Transformers One 2024 * * * Stars

"ONE SHALL STAND, ONE SHALL FALL!"

Transformers One is a prequel to the prequel to the prequel to 2007's Transformers (that's a lot of prequels). Heck, you get to find out how Optimus Prime became Optimus Prime and Megatron became well, Megatron. You also get a taste of how three dimensional-y Industrial Light & Magic can stir you. Finally, you realize that Cybertron riffed its look off of Blade Runner, the planet Coruscant, and um, The Fifth Element. "Autobots, roll out". Literally.

Transformers One is voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, Chris Hemsworth, and Scarlett Johansson. That means no Mark Wahlberg, no Shia LaBeouf, and no Josh Duhamel this time around (how refreshing). "One" is also directed by 2nd-timer Josh Cooley, a dude who fashions something that seems midway between live-animated action, a shooter video game, and well, live action. I mean throw out the Anaglyphs cause you might not need them for "One" is pure, canvased eye candy. 

That's not all my Hasbro-loving friends. Name a battle, any battle in any Transformers flick and Transformers One will match it frame by frame. Just add the aspect of Dystopia and heightened, visual reality and "One" is unlike any Transformers vehicle you've ever laid eyes upon. I mean kids will love its cartoon-like humor, its Saturday morning anime feel, and its Tom and Jerry-inspired ferocity. Adults, well they'll be treated to an actual story and not some disjointed, 165-minute blot with Kelsey Grammer playing the rogue heavy ("One's" running time is a breezy hour-and-a-half-plus). 

Note to Transformers enthusiasts (like myself): don't go into Transformers One expecting it to reinvent the wheel via every previous installment dating back 17 years ago. Just think of "One" as a new genre unto itself, as the film feels like it's unintentionally pulling off the aspect of interpolated rotoscope. You know, animators tracing over original footage silly! Mellin "transform". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

247 F 2011 * * * Stars

THIRD DEGREE

2011's 247 F has to do with temperature, hot-arse temperature. The "F" stands for Fahrenheit and the "247", well it's the type of warmth that will melt your face off. 247 F fashions itself in the tradition of stuff like Open Water 2: Adrift and 4x4 and 2023's Inside, movies where someone (or some bodies) are trapped in an ocean or an SUV or a luxurious abode. It's psychological thrills in the simplest, most ready-made form, as 247 F has its characters confined to a sauna because some drunk idiot blocked the door. "To good times." Um, are you sure about that pal? Might wanna hold back on the toast.

247 F stars recent scream queen Scout Taylor-Compton, Travis Van Winkle, and Tyler Mane. It is directed by Levan Bakhia and Beqa Jguburia. As helmers, Levan and Beqa build the situation (college kids bogart a rental on May Day), use the barest bones of a plot (revert back to first paragraph), and let their actors emote when faced with sweating their tails off via an imprisoned steam room. You get to learn what really causes heat stroke (your body stops trying to cool itself off, ugh), you get the full dossier on why boyfriend/girlfriend relationships fail (make-up sex ain't all that), and you realize why claustrophobia is not only reserved for caves, closets, and coffins. "Why not make it hotter than it already is". Uh no, no thanks my impassioned millennial.

A twist here, a turn there, hot molten sauna stones everywhere, 247 F is effective in its ability to be lucid, to just let the most unexacting horrors play out. No ghosts, no demons, no psycho killer, just a brain persona, a princess persona, and a would-be heroine trying to survive the pre-summer night as they refresh their bodies in reverse, yeesh! Convective "heat". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Drive Thru 2007 * * * Stars

GOOD BURGER

2007's Drive Thru feels like a movie you'd see at a "drive-in" theater, complete with projection booth, concession stand, significant other to make out with, and picnic table. Is that a good or bad thing? Um, you could go either way with your gauging as a viewer. I mean most horror films qualify as drive-ins true to form anyway. At least that's what IMDb thinks when you look up their top 100 list.  

So yeah, with blood-spattering violence of the animated, grindhouse kind, Drive Thru makes you think twice about getting on the intercom and ordering that 4th meal at good old Taco Bell. I mean here we have a vehicle about a masked, killer clown, terrorizing some high school kids at a fast-food greasy spoon. No rhyme, no reason, no Five Nights at Freddy's spur, just the fact that he's ticked off and can really snap to it when chasing his victims. "What would you like to order today?" Sorry pal, I'm gonna go home and microwave a frozen pie instead.

Projecting itself as an updated, assembly-lined version of Scream complete with a villain named Horny the Clown who's an updated, assembly-lined version of Ghostface, Drive Thru doesn't take itself too seriously because well, it's about served facilities of the double cheeseburger sort, not non-blinking, Hannibal Lecter types fresh off the funny farm.  

Heck, the whole flick is pure camp, with stereotyped, rude characters played by Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley, and Nicholas D'Agosto complimenting the even ruder Horny (voiced by Van De La Plante). Yup, one moment you're squirming at Drive Thru's zany gruesomeness and red food dye overload, the next moment you're laughing at the relentless gibing, the absurdity of it all. Bottom line: Drive Thru is worth at least one trip to the "so bad it's good", cinematic pickup window. Acquired "motor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Destination: Infestation 2007 * 1/2 Stars

TERMINUS 

What I learned from 2007's Destination: Infestation, is that it's a thread of Snakes on a Plane from one year earlier. Just call it "Ants on a Plane" as YouTube would say. It's just too bad ants aren't quite as scary as snakes. I mean maybe they are but the film sure doesn't project it as such. "Captain we have a situation in the cabin". You don't say.

Anyway here's the gist with "Destination": a plane flying to the states from Columbia, gets invested with bullet ants whose sting will probably kill ya or make you feel some serious pain. It's up to a confident Sky Marshall and an entomologist to hopefully save the day.

So yeah, here's the problem with Destination: Infestation, it tries to update a certain 2006 vehicle only to come off as a less tighter version of something like Outbreak (complete with a probable, Operation Clean Sweep ending). I mean I blame the clunky editing, the annoying, cliched established characters, and the killer ants themselves. They may sound nasty and look clear-sighted but that's about it. "They're everywhere". Are they though? Are you sure?

"Destination" is directed by George Mendeluk, a dude who needed a better sifter of final content to secure his creature feature, direct-to-video vision. I mean here you have scenes between the ant attacks that slow to a creep, deflating the dramatic momentum like filler or dailies from the cutting room floor. Uh, that's not good for a movie merely 89 minutes long. Then there's the personas of Destination: Infestation who exhibit campy acting and vexing dispositions. It's never a good thing when you root for the evil insects to end these personas instead of the other way around. Finally there's those ants, those wishy-washy ants, only showing up when they feel the need to alpha dog the situation. Come on guys, do you want to harm the humans, forgather for kicks and giggles, or just chew up the fiber optic wires of the craft? Make up your darn minds. And um, no water breaks and/or timeouts in between. For reals.

All in all, Destination: Infestation stars Jessalyn Gilsig, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Serge Houde, actors you don't hear much of anymore. They probably should have fired their agents after this swipe but it's obvious they remained loyal as salivated mongrels. "Destination" bad sign. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Apollo 13: Survival 2024 * * * 1/2 Stars

GROUND CONTROL TO MAJOR JIM

If you liked 2019's Apollo 11 (and I did), then you're probably gonna feel the same about 2024's Apollo 13: Survival (and I do). "Survival" is one of those movies where if you were alive at the time or you're some zealous history buff, you're gonna know the outcome. Probability as a minus? Uh, not really. If that was the case then a certain Tom Hanks vehicle from "The Good Decade " wouldn't command box office clout and become a critical darling. "We have commit, and we have lift-off." Yeah you do. 

Directed by Peter Middleton, a guy who thinks in cuts (even though he didn't shoot the actuality of what's on screen) and distributed by Netflix, Apollo 13: Survival chronicles the Apollo 13 crew mission circa 1970, where three astronauts (Jim Lovell, Jack Swigert, Fred Haise) failed to get to the Moon and had to error-free swing around Earth's satellite to get back home safely. 

"Survival", well it's a documentary in which you wonder why it took so long to tell its story and how did all this pristine, archived restoration suddenly suffice after decades in the vault. I mean I got to tell ya, this is an impressive print, mildly grainy and whimsical and mindfully longing for the past. 

Middleton in his third feature forgoes any reenactments or self-imposed flowery, using nothing but found footage and voice-only interviews from the immediate folk that were there. Yup, his film plays out like pure non-fiction, providing a stirring musical score by James Spinney and ripe, cosmos cinematography that is eerie beauty to the hilt. I mean with every dangerous situation those three rocket jocks faced, "Survival" just becomes even more riveting. Again you as the viewer know everything is gonna be copasetic via windup but that's beside the point. Apollo 13: Survival is a docu that would rather heighten the cinematic days of yore as opposed to just reinventing the Space Race hoop. "Shuttle of life."

Written by Jesse Burleson

Midnight Run 1988 * * 1/2 Stars

AFTER MIDNIGHT

"It is truly in your best interest to just relax". So quips Robert De Niro's Jack Walsh in 1988's Midnight Run, a rather overrated piece of action-thronged swipe. Yeah 95% on Rotten doesn't lie but it would be in my best interest as a critic to not lie to myself. 

So yeah, Midnight Run was directed by then box office champ Martin Brest, coming off the huge success of one Beverly Hills Cop. With "Run", Brest gives the film a dangerous vitality and a frantic pace, a little too frantic for him to handle considering that his work usually moves at a snail's lick. I mean with Martin it's all about the cinematic journey, the means to a long end. That's why Midnight Run has tons of locales (including a Niles, MI train station located 20 miles from where I grew up) and milieus, a sort of crisscross-whiffed Americana. "What do think this is a class trip?" You said it Bob not me. 

A Mexican standoff here, a helicopter/car chase there, crime boss high noon-s everywhere, Midnight Run is like 1987's Planes, Trains and Automobiles for bounty hunters. The only problem is that the flick doesn't have much heart, or characters you get to really know, or an actual, composite story. It's basically a well-acted pic with De Niro's Walsh pursuing a mob accountant (Jonathan Mardukas played by Charles Grodin) in hopes of getting him back to LA to collect $100,000 from a bail bondsman.  

Clocking in at just over two hours, Midnight Run provides plenty of gun-drawing battles, fade in, fade out personas, and jocular payoffs only to evaporate right after the closing credits come up. I mean all the witty banter between De Niro/Grodin and humor me scenes of public place, 80s chain smoking aren't gonna get me closer to recommending it. Tip and "run". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare 2023 * * * 1/2 Stars

TRIAL BY ORDEAL

"There was a deep concern that the youth of America was taking a wrong turn." According to 2023's Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, that refers to the 1980s and all its big mane glory. That's funny. I always thought it was the 70s in which kids were at their most ungovernable. Netflix, it seems you've stumped me again.

With interviews that feel earned from people who were there (angry minors, law enforcement, attorneys) and grainy archives that give off the whiff of creeped out remembrance, "Hell Camp" is a documentary that never hits a false note, and that's despite its need to push the bourn of bad taste. I mean young-un-s forced to hike in 100-degree, Utah heat without the use of toilet paper and/or access to water is pretty bad. "You know, what do you do?" That's a good question. I mean what do you do.

Unbearable hotness and historical contexts begot, Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare is a haunting vehicle about a haunting guy (the late Steve Cartisano), whose stock footage probing lingers long after the closing credits come up. So yeah, Steve made a ton of moolah running a therapy wilderness camp, where troubled teens were kidnapped, taken to a faraway place, and made to do manual labor (amongst other things that were indecorous). 

TV director Liza Williams, well she looks like a seasoned pro in regards to "Hell Camp", interspersing late, "decade of decadence" clips with present day accounts, all the while pandering to the rhythms of Tom Ryan's heady musical score. Watching Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare, you realize that Williams is trying like all hell to achieve an end (pun intended). I mean this is a true story that needed to be told and you painfully wonder why it took 30 darn years to tell it. Atheists "nightmare". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Reagan 2024 * * * Stars

HONEY, I FORGOT TO DUCK

Somewhere between Oliver Stone's W. and Adam McKay's 2018 vehicle Vice, lies Reagan, a biopic that's not as dialogue-driven as the former and less spoof-like than the latter. Reagan, well it's about Ronald Reagan (duh), the 40th prez of the United States and a former actor to boot. Told in one 135-minute flashback sequence through the eyes and ears of fictional KGB agent Viktor Petrovich (played by Jon Voight, acting like Jon Voight but with a Russian accent), Reagan chronicles Ronny's life chronologically, from his childhood to his stint in Tinseltown to his presidency to his horse riding retirement. "Get in the game, run for office". Oh you betcha.

Reagan is directed by Sean McNamara, a thirty-year-plus veteran of stuff anywhere between fantasy comedies (Casper Meets Wendy) to biographical dramas (Soul Surfer) to last year's On a Wing and a Prayer. I mean you could say a lot about Sean's films but you could never reveal that they're boring. McNamara injects Reagan with a lot of energy and a sense of urgency as he whisks you from one historical set piece to the next. Instead of piling on the schmaltz and possible sentimental sludge, helmer McNamara fashions Reagan into a rather hard-nosed drama (pun intended) with a little dry jocularity, some biting satire, and some goofy self-deprecation. Check out the insertion of the music video "Land of Confusion" and you'll see what I mean. 

Now you're probably wondering who plays Ronald Reagan and well, I'm gonna tell ya. It's Dennis Quaid don't you know and this might be one of the best performances of his career (along with '79's bicycle flick, Breaking Away). Quaid looks like Ron from the profile side and on occasion, gets the mannerisms and facial expressions just right. Heck, he winks to audience but in a good way, as most of his line readings of speeches and soliloquies crackle while running wild. He is supported effectively by a cast of knowns (Voight mentioned earlier, Robert Davi, Kevin Dillon, C. Thomas Howell) playing anyone from film exec Jack Warner to Leonid Brezhnev to Republican Caspar Weinberger. In the hands of another filmmaker, Reagan might come off as a snoozing slog, maybe a wiki page entry with bad, paint-drying sensibilities. With Sean McNamara however, you have capable, lightning-quick editing, solid, crisp cinematography, and stylish, montage clips of good old Dutch getting his trouper on. A win for this "Gipper". 

Written by Jesse Burleson