The Menendez Brothers 2024 * * * Stars

SIBLING RIVALED

2024's The Menendez Brothers is a documentary about those two Menendez bros (Lyle and Erik) who killed their parents in 1989 and have been spending the last 35 years in jail for their heinous crimes. "It was like an incredible soap opera." True dat. 

"Brothers", well it has present-day interviews from Lyle and Erik that seem cerebral if not effete and put on. The flick looks like a solid print however, showing tons of archives intertwined with more accounts from other people too, like the bitter prosecutor, the news writers, jury members, and various Menendez kin. I mean you don't see the actual Menendez boys but you get their voices, all grainy and graveled and well, spent. 

So yeah, The Menendez Brothers as a docu is an enigma, a puzzler if you will. Why? Well I'm age 50 and all I know about these dudes is that they offed their loved ones in cold blood and then got a life sentence 7 years later. I guess I'm now getting some more insight as to why. Was their dad (Jose Menendez) an actual child molester? Did they commit these blood-soaked murders as a form of self-defense? Should they have gotten charged with manslaughter? And did they do it for the inheritance money ($14 mil is um, a lot of moolah)?

Questions questions questions and "Brothers" teeters on the edge of answering them. It's a little bit of Forensic Files, a little Dateline, a whole lot of Netflix, and some timeline remnants of that B-ball swipe called The Last Dance (if you can believe that). Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated (revert back to second paragraph). His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch. Hey, it's been a long, long time "broheim". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Murder on the 13th Floor 2012 * * * Stars

MURDER SHE WROTE

"This robbery has now become a kidnapping". Gee thanks. All I wanted to do was run interference with the woman who was having relations with my other half.   

Anyway don't be fooled by this "floor" show (har har), Murder on the 13th Floor takes no prisoners when it comes to like-mindedness and solace. As a film from 2012 that I never knew existed, "13th Floor" is a trashy, violent, rather futuristic thriller that dares you to embrace the dissonance of it all. Minus some big boy production values, video surveillance monger Zeke Hawkins, and some A-lister-s, it's like something David Fincher or David Ayer would've done on holiday, with a loose budget, on a rough weekend, and with unbound reign. 

"13th Floor", well it's the type of vehicle you would never admit to recommending, kind of like not letting your friends know you dig atomic chicken wings with extra sauce. Come on, own up to it! You embrace the cinematic hurt, it's so good. A rich, snobby businesswoman (Ariana Braxton played well by Jordan Ladd) finds out that her husband is cheating on her. What does she do? Well she keeps up the snobbery, hiring a couple of contract killers to break into her condo and off said hubby's mistress/nanny (Tessa Thompson as Nia Palmer). 

Murder on the 13th Floor is directed by Hanelle M. Culpepper, a TV veteran of stuff like 90210, Criminal Minds, and NBC's Grimm. Culpepper builds tension throughout and at the same time lets you know that "13th Floor" is a rather glossy, merciless consequential soap opera. Just imagine an uncensored, Lifetime endeavor with a pseudo dystopian flavor, some cartoonish barbarity, some remorseless, "Boogeyman" characters, and a side of malice. "How far are you willing to go for what you want?" My thoughts exactly. Three on this "floor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Great Turkey Town Miracle 2023 * Star

BADLY BASTED

The Great Turkey Town Miracle is one of those rare Thanksgiving-themed pics to filter into the silly season. So is it bad? Yeah it's bad, like ketchup and cardboard pizza bad. If it was based on a true story (and I'm pretty sure it wasn't), then the truth has been skewed a little. An aloof, recently fired radio DJ gets hired (for no other reason than to service the plot) to get 4000 turkeys ready for that football-loving, meat-eating epoch in November. Why? So he can provide said turkeys for some needy families and keep his current job in the process. I mean you can't make this stuff up, can you?

So yeah, the radio DJ in question is Connor McCloud and well, he's played by unknown Angus Benfield. On a possible cinematic ego trip, Benfield acts not only as star but producer and would-be helmer as well. Angus bumbles, stumbles, and stutters his way through "Miracle", like a dude looking for his long-lost puppy. I mean why he would have his own main character portrayed as such a sad sack is beyond me. "Talk about dead air". You said it Angus not me.

I'm not finished. Let's look at the overall gauge of "Miracle" shall we. As something that's paced slow enough to make watching paint dry seem reasonable, The Great Turkey Town Miracle has acting in it that is rather brutal, a sort of community theater swipe meant to be kept away from the big screen. Then there's "Miracle's" predictability, its Muzak-style soundtrack that sounds like a girls choir at a school play, its sentimental goo that stretches from here to Katmandu, and its strange, Bible-thumping cast of mind. I mean why attempt to make such a mediocre, holiday version of God's Not Dead? Why? Heck, I was waiting for Reverend Dave to pop out of the woodwork and get his preach on. "Turkey" shot. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley 2024 * * * Stars

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH"

2024's Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is a documentary about Elvis and his eventual, alley-like return to the musical ring circa 1968. "Nobody messes with the King and nobody ever says he's down." Indeed.

"Fall and Rise", well it stars the late Elvis Presley of course along with interviews from the people who were there or could get in his head while peeling it off (Priscilla Presley, Billy Corgan, Conan O'Brien, Bruce Springsteen, Jerry Schilling). The flick, yeah it's a tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter. Heck, he was so darn famous even The Beatles were nervous as all get-out when they eventually met him. 

So here's the thing, "Fall and Rise" is an account about the "King of Rock and Roll" that puts the dude in a more approving light. I mean fans of Elvis will be more reminded of the glory days and not the later years, you know, the obese and drug periods that led to Presley passing on that summer day via August of  '77. Yup, just picture a less dramatic, more sunny, docu version of Baz Luhrmann's Elvis, complete with swipe about Presley's film career and his awkward relationship with his shady manager, Colonel Tom Parker. 

Graceland demises and biographical spectacles begot, "Fall and Rise" while avoiding the whole fan-made and/or tributed tag, is oddly standard in its chronological approach despite being effectively grainy and redolent. Compared to other stuff like the four-star Tina and/or The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Heart, it doesn't exactly set the world on fire. Still, Return of the King: The Fall and Rise of Elvis Presley is forthright, exposed, and disarmingly diverting. It goes down better than one of Presley's bygone plates of fried chicken coated with potato chips. Give "rise" to. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas Under the Northern Lights 2024 * 1/2 Stars

FOGGED LIGHTS

"Maybe a change in scenery is just what you need to get you unstuck." Sure. Let's go from cold weather to even nippier elements up in the Northwest Territories. Hey, let's all freeze our arses off.

Anyway, in 2024's Christmas Under the Northern Lights there's a lot of Yuletide cheer, a lot of townie lore, and a lot of shameless plugging for that rare wonder that is aurora. Clocking in at just under an hour and a half, "Northern" is sadly all wrapped up into one jejune bow of a movie. 

So yeah, the story of Christmas Under the Northern Lights isn't much, just more Hallmark swipe involving a woman taking time away from her job to go to some faraway place, find herself, meet a scruffy dude, and eventually stay a while. Oh and the flick takes place during the silly season, where the denizens spend most of their time outdoors, surviving sans frostbite and never touching the notion of severe hypothermia. They don't need no stinking beanies, just the sights and sounds of frozen tundra, Mother Earth. 

Christmas Under the Northern Lights, well it stars Jill Wagner as Erin and Jesse Hutch as Trevor. Wagner's Erin is an obsessive writer with enough wordsmith's block to hinder the sun. Hutch's Trevor, well he's a Ben Affleck lookalike, a holiday stalker on creeper alert. Together they are the romantic leads for better or worse, two good-looking people with issues who have nothing to bounce off of except near the end, where they explain in scripted detail why they totally dig each other (cringe). There's the obligatory, concluding smooch (which could've happened 30 minutes in), the incumbent party where everybody gets their slow dance on, and finally those northerly glows, about the only thing exciting in an otherwise conflict-free exercise in mistletoe mishandling. "Northern" blot. 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Don't Move 2024 * * Stars

MOVE ALONG

A rattled, former mother is being terrorized by a psycho killer for reasons unexplored. Oh and said killer injects said, former mom with a serum to paralyze her. The plain to see title for my latest review is 2024's Don't Move. "What did you do to me?" The question is what doesn't he do, to everybody.

So yeah, one character in "Move" says to another character, "are you crazy". Crazy as all get-out. We're talking a family man here by night and a manipulative, murdering loon by day. Don't Move could easily be titled uh, "Get a Move On". Yeesh!

Anyway "Move" was filmed mostly in Bulgaria, a backdrop of mainly forests and lakes that seem straight out of a Friday the 13th vehicle. And despite a few gruesome moments of sudden barbarity and torrid retribution, Don't Move is still a rather unsatisfactory, horror set piece from two unseasoned directors (Brian Netto, Adam Schindler). 

Uh, why you ask? Because Netto and Schindler seem to think they can do a retread of 2020's Alone and critics like me wouldn't notice. Think again boys. Alone is the gold standard for young-women-escaping-deranged-scourge thrillers. "Move", well it sadly lacks Alone's inching tension, assured plot points, and mounds of bullying suspense. I mean it all feels so standard and just because you have a hook of the protagonist getting rendered powerless by the antagonist, doesn't mean the flick is pukka. It just makes it reek of unnecessary discouragement. 

Don't Move stars Finn Wittrock as the poor man's Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Kelsey Asbille as the even poorer woman's Ellen Page (when Ellen Page was Ellen Page). Their performances aren't exactly bad, it's just that their personas are ill-defined in a movie so compact and trivial it might as well be a DVD once delivered in the mail by Netflix (when Netflix started out being Netflix). Busted "move". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Cougar Hunting 2011 * 1/2 Stars

BAD WILL HUNTING

2011's Cougar Hunting is bad, like dumpster-diving for old Chicken McNuggets bad. It's like some director saw American Pie and thought hey, I can successfully deliver the student film/home movie camcorder version of that 90s mating farce. Uh no. "Hunting" isn't really cinema mind you, just a lot of pale mimicry and ribald smoke and mirrors. "You ain't seen nothing yet". Oh but I have my dear, I have.

Cougar Hunting as a title, well if you don't know the slang meaning of it you've probably lived a pretty sheltered life. Cougar by definition, is an older woman seeking a little casual relations from a younger man. And that man is usually all about the Mrs. Robinson. Uh, all I have to say is hiss, purr, mew, growl!

Cougar Hunting, well the rubric pretty much explains itself. Three dolts with enough amorous mentality and tact-free scraps to power a small country, decide to go to Aspen (no pun intended) to pick up some otherwise lonely, aged females. I mean there's a few raunchy, snickering moments of dialogue from said dolts but there's also commonplace, gross poop gags, non-plausible carnal shenanigans, the usual member jokes, and rather mediocre acting all around. 

Note to helmer Robin Blazek (who hasn't made anything since "Hunting" came out): not all the cougar-invested dimes in your flick need to be wearing fur coats. Oh and your three characters (played by Matt Prokop, Randy Wayne, Jared Dauplaise), well they wish they could pick up older sheilas this easily. At least the dudes in American Pie (mentioned earlier) had to actually work for it. Finally, hire a real band to do your soundtrack next time, not some karaoke-loving dude off the street who feels the need to lace his profanity-laden lyrics over a dose of clear-cut Muzak. "Cougar" cheese. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Unfrosted 2024 * 1/2 Stars

TARTLET PANIC

How bad is 2024's Unfrosted? Um, as a sort of befuddled SNL skit and/or pappyshow of veracious events, it's liver and onions bad, cucumber ice cream bad. Unfrosted, well it's a flick about 60s Michigan (Battle Creek to be exact). Two cereal adversaries (Kellogg's and Post) compete against each other to come up with the ultimate breakfast pastry, Pop-Tarts. Unfrosted clocking in at ninety-three minutes, is directed by none other than Jerry Seinfeld, a dude who has been literally under the radar for almost three decades. To quote his megahit TV show, "Oh I got to get on that internet, I'm late on everything". You said it Jerry not me. 

Distributed by Netflix and based loosely on true events (I freaking hope so), Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind. Oh and look for Unfrosted's outtakes and line flubs at the end (or don't). Other than '81's The Cannonball Run, said outtakes usually indicate a lousy movie. "We're about to have some very powerful people very upset". I'm thinking that refers to the suits at Skyview Entertainment (one of Unfrosted's three undefined production companies). 

Now don't get me wrong, helmer Jerry Seinfeld knows where to put the camera, knows how to provide Unfrosted with an especial look (Truman Show meets 1960s nuclear family), and can easily create a sense of time and place (the "Wolverine State" in the midst of Camelot). But why his film is so unfunny, so unwitty, and so incredibly turgid is beyond me. TV's Seinfeld, well it felt like a gazillion years ago. I mean even a bunch of Jerry's buds come in to make cameos (Hugh Grant, Christian Slater, Bill Burr, and Jon Hamm to name a few). Um, did they not bother to see the disastrous Movie 43, you know that other big-cast Razzie fest from ten years back? Guess not. "Frosted" flaky. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

3000 Miles to Graceland 2001 * * * Stars

JAILHOUSE GETS ROCKED

2001's 3000 Miles to Graceland refers to a line from the film. Oh and uh, there's plenty of nods to the late Elvis Presley moreover, whether it be impersonators, ditties, or nostalgic thoughts about that almighty "King".  

"Graceland", well it stars Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, two heavyweights who go mano a mano on each other. One of their characters sadistic, the other rather imperturbable. They both want to leave the country and reclaim over $3 mil from a Las Vegas, casino robbery sort of gone amok. "You ready to play?" Ha, if that was even a question. 

Along with Costner and Russell (who play Michael Zane and Thomas J. Murphy respectfully), 3000 Miles to Graceland has a bunch of known actors who pretty much make pseudo cameos (Ice-T, Christian Slater, Courtney Cox, and Howie Long to name a few). Everyone seems to be doing this swipe for the paycheck but at least they're having fun slumming it. Oh and I almost forgot, Jon Lovitz is in "Graceland" too and he plays a money launderer hanging out at a taxidermy establishment in Idaho. I mean you see it everyday. 

So OK, 3000 Miles to Graceland is the movie equivalent of an abstract painting where everything is thrown at the canvas to see if it sticks. The pic along with being completely outre, is violent, nearly misogynistic, and laced with remorseless, offhanded humor. Director Demian Lichtenstein, well he makes you squirm one minute and then gets your heart fluttering the next. He uses every cinematic trick in the book to film his shootout sequences and yeah, it doesn't hurt that his heavy metal/techno soundtrack fits the rhythms of said sequences perfectly. Full disclosure: I've seen "Graceland" at least 50 times. It's not considered a cult classic but I think it should be. With every viewing, there's more bloody, B-movie mayhem to snicker at, more to nervously enjoy. Going the extra "miles". 

Written by Jesse Burleson