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Sunday, June 25, 2017

47 Meters Down 2017 * * * Stars

47 Meters DownDirector: Johannes Roberts
Year: 2017
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Mandy Moore, Claire Holt, Matthew Modine

There's a scene in Jaws where Richard Dreyfuss is fending off a great white from a shark-proof cage. 47 Meters Down (my latest review) takes that same scene and stretches it out for almost ninety minutes. The difference with "47" is that the waters are much darker, the shark appearances are a given, the cage is at the bottom of the ocean, and there are multiple sharks. Oh and "47's" ending is one of false hope and implausible triumph. If you've seen 2005's The Descent, you'll know what I'm talking about.

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Truth be told, there have been countless ripoffs and imitators since Jaws hit theaters over forty years ago. 47 Meters Down isn't quite a masterpiece but it's probably the best Jaws mimic of all time. "47" is heads and tails above stuff like Deep Blue Sea, Shark Night, and The Shallows (you can even throw in the Jaws sequels too).

Yeah there are times when this film is systematic. Nasty sharks and a mangled, human body seem to come in on cue (it's for shock value and negates a level of obviousness). Also, the cage in "47" is lowered and brought up with its rope line snapping twice (come in). Finally, Matthew Modine (he plays Captain Taylor) gives the two girls trapped below, instructions on how to survive. It's monotone, not very dramatic, and it feels as if his lines are being fed to him by the director (Brit Johannes Roberts).

Image result for 47 meters down movie scenesDespite these shortcomings, I'm still recommending 47 Meters Down. Its modern soundtrack pounces in during the scary moments and the film contains a healthy level of primal fear and primeval instinct. The strongest aspect of "47" is star Mandy Moore. She plays Lisa, a woman who gets dumped by her boyfriend and then ventures to Mexico with her sister (Kate played by Claire Holt). They decide to go cage diving with sharks and get more than they bargained for. Moore's performance is unassuming, raw, and contains a heightened measure of trepidation. You can't even tell that she's acting (and for the record, I thought Mandy retired from appearing in movies altogether).

Watch for a clip where Moore's Lisa has her leg bloodied and caught under the cage. She's running out of oxygen and has to find a way to bring the extra oxygen tank to her. This sequence and a couple of other sequences, are equal parts manifest and terrifying. As an audience member, your heart will be racing. My rating for 47 Meters Down: A "biting" 3 stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Rough Night 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

Rough NightDirector: Lucia Aniello
Year: 2017
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Scarlett Johansson, Kate McKinnon, Jillian Bell

Jess (played by Scarlett Johansson who was better than I thought she'd be) is getting married soon. Her friends from college decide to plan a debauchery getaway for her in Miami, Florida. They party hard on their first night in the Magic City by hitting a club, snorting some cocaine, and getting real drunk. They then head back to their vacation home. While at said home, the five women hire a stripper and accidentally kill him. Oops!

That's the gist of Rough Night, my latest review. Modeling the female version of movies like The Hangover, Very Bad Things, and Weekend at Bernie's, "Night" has a few laughs and even trudges slightly into black comedy territory. My reason for a mixed rating however, is simple: Rough Night isn't as dark or risk-taking as "Things" and it isn't as funny as "Hangover". As for "Bernie's", well "Night" only hints at the mocking of a dead body during a couple of scenes in the trailer. Those scenes were obviously left on the cutting room floor.

Image result for Rough night movie scenesDistributed by Columbia Pictures and clocking in at just over 100 minutes, Rough Night is standard yet shoddily directed by Lucia Aniello (this is her feature film debut). She provides "Night" with the usual shtick for a hard, R-rated endeavor. There's some drug references (and drug use), some heavy sexual innuendo, and some vulgar, unladylike language. Some of the material sticks and some of it awkwardly bounces off.

As for Aniello's group of actresses (Zoe Kravitz, Jillian Bell, and Kate McKinnon to name three), well they're stiff at first but then gel together with variably decent chemistry. This is despite some real odd casting choices in the form of Johansson (mentioned earlier) as a woman running for state senate and Demi Moore as one half of a neighboring, swinging couple.

Strangely, the most humorous sequences in Rough Night involve Jess's fiance named Peter (played by Paul W. Downs). He thinks she doesn't want to marry him anymore so he quickly drives straight from Washington D.C. to Miami in a diaper (just revert back to that astronaut story with Lisa Nowak in 2007). This is all done to win Jess back (talk about bad miscommunication).

Image result for Rough night movie scenesIn conclusion, if I had to decipher the biggest flaw in "Night", it would be the ending. I won't give anything away but it feels as though the screenwriters ran out of ideas, threw in a regimented twist, and abruptly copped out on real-life culminations (the five friends could never fully get away with what they did). Talk about borderline hackwork. Overall, Rough Night gets two and a half stars from this critic. It could serve as a harmless rental when it eventually comes out on DVD.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Sunday, June 18, 2017

The Mummy 2017 * * Stars

The MummyDirector: Alex Kurtzman
Year: 2017
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Jake Johnson

Here is what might have went down during a meeting between some people involved with 2017's The Mummy:

Alex Kurtzman (director): Guys, I appreciate the opportunity to direct a reboot of The Mummy franchise. I've only made one film and it was a little-known drama but trust me, I'm ready to go the fantasy/thriller route.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: That's the spirit Alex. We are with you 100%.

Chris Morgan (producer): Wait. I'm not 100% on board with this thing. Those Mummy movies with Brendan Fraser weren't that great to begin with.

Kurtzman: True, but I have Mr. Tom Cruise as my lead. He'll guarantee a box office hit. We'll put him through the ringer. He'll get his butt beat to a pulp and then he'll get right back up again. Of course we'll have to add a little bloody makeup to his face.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Cruise is dope.

Morgan: I disagree. He was a box office champ maybe 15 years ago. I mean isn't he a bit long in the tooth? And let's face it, won't he be labeled as miscast here? Cruise has never really done anything like this before. This ain't Top Gun the mummy version people.

Kurtzman: He's Cruise and he's still a reliable movie star. As for his appearance, well he doesn't look 54 since he's been dyeing his hair.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: That should help since his female romantic interest is about 20 years younger than he is.

Kurtzman: Oh and Tommy boy saw 1932's The Mummy as a kid. He was inspired by it and showed interest in coming on board.

Morgan: I don't know guys. This might come back to bite us on the butt.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Chris, it's all good. We have $125 million in special effects and the PG-13 crowd will have their eyes popping out of their heads. Oh yeah, and we're gonna make sure Cruise is running for his life like usual. Plus, Russell Crowe is on board as an Uber-villain. Alex, make sure we have Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe getting down and dirty in a fight scene.

Image result for the mummy 2017 movie scenesKurtzman: You know it. I'll also be sure to add an epic, Cruise-like plane crash as well. Cruise is gangster doing his own stunts.

Morgan: What about the script? I heard we're using three writers. Isn't that a bad omen in Hollywood?

Kurtzman: We'll be fine. Cruise's screen presence is decent even though his acting has been paperweight ever since Magnolia. And wait till you see the CGI we're throwing down. I'm talking camel spiders, rats, and crotchety zombies. A summer 2017 release will certainly help.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Oh I forgot to tell you guys that Jake Johnson is being added to the cast. He is Cruise's comic foil and sidekick. Jake is excited.

Kurtzman: He was funny in Let's Be Cops.

Morgan: I think he's a little bland. I saw his Drinking Buddies and that film really stunk up the joint. What if he's labeled as miscast too?

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Chris, you sure are in a negative frame of mind. We're solid bro. Trust me.

Morgan: Fine. So what is this new Mummy reboot gonna replicate? Are we going for a tongue-in-cheek Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Kurtzman: Exactly.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Yup.

Chris Morgan: Sh*t. Okay, here we go. Let's make a freaking movie.

Rating: 2 stars.

Of note: My write-up for The Mummy is inspired by a review of Four Christmases via the late Roger Ebert. Check it out online. It's pretty funny.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Aftermath 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

AftermathDirector: Elliott Lester
Year: 2017
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scott McNairy, Maggie Grace

Aftermath seems like a decent title for my latest review. It readily shows the quote unquote "aftermath" of two people dealing with a plane crash in a discontented winter. It starts off as absorbing. Then, it folds like a misconstrued hand at a poker game. Aftermath is movie "sitz bath".

Distributed by Lionsgate Premiere and based on a true account via a mid-air collision, Aftermath puts everything out there at a budget of $10 million. Perhaps if said budget were a little higher, director Elliott Lester would have detailed the wreckage more like Robert Zemeckis did in Flight or Clint Eastwood did in Sully. Regardless, he interrupts Aftermath to show a few 747's gliding distantly in the sky. It's probably Lester's only play and the obviousness is there to remind us.

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Anyway, Aftermath's intrigue dons plot holes and puts the main characters in the forefront. The result is concise yet almost too concise. On the bright side, this conch does have a distinctive thread for a limited release film. The story involves a grizzled-up construction  worker who's about to be a grandfather. He then loses his wife and pregnant daughter in a plane accident. The air traffic controller assigned, had a mishap at work and that's what caused it all (271 people dead, ouch). Gradually, their sad narratives intertwine until they collide in two abrupt, sort of inessential conclusions. The second conclusion while surprising, hastily involves the air traffic controller's son.

Aftermath does have a few moments that are shattering. It's a manipulative dramatization, brought on by cynicism, unhappy resolves, and self-hatred. Lester relies heavily on a slow burn approach and does what he can. However, his flick while vaguely admirable, dissolves into paint-by-numbers material teetering on the edge of DVD premiere territory (which it almost is). The work from his two lead actors (Arnold Schwarzenegger and Scott McNairy) almost deems Aftermath to be recommendable.

Image result for aftermath 2017 movie scenesHarboring a silvery beard and a solemn look, Schwarzenegger pretty much tells the world he's done being an action hero. His range as a dramatic trouper has always been suspect but here he manages to offer a heartfelt and seething performance. As the tormented grandfather named Roman Melnik, he gives us his best turn since Total Recall. McNairy who was a bright spot in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, matches him as well. He blurs the lines of sanity and loneliness as the embattled air traffic controller named Jake Bonanos. They try hard but Aftermath with its lot of scheming disenchantment and its junctures fitting too nicely, doesn't quite do them a solid. Overall, a mixed review from me. Rating: 2 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Friday, June 9, 2017

Amityville Exorcism 2017 * 1/2 Stars

Amityville ExorcismDirector: Mark Polonia
Year: 2017
Rated NR
Rating: * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Marie DeLorenzo, Jeff Kirkendall, James Carolus

So yeah, director Mark Polonia has now lent his name to a low budget horror pic with fake, CGI flies. His latest being Amityville Exorcism, qualifies as one of 2017's most amateur offerings. Polonia is anxious here. He's always cutting away from telling his story. He'd rather show random images of ghastly figures, he'd rather channel rock gods White Zombie, and he'd rather get his Nine Inch Nails video fix. It's all so confusing, atmospheric-free, and totally hackneyed.

Anyway, "Exorcism" (my latest review) is the 18th installment in the Amityville franchise. I haven't seen most of these films but I know for a fact that Amityville Exorcism is so far gone from being tied to 1979's original (titled The Amityville Horror). You don't even get a glimpse of "Horror's" famed house on 112 Ocean Lane (in Long Island, NY). I mean yeah it's featured on the movie poster but that's about it (I'm thinking the filmmakers and producers had no pull and no reliable permits).

Image result for amityville exorcism movie scenesMade with troupers who obviously won the Hollywood lottery, green-lit with the tone of blackmailing, featuring an implausible binge drinking scene, and giving off a whiff of a rejected student film, "Exorcism" has a plot element that's as old as dirt. A young woman gets possessed and a priest must thrust the demons out of her. There's horrid acting, an opening credits sequence that feels like an 80's porno, some over-stylized direction, and a vibe of unintentional buffoonery. As far as the scare factor goes, well you'd have to be under some serious narcotics to get that effect (for the record, I don't endorse this).

In terms of originality, man Amityville Exorcism copies off movies good and bad. It's like a slack version of The Evil Dead with its roving camera movement, its evil cheesy soundtrack, and its demonic speak. It's also like 1981's Saturday the 14th with its creatures looking like their donning tacky Halloween costumes. Finally, "Exorcism" kinda rips off the final scene in The Exorcist. That was an actual masterpiece with a sense of foreboding. This is clearly not.

All in all, some might say that there's always room for another Amityville flick. After witnessing "Exorcism" with its straight to DVD release, its director who might have fell asleep at film school, and its neophyte cast who may never see their SAG pensions, I say go for it... NOT! Rating: 1 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson   

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Horse Dancer 2017 * * Stars

The Horse DancerDirector: Joel Paul Reisig
Year: 2017
Rated G
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Richard Karn, Jason London, Sophie Bolen

Samantha Wick (played by 17-year-old Sophie Bolen) is a talented and young, American gymnast. She's also standoffish with a defensive personality. After getting cut from the U.S. Olympic team, her ailing grandmother pays for her to go to a horseback riding camp. When said campsite falls into financial turmoil, Samantha uses her notoriety and equestrian vaulting skills to attract more students and save the entire program.

That's the gist of The Horse Dancer, my latest review. Shot on location at Black River Farm & Ranch (in Cromwell, Michigan), it definitely has production values to boot. On the flip side, "Dancer" is also creepily childlike. And within its first forty-five minutes, you might see shades of the worst screen offering via 2017.

With G rating and nearly two-hour running time intact, The Horse Dancer at times plays off like an inexpert student film. It contains novice, wooden acting by almost everyone involved and a Muzak soundtrack that may make you cringe indelibly. I suppose without troupers Jason London (Dazed and Confused) and Richard Karn (of TVs Home Improvement) in supporting roles, this flick wouldn't even have the chance to get green-lighted.

Image result for The horse dancer jason londonHelmer Joel Paul Reisig does improve on "Dancer's" second half by settling in and giving it a more dramatic feel. And his direction although all over the place, still comes off as enthusiastic and somewhat authentic. Unfortunately, it's all too little, too late. And it can't compensate for what I mentioned in the last two paragraphs. Not by a long shot.

Parents who are able to sit through most G-rated films, might find The Horse Dancer to be a little tasking with its cramped dialogue exchanges and its overly lily-white nature. As for the kiddies, well they may embrace it depending on their non-animated attention spans and their tolerance for a mostly unlikable main character (her antagonistic counselor rival is no prize either). Overall, a mixed review from me.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Everything, Everything 2017 * * Stars

Everything, EverythingDirector: Stella Meghie
Year: 2017
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Amandla Stenberg, Nick Robinson, Anika Noni Rose

Everything, Everything is my latest review. Based on a novel, this vehicle comes to us in the tradition of stuff like Crystal Heart and 1976's TV drama, The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

"Everything" is sometimes sappy and a little cringe-worthy in terms of its boy-meets-girl confrontations. There are lots of hand waves, googly eyes, and uncomfortable silences to boot. On the bright side, the leads are attractive, appealing, and somewhat innocent. And with a running time of 97 minutes, Everything, Everything is also a decent movie in terms of its look. Cinematographer Igor Jadue-Lillo gives us gleaming shots of Mexico and British Columbia. They masquerade for parts of Southern California and Eco-friendly Hawaii (heck, I couldn't even tell the difference).

Image result for everything everything movie scenes 2017Distributed by Warner Bros. and veering into Bille Woodruff territory, "Everything" chronicles eighteen-year-old Maddy Whittier (played by Amandla Stenberg). Maddy suffers from severe combined immunodeficiency (or does she). Whittier can't leave her house because any exposure to germs, viruses, or unfiltered air could result in death. While in permanent home confinement, Maddy spots her next door neighbor named Olly Bright (played by Nick Robinson). They form an inching relationship and eventually fall in love. This is all in spite of Maddy's deafening condition and the overbearing nature of her doctor mother (Pauline Whittier played by Anika Noni Rose).

While Crystal Heart and "Bubble" (both mentioned earlier) adhere to conventional methods of storytelling and nostalgic 70s/80s feel, Everything, Everything tries almost too hard to wow the audience member. Director Stella Meghie (this is her second feature film) deviates from normal plot threads. She uses dream sequences, fantasy elements, improbable character situations, and overly cutesy moments (between Maddy and Olly) to keep her film moving. This equates to a weird, less than compelling, and often uneven viewing experience. Meghie has the tools to someday be more experienced in her dramatic craft. Here, she doesn't quite reach tearjerker status. Based on the type of material presented, that's what I was going for. Rating: 2 stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Monday, May 29, 2017

Baywatch 2017 * 1/2 Stars

BaywatchDirector: Seth Gordon
Year: 2017
Rated R
Rating: * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario

Have you heard? It's a trend. First with March's CHiPs and now with Baywatch (my latest review). Yeah I'm talking about two hard, R-rated comedies that have almost nothing to do with the television shows they are based on.

Baywatch, with its banal outtakes and self-satisfaction at the end credits, is basically CHiPs but with a little less vulgarity. Both flicks have cameos from their former series stars, both have visible penis gags, and yup, both films are pretty freaking stupid. The cheesy, opening titles sequence says "with Pamela Anderson" but she has about five seconds of screen time (and a little reconstruction to boot). Then it says "and David Hasselhoff". He makes a slightly better impression. Hey, at least Dave's not appearing drunk on YouTube with double cheeseburger in hand (ha-ha).

Related imageAnyway, Baywatch the movie is not really predicated on saving lives in the water. It's more like a jovial Miami Vice episode by which the tanned lifeguards uncover a criminal operation involving hard drugs. I guess that makes sense. Otherwise, there would be nothing gravitating to fuel Baywatch's surprisingly long, 116-minute running time.

In between leads Zac Efron and Dwayne Johnson flexing their jagged abs (Efron is clearly headed towards appearing in this kind of piffle forever), you get flagrant jokes and innuendos that just fall flat. Listen, I like stupid humor and grossness if it actually makes me laugh. With Baywatch, I only chuckled once. Talk about slack writing with the addition of passive character development by Mark Swift and Damian Shannon (as a pair, they mostly pen horror films).

Image result for Baywatch 2017 movie scenesIn conclusion, if you decide to view Baywatch, you'll get clips involving slimy corpse drippings and full frontal nudity in a morgue. Also, you'll experience an abundance of slow-motion running (of course), incredibly fake CGI fire in a rescue scene, plenty of annoying hip hop tunes as background music, and a main villain that clearly looks like a Kardashian (ugh). In truth, 2004's Starsky and Hutch and 21 Jump Street are films based on TV shows that did it better and with more jocular tones. See them instead. Bottom line: Don't make an effort to "watch" Baywatch. Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Snatched 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

SnatchedDirector: Jonathan Levine
Year: 2017
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Amy Schumer, Goldie Hawn, Ike Barinholtz

2017's Snatched is my latest review. It has Goldie Hawn doing decent work with her first film in 15 years. It also has Amy Schumer channeling well, Amy Schumer. This movie feels like Romancing the Stone minus a feasible account, a wooing subplot, and an ounce of integrity. Within its 97-minute running time, Snatched still provided me with a few guffaws along the way.

The story goes like this: Emily Middleton (Schumer) loses her job at a clothing store and then gets dumped by her rocker boyfriend. She was going to vacation in Ecuador with him but winds up taking her mother instead (Linda Middleton played by Hawn). Chaos ensues when mom and daughter touchdown in South America only to be kidnapped by some bad dudes and then held for ransom.

Image result for snatched movie scenesWith a tighter screenplay and less improvisation, Snatched might have worked entirely. What's mostly on screen however, is an uneven mixture of savagery and humor. You could almost call this flick a black comedy if it weren't so dumbed-down. Hawn and Schumer are in so much peril, you don't know whether you should laugh at them, laugh with them, or heinously fear for their lives. And as I mentioned earlier, Snatched doesn't have much of a plot either. You can't really figure out why Emily and Linda are being abducted, you don't know much about their captors, and you don't really know what said captors do within their criminal operation.

Basically, Snatched is hit-or-miss. It either has nastily violent moments that feel out of place or stupid funny moments you surrender to. Oddly, the supporting players participating in the stupid fun are the parts that made me chuckle the most. Ike Barinholtz playing Schumer's character's brother, is a hoot. Ike is like the ultimate portrait of a cinematic goofball. In truth, he has a comedic style all his own. Then, there's the cameo at the beginning of Snatched involving Emily's boyfriend (played by up-and-comer Randall Park). It's the funniest bit in this thing and one of the best breakup scenes ever. Finally, there's Joan Cusack portraying without any lines, a tumbling vacationer who helps Schumer and Hawn's troupers escape the kidnappers. She's hilarious as someone specializing in black ops and I'm pretty sure she had her own stunt double on set. Natch.

Image result for snatched movie scenesAll in all, the segments with Barinholtz, Park, and Cusack are sadly scattered. They don't cause you to dislike Goldie and Amy. They just make you salivate for something better. As for Jonathan Levine's footloose direction in Snatched, well it's better than the lumpy script presented. Bottom line: You'll laugh a few times but in hindsight, Snatched is a little too "detached". Rating: 2 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Monday, May 22, 2017

Alien: Covenant 2017 * * Stars

Alien: CovenantDirector: Ridley Scott
Year: 2017
Rated R
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup

Did you hear the news? With Alien: Covenant, director Ridley Scott has been cloned and has gone Hollywood! Either that or the studio execs at 20th Century Fox bullied his film, finagled the final cut, and tried to re-release The Descent.

"Covenant" (my latest review) is the sixth installment in the ever-popular Alien franchise. As most critics (including this one) have noted, it's a stronger flick than Alien: Resurrection and 1992's Alien 3. Sadly, that's not saying much considering those sequels are not watchable to begin with.

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From 1979 till present day, Alien: Covenant has allowed Scott to one up the grossly, blood and guts factor. Also, he has been able to improve on certain special effects with his nasty species moving faster than ever (you actually view an alien kill in full detail). What "Covenant" lacks unfortunately, is feeling. Heck, it's so anti-climatic and clunky. Every time you think suspense is about to build with exploding stomachs or massive firepower, Ridley Scott brings Alien: Covenant to a screeching halt with Michael Fassbender (in dual roles) lamenting on the events of "Covenant's" prequel, Prometheus.

Regrettably, Alien: Covenant dismisses what made the first two installments so legendary. Gone is the haunting, horror film feel of '79's Alien. Gone is the rocketing, foot soldier aspect of 1986's Aliens. Finally, gone is James Horner and Jerry Goldsmith's stirring musical scores from both films.

In terms of the actors and their characters, it just gets worse. In place of Lance Henriksen, Yaphet Kotto, and the late Bill Paxton, "Covenant" gives us a miscast Billy Crudup, comedian Danny McBride, and a wooden Demian Bichir. In place of heroine Sigourney Weaver, well Alien: Covenant brings forth an admirable yet second-tier Katherine Waterston (Steve Jobs, 2013's Night Moves). The ship computer Mother still exists but yeah, things just aren't the same.

Image result for alien covenant 2017 movie scenesAll in all, "Covenant" has what no other Alien film possesses and that's a twist ending. It also gives us the famed horror cliche in which you have sex and then poof, you die. These are nifty attributes but they don't quite hold enough interest. You're better off seeing March's Life starring Jake Gyllenhaal. That vehicle was a blatant Alien ripoff but it's still better than what's going on here. My rating: A mixed two stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson