Carry-On 2024 * * * Stars

"DON'T YOU CRY NO MORE"

2024's Carry-On has to do with airports, and metal detectors, and annoying commuters, and handheld luggage (hence the plain to see title). It fashions itself in the vein of stuff like Phone Booth and Panic Room and 2005's Red Eye, movies where if the protagonist doesn't do something for the antagonist, said antagonist is gonna make said protagonist's life a living nightmare. In the case of Carry-On, TSA agent Ethan Kopek (Taron Egerton) has to let a dangerous package pass through security or evil passenger Traveler (Jason Bateman) is gonna off Ethan's pregnant girlfriend. "Just relax okay". Uh, whatev dude, I'm doing the best I can. 

Carry-On, well it is directed by Jaume Collet Serra, a guy who never met a terminal and/or baggage claim he didn't like (or wanted to utilize). Serra manufactures a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thang, letting the chaos and tension spill mostly within the lobby as opposed to the friendly skies. As usual he turns the psychological screws and supplies the mild convolutions, occasionally throwing in a violent, three-dimensional, streamlined action sequence (in this occasion, said sequence is set to Wham's "Last Christmas"). About the only thing missing from Serra's flight plight is some NYC locales and one Liam Neeson. 

Normally funnyman and gift of gab monger Jason Bateman squeezing out a performance as a credible villain, some offhanded humor, Bateman and Egerton's Ethan going mano a mano in thuggish manner. Carry-on has these attributes but let it be known, it is not a Christmas movie (even though it takes place on Christmas Eve), just as Die Hard is not a Christmas movie (same swipe). Get over it people and embrace Red One as Yuletide fare instead! Just accept Carry-On as a thriller that just happens to intervene with those warm, day of festivity fuzzies. "Carry" conviction. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Complete Unknown 2024 * * * Stars

SELF PORTRAIT

From 1961 to 1965, Bob Dylan's life as a musical icon is chronicled in 2024's A Complete Unknown. "I met one man who was wounded in love". Indeed.

Anyhow most biopics about actual, famous people are recommendable because there's always a godlike performance to accompany (and sometimes overshadow) the whole kit and caboodle. In "Unknown", Timothee Chalamet completely immerses himself into character via Dylan, singing like him and talking like him and getting all his mannerisms just right. Come Oscar time circa 2025, Timmy boy might need to clear space for one of the shelves in his probably big-arse abode. He may just collect ye olde statuette come March.

Chalamet's transformation and dramatization validity aside, do I think A Complete Unknown is a masterpiece in filmmaking from usual, biographical monger James Mangold? Not completely (pun intended) but I admire Jim's rich sense of time and place, his method of generating early 60s, viewer escapism. I also dug where he put the camera, as Bob Dylan's four years of depiction feel like an effectively languid, slow burn. Production values, set design, and "cultural decade", flight(s) of fancy within "Unknown" are all top-notch. "He's not selling any alibis". No Bob's not, never.

So why am I hesitating in announcing A Complete Unknown as the best vehicle of the year. Well for starters it's edited choppily and a tad overlong, recycling Jay Cocks and Mangold's screenplay while not having much of a diegesis of its own to bounce off of. Added to that, Bob Dylan is not portrayed as the most likable dude in the world here. I mean sure Chalamet is brilliant but his persona as well as the overall conch of "Unknown" keep you at a distance, not letting you crash the veritable party. The film feels like a chronological, "peeking in" documentary and/or 141-minute folk concert when it could've delved a little deeper. Near-great "unknown". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Gladiator II 2024 * * * Stars

AT MY SIGNAL UNLEASH WELL, YOU KNOW

The son of the late Maximus is sold to slavery to become a trained combatant via the Colosseum. That's the continual nub of 2024's Gladiator II. 

Anyway, most sequels are inferior to the original. It's almost an enigma as to why. Aliens and Godfather Part II and Wrath of Khan may be the exceptions but there it is, a lesser product that makes less money and gets the usual ribbing by those nitpicky critics. "You will be my instrument". Uh, not so fast there big guy. 

So OK, Gladiator II just happens to be the follow-up to 2000's Gladiator (naturally). "II" may be shorter (by 7 minutes) but it's bigger, and bloodier, and well, more lurid. A fight to the death against some nasty baboons, a fight to the death against some pesky sharks, a fight to the death "Mandingo" style, Denzel Washington doing an imitation-like performance of a Roman emperor with a penchant for big-arse earrings. Yeah Gladiator II is like Gladiator on steroids but that doesn't make it the superior result. "Are you not entertained?" I mean yeah but it's not what you're thinking. 

Starring Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal, Connie Nielsen, and Washington (see last paragraph), "II" is better than most second runs because it stays faithful to the original while moving the story along as if it were the utmost form of a companion piece. Minus almost aping Gladiator's first hour in terms of plot threads and affray themes, "II" is worth at least one watch for those who consider "fear and wonder a powerful combination" (natch).  

I mean the look is the same (cloudy and blazing, sun-scorched hues), Ridley Scott's direction is still the mammoth of all canvases, and the editing is about as crisp as new $1 dollar bills. What's missing from "II" that the first Gladiator had is the stirring score of Hans Zimmer (the late Hans Zimmer), any standout speck of emotional and/or dramatic heft, and of course, the molten screen presence of one Russell Crowe (he died the first time around so what are you gonna do). Still, as a holiday-released pic with modernized, historical avail and a proclivity for brutal inhumanity, Gladiator II "fights tooth and nail".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top Ten Movie Picks of 2024

1. How to Rob a Bank * * * 1/2 Stars

-How to Rob a Bank is a documentary that's entertaining enough to make you feel like you're watching pure fiction (when your obviously not). 

2. Lover, Stalker, Killer * * * 1/2 Stars

-Lover, Stalker, Killer is all so diverting, perplexed, and fresh, like some drawn-out episode of Paranormal Witness, Dateline, and/or Forensic Files.

3. Apollo 13: Survival * * * 1/2 Stars

-Apollo 13: Survival is a docu that would rather heighten the cinematic days of yore as opposed to just reinventing the Space Race hoop. 

4. A Complete Unknown * * * Stars

-Timothee Chalamet immerses himself into character as Bob Dylan in this well-made biopic about the legendary folksinger. 

4. (tie) Sixty Minutes * * * Stars

-Few films have the urgency and/or bone-crushing voyeurism of Sixty Minutes, a non-stop rinse, repeat of loud fistfights then payoff, then loud fistfights then payoff.

5. Return of the King: The Rise and Fall of Elvis Presley * * * Stars

-A tapestry of archives and probes sifted through a breezy 90 minutes as Presley's singing voice melts the airwaves like butter.

6. The Wages of Fear * * * Stars

-The Wages of Fear is The Road Warrior meets 2015's Sicario. Slick and violent and dangerous.

7. Bitconned * * * Stars

-If flicks like Boiler Room, The Wolf of Wall Street, and The Social Network were made into docus, they'd probably equal the plot line of the cocksure Bitconned. 

7. (tie) Carry-On * * * Stars

-A film that fashions a new spin on the whole, terrorist airfield thing. Streamlined tension (pun intended). 

8. Reagan * * * Stars

-A rather hard-nosed drama about the 40th president that contains a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation.

9. The Menendez Brothers * * * Stars

-Director Alejandro Hartmann keeps the storytelling clean even if his narrative is a little long-winded and forcefully opinionated. His Menendez Brothers is a fascinating if not icky and sort of fallacious watch.

10. A Quiet Place: Day One * * * Stars

-Helmer Sarnoski gives A Quiet Place: Day One that compact, efficacious treatment, doing the best he can to make you feel all "end of the world"-ish as you jump from your seat on his paltry budget of $67 mil. 

Honorable Mention: Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy, Under Paris, Arthur the King, The Fall Guy, Transformers One, Gladiator II

And the worst....

1. Jimmy Carr: Natural Born Killer * 1/2 Stars

-Instead of "killing" the audience with his so-called, iconic abilities as a funnyman, Jimmy Carr appears more like the poor man's Ricky Gervais, hosting an X-Rated version of the Golden Globes and bombing like the empty half pints at an Irish pub.

2. Unfrosted * 1/2 Stars

-Unfrosted is labeled a comedy but couldn't be further from it. I mean just because you have four writers (which include director Jerry Seinfeld himself) penning a bunch of jokes and quips about the conch of multinational companies doesn't mean they ain't gonna flop and die in that almighty wind.

3. What Jennifer Did * 1/2 Stars

-What Jennifer Did is not so much a docu as it is a declared-in-advance malfeasance caper with a muted conclusion. "Did" more harm than good? Oh you betcha. 

4. Cat and Dog * 1/2 Stars

-Cat and Dog is a pseudo comedy I suppose and/or a harmless, slapstick action caper. This vehicle doesn't have much of a tone and it's one of those flicks where the people involved had much more fun making it than the viewer has watching it.

5. A Family Affair * 1/2 Stars

-A Family Affair is not so much a romantic comedy as it is a bipolar, dramatis personae study of three characters who'd probably be better off avoiding each other.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson

Trespass 2011 * 1/2 Stars

FELL FROM GRACE

A husband, wife, and daughter are kidnapped and held for ransom in their swanky abode. Said kidnappers need a lot of moolah to pay off a debt. No this isn't the flick Trespass with Ice T from 30 years back. This is 2011's Trespass starring Nicolas Cage, Nicole Kidman, and a very rattled Ben Mendelsohn (what else is new).

So yeah, one character in Trespass says "open the safe" about a million times, like there's some screenwriter out there who couldn't think of anything else to dash off. Trespass, well it may be the title of my latest review but it could be easily renamed "Impasse", as in virtually no headway. 

Taking place in Louisiana, uninspired, and distributed by Entertainment One (that's debatable), Trespass is bad, like bile in your mouth bad. It's a home invasion conch that goes on and on and on, draining any tension you might have thought you had at the beginning of watching it. 

Sure Nic Cage as family man Kyle Miller is reliable and Kidman as his wife (Sarah Miller) does an okay job of acting afraid and cowed, but then there's the bad guys, the antagonists, bickering and yelling and botching the job and getting more doltish as time marches on. They probably could've offed the hostages and just searched ye olde mansion for anything of value but no, they have to explain everything and intimidate and never shut the f up. There's a saying you know, it's that "overexposure kills you". Natch. 

Trespass, well it's directed by the late Joel Schumacher, a man who never saw a weird camera angle, a cheesy zoom, or an awkward flashback he didn't like. Besides 2000's Tigerland and Phone Booth, there has never been a film of his I can really get on board with (and there have been over 25 of them). I mean the dude was one of the kings of schlock, substituting pap for art and commercial swipe for the adjective of untrammeled. His Trespass as a compact thriller is uh, "criminally" mundane. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Juice 1992 * * * 1/2 Stars

UPTOWN ANTHEM

"If you want respect you've got to earn it." So quips the levelheaded character of Quincy "Q" Powell from Juice, an urban crime conch that spits the sights and sounds of early 90s NYC on the real. It's in the soundtrack, it's in the red-blooded lingo, and it's in the bold-colored cinematography laced with a little doggedness. New Jack City was The Godfather while Juice was Goodfellas, a little more lowdown, a little more lower class, and small-scale.  

The cast was unknown at the time (Omar Epps, Tupac Shakur, Khalil Kain, Samuel L. Jackson), the director was Spike Lee's cinematographer (Ernest Dickerson), and as far as I know, the film wasn't marketed heavily. Juice, well it came out in a wave of early to mid, post-Cold War decade flicks like Fresh and New Jersey Drive and 1993's Menace II Society. As a thriller it's dense yet ruthless and dangerous, with a citified look that's more commercial than independent. Dickerson creates tension throughout, turning comradeship between four young, misguided hoods into a living, breathing nightmare. "You got the juice now, man". Are you sure about that boss, are you?

Juice, yeah it's lean and mean, with Ernest Dickerson masterfully carrying the final, violent sequence set to Cypress Hill's "How I Could Just Kill a Man" with total aplomb. Yup, Juice is a snapshot and/or slice of "crime doesn't pay" swipe, where some childhood friends knock off a liquor store only to have one of them kill the clerk and some of each other. Minus a rather thin narrative where you know little about these wannabe thugs before bedlam gets pukka, Juice literally unfolds like a sledgehammer, with Shakur's pitiless, psycho Roland Bishop the standout and/or anchor. Solid cast, non-flashy yet tight direction, Tupac emoting like a spitfire hyena, and taut editing make Juice sundry viewing for anyone who likes their gangster pics with a little strife. On this "juice". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy 2024 * * * Stars

I WANT TO GO SHOPPING!!!

2024's Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is a documentary about how branded companies supply ruses and duplicity to get you to purchase their goods no matter the cost or whether you need said goods or not. "It just becomes this cycle of pain." Oh yeah, true dat. 

"Buy Now!", well it has interviews from people who worked at Adidas, Apple, and Amazon. Now those same people are pseudo whistleblowers, angered after leaving their corporations and venting as if they could taste their 15 minutes of fame. I mean I sure hope they got paid for exposing their cohorts now that they're out of a job. "They know you, like we know you". Uh, that's not dodgy at all.

So yeah, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is the antithesis to the concept of consumerism and the antiserum to the protection of the natural world. Just picture an ESPN, 30 for 30 episode but without the concept of sports. Just picture a warped-out, Peter Gabriel music video sans the Claymation. Just picture a cinematic acid trip complete with multiple facets of sensory overload. Just picture this, that, and just about everything else when it comes to the "pink elephant" conch that is "Buy Now!".

Sure the film feels one-sided and sort of fan-made when it comes to the wronged art of non-procuring. Sure there's this AI narration throughout that'll give you the ill at ease, creep-o alerts. And sure, "Buy Now!" doesn't have much of a narrative and/or structure, just a rinse, repeat cycle of accounts via some disgruntled workers on the corporate lam. Still, Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy is tantalizing in the way it distributes its rather cryptic info about scraps and detritus that tend to take our environment for a duff ride. Heck, it's the type of flick you could show agog high schoolers on Earth Day. Unix "conspiracy". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Christmas Brew 2024 * * * Stars

NEAR BEER

Unseasoned director Vincenzo Conrorio helms 2024's The Christmas Brew. And yeah, it's not the most Christmassy movie with Christmas in the title. "Brew" is about beer though in spades, the same way last year's A Christmas Vintage was about well, wine. "Was there ever a world in which I got to keep running my brewery?" Easy there big guy, good times ahead.  

The Christmas Brew, well it's like watching a holiday flick where you ditch the cutesy hat, nuzzle the slow burn, and go for the more entrancing, silly season spectacle. I mean there's a little less Yuletide schmaltz and a little more at stake in terms of the fate of its characters. Every frame feels like small town, Upstate New York (because it is). Every scene involves the actors in various pregnant pauses, as live and/or otherwise, coffee shop music inhabits almost every bit of background noise. Heck, I was waiting for the owner of Starbucks to pop up on screen via some shameless plug. In case y'all didn't know, the biggest roastery reserve in the world does occasionally serve the suds in various locations. 

So yeah, "Brew" stars Kaitlyn Lunardi, James Liddell, and Jeremy Cohen. Now for all intensive purposes, is the film a romcom where the two leads get their googly eyes on and take forever to rendezvous? Sort of but not really (if that makes any sense). And is "Brew" more about the corporate takeover of a business where it's you know, "just business?" Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize. The Christmas Brew has a diegesis where a consultant tries to help purchase a local, ale-making establishment only to later find out that her company plans to turn it into a gas station and/or a quasi, 7-Eleven (ugh). "Sweetheart, I don't think you understand how this racket works". Okay Gordon Gekko, whatevs. "Brew" up. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Christmas in Evergreen 2017 * * 1/2 Stars

MIXED SNOW JOB

TV movie monger Alex Zamm directs 2017's Christmas in Evergreen. And oh yeah, he's done a few other holiday flicks as well (A Christmas Prince, A Royal Christmas). With "Evergreen", Zamm puts Christmastime in the forefront, with every frame looking like a Yuletide postcard or the inside of some gleaming snow globe (I'll get to that later). The late Frank Capra and the late Nora Ephron, well they would be mildly proud if not wincing up in heaven. "That magic, it's all around us". Okay easy there Kris Kringle.

Christmas in Evergreen, yeah it's a slow burn, a paint dryer, devoid of dramatic heft but it still managing to somewhat tickle those warm, winter fuzzy-s. Think Christmassy, think Frankenmuth, Michigan on steroids, think I got to get a steaming cup of hot chocolate poured on my head. Good old British Columbia, Canada, well it substitutes for East Coast Vermont as "Evergreen's" minuscule shooting location. "This is what Xmas is supposed to look like". I guess. Yo, what's up with those artificial, CGI snowflakes? Yikes.  

Starring the likes of Ashley Williams, Teddy Sears, and Barbara Niven (they sure do like to mug to the camera), Christmas in Evergreen lives in a cinematic fantasy land and still manages to include those silly season, plot cliches. I mean there's the girl everyone loves who wants to leave her hometown to find herself (check). There's the single dad she meets that lost his wife a year earlier (check it). Then there's the ending Christmas festival that has to succeed or else the town in question becomes kaput (check yourself before you wreck yourself). Finally there's that big smooch at the end (check mate). Add some fake, atmospheric water vapor (mentioned earlier), a snow globe that grants wishes (also mentioned earlier), and a pseudo Santa that spews knowledge like an annoying Greek chorus and you have a harmless day of festivity flick that's predictable as ugly sweaters near the end of December. "Christmas" tided.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Top 10 Holiday Movies of All Time (2024 Reissue)

1. Scrooge 1951 * * * * Stars
    Director: Brian Desmond Hurst
    Rated G
    Cast: Alastair Sim, Jack Warner,
    Kathleen Harrison

The Alpha and Omega of holiday films with Alastair Sim fitting the role of grumpy miser Scrooge like a smooth Isotoner glove. This is the purest and most nostalgic entry of Dicken's classic tale that I can remember. This timeless story was remade countless times but never reached the emotional heights that director Brian Desmond Hurst's 1951 classic did.

2. Catch Me If You Can 2002 * * * * Stars
    Director: Steven Spielberg
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks

Not necessarily a movie made about Christmas but its key scenes take place during that yule tide holiday. Leonardo DiCaprio, as bank forger Frank Abagnale, is in top form. Spielberg's direction is perfect. Overall, this is compulsively watchable stuff.

3. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
    1987 * * * 1/2 Stars
    Director: John Hughes
    Rated R
    Cast: John Candy, Steve Martin

Even though Thanksgiving has come and gone, it doesn't matter. This is still top notch holiday fare with two brilliant comedic actors giving the performances of their lives. Part dramedy, part road trip movie, and totally quotable, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles will make you laugh throughout. It will also leave you with a lump in your throat at the end.

4. Nothing Like the Holidays 2008 * * * Stars
    Director: Alfredo De Villa
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Debra Messing, Freddy Rodriguez,
    Jay Hernandez

Ever since 2009, I make it a habit to watch this film at least three to four times in the month of December. It was shot about 10 miles from where I live, and it's a fine mixture of ensemble comedy and dramatic grievances involving a tight knit Puerto Rican family. They all get together for a bitingly cold Christmas break in Chicago's Humboldt park neighborhood. Very likable cast with every character having their own feasible back story. It's one of those flicks where if you live in Chicago, you say "oh yeah I've been there, I've driven down that street." Very authentic take on the Windy City locales.

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 1989
    * * * Stars
    Director: Jeremiah Chechik
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo

Chevy Chase as bumbling family man Clark W. Griswold, gave his last credible performance in National Lampoon's take on nutty holiday cheer. A lot of gags are taken to the extreme and the scene where he puts Christmas lights on every single inch of his house, is something only his character would ever think of doing. Revolting cousin Eddie (Randy Quiad) shows up halfway in to add to the silliness. All and all, a sloppily made comedy that I initially thought had worn out its welcome. With every subsequent viewing, I changed my mind. A classic!

6. Scrooged 1988 * * * Stars
    Director: Richard Donner
    Rated PG-13
    Cast: Bill Murray, Karen Allen

Highly dark and satirical take on Charles Dicken's legendary tale. This time it's set in the 1980's with funnyman Bill Murray giving a quintessential "Bill Murray" type performance. Funny, cynical, with great one liners. Certain scenes however, might be too intense for younger viewers to take. Overall, if you like Murray's smarmy style of delivering dialogue, Scrooged will not disappoint.

7. A Christmas Story 1983 * * * Stars
    Director: Bob Clark
    Rated PG
    Cast: Peter Billingsly, Darren McGavin,
    Melinda Dillon

This is a silly, little comedy that turned into a Christmas cult classic. Peter Billingsly plays Ralphie, a impressionable young boy who only wants a BB gun for his under-the-tree present. A Christmas Story is told from his point of view. With memorable lines and some quirky characters, it's an addictive film you can watch relentlessly. Case in point: on TBS, this thing is shown 24 hours a day on the 24th and 25th of December.


8. A Christmas Carol 1938 * * * Stars
    Director: Edwin L. Marin
    Rating: Not Rated
    Cast: Reginald Owen, Gene Lockhart

Came before the Alastair Sim version but for some reason, is not as credible in terms of acting, directing, and conviction of the story. Still, it's entertaining enough in a lightweight sort of way. There is actually a color version of this film that is sometimes shown on network television. Overall, good fluff but the ending is short and by the book. It's not as invigorating as 1951's  masterpiece.


9. Just the Way You Are 1984 * * * Stars
    Director: Edouard Molinaro
    Rated PG
    Cast: Kristy McNichol, Kaki Hunter

The main reason why I put this film on the list is that it just reminds me of Christmas in general. It doesn't really involve the holidays, but it was on cable in the 80's and I must have watched it with my parents about a million times. Yes, it involves snow and skiing (in the French Alps), but mainly it's a love story about a woman with a handicapped leg who goes overseas to hide it and find Mr. Right. Honestly, nothing much goes on in this thing. However, it now reminds me of a certain time and place (December of 1985) so I'll just throw it in.


10. Prancer 1989 * * * Stars
      Director: John D. Hancock
      Rated G
      Cast: Sam Elliott, Cloris Leachman

Prancer was filmed about 20 minutes from where I grew up. It's mildly entertaining and it's significant because every time I pass through Three Oaks, MI, I wonder how many of the townspeople own a DVD copy of it. Made over twenty years ago, the small Midwest town just mentioned, hasn't changed a bit. And even if you know that Santa Claus is a hoax, you'll still go along with this fable about a young girl's fascination with a wounded reindeer.

List compiled by Jesse Burleson