Holland 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

DUTCH TRIP

"Here here the best part because you get to make up a story and control everything". Gee, if only that worked in the cinematic world consistently, like when Rob Reiner got behind the lens and told Kathy Bates to let er rip. 

Anyway 2025's Holland is a stoner fever dream, the type of movie that relies on visual symbolism and grisly palate as opposed to actually delivering a story that is not cut and dried. A dorky husband who is suspected of being unfaithful to his wife is actually a serial killer. And said wife jots around stakeout-style while acting a little cuckoo bird herself. What, we're supposed to think this is out of the box stuff just because Holland's hook is that it takes place in a small burgh via the state of Michigan? Get reals.

So OK, Holland stars Nicole Kidman, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Matthew Macfadyen, actors who give raw, disciplined performances despite the final, work-shy result. Lots of match cuts here, a hallucinatory image there, dazed nightmare sequences everywhere, some cognitive freak-outs. Holland isn't an awful flick but it's certainly an off-center one, looking like TV swipe from the 70s, taking place in the early 2000s, and feeling like 1950s suburbanite, h-e double hockey sticks. "It may seem like we have everything all together but right under the surface it's like we're being strangled." You don't say Australia's favorite Oscar victor. You don't say. 

I'd say (pun intended) that Holland is a director's pic if there ever was one, with helmer Mimi Cave committing to every shot even if her diegesis is about as stale as every 90s satire a la Kathleen Turner or some black comedy from decades ago starring Roseanne Barr. I mean do you want nuclear family noir or Stepford Wives avant-garde. I myself can't decide. "Great lakes okay times."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Black Bag 2025 * * Stars

FADE TO BLACK

"What's on the menu?" That's a good question, especially when maverick helmer Steven Soderbergh is coming out of his cinematic, Howard Hughes phase. 

Anyway every time I think Soderbergh has retired from directing, the dude just keeps nearing back, like Jason Voorhees, Chucky, or The Terminator. He's basically saying to his audience, "did you miss me?" So what's Stevie up to in 2025? Well he's almost on holiday making Black Bag, a pseudo thriller that's so compact, last-minute, and terse it might just wither away. 

I mean it, man this is "pretty thin" stuff (to quote Danny Glover's Roger Murtaugh). A slither of violence here, a small interrogation scene Clue-style there, a couple of flashbacks toward "Bag's" coda. You take away the brilliantly ominous music of David Holmes and Black Bag is basically an afternoon table read with some really good actors. It's also occasionally slick and uncharacteristically shiny by Soderbergh's routine standards. Yup, just think the opposite of his Traffic shot with a more spherical lens. 

93 minutes is the runtime of "Bag" and that's with credits, something about some SIS operatives who are being investigated for betraying the nation by leaking some top-secret, software application. Michael Fassbender, Cate Blanchett, and Naomie Harris star and even good old Pierce Brosnan rolls in for an extended cameo. Unfortunately they are trapped in a flick that feels more like a verbose short than a full-length feature. 

Black Bag (the title is referenced once in the first half-hour) is one talky SOB, and I wasn't quite sure what everyone was "talking" about. Because the film is so brief and ends so abruptly, you probably need multiple viewings to figure out the intentions of these deft, British intelligence officers. This is not for entertainment value mind you, it's for you know, the latter. Mixed "bag". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chelsea Handler: The Feeling 2025 * 1/2 Stars

ILL FEELING

Chelsea Handler is not really funny these days. She's just not. I mean maybe she once was about ten-plus years ago, on her celeb talk show or in that box office bomb This Means War as Reese Witherspoon's best bud Trish. Heck, I almost forgot about her threadbare existence until she showed up in 2025's commonly-directed comedy special, Chelsea Handler: The Feeling. Yup, I didn't chuckle or snort once mind you, prompting me to think "Chels, you should've left well enough alone." 

So yeah, do I think Chelsea Handler however is mildly attractive and/or aggressively astute? Oh fo sho. That sandy blonde hair, that decent, 5' 6" frame, that raspy voice, that potty mouth. Sure, why not. But do I think she can tell a joke, overcome a laugh track, or deliver a solid punchline? Nada, not in this lifetime. Uh, just because you spew the F-word, talk at full volume, embrace the fans of the LGBT, or get your self-centered on doesn't make you a legendary farceur, it just makes you reek of being pesky. Handler, well she could learn a lesson or two from stand-up sensation and gross out monger Nikki Glaser. Chelsea, yeah I'm talking to you, ditch the shiny outfit and not try so darn hard. Come on miss thang, embrace "the suck", for reals.  

Whether Handler's waxing on about auto-eroticism, possibly getting busy with the governor of New York, having uncomfortable coition, or the vacancy of her siblings with whom she obviously doesn't like, her "Feeling" meanders, goes off on tangents, and becomes downright unrelieved. I mean the woman isn't much of a storyteller, just a professional pie-eye-r who despite not being wasted, still seems to say whatever pops in her head. Now did I ultimately get "the feeling" in regards to Chelsea Handler: The Feeling? H-e double hockey sticks no!  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Novocaine 2025 * * * Stars

DON'T THINK DON'T WORRY EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE

"Oh my gosh, you're a superhero". That's right boys and girls, eat your heart out Mr. Fantastic. 

Anyway 2025's Novocaine is about a main character who can't feel pain. So hey, why not make it one of the most barbaric and violent movies ever made. I mean Nathan "Novocaine" Caine (played by star in the making Jack Quaid) gets put through the almighty ringer here, battered, bucked, and bruised like some human pinata filled with ichor. "So what's your deal?" Uh, more like what's your deal bonebreaker? Natch.

Novocaine, well it puts the action comedy in action comedy, parading around like some warped B-movie playing at the kung-fu grindhouse. It's bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip then bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip. Rinse, rinse, repeat. Continued echo. "Hey bleep-hole, feel this!" Uh we feel ya Caine, boy do we feel ya. 

So yeah, as something about an assistant credit union manager who uses his special set of skills (and malady skills) to save his would-be girlfriend from the throes of some jag bank robbers, Novocaine is nearly the antitheses of being parlous and fraught with danger. Yup, it's the type of vehicle that has you squirming one minute and snorting the next, with its tongue clearly planted in cheek (or corn syrup-soaked cheek and just about everything else). 

Starring the likes of Quaid (mentioned earlier), Amber Midthunder, Ray Nicholson, and Spider-Man character actor monger Jacob Batalon, Novocaine carries a huge plot turn of events (which I won't mention) and about five or so endings where its black hats come at you relentlessly like The Terminator. The flick obviously doesn't have an A-list cast but its hook of mild-mannered dorko-s with a sense of badassery and CIPA to the hilt might carry it to ten years after cult status. Comfortably "numb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Twister: Caught in the Storm 2025 * * * Stars

TWISTER SISTER

"The worst thing that could happen". Well that would be a hardcore vortex of violent liquidation and neato cyclones. Poor Toto, his exterior terrier, and Uncle Henry didn't stand a chance. 

Anyway the flick I'm about to review starts off as a little pretentious, with interviews by some local yokels who think Joplin, Missouri's "you know what" doesn't stink. Then The Twister: Caught in the Storm kind of grows on you, like big-arse fungi as a toadstool, showing the devastation of tornadoes in a town of 51-plus thou. "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister!" Indeed. 

"Caught in the Storm", yeah it's shot mostly in MTV style, like watching Ridiculousness, Road Rules, or some antiquated version of Teen Mom. The film doesn't need no stinking middle-agers, numerous protective parents, or grandpappies, just a dozen or so millennials who seem punch-drunk just to get their 15 minutes of fame. 

Yeah there's archives from 2011 in the form of flashbacks, flash forward probes that are raw and unrestrained, and a burgh devastated by dust devils like Hurricane Katrina on steroids. The Twister: Caught in the Storm is a dense, documentary slice of Middle America, Americana. Rob Dyrdek rears his proverbial head while Mother Nature gets triumphed over. 

So is "Caught in the Storm" a masterpiece in the realm of desolation, docu dramedy? Uh, not quite my weather nerds. I mean why should Joplin, MO get all the sentimental love when so many other places have been torched by the throes of nasty, freewheeling tempests (I live in Illinois so the funnel clouds of Washington come to mind). And is The Twister: Caught in the Storm edited crisply and storyboard-ed to maximum effect? Oh fo sho. Director Alexandra Lacy is stealth in gradually delivering the trauma even if she's stuck in pop-cultured, grungy 90s residuum. "Storm" trooper.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Delicious 2025 * * Stars

"YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"

2025's Delicious is a director's movie if there ever was one. It's modus operandi over substance. It's style over pith. I mean what was that line from a certain 60s biopic from thirty-plus years ago? Ah yes, "you want your creative activity spoon-fed to ya?" Pun so intended.  

Anyway Delicious is about cannibalism and bad espousals and taking in total strangers and seeing what human flesh looks like in prime rib form (yikes). The title, well it pretty much says it all for at least the last 15 minutes (give or take). A rich family with the personalities of pet rocks befriend a young, injured woman and let her live in their swank vacation home. Chaos and tension gradually ensue (as they always do).  

Starring the likes of Carla Diaz, Valerie Pachner, Sina Martens, and Fahri Yardim and made about two years ago in well-to-do-cultured France, Delicious seems like the art film to be the be-all, end-all of all art films. Um, I'm not sure if that's a good thing mind you. Helmer Nele Mueller Stofen commits to every shot whether it be a rinse, repeat of wide likenesses, longs, and overheads. She seems to be channeling her inner Kubrick and/or Wes Anderson but forgot that story, character development, and a little rapidity matter too. 

The diegesis of Delicious, well it literally doesn't unfold until the late part of the third act. And Volker Bertelmann's stirring musical score can only do so much to heighten what little impetus Delicious possesses. The actors give decent performances when they're not pregnant pausing and Provence seems like a darn nice place to visit. But when a pic comes off more as a series of priceless paintings clicked over on a slide show than actual celluloid, it's probably not worth reaching its cinematic Waterloo. Bitter "taste". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chaos: The Manson Murders 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MURDERS HE WROTE

"Manson became exactly what the CIA was trying to create". That's a darn scary thought I've never even heard about. Man I've lived a pretty sheltered life. 

So OK, I never thought I would revisit the catacombs of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood again, an adapted refresher about Charles Milles Manson and his minions hanging out at some dude ranch outside of sunny LA. But here it is ladies and gents, an actual documentary involving America's most notorious cult leader and his foray into the Tate-LaBianca killings circa 1969. 

Chaos: The Manson Murders, well it's said docu, a sort of acid trip incubus that rounds out to an untidy 95 minutes. A hallucinatory image here, an archive done microfilm-style there, interviews from writers I've never heard of everywhere, a split screen. Yeah "Chaos" is just good enough to keep the viewer totally beguiled and drunk in. With rather raw confabs between the warped Manson and his straight-faced journalists, the pic is above the cinematic Mendoza line when it comes to all things transmission. 

So um, what keeps Chaos: The Manson Murders from reaching adaptation glory greatness? Well it's veteran helmer Errol Morris and the way he puts things together (or doesn't put things together). I mean "Chaos" is well-directed from a style standpoint but it's also oddly tangled from an editing slant. Instead of concentrating on Charley boy, his mind control, his murderous intent, his hyperactive psychopathy, and his stint as Beach Boys buddy monger, Morris waxes mostly about the late 1960s instead, you know, social norms and civil rights and psychedelics, yada yada. His adroitness mostly wanders giving "Chaos" a viewing experience that is rather gallivanting. "When a story did start to emerge, it was managed very carefully". Are you sure about that Errol? Are you bro? Primordial "chaos". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Squad 36 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

AMBIVALENT OUTFIT

2025's Squad 36 is like a form of mild noir. I mean it's a little too modern day to take place in the 1950s but it does have the gumption to be a film about investigations into the conch of professional murders. Its lead (Victor Belmondo as Antoine Cerda) wanders "36's" French landscape like he's Columbo and/or Philip Marlowe, asking questions with his mediocre-dubbed voice, his near-wooden acting, and his surprisingly searing screen presence. Belmondo, well he appears and shifts like a younger version of a droopy-eyed former Beatle (what you say?). He's in nearly every frame for better or worse. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Squad 36 is a bit of a slog, a flick that's 30 minutes longer than it should have been. Lots of characters, a few subplots, a lot of slickness. Yeah "36" probably needed a different editor to wade through all this 2-hour-plus hodgepodge. But hey, at least Squad 36's director (Oliver Marchal) is going for a thinking man's thriller as opposed to some mindless actioner starring Thomas Jane and former paycheck monger Bruce Willis (for example). "36", yup it's about a scrappy cop who goes rogue, trying to inspect the deaths of his workmates through off-duty, detective toil. 

All in all, Squad 36 has got streamlined direction, a nice techno soundtrack, some adequate Paris locales, and a certain level of atmospherics. The problem is it's a little too disjointed for its own good. I mean you go back to the pic's elongated running time (124 minutes) and think, "is this some sort of rough cut with a tacked on ending just for kicks and giggles?" Add some unknown troupers with unsung names (Juliette Dol, Yvan Attal), some random shootout clips that are on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet (pun intended) and you have a well-intention-ed yet mixed review from me. Odd "squad". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wrong Track 2025 * * Stars

OFF TRACK

Manipulative, suggestive, mean-spirited, and recherche sports-related, 2025's The Wrong Track makes a movie like '85's American Flyers seem well, surprisingly tame. It's about cross-country skiing competitions set to lush forestry and frozen water, vapor-covered elevations, a long shot here, an overhead shot there, a wide, some full-frontal nudity (what?). Man I wish I knew what made "Track's" director (Hallvar Witzo) really tick. I mean he's been in the game for 15 years now and I've never heard of any of his swipe. "Can't we try to put all this aside for now?" Sorry, no can do my friend. 

Filmed in snowy Europe (I'm thinking) and featuring some poor dubbing courtesy of good old Netflix (it's their thing now), The Wrong Track is a pic that doesn't know what it wants to be, kind of like a broke twentysomething that's young and dumb and straight out of trade school. I mean is it a romantic drama, a dog-eat-dog, pastime endeavor, a Jake Kasden wannabe, or a dry-humored comedy with thick English accents? That remains to be seen. "Are you out of your mind?" No. Only if I have to glide without going downhill, for hours on end, and forgoing the use of lifts. Ugh!

So yeah, a vehicle about classic ski style originating in Nordic countries doesn't seem like the sexiest thing to ever be put on celluloid. No wonder helmer Witzo had to intersperse "Track" with dramedy, wee and poop jokes, a little whoopee, boring Skiroute-s, and shards of innuendo. Talk about a slippery slope (pun intended). I mean if you think a sad sack, unemployed divorced woman (Ada Elde as Emilie) finishing last in a ski race to appease her fam is a cinematic revelation then more power to you. I'm sure there's a feel good moment there buried beneath the shine of fresh powder. Proved me "wrong".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode 2025 * 1/2 Stars

MOTHER GOOSED

I really can't stand it when a comedy special shows up on Netflix and it's a comedian I've never heard of, acting ostentatious, mugging to the audience, and feeling the need to wait for someone to laugh at him or her. At 54 minutes, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode is that comedy special, a rather generically-filmed snippet where a sort of forced laugh track has seamlessly been inserted (I could be wrong but it sure felt that way). 

So yeah, I'm not saying Rosebud is dead in the water because she does have attributes, just not in the realm of being humorous. I mean she's attractive, she's got screen presence, she has a nice raspy voice, she managed to pick the right Rodney Dangerfield milieu, and the girl can hurl the F-word like nobody's business. It's just that I didn't giggle at all during "Mother Lode", probably because I was comparing Baker to another potty-mouthed chick, that being Ohio's favorite farceur and blonde hot mess, Nikki Glaser. Um, at least Nikki makes you laugh nervously while being offended by her whole affronting, kit and caboodle. Believe that. 

Cincinnati-born funny-women and profanity-laden stand-ups aside, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode was filmed in New York City and edited to the point where some parts show Rosebud 8 months pregnant and other parts show she's just recovering from having a little tyke. Yeah, it wasn't really groundbreaking even though it felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. Whether Baker is waxing on life as a Republican, dealing with her hubby (who's also a tummler), rambling about the downside of relations, being the poor man's Glaser, or recalling having ye olde bun in the oven, "Mother Lode" is just non-zany noise and not worthy of being set free to the masses. "Comstock lode". 

Written by Jesse Burleson