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Saturday, January 23, 2021

The Husband 2019 * * * 1/2 Stars

FOR WORSE BUT BETTER

"Yeah he's seriously evil". Yup, Gumby-ed stepdads in movies can get that way. That's especially evident when cyanide, power of attorney, and life insurance policies are involved. "Seriously", you need to check out 2019's The Husband. It's frustrating, calculating, and "hubby" bubbled.

Featuring one of the great villains in the history of TV vehicles, a PSA on identity theft, and raw performances from everyone involved, "Husband" secures its place as one the best entries in the over-churning, Lifetime Network canon. 

Inspired by stuff like The Stepfather, 2001's Domestic Disturbance, or even an old school version of a Forensic Files episode, "Husband" is a suffocating thriller about a woman who marries a psycho that is set up by her daughter (oops). Talk about poor judgement by an astute eighteen-year-old who's on the college outs. 

"Husband" while risible, builds tension with every careful inch and makes every cinematic girl dad cliche its own. You have the teenager that eventually disapproves of mama bear's other half, the wife that's oblivious to the concept of evil, the cops who are on autopilot, and the accidental death of someone falling down the stairs. Somehow The Husband still manages to make it all feel fresh, re-inventive, and engaging. Add modern day social media as a plot device, a realtor hook, and a setting that's sterile and suburban and you've got something nastily special. My rating: A "consorted" 3 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson  

Wednesday, January 20, 2021

The Wrong Mr. Right 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

HERE'S ANOTHER "WRONG" THAT ALMOST GETS IT "RIGHT"

"Looks like you picked the wrong Mr. Right". You go Vivica! Vivica A. Fox gets to say her umpteenth "Wrong" Lifetime line in 2021's The Wrong Mr. Right. David DeCoteau is of course, the director and he churns out "Wrong" Lifetime flicks faster than Joey Chestnut at an eating contest. 

The Wrong Mr. Right was released in January of this year and features Eric Roberts in a cameo as a snide private investigator. DeCoteau uses Roberts and other Lifetime regulars in a film that has less plot holes while unfolding a little better than most "Wrong" vehicles. He starts "Mr. Right" from the middle as there's no courtship between the main characters or initial development with said characters. Just think a feasible yet less effective version of last year's The Wrong Stepfather (or The Stepfather from 2009).  

Watching "Mr. Right", you know that certain people are eventually going to get whacked by the antagonist (the question is who). You also know that those people will never get justice for being killed because the po-po don't seem to wanna investigate their disappearance.

Starring the beautiful Krista Allen, the miscast Anna Marie Dobbins (she seems a little old to be a college student), and the miscast Rib Hillis (he doesn't seem menacing enough to be the villain), The Wrong Mr. Right is just what it says it is. It's about a woman named Tracy (Allen) who has a new boyfriend named Paul (Hillis). Paul is shady and Tracy doesn't know it yet. It's up to Tracy's daughter Jessica (Dobbins) to inform her that Paul is a scammer or possibly something worse (like a murderer, duh).  

Here's the thing: I hate it when the bad guys don't get caught at the end of these "Wrong" Lifetime pics. I also hate it when they dispatch people on the side and are never arrested or brought in for questioning. Give me a better diegesis and I'll give you a rating that's not again mixed. "Righty-right".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Sunday, January 17, 2021

2067 2020 * * * Stars

2067 IS SO LAST "YEAR"

"You may be humanity's only chance". Oh boy. That's a lot of unwanted pressure. When you get a "chance", seek out 2067. It's time continuum continued and yup, it's my latest review.

Anywho, 2067 is a flux-capacitor-ed, sci-fi-er that occasionally stimulates the brain and shatters the Atman. As something about a man who transports himself into the future to save Earth from its unbreathable air, 2067 is thinking man's science fiction for the ready-made anoraks. The film feels dutifully relevant and fathomable in these quote unquote, "trying times".

So OK, I've never seen a sci-fi endeavor quite like 2067. It announces itself as an unflinching character study and dystopian doppler within the first act. Sans any relentless action, souped-up laser guns, or gross bloodletting, 2067 is populated by raw performances, scenes of dramatic heft, numerous flashbacks, and a lead that looks like a cross between Andrew Garfield, DJ Qualls, and The Verve's Richard Ashcroft. 2067 is fiddly, fervid, and dialogue-driven, like a production-ed play I tell you.

Granted, 2067 has unknown actors, Syfy channel remnants, a recycled screenplay, and a low-budgeted feel (but not too low). Still, the intentions are good and plenty here. Bottom line: If you've taken in Blade Runner, 2001: A Space Odyssey, or 2013's Oblivion one too many times, then check out 2067 as an alternative watch. Heck, it might gain a fated following (no futuristic pun intended).

Written by Jesse Burleson

Thursday, January 14, 2021

The Wrong Fiance 2021 * * Stars

THE WRONG FIANCE IS A MIXED "MARRIAGE"

The phrase "I'm calling the police" gets said a lot in The Wrong Fiance. And at the end of "Fiance", Vivica A. Fox gets to spout her infamous "wrong" Lifetime line as well. 

Anyway, The Wrong Fiance sans buildup, starts in the middle, and features an antagonist that is crazy man psycho right off the bat. Said antagonist even has another girl pal on the side whom he treats like dirt. This dude is masculine, robotic, haughty, and alpha in the worst way.

"Finance" also has its share of Lifetime cliches (that's the film's distributor). You got the stalker Lifetime scenes where the bad guy hides somewhere while sporting a dark-hooded sweatshirt. You got the best friend/co-worker who acts as a life coach or an overbearing girly buddy. Finally, you got the obligatory, villainous kills where the victims confront the baddie knowing that in mere seconds, they're gonna get whacked. 

Featuring a scene where the damsel flees the killer by going in another room instead of leaving her home and having a cop character who looks like the poor man's Chad Everett (it's the mustache I tell you), "Fiance" is about a woman named Abby (played by Lifetime regular Jessica Morris). Abby is sent out of town on a job assignment so that she can get away from her cuckoo ex-fiance Richard (played by another Lifetime reg in the form of Jason-Shane Scott). Little does Abby realize that Richard knows where she's at and plans on voyeuristic-ally toying with her for the next 60 minutes of running time (remember that hit song by Sting's band circa 1983?).

All in all, "Fiance's" director (David DeCoteau) sure likes to plan things out when it comes to these deja vu Lifetime flicks. He regurgitates the same outcomes, ploys, and themes from the past two years (we're talking over a dozen Lifetime-rs in that period of time). Not going out of his cinematic comfort zone while not trying anything new, Dave's in the "wrong" here and doesn't seem to wanna be "right".

Written by Jesse Burleson  

Monday, January 11, 2021

The War with Grandpa 2020 * 1/2 Stars

THE WAR WITH GRANDPA IS GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

The War with Grandpa is my latest review. It features movie icons Robert De Niro and Christopher Walken. Now is it a pseudo sequel to The Deer Hunter? Uh no. Is it stupid funny? Nope. Is it just stupid? Totally. 

Starring a cast of Oscar winners, Oscar nominees, and Emmy winners (De Niro, Walken, Uma Thurman, and Jane Seymour), "Grandpa" is a blind miscalculation as a comedy. It's obvious that everyone had fun making it whereas we as the audience didn't have a lot of fun watching it. Yup, De Niro's stirring turn in 2019's The Irishman seems like a lifetime away from this monstrosity.  

The War with Grandpa is directed by SpongeBob monger and Minnesota native Tim Hill. Feeling the need to create slapstick gags out of nowhere and just for the heck of it, Hill molds a puerile film that probably should've never been made ("Grandpa" was released three years after it was shot). 

Questions regarding certain scenes in "Grandpa": Why can't De Niro's character keep his pants on (he flashes his son-in-law twice)? Why can't De Niro's character just stay in the attic and fix it up (is it that hard to go downstairs and use the bathroom?)? Finally, why is De Niro's character's snotty grandson such a little punk? I mean if it wasn't for your granddaddy you wouldn't exist dude. 

The War with Grandpa has zero buildup and the barest bones of a plot (De Niro's character probably didn't need to move into his daughter's house in the first place). It's about an a 77-year-old man who inhabits his grandson's room with said grandson wanting it back because he thinks it's rightfully his. Chaos and pranks ensue with everyone involved acting mean-spirited, dumbfounded, aloof, and superficial. "Grandpa" is a "war" that's only won if people avoid viewing it. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Friday, January 8, 2021

The Wrong Real Estate Agent 2021 * 1/2 Stars

I WAS NOT "SOLD" ON THIS ONE

"Just be careful". People say that a lot in the film I'm about to review. OK I get it. I said I get it!

Anyway, it isn't a "Wrong" Lifetime movie unless there's a single mother whose husband left her or died. It isn't a "Wrong" Lifetime movie unless Vivica A. Fox says that infamous line (you know which one I'm talking about). It isn't a "Wrong" Lifetime movie unless there's that annoying best friend who's always giving binding advice. Finally, it isn't a "Wrong" Lifetime movie unless the antagonist gets away with multiple kills while the police seem patently dumbfounded.

The Wrong Real Estate Agent is my latest write-up. It's about a mom and her daughter who buy a house not knowing that the dude that sold them said house is a complete whack job. The whack job in question reveals himself to be disturbed and jittery right off the bat. It's amazing that the sussed damsel played by Vivica A. Fox didn't pick up on that earlier on.

"Agent" is directed by Lifetime enthusiast and veritable Lifetime lifer, David DeCoteau. Feeling like an overripe whodunit for the first 45 minutes, The Wrong Real Estate Agent features three totally off male characters in the form of a spastic ex-boyfriend, a weirdo next door neighbor, and an arrogant handy man. Sadly in the Lifetime world, no one has the capacity to just be freaking normal. 

Creep-o's begot, The Wrong Real Estate Agent changes it up by having Fox not play the obligatory high school principal or the snippy detective. It's a stretch but she stands out from all the hammy acting by everyone else. Overall, "Agent" is pure, trashy camp and it's a blueprint for every other Lifetime vehicle. It ain't that fine of "a piece of real estate". Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

American Dream 2021 * * * Stars

AMERICAN DREAM IS A WEIGHTY "NIGHTMARE"

"Everyday I don't have my money, add on 20%". Jeez-o-Pete. That interest sounds rather dicey to me. Everyday I decide not to write a review, I cave. I feel 20% bored.

So yeah, I liked American Dream but its ending left me a little tongue-tipped, a little falsely prospected, and edgy. I didn't know how to interpret it and I salivated for about five more minutes of pledged screen time. 

American Dream's story feeling like an LA Lifetime movie gone rogue, goes like this: Two earnest construction workers who want to be property owners, decide to make money off a guaranteed, lucrative project. They go to a Russian Mob worker for a loan and when said loan doesn't work out, chaos and stalker threat ensues. 

With a low budget feel, a minimal cast, a scorched Los Angeles setting, Coinstar remnants, and some curt bloodletting, "Dream" is a nasty thriller that's mysteriously billed as a portioned drama. Uh huh. I didn't know dramas had sawed-off body parts, attempted hangings, attempted rapes, and knuckled crushing-s. 

What the heck. American Dream is dark, dangerous, fringed, and effectively unsafe. This is all despite some choppy editing, a certain callowness, and an LAPD that could care less about what's going on. 

Nick Stahl co-stars in "Dream" as Russki mobster and pseudo apologetic businessman, Yuri (that's a familiar black hat name). Fresh from rehab, absent from the acting scene, and getting his Bully on twenty years later, the slick-haired Stahl plays a scumbag ruffian like nobody's business.   

All in all, if you want to start 2021 off with a punch to the gut and some labored breathing, then American Dream will sock it to you Houdini-style. Janusz Kaminski's deft direction, Duncan Brantley's lurid script, and Robert Foster's numbing score here make this compact, B-movie trope recommendable. Teamwork makes the "dream" work. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Monday, January 4, 2021

Christmas on Ice 2020 * * Stars

CHRISTMAS ON ICE IS A "SLIPPERY SLOPE"

Christmas on Ice is my latest review. It was released in October of this year and is distributed by Lifetime Television. Directed by TV movie auteur John Stimpson, "Ice" is a different kind of holiday helping from Lifetime. Gone is the googly-eyed stature by the pseudo romantic leads. Gone is all the muss and fuss about what are the best Xmas cookies. Finally, gone is the overindulgence of Christmas decor that seems to make every yuletide Lifetime swipe seem like a pop-up postcard. Yes "Ice" is more a drama in which a skating rink must be saved before a mayor decides to close it down. It's all about the bottom-line here (what business isn't about that bottom-line).  

So OK, Christmas on Ice has some poignant moments but there's not much at stake. The ending feels a little anti-climatic with every resolution tied up neatly in a big bow (no pun intended). Added to that, the characters lives are bubbled, the plot about the little people VS the corporate suits seems imposed, and there's still that Lifetime cliche about a single father who lost his wife a few years ago. Oh well. At least you still get into the holiday spirit as you somewhat surrender to "Ice". I mean what goes better with Christmastime than outdoor skating in Worcester, MA (the film's snug shooting location).

Overall, Christmas on Ice is watchable but it suffers occasionally due to its main persona name Courtney (played by former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader Abigail Klein). Klein channels Courtney as a somewhat standoffish young adult who's seamlessly bent on getting her way. She runs a skating rink that doesn't make any money yet she wonders why the powers that be are trying to take it away. Courtney also lives in a nice apartment, dresses accordingly, appears astute, and looks gorgeous. My questions for her are as follows: How does she pay her everyday bills? How does her rink stay open with its various expenses? Why won't she take a job that actually provides her with income? And what's with the sometimes snooty attitude Courtney? Next time try not to be so "Icy". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Friday, January 1, 2021

My Top Ten Movie Picks of 2020

1. Alone * * * 1/2 Stars

-Alone is one of this year's best. Feeling like Spielberg's Duel in which the antagonist actually talks, Alone's setting of lush, wet Oregon takes over as it becomes a swallowing co-star.

2. Rev * * * 1/2 Stars

-Rev is a glitz and glitter drama, a drug film with a twist, and an underground spectacle with a Mob feel. It begs the question of what if Gone in 60 Seconds or The Fast and the Furious were directed by Iranian Barbet Schroeder.

2. (tie) Heart of the Holidays * * * 1/2 Stars

-Heart of the Holidays has likable characters, unforced flash, plenty of holiday pluck, and slow-burning chemistry between its dewy-eyed stars (Vanessa Lengies and Corey Sevier who's also the director). "Heart" minus any adulterated innuendo or suggested dialogue, is like watching a G-rated tinsel version of 2002's Sweet Home Alabama.

3. The Way Back * * * 1/2 Stars

-Directed by the guy responsible for The Accountant (Gavin O'Connor), shot mainly in grainy close-ups, and featuring dreary, Southern California as anything but paradise, "Way Back" is the type of film you'd get if you threw Leaving Las Vegas, 2012's Flight, and The Bad News Bears into a cinematic blender.

4. Yusuf Hawkins: Storm Over Brooklyn * * * 1/2 Stars

-"Storm Over Brooklyn's" director (Muta Ali Muhammad) shoots the docu with careful style, attention to detail, and some verve. He inserts neighborhood overhead shots, grainy archive footage, and interviews by the denizens that lived through the incident (Al Sharpton, Yusuf's mother and brothers, former NYC Mayor David Dinkins). 

5. The Scheme * * * 1/2 Stars

-"Scheme's" director (Pat Kondelis) is well-versed in the telling of factual record. He shoots the docu with a raw and unfiltered feel. There are uncensored probes from everyone involved (Dawkins, his lawyer, his parents, various sports writers), slow-motion re-enactments, wiretapped conversations, and caught on camera deals. The film is packed with info so you have to pay attention as everything comes to a revelatory head at the end.

6. Capone * * * Stars

-As something about the final year of Al Capone's decrepit life, Capone is a nightmarish breadth of view and not your typical crime drama. Shot like a TV movie but lush and gaping in its tone, Capone doesn't care whether or not you embrace its fever dream vision.

7. Unhinged * * * Stars

-Unhinged is depressing, merciless, desperate, and savage. It's probably the wrong movie for 2020 but I saw it anyway. Directed by a guy looking to upset the viewer while making no apologies (German Derrick Borte), Unhinged is just as much a thriller as it is a snuff horror film. If it didn't have the power to make me effectively squirm and question my morals, I would have totally written it off (no pun intended).

8. Blood and Money * * * Stars

-As something about a war veteran (on a hunting trip) who accidentally kills a robber with a bag of money, "Blood" revels in Northern Maine locales and nameless (and almost faceless) villains. Somehow I found the whole survivalist modem here to be very darn fruitful.

9. The Host * * * Stars

-The Host is a little noir, a little dramatic thriller, and a little torture porn all rolled into one. The unknown actors in it (at least they were unknown to me) gave it their all. They are dropped in to "Host's" slickness and unsafe fortitude.

10. Wild Card: The Downfall of a Radio Loudmouth * * * Stars

-Wild Card: The Downfall of a Radio Loudmouth is about well, a loudmouth, a kind of controversial Howard Stern for the sports world. It's a straightforward docu that is of course, HBO ready. There are plenty of interviews, tight editing, flashbacks, decent NYC cinematography, and a sort of involuntary sympathy for its subject.

Honorable Mention: Black Water: Abyss, Downhill, The Rhythm Section, Escape from Pretoria, Outback

And the worst...

1. Like a Boss * Star

-Like a Boss, with its genitalia jokes, its workplace drones, and its umpteenth filming location in Atlanta, Georgia, is like an 83-minute exercise in which comedic scenes flop and die. Director Miguel Arteta (he's mostly a TV guy) favors a lousy script for actresses who deserve a better one. He also favors outtake-style line deliveries as opposed to the funnier bits that were obviously left in the trailers.

2. Friendsgiving * 1/2 Stars

-Basically a bunch of pseudo friends who are their only friends, get together to celebrate Thanksgiving Day. They bicker, smug it up, and get their swerve on. That's the rub of the almost plot-less and imposed, Friendsgiving.

3. The Photograph * 1/2 Stars

-Picture 2016's Moonlight but without any solidity and that's what you get with The Photograph. And just for kicks and giggles, picture something Spike Lee would have done on holiday (during his Mo' Better Blues phase) and "Photograph" will shabbily fill in the blanks. Finally, imagine Tyler Perry running out of writing wriggle room and The Photograph will give you that tangent-ed perspective.

4. Proximity * 1/2 Stars

-Proximity wants to be profound and wink-y in a Spielbergian sort of way. Accompanied by a rookie, unknown director (Eric Demeusy) and a Lifetime movie setting of Los Angeles, it lands short on both counts. 

5. The Wrong Cheerleader Coach * 1/2 Stars

-The Wrong Cheerleader Coach is directed by "Wrong" Lifetime regular David DeCoteau. It features a cameo by Tara Reid that has her reading off cue cards along with some of the worst Lifetime acting ever put on celluloid. Helmer DeCoteau also has a motif fixation with eyeglasses as every character is either wearing them or constantly fumbling with them. All I gotta say is contact lenses anyone?

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Honest Thief 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

HONEST THIEF IS MILDLY "BLUNT"

"No one knows who I am". I do. You're Liam Neeson, one of my acting heroes. You love to talk intensely on the phone, you love to move like a 40-year-old, you love to evade the po-po, and you love to punch people in the chest (natch).

Anyhow, Neeson stars in 2020's Honest Thief (my latest review). "Thief" was released in October and was filmed just outside of Boston (that would be Worcester, MA). In truth, Honest Thief is never boring and moves at a relentless clip. There are car chases, wrongful murders, and an underused Robert Patrick (that stinks). 

Featuring Neeson, a miscast Kate Walsh, and a nasty antagonist in Jai Courtney (doesn't he always play the creep-o?), "Thief" runs a scatterbrained 99 minutes. There are too many side characters, too many revelations, and one annoying dog (don't ask). Neeson's 2015 vehicle Run All Night is similar in scope to "Thief". If only the latter measured up. 

So yeah, Honest Thief is too self-serious with its personas feeling the need to completely explain themselves. Second-time director Mark Williams needed a better editor to sift through this intention-ed mess. Added to that, Jai Courtney (mentioned earlier) plays a psychotic FBI dude who goes off the rails rather quickly. You wonder why the feds would even bother to let this sicko be in the field in the first place.  

Honest Thief is about a bank robber named Tom Dolan (Neeson). He confesses to the FBI in order to get a reduced sentence. Tom is doing this because he wants to come clean to his loving girlfriend. Here's the kicker: A couple of the FBI agents are dirty and want to collect the bank robber's money amassed over the past few years. We're talking $9 million in cash. 

"Thief" is worth a rental but know this: It's basically Neeson reheated leftovers. Liam at 68 can still carry a thriller but you'd like him to carry one that's more "honest". 

Written by Jesse Burleson