUSTICE

2024's The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem represents a bunch of teens, hovered around their computers, hunkered down in their basements, and creating online memes meant to I suppose, skew real-life situational outcomes. A meme by definition, well it's an image, video, or piece of text that is copied and/or spread by Internet users. So yeah, you see a lot of these so-called memes throughout "Antisocial Network" yet they're on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet. I mean at least give the viewer a sense of coherency and/or interconnection with each passing beam or likeness. "There was definitely a lot of stuff that was... super edgy." Jeez, you could've fooled me. 

Some smug interviews here, some recent archives there, Donald Trump nearly everywhere, The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem splashes onto the screen with a ton of Pokemon colors, remnants of The Lawnmower Man, and some Anime-style animation. Yeah it all looks great but uh, where's the story? And what exactly did these Microsoft nerds do, as they ate their Cheetos and didn't leave from their lower ground floor for weeks? As a documentary, "Antisocial Network" contains a lot of techie info that unfortunately seems edited into a jumbled mess. Instead of having said info spoonfed to the audience member, it just sits there in the cinematic tidy bowl, getting soggy. "You didn't want the party to stop". Are you sure about that big guy?

Cheesy snacks and sci-fi horror aside, The Antisocial Network: Memes to Mayhem does two things that a docu should never do, give a platform for Internet young-ins who don't deserve it and then try to make you root for those same young-ins who should otherwise be looking for a real job and not sponging off the esse of others. I mean maybe these computer savants contributed to the outcomes of the 2016 United States election and/or the January 6 US Capital Attack, maybe not. Man, I don't even have a tenet. Stub "network".   

Written by Jesse Burleson

14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible 2021 * * * Stars

LONGS PEAK

2021 had The Alpinist but it also has another movie about mountaineers. Yeah I'm talking about 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible, a documentary about a dude (Nirmal Purja) whose chief goal in record time, is to climb the summits of the world's 14 highest peaks. We're talking stuff like K2 and Mount Everest, yeesh! Now do you think Purja and Marc Andre Leclerc ran into each other or crossed paths when all this was going down? Maybe, maybe not. Heck, they're both manful regardless, looking for that adrenaline like the adrenaline junkies they are. 

So OK, do I think "14 Peaks" feels rather predictable, staged, and only to be expected? Uh yeah, it kind of has to be. Otherwise the film would be titled "12 Peaks" or um, "Almost 14". And do I think the pic's subject (Purja) is rather cocksure and self-serving in the way he goes about his business? Of course. Again it kind of has to be this way. I mean confidence is key when you're standing almost 9,000 m above sea level with only an oxygen mask to keep you grinning. "If I can stay alive, I can do this". Yeah you tell 'em Nirmal.

Distributed by Netflix, featuring interviews from legendary climber Reinhold Messner, and shot primarily in Nepal, 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible takes its formalized mantra and churns out a rather streamlined and numbing docu about mountainous Mother Earth and its horrific beauty. Kudos goes out to Chris Alstrin, whose striking cinematography has every frame of the Himalayas looking like it could be captured onto a portrait. Kudos also goes out to Nainita Desai, whose pitch-perfect musical score signifies a sense of deafening danger coming right around the corner. Yeah with "14 Peaks", almost everything is possible, even if you know in advance that Purja is gonna eventually reach his ascending, "Waterloo". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

How to Rob a Bank 2024 * * * 1/2 Stars

BANK ON

"Everyone on the floor". So says the late bank robber Scott Scurlock, a dude who robbed a ton of financial establishments in Seattle, Washington via the early to mid 90s. Hey Scott, I never did hear about you but now I'm getting a full education. Prosthetic facial features, a 9mm handgun, the nickname of "Hollywood", a nearly non-violent disposition. Netflix, well you finally sparked my interest, finally.

With interviews that stick from people who were there (the FBI, bank tellers, the po-po) and archives of Scurlock that will surely haunt your vested psyche (Scott's ghostly presence lingers long after his 1996 suicide), 2024's How to Rob a Bank is a documentary that is entertaining enough to make you feel like you're watching pure fiction (when you're obviously not). I mean when the subject at hand was obviously inspired by the antics of Heat and 1991's Point Break, well you feel like Scott is Bodhi and Neil McCauley on their collective high horses. "How does he just slip away like that?" Heck if I know.

Crime pics and voices of the dead begot, How to Rob a Bank moves at breakneck speed and gets away with reenactments and animation that would make other docu flicks seem pretentious by comparison. I mean why did Scott decide to involve his bewildered friends who were non-criminals by trade? And why did Scottie boy give some of the money from his robberies to his other buds who were in financial straits? And why did Scurlock get kicked out of school when he was a semester short of graduating while eventually becoming a medical doctor? These are questions and they seem interpreted as Scurlock's own method of wallowing in his cesspool of enigma. I'll bite. How to Rob a Bank is still one of the best pieces of redolent prose to come out this year. "Bank" on it.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Bionic 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

BIONIC WOMEN

2024's Bionic is maybe the only film I've ever seen that had to do with bionics. I mean I've never viewed TV's The Bionic Woman so um, there you go. Bionic, well it's farsighted sci-fi, made with just enough futuristic gadgetry and prescience that it doesn't completely overwhelm you. The story, yeah it's about two sisters who have prosthetic legs, vying against each other to compete in the famed Paralympics. In order to keep their sponsors however, said sisters have to partake in a life of crime and some strong-arm tactics. "I want to enter the game". Yeah you do. 

So OK, Bionic is slick and glitzy, a flick that minus a few updated gags, probably could have been released in the late 90s. Nevertheless, it's a visionary work made by a director who obviously did some previous homework (Brazilian Afonso Poyart). A little Blade Runner here, a little Strange Days, a little splash of Neill Blomkamp, a smidgen of Gareth Edwards. I mean Poyart is obviously a fan of all things speculative fiction. So uh, what does he do to add to the furor? Well he combines sports with violence and meanie malefactors, kind of the same way 1991's Point Break did it with surfing, The Last Boy Scout did it with NFL football, and Drop Zone did it with skydiving. "Every victory demands sacrifice". Yeah it does.   

Aping of ultramodern cinema, shafts of light, and Johnny Utah-s aside, Bionic is worth at least one showing for its solid intentions of trying not to be just another crapper in the $3.99 bin a la Best Buy. Objectives begot, you just have to get past the occasional bad dubbing, the cartoon-like acting, the erratic editing, and the shallow characters who are as cold as perhaps the science fiction world is itself. By "artificial" means. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Beverly Hills Cop II 1987 * * * Stars

SPEED COP

Beverly Hills Cop II is about as sequel as sequels can get. But hey, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I mean if you liked Beverly Hills Cop circa 1984, you're probably gonna like "II" cause well, it's basically the same movie. Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley again goes back to Cali from his Detective gig in Detroit, wisecracking and gun-toting his way into solving another case. In the first Beverly Hills Cop, Axel investigates an art dealer turned drug dealer. In Beverly Hills Cop II, Foley investigates an arms dealer turned robbery architect. "Would you lighten up and take some risks". Exactly.  

So OK, would I rank Beverly Hills Cop over Beverly Hills Cop II? Probably but as a follow-up, "II" holds its own, following the same blueprint as the first film but adding a little more flash and panache. Whereas the first flick's director (Martin Brest) opted for a slower pace and more concentration on a juicier screenplay ("Disturbing the peace? I got thrown out of a window!"), the late Tony Scott takes over the reins in "II", providing the audience with his signature fast tempo, scorched look, and glaring close-ups. The violence is louder, the lighting is harder, and LA is much smoggier this time around. "Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using the force". Oh Eddie you slay me, you really do.

All in all, Beverly Hills Cop II has all the familiar cast members back (Paul Reiser, Murphy, John Ashton, Judge Reinhold), slipping into their fuzz roles like old, comfortable shoes. And the soundtrack like with the first "Cop" is tops, bringing back righteous ditties by The Pointer Sisters and good old synth monger, Harold Faltermeyer. So yeah, I suppose the only reason to not dig Beverly Hills Cop II is to believe it's worse because the initial Beverly Hills Cop came first. Get over it cause despite "II's" need to revel in all things facsimile, this "Cop" still "rocks". Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 1985 * * 1/2 Stars

HALF DOME

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is about as visionary a film as you can get. I mean it may not make it to the revisited big screen but there it is, a third installment in the Mad Max franchise that revels in dusty landscapes and mucky, grubby caricatures, all bent on fulfilling their arid, dystopian requisites. "Thunderdome's" story, well it's a murky one, something about a place called "Bartertown", where Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson of course) has to show off his "mad" fighting skills in order to impress "Bartertown's" ruler (Aunty Entity played by Tina Turner) to get supplies for his future endeavors. "Two men enter, one man leaves". Yeah you go Tina!

So OK, where would I rank Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome in the Mad Max canon? Probably in the middle I guess. Just like in the most recent Mad Max flick (Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga), director George Miller decides to venture into the world of storytelling. Um, that's not his strong suit mind you. Miller is the master of stunt work, the guy who can create "birds in flight" action sequences with almost no CGI. With "Thunderdome", he provides this action but probably needed a better editor, someone to sift out the droppings of the slogging second act, where Max is befriended by a bunch of grubby kids inhabiting an oasis called "Planet Erf" (what?). This second act, well it zaps Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome's momentum, preventing it from having any real, suspenseful heft by the time the final chase commences (and you know there's gonna be a final chase). "I can feel it, the dice are rolling". Are you sure about that bro? Are you?

All in all, "Thunderdome" is not a total loss. I mean see it for Tina Turner's molten screen presence and her hit ditty during the closing credits. See it for the always reliable Gibson, who despite being less "mad" this time around, fits the antihero role like a pair of worn out slippers. Finally, see it for George Miller's inspiration, all funked up for the punk crowd literally strung out, and on the outs. Like 1979's Alien is to Star Wars, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome is to well, Star Wars. Just take out everything pristine and unspoiled in this sci-fi sphere. "Beyond" control.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

BETWEEN THUNDERDOME 

Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is a dusty, fiery saturation of a movie, by which you watch it on the big screen, admiring its sizable canvas. "Furiosa's" story, well it's a prequel to Mad Max: Fury Road, chronicling the character of Imperator Furiosa (played by Anya Taylor-Joy). So yeah, "Mad Max" the persona is not in "Furiosa" and well, why would he be. I mean you're still gonna get that post-apocalyptic flavor, in spades and up your steampunk-ed gut. "Ladies and gentlemen-s, start your engines". Oh fo sho. 

Now is Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga one long action reel like "Fury Road" back in good old 2015? Uh not quite. "Furiosa" is more plot-driven and that might be its downfall. With choppy editing and an even choppier narrative concerning Imperator Furiosa's origins/childhood, Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is a bit of a slog to sit through, giving the audience a little road rage action and respirator masks in fits and starts. Heck, it's all so rather anti-climatic and nomadic. I mean a bare-bones digesis might have suited things a little better. "Oh, what a day... what a lovely day!" If you say so brother. 

Gasoline-smelling War Rig chases and dystopian soap opera antics aside, the best reason to see "Furiosa" is George Miller's style of directing. Yup, movies like Waterworld, Death Race 2050, and even Doomsday wouldn't exist without stunt monger Miller, as he churns out funky, nasty worlds with funky, nasty characters all leather-clad and reeking of petrol. George Miller, well he adapts handily with these Mad Max pics, going from late 70s filmmaking to present day stuff, basically shooting the same flick over and over again but adding a little more CGI and some three-dimensional camerawork. It's just too bad his Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga is surprisingly a downer when it could have easily blown the roof off any screaming Pursuit Special. "Saga" novel. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wages of Fear 2024 * * * Stars

FEAR FACTORED 

There are many people who might not know the actors in 2024's The Wages of Fear (I happen to be one of them). Franck Gastambide, Alban Lenoir, Alka Matewa, and Ana Giradot. Heard of them? Yeah well me neither. Anyway they star in a burnished slow burner, the type of flick that takes its time before it really gets going. "You have just 24 hours to put out the fire". Ouch, better get going. 

"Fear", well it has good intentions and does its utmost to make them stick. I mean watching the opening credits I thought I was expecting something straight from the annals of Brian A. Miller, all oiled and empty and cheapened without ample cognition. Thank gosh I was wrong. The Wages of Fear is a more palatable vision of what Miller might've concocted some 8-10 years ago. No Bruce Willis, no Jason Patric, and no Thomas Jane this time around. Um, full steam ahead as they say. 

Filmed in Morocco, distributed by Netflix, and showing the audience the type of pic Guy Pearce and Jessica Chastain would've done had they been hard up for that almighty paycheck, "Fear" is about a bunch of mercenaries who drive across a desert to deliver nitroglycerin while eventually trying to prevent a life-threatening explosion from killing a small town.   

Yeah "Fear" is all slick and violent and dangerous, the way 10-year director Julien Leclercq intended. Heck, he commits to every shot, building tension and disorder in fits and starts. So OK, ignore the bad dubbing (it's obviously an overseas movie), ignore the wooden acting by the poor man's Will Forte (Sofiane Zermani), ignore the fake, CGI fire but hey, embrace The Wages of Fear's canvased cinematography of dusty Northern Africa. Trust me, just take a whiff at what I deem to be The Road Warrior meets 2015's Sicario. Maximum "wages".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Saint of Second Chances 2023 * * 1/2 Stars

FAIR CHANCE

There are many people who don't know Mike Veeck (myself included). Um, where's his wiki page? Yeah it's nonexistent. Mike is the son of the late Chicago White Sox owner Bill Veeck. You know, the guy who brought a little person to home plate, made his players wear shorts, and was the innovator of the explosive scoreboard. Their account is told through the swift and refreshing lens of 2023's The Saint of Second Chances. 

"Second Chances", well it's more about Mike than it is Bill. It really is. I mean I was caught off guard. Hey I'm not saying that's a bad thing but it makes the whole viewing experience kind of one-sided, an uneven torch passing if you will. Could it be that Bill Veeck has been dead since 1986 and his offspring just had to get in the limelight, to right the wrong from his Disco Demolition Night miscalculation?  Maybe. Mike has dabbled in the eclectic ownership of Minor League teams for over forty years, vowing to get back to the majors with Bill Murray and Daryl Strawberry support in tote. "It could not fail". Yeah you go get 'em Mikey.

Filmed with grainy archive footage and distributed by Netflix (there's a shocker), The Saint of Second Chances is disjointed in its approach, painting itself as less a documentary and more a ninety-three minute vindication, avoiding the notion of obviousness (that's not always a red flag). Mike Veeck's personal and professional life, well it's on full display here, whisking you from one set piece to the next as it gives the viewer meager time to breathe. Go with it if you're pastime junkie-d. I mean if you're a White Sox fan (I've lived in Chi-town for 21 years so yeah) then it's worth at least one watch. Split "second". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story 2004 * * 1/2 Stars

MICHELLE, MA BELLE

2004's Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story is one of those movies that had to inspire Lifelock or Experian (or maybe it was the other way around). "Identity Theft's" story, well it's a true one, taking place in Denver, Colorado where new homeowner Michelle Brown (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) gets her identity stolen after handing over credit card numbers and other stuff to kooky rental clerk Connie Volkos (played with cocksure and lazy eye discipline by Annabella Sciorra). "You cancelled all your cards right?" Uh yeah, of course I did. What do you think I am, stupid?

So OK, why does Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story become so lean and mean in the first two acts only to descend into being some PSA, message flick that eventually gets robbed of having any dramatic momentum or inching tightness? And why does "Identity Theft" end up being preachy when its protagonist Michelle could have served up Connie a dish that's as cold as the frozen tundra (I'm talking revenge here people)? And why oh why oh why, does Michelle's boyfriend (Justin played by Jason London) act like nothing is wrong and tells Michelle she needn't worry about cray cray Karen-s too much? Heck, you'd think he was the darn villain for crying out loud. Yeesh! 

Those are good questions and well, I'm not sure director Robert Dornhelm would be willing to answer them. I mean I could email the dude but nah, screw it.

Public Service Announcements, mundane partners, and retaliation aside, Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story is the equivalent to a horror pic sans gore, in which one person is so relentless in ruining another person's life that they actually want to become them too. Ugh. Too bad scenes of long-term guidance, not needed manipulation, and sappy self-righteousness forcefully get in the way. Not so grand "theft". Sigh. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Across the Tracks 1990 * * * 1/2 Stars

ON THE RIGHT TRACK

Projecting itself as a sort of Vision Quest for the track world, where Brad Pitt is a more agitated Louden Swain, Garon Grigsby is a more kinder Brian Shute, and Carrie Snoggress is the female version of Larry Swain, 1990's Across the Tracks is a heavy-handed drama set in the more seedy areas of good old Shaker Town (that would be Los Angeles, CA). "No you will never be better than me at anything". You tell 'em Brad. Hey watch the Brad run like the wind. Run Pitt-ster run!

Directed by an unknown (Sandy Tung) and featuring track and field, dolly shots that are just fancy enough to suffice, Across the Tracks has Joe Maloney (Pitt) and Billy Maloney (played by Rick Schroder) as brothers/middle distance runners who compete against each other via rival high schools. Joe is the good bro, the firstborn, the dude trying to keep the whole household together. Billy is the troublemaker, the black sheep if you will, a guy trying to turn his life around after he realizes he has mad skills in the half-mile. Both are very different from each other and their brotherly love (and loyalties) get blurred through the other's drug use, theft, and veritable peer pressure. "Then how come I'm running the race today Joe?" Ah the irony. 

Never released in theaters (or maybe it was) and distributed by California Pictures (makes sense), Across the Tracks doesn't overwhelm you from a sports aspect. Nah, it would rather concentrate on family emotions and coming-of-age, character-driven slants, making the film the most heightened, rough around the edges Afternoon Special that's not an actual Afternoon Special. Pitt and Schroder, well they give raw, disciplined performances and after this flick Brad Pitt ascended to A-list stardom while Rick Schroder became um, Costco boy. Oh well. The presence of these two on screen will still be forever frozen in time. "Across" this board.  

Written by Jesse Burleson 

Vision Quest 1985 * * * Stars

QUEST FOR FIRE

My latest review titled Vision Quest, is based on a novel of the same name. For every single-leg takedown there's a tender moment between a high school athlete and his older, would-be girlfriend. For every Spokane, Washington locale there's a song by Madonna and/or Journey that blasts through the small speakers of your shiny flat-screen. "Quest", well it was something of an enigma back in the middle of the "Greed decade", for reals. Containing no known stars, groggy landscapes, and a single, meaningless climatic dual meet, Vision Quest is the little flick that could. "It's gonna happen coach, it's bigger than both of us". Indeed.

Directed by Harold Becker, a guy known for helming anything but the funny (remember The Onion Field and Taps?), "Quest" gives us the story of Louden Swain (Matthew Modine), a top-notch wrestler who attempts to drop 20 pounds (and two weight classes) in order to go head-to-head with the best in the state, Brian Shute (played by butch-meister Frank Jasper). Swain also along with his father, takes in a striking, female drifter named Carla (Linda Fiorentino) who he tries to get with romantically possibly blurring the lines of his ultimate, grappling goal. 

Vision Quest, yeah it's 80s machismo and 80s coming-of-age, a real sweat-hog of a movie. You can smell the lather of the wrestling mats, you can feel the destitute of the main characters, and you can hear the ripe soundtrack that's almost bigger than the film itself (it sold 1 million copies, no joke). Helmer Becker, well he doesn't just give you a poster child vehicle for the sport of arm drags, pancakes, and fireman's carries. No-no no he adds some romantic drama as well, fashioning what might be the second installment in the imagined trilogy of 1983's All the Right Moves. Double "vision".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Fall Guy 2024 * * * Stars

NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY

2024's The Fall Guy is based on a TV series from the 80s which I've never seen (but only heard of). For every bone-crunching brawl moment there is tongue placed right in cheek. For every blazing pyrotechnic there's a Steadicam shot that would make Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu kind of jealous. "Fall Guy", well it's a lavish yet emotionless, hollow spectacle, an excuse to promote auditorium hearing loss and uh, blow stuff up. "You're a stuntman, nobody's gonna notice you". Uh-huh, whatever. It's all fun and games till someone gets hurt. 

Directed by a former stuntman himself (Wisconsin native David Leitch) and attached with a budget of at least $150 mil (sort of makes sense doesn't it?), The Fall Guy chronicles stunt performer Colt Seavers (played with dumbed-down coolness by the especial Ryan Gosling) as he comes out of retirement from a life-threatening injury. Guess what, there's more. Colt also tries to rekindle his junior high-like romance with his director (Emily Blunt as Jody Moreno) and take on some bad guys who have supposedly kidnapped his action star who he stunt doubles for (Tom Ryder played with a certain snide excess by Aaron-Taylor Johnson). 

The Fall Guy, yeah it's an ode to Old Hollywood and on-set quirky, cloak-and-dagger. It's also loud, dopey violent fun, a movie-within-a-movie that doesn't take itself seriously because well, if it did we wouldn't quite enjoy it as much. So yeah, just imagine if Jesse V. Johnson (action monger) went back in time to helm 1978's Hooper. Better yet, un-imagine director Leitch, deciding to channel his inner Hal Needham as he whisks you from one set piece to the next fashioning a bare bones plot, mordant dialogue, and some wandering editing. Yup, that's The Fall Guy for ya so hey, load up on the popcorn and avoid those energy drinks. You won't need em'.  Ride for this "fall". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

American Murder: The Family Next Door 2020 * * * Stars

 

FAMILY STYLED 

"I tortured him, I rejected him". Yeah but does that mean you have to perish at the age of 34.

Anyway, some people (like myself) don't remember the Watts family murders that made national attention back in 2018. Taking place in Frederick, Colorado amidst the mountainous mold of suburban Mayberry, you have oil field operator Christopher Watts killing his pregnant wife Shannan along with their two young daughters by way of smothering and/or strangulation. Ugh. The Watts account is told in a rather expedient and totally revamped method via 2020's American Murder: The Family Next Door. 

"American Murder", well it's a streamlined documentary that apes stuff like 48 Hours, Forensic Files, and Dateline. Why? Because it can I suppose and well, everyone's a sucker for enthralling legal shows of the gruesome crime order. The only difference though, is that American Murder: The Family Next Door schleps the TV feel for coarse language, restrained use of the interview, and a little texting, innuendo. It also projects its events as convenient, sort of pristine reenactments that allow the film to almost play out like raw fiction (even if it's obviously non-fiction). I mean it's like director Jenny Popplewell is psychic, using restored, matter of fact archive footage and exact two ticks that trump the baseline of effective timelines. "We're not promised tomorrow". True-dat. 

Now did I like "American Murder" for its slow-building craft, riffing off the annals of all things Howard Stringer and manifest, mystery screenlife? Of course I did. I mean everyone tries to look away from a car wreck but hey, we all want to see a mild-mannered man turned calculated slayer get what he deserves. And does American Murder: The Family Next Door feel like it's playing its own imitation game as it tries mightily not to offend good old Keith Morrison? I suppose. But hey as they say, one "door" closes and another one opens. Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Mr. Mom 1983 * * * Stars

MR. MISTER

1983's Mr. Mom is not so much a lit comedy as it is an ode to consumerism, public inhaling, and the crux of the one and only Reagan era. I mean I remember seeing this film profusely some forty years ago, playing on HBO and/or Cinemax at various times of the day. You have a story about a stay-at-home dad of three, and as a ten-year-old I thought, well that seems interesting, way out, and kind of controversial. "Got two pair, we've got plenty". Oh you slay me Michael Keaton, you really do.

Directed by Stan Dragoti (of Love at First Bite and She's Out of Control fame), co-starring Teri Garr, and mostly shot in a suburban setting where suburbanites actually make fun of themselves (I'm not kidding), Mr. Mom is part satire, part light drama, part Joel Schumacher squib, and in the main funny. 

So yeah, you watch the main character (Jack Butler played with pitch-perfect dryness by Keaton) try to do the housewife thing after getting laid off from his job as an auto engineer. Whether he's failing miserably doing the laundry, not knowing how and where to drop his kids off at school, getting obsessed with soap operas, heating up a grilled cheese with a steam iron, and/or screwing up the grocery list, Michael Keaton brings a certain zaniness to proceedings even if his behaviors are a tad send up-ish and well, parodied.

Seeing Mr. Mom in present day, one might think it's sort of dated and gives the middle finger to social order or woman's liberation. Whatever. I mean does it really matter at this point. What counts is how entertaining and droll the movie is, a rather soil-like, 80s bourgeois conch that feels like the cinematic equivalent of an adult, Saturday morning cartoon. Alpha "mom". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Pacific Heights 1990 * * * 1/2 Stars

CARTER HASN'T LEFT THE BUILDING

Making you think twice before skipping the background check, forking over the room keys, and taking in a complete dirt ball who doesn't bother to pay rent, 1990's Pacific Heights is a dusky, thriller drama that relentlessly works as a veridical, living nightmare. "I don't think you'll have a problem". Really? Oh think again Batman, think again.

Distributed by Twentieth Century Fox and directed by the dude that made Midnight Cowboy and Marathon Man (the late John Schlesinger), Pacific Heights has antagonist Carter Hayes (played with pure remorselessness by Michael Keaton) sliming his way into occupying an apartment from pushover, renter couple Drake Goodman and Patty Palmer (the rattled Matthew Modine and the more tranquil Melanie Griffith). 

Yeah it's all pretty vexing as Carter makes Patty and Drake's lives a living purgatory. I mean we're talking cockroaches and loud hammering and drilling and creepy guests and harmful nail guns oh my! Oh and Carter hasn't given Patty or Drake one cent as he readily plans to swindle them yuppie-style. What a bag and in '90, who knew Keaton could flex and easily turn on the nasty. Even when he's not screen (which is surprisingly often), you just feel his guise anyway. "This is my business, and I'm very good at it". Um, settle down Batman, just settle down. 

Filmed mostly in San Francisco, CA, with tenebrous hues, a sense of hinged confinement, and a knack for giving its protagonist characters the worst of misfortune, Pacific Heights lets director Schlesinger turn up the damaging, psychological screws with a little noir, a little barbarity, and a whole lot of squalid exploitation. Hans Zimmer's forewarning musical score, a slight Brian De Palma mocking, and camera framing that's a little Fatal Attraction-esque just make the flick even more of an effective, retro watch. "Pacific high". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer 2024 * 1/2 Stars

NATURAL LOW

Netflix is at it again. With 2024's Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer, it's another comedy special, with another cocksure comedian I've never heard of, doing an hour or so of unfunny shtick on stage. Yeah good old Netflix really needs to chill (pun intended) with this material. Let these nearly droll comics do some dogged one-night stands at Zanies instead. For reals.

Anyway "Natural Born Killer" clocks in at 59 minutes, with Jimmy Carr telling joke after joke after joke, all with some sort of ill at ease, sexual connotation involved. Director Brian Klein, well he films Carr from different camera angles, using the occasional colored flood lighting and obvious spotlight lighting (obviously). 

Now did I laugh or chuckle? Not really. Carr seems enthusiastic, informative, and deadpan on all things naughty. But his delivery, accent, and Gumby-like appearance here come off as rather forced, cringey, and well, pretentious. Jimmy, why the need to pause after telling a pun to get laugh approval from your crowd? And why the need to not move your torso one iota during the entire duration of your performance? And um, what's with the wearing of the 3 piece suit dude? This is a comedy show not Huey Lewis and the News coming up to accept a freaking Grammy. Yeesh!

Fixed music awards and borderline crickets aside, Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer doesn't do Carr a whole lot of justice. Instead of "killing" the audience with his so-called, iconic abilities as a funnyman, Jimmy Carr appears more like the poor man's Ricky Gervais, hosting an X-Rated version of the Golden Globes and bombing like the empty half pints at an Irish pub. The audience participation in "Natural Born Killer", well that's just a sad, filthy little bonus. Natural born killer of the "mood" is more like it. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Against the Ice 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

ICE ICE MAYBE

2022's Against the Ice is one of those cold weather movies, where you watch it from the comfort of your own home with a covering and a cup of hot, steaming cocoa. "Ice's" story, well it takes place in Greenland circa 1910, a country I thought no one in the world inhabited. You've got two guys (Captain Ejnar Mikkelsen played unrecognizably by Nikolaj Coster Waldau, Joe Cole as Iver Iversen), two against nature, trying to find a cairn over a 2000-plus-mile trek via some frozen tundra. "You never think you can't make it". Uh-huh, sure.

So yeah, why does Against the Ice not get into your central nervous system and stay there, like say survival dramas a la The Grey, Adrift, and/or '93's Alive. That's a good question, and I think only "Ice's" helmer (Peter Flinth) knows the real answer (I don't plan on emailing him in the near future). 

I mean why do the Mikkelsen and Iversen characters have beards that don't change their appearance over the span of being stranded for 2-plus years? And why does it appear that they haven't lost any weight despite food rationing and whatnot? And um, how come these dudes never froze to death for not lighting a fire occasionally in an autonomous territory with an average winter temp of -4 degrees Fahrenheit? 

Yeah I get it, Against the Ice is based on true events but come on filmmakers, make said true events stick a little. Mentally Ejnar Mikkelson and Iver Iversen are spent. Physically they seem fine, well maybe they just need a trip to the spa (har har). 

Resort treatments and dippy behaviors aside, Flinth's deft direction, numbing camera movement, and icy atmospherics nearly cut through "Ice's" shortcomings of a couple of explorers that seem Herculean and well, immune to hypothermia and good old sepsis. Turn your brain off at the door and you'll at least be able to handle one viewing. Lean "against".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Squaring the Circle: The Story of Hipgnosis 2022 * * * Stars

"A SHELTER FROM PIGS ON THE WING"

2022's Squaring the Circle: The Story of Hipgnosis is not so much a documentary as it is an elongated wiki page entry, a solid, elongated wiki page entry. "Squaring the Circle", well it's about an art design group from London that created album covers for famous rock artists. I mean we're talking Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Paul McCartney and Wings, the list goes on and on. "All that work has stood the test of time". Oh fo sho.

Directed by a dude known for music videos (Anton Corbijn) and filmed slightly in monochrome (that's black and white photography), Squaring the Circle: The Story of Hipgnosis is shot chronologically yet at the same time, doesn't have a middle, beginning, or end. I mean you could watch this thing from any point, absorbed by how two art helmers (Storm Thorgerson, Aubrey Powell) came up with legendary album sleeves that mostly didn't have anything to do with the bands or their catchy tunes.

"Squaring the Circle", yeah it's fascinating stuff, an earthy docu that warms you internally like soup. Don't think of it as a movie but a sort of incessant showcase. Case in point: why is a cow on the cover of Pink Floyd's Atom Heart Mother? Why was The Nice's Elegy shot in the middle of the desert with red footballs scattered? And why does Zep's Houses of the Holy have a bunch of albino children hanging out at Giant's Causeway.

Like the stirring illustrations of Hipgnosis, there's no real structure here for "Squaring the Circle". Take it as you will. It's filmed decently however, mixing archives with interviews from Powell and Thorgerson as well as rock gods like David Gilmour, Peter Gabriel, and Robert Plant (to name a few). But it also plays out like the title of Floyd's 2014 entry The Endless River, myriad, profusion-like, and without peroration. Vinyl obsessives won't care either way. Repeating "circle".

Written by Jesse Burleson

What Jennifer Did 2024 * 1/2 Stars

DID BAD

Few documentaries plainly ape TV shows like Dateline and/or 48 hours but here we are with 2024's What Jennifer Did. I mean when the opening few scenes have someone saying "my name is so-and-so and I'm the lead investigator in the case of so-and-so", well it's clear that What Jennifer Did's filmmakers didn't want to come with any novelty. And when said lead investigator also says "I was awoken in the middle of the night just as I was about to fall asleep", well the normality of hackneyed gumshoes just rears its ugly head. "It doesn't make sense". Um, yeah it does. It makes perfect sense. 

So yeah, what exactly was it that Jennifer did? Well real-life Jennifer Pan was an accomplice to murdering her own parents in Markham, Ontario, spurned on by a crocodile-teared 911 call, a lovesick disposition, and lousy interviewing skills (she really should have had her lawyer present). Like I said, What Jennifer Did is like a mediocre version of Dateline, lacking the tension, integrity, and nerve-ending mystery that that show has been giving us as a thirty-plus year fixture on the almighty boob tube. What's worse is that "Jennifer's" director (Jenny Popplewell) laces her film with rather sham cinematography, sham-like confabs, and some cheesy reenactments of stuff like murder rap newscasts and/or interrogation clips (like we wouldn't notice). I mean it's almost as if the true story events in What Jennifer Did didn't actually go down (but hey, you knew they did). 

Distributed by Netflix (what isn't) and clocking in at 87 minutes (gee that feels like the runtime of a certain episode of a certain crime streamer), What Jennifer Did is not so much a docu as it is a declared-in-advance malfeasance caper with a muted conclusion. "Did" more harm than good? Oh you betcha. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Inventing David Geffen 2012 * * * 1/2 Stars

KING DAVID

2012's Inventing David Geffen is an epic documentary, a garish mosaic, a celebration of life for a guy who's well, still alive today. Geffen (the film's subject obviously) is the GOAT of entrepreneurs, the Forest Gump of spanning entertainment. I mean he's everywhere and as that 1994 vehicle told us, is good at all things entity. "I have no talent, except for being able to recognize it in others." In David's case, a net worth of $8 billion dollars says that's okay. 

Directed by the woman that made the excellent docu about Steven Spielberg (titled Spielberg, naturally) and distributed by Direct Cinema Limited, Inventing David Geffen probes the vast accomplishments of Geffen's foray into being a record executive, a producer of comedies, a talent agent, and a film company founder. 

Helmer Susan Lacy, well she gives "Inventing" the feeling of being rich, textured, non-biased, and objective. She thinks in cuts, and although Inventing David Geffen might be a little long-winded at 115 minutes, most of its editing goes down as smooth as cold ice tea on a summer's day. "The art of the deal was his stage". You rock on David! Rock on!

Consisting mostly of archive footage spanning decades and interviews from mainly David Geffen himself (he seems so laid-back and congenial with his audience), Inventing David Geffen provides positive vibes and a little light ribbing from Davie boy's long-standing buds (Neil Young, Tom Hanks, and Cher to name a few). 

Geffen, well he never graduated from college, never learned to play an instrument, and never took a class on the art of cinema. Whatever. The Eagles, Elton John, Tom Cruise, and Grammy winner Clive Davis would tell you it doesn't matter. They've gotten rich off his observant ideals. Inventing David Geffen basically ignores the idea of being denied the American dream and kicks it where the sun don't shine. "Pioneer" well-pointed. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Runaway 1984 * * * 1/2 Stars

RUN WILD

Giving you the feeling that there's the occasional Velveeta plastered on the screen, Runaway is a vehicle that may appear hokey and chi-chi to some but ahead of its time for others (like myself). Hey, just grab a beer, a Hot Pocket, and some ZA because it's movie night, microwaved 80s style. Runaway, well it has never been heralded as a cult classic but you know what, it should be. For reals.

Distributed by TriStar Pictures in its first year of operation (1984) and directed by ER monger Michael Crichton who saw the future although mildly dated, and ran with it, Runaway is about malfunctioning, threatening automatons, guided missile bullets with names attached, and spider-like robots who kill people by injecting them with acid (yikes). Did you get all that cause there's more. You have Kiss rocker Gene Simmons as the evil Dr. Charles Luther, acting recluse Cynthia Rhodes as Officer Karen Thompson, and Tom Selleck playing new-fashioned Sergeant Jack Ramsey. Their perfect casting and mano-a-mano interplay in Runaway gel emphatically. "Clean, simple, and neat." Not entirely mustache man but I like your style.

So yeah, Runaway hangs in a kind of kooky, sci-fi world where AI is almost more pertinent and/or favoring than the everyday plights of the living. And as you watch it, you sort of realize that the filmmakers take the flick more seriously than any perceptive audience member viewing it. Oh well. Runaway is entertaining as all get-out, with a sprightly pace, a foreboding vein, and a musical score by the late Jerry Goldsmith that will surely haunt any sensitive person's dreams. Crichton, well he combines action and the ultramodern to create a rather starry-eyed version of crawler, cops and robbers. His Runaway may not be as avant-garde as say Blade Runner but what is. Effectively "riderless". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Arthur the King 2024 * * * Stars

SHAGGY DOG STORY

2024's Arthur the King is yet another told tale about a man and his dog (or would-be dog). In other words, it's star Mark Wahlberg doing what he said in a recent interview, which is only concentrating on family-friendly flicks, made probably for his own FAM. I mean some of his recent stuff I could do without (Me Time, The Family Plan, really?) but Arthur the King is a keeper, a tear-wringer that kind of wrings true (literally). "We keep going. That makes all the difference." Yeah you tell 'em Marky Mark. 

Now do I think "King's" non-fiction plot thread about adventure racing over 400 miles in cruddy terrain is plausible in terms of its character's superhuman actions? Not exactly but I guess it did happen. Maybe the truth was uh, you know, inclined (no pun intended). And did a Border Collie mutt really follow real-life Micheal Light (Mark Wahlberg) and his racing buds through the near-entirety over some long-arse trek? In my heart I can't be certain but as they say in Hollywood, "it's only a movie", give in to the hokiest of navigation and the sentimental goo. 

Made on a smaller budget but you wouldn't know it (the lush locales of the Dominican Republic go a long way on $19 million dollars) and shot MTV-style but you won't really mind it (I wanted to yell "extreme!!" at the screen, for reals), Arthur the King hits the ground running as it packs an emotional wallop (pun intended). 

Cinematic manipulation and tear duct exploiting aside, "King" is uplifting, on edge, and gladdening, shot and edited lightening-quick by Brit director Simon Cellan Jones (The One and Only, Some Voices). This film is part human drama, part American Flyers fluff, part Road Rules ruckus, and mostly down at heel canine. "King" of arms. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Now More Than Ever: The History of Chicago 2016 * * * Stars

"OLD DAYS, GOOD TIMES I REMEMBER"

Letting you know there's a sort of bitterness between members of a certain rock band, Now More Than Ever: The History of Chicago is an exhaustive and extensive documentary about those guys with guitars and horns that have managed to exist almost 50 years via the entertainment biz. Clocking in at nearly two hours, "Now More Than Ever" takes Chicago's Behind the Music stint and stretches it out like crosslinked rubber. We're talking Behind the Music on steroids here, with profundity in tone, newfangled insight, and raw plain-speaking. "We were able to pretty much do as we wanted". Heck, with hits like "Beginnings", "Just You 'n' Me", and "Make Me Smile", why not.  

Distributed by CNN (yes that CNN) and using sands in the hourglass clips as a sort of metaphor, Now More Than Ever: The History of Chicago goes the standard docu route in terms of its sequential structure. It's basically interview cut to archive cut to interview cut to archive cut to occasional hourglass. Lather, rinse, rinse, repeat. "Now More Than Ever's" director (Peter Pardini), well he may meander with his style as he milks the near-lifetime history of Chicago for 113 minutes, all the way down to its nub. Oh well. As the viewer you're sucked in anyway, and as a huge fan of the band whose early stuff was the legend of my childhood, all I got to say is, "can you dig it? (yes I can)." Natch.

Having a kind of chip on its shoulder in terms of the interviewees giving the knock back to former Chicago brethren like Peter Cetera, Danny Seraphine, and Bill Champlin (was this really necessary?), Now More Than Ever: The History of Chicago is not a perfect, factual transmission by any means. However, it does provide that unfeigned fix and evocative diversion for uber-Chicago junkies like myself. Made "history". 

Written by Jesse Burleson