Killer Bees 2002 * * 1/2 Stars

"NOT THE BEES!"

"We have a suspect". So says a coroner talking about some nasty insects that sting and kill. They frequently inhabit the small town of Sumas in 2002's Killer Bees. 

Watching "Bees", you realize it's a B-movie (pun intended), featuring the perfect casting of C. Thomas Howell who is the king of late night cable endeavors and you guessed it, B-movies (also pun intended). Howell plays Sheriff Lyndon Harris, a good-natured cat who tries to warn the citizens of Washington's honey haven (and their toupee Mayor) from the nectar-feeding danger that's coming. I mean it's like you're watching Jaws on the low, with said Sheriff acting like the leisurely version of chief Brody. "I've been stung once, but it ain't gonna happen again". Yeah you tell 'em Ponyboy. 

Made as a TV flick, with probably a shoestring budget and what looks like Syfy Channel special effects, Killer Bees doesn't take itself seriously until it has to. That basically means it's burlesque shenanigans mixed with almost horrific bee-attacking sequences that literally blur the lines of bad taste. One minute you're squirming, the next minute you're chuckling and snorting. Yup, the quirky characters in "Bees" include a deputy Dewey type, a bully, "Buddy" Repperton type, and Doug Abrahams channeling his inner Larry Vaughn, poo-poohing the nastiness of the killer bees and what they'll do to a bunch of harmless denizens at a local fair. "We can't shut down because of one man's craze bee foray". Yeah you keep telling yourself that pal.

So yeah, I can't quite recommend Killer Bees. Why you ask? Because it's one of those, "in the cards" films where the protagonists barely get harmed by the pollen-crazed creatures and the antagonists (and goofy dolts) get killed and/or urticated on a dime. Bottom line: Killer Bees may kind of feel like a pseudo, drive-in classic with a little Velveeta in tote. But hey, this ain't 70s cinema people, and the heralded, "Master of Horror" is surely not behind this wheel. Mixed "bees" kneed. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Perfect Assistant 2008 * * * Stars

UM, NOBODY'S PERFECT

2008's The Perfect Assistant is probably the most reserved Lifetime flick that ever came down the pike. I mean I'm not saying it's ineffective but director Douglas Jackson would rather douse you in the art of character study and take his time as opposed to just rolling out the thriller schlock. "There's a lot of stuff here that doesn't make sense". Sure it does. Look closer silly wabbit! 

Starring Josie Davis, Rachel Hunter, and Chris Potter, "Perfect Assistant" starts from I suppose, the middle and builds tension inch by careful inch. So yeah, it's not a violent Lifetime endeavor nor does it go over the top but its quiet tone and "I'm God's lonely man" (or in this case woman) air gives you the delicate willies. 

Josie Davis, a veteran of TV and film, plays "Perfect Assistant's" lead in Rachel Partson, an administrative PA who becomes obsessed with her boss to the point where she'll do anything (including murder and manipulation) to eventually marry him one day. 

Davis, well she creates the Rachel persona from the ground up, so when the final confrontation occurs as she's toting a gat at a restaurant, you feel her dejection and cray cray heartache. Josie's Rachel is easy on the eyes but a sad sack, a girl who talks to herself, lives with an irksome roommate, and readily thumbs her way into everyone's beeswax. So OK, you don't see Rachel doing a lot of offing in "Perfect Assistant" but it's what you don't discern or imagine she did in the past that will make your blood curdle. I mean at one point in the pic she says that both of her parents are dead. You wonder if good old "Rach" had a hand in that partaking. Ugh. 

In hindsight, The Perfect Assistant is not trashy, Lifetime Network flare nor does it possess any type of style or modus operandi. Its strength lies in putting Davis in almost every frame, as her creeper plight alone feels like an eldritch, first-person narrative. Cared "assistant". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Gone in 60 Seconds 1974 * * * Stars

PEDAL TO THE METAL

"Sometimes when you steal a car you get more than you bargain for". Oh fo sho. I mean sometimes you get a movie out of the whole shebang. And uh, sometimes you get a car chase that's its own separate entity, clocking in at about 40 minutes. Crazy town. 

So yeah, 1974's Gone in 60 Seconds is the original Gone in 60 Seconds, only to be later remade into a more commercialized, Nic Cage vehicle of the same title (pun intended). "Gone", well it takes place in Long Beach, California, amidst the Southern Cali smog and seedy, Southern Cali underbelly. The gist: a drug lord pays a car thief and his merry men to steal 48 cars in 5 days. Seems easy right? Wrong. The fuzz is on the prowl and they'll do whatever it takes to thwart the mighty operation. "I should have read my horoscope this morning". Yeah you should have pal, before trying to lift that Ford Mustang named "Eleanor".

Starring H. B. Halicki, Marion Busia, and George Cole (never heard of these guys, have you?), Gone in 60 Seconds is the ultimate "Me' Decade" pic, a supposed drive-in mainstay warts and all. Possibly the inspiration for the Beastie Boys music vid "Sabotage" (possibly), "Gone" is 70s Cheese Whiz I tell you, with director Halicki giving us something the late William Friedkin would've done had he made The French Connection into a low budget porn flick minus a little "ooh la la". 

Gene Hackman thrillers and processed sauces aside, "Gone" has got poor dubbing with a little tongue-in-cheek added. It also has goofball, wooden acting that seems rather appropriate for all the automobile theft shenanigans going down. Then there's "Gone's" choppy editing with zooms and car crash continuity errors gone aplenty. Finally, Gone in 60 Seconds has a modernized musical score from Ronald Halicki and Philip Kachaturian that sort of supplies a breezy, wound up intensity. Heck, it all seems to come together despite a few defects (har har), giving the audience member a screw loose classic speaker systems everywhere still probably salivate over. "Seconds" in command!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trap 2024 * 1/2 Stars

WASTE TRAP

"I feel out of control". So says Josh Hartnett's Cooper, the would-be psycho killer from 2024's Trap. Hartnett, well he plays Coop a little over the top, almost to the point of self-parody. One I guess basically flew over the Cooper's nest. Natch.

So yeah, Trap is another M. Night Shyamalan concoction, full of endless closeups, hobbledehoy rules, eye-rolling self-cameos, and pseudo, Spielbergian moments. I mean ever since Night brought the house down a la The Sixth Sense, he's made about 13 more films with maybe two of them worth embracing (Signs, Split). Shyamalan, well he constantly seems like a mixture of Steven Spielberg and Alfred Hitchcock. The problem is that Spielberg and Hitchcock are everyone's favorite sons while Night is the misbegotten stepchild, looking for some starved attention.

Shot with a budget of $30 million, saddled with a neutered, PG-13 rating, and featuring a supporting role played by Hayley Mills (yes that Hayley Mills from The Parent Trap), Trap is like the first flick from Shyamalan I can remember that didn't have his true, signature twist at the end. I mean the movie is all so cut and dried as it's devoid of any real apprehension, intrigue, or mystery. What's on screen, well it's the antithesis of everything the "Master of Suspense", and it's about as predictable as six months of total darkness in Alaska. 

Trap's gist: a serial murderer goes with his daughter to a concert where a poor man's Rihanna is singing (that would be Lady Raven, played by M. Night's daughter Seleka Shyamalan). Guess what, the concert is a setup to try and find the bad guy as he eventually exits an arena of I guess 19-20 thousand people. Security and cops and backdoor limos and blocked entrances oh my! M. Night Shyamalan tries to hit a home run with Trap's "there for the taking" picture painting but ends up fouling off into the stands. Adding four or five extra endings in which Cooper escapes is not innovative, it's just Night's desperate way of filling his weakened, 105-minute running time. Boob "trapped". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Alien: Romulus 2024 * * * Stars

ACIDIC

Alien: Romulus is a nasty, eye candy-filled movie, a pile of grossness you can't look away from. Its story, well it's an interquel I tell you, a gap between Alien and '86's Aliens. You have these young space colonists, somewhat misfits if you will, venture to an unknown spacecraft looking for stasis chambers to get them to another, better planet. I bet you can't guess what happens next. I'm kidding. I mean why do we go to these Alien franchised flicks in the first place? We go to see those unpleasant facehuggers and xenomorphs get their proverbial kill on. "Should be in and out in thirty minutes." Uh-huh, yeah whatever.

Now is Alien: Romulus a chartered, Alien greatest hits collection like the other critics have been saying? Well yeah, everything minus an actual, working space crew aboard the big-arse vessel. I mean let's look at the evidence shall we: there's a chestburster homage to the original installment from 1979 (check). There's an underwater alien homage to Alien: Resurrection (check on). There's that Engineer persona homage to good old Prometheus (check mark). Finally, there's a POV, tracking shot homage to Alien 3 (checkmate). "Whatever comes, we'll face it together". You ain't kidding boss. You ain't kidding. 

John Hurt hurting and albino humanoids aside, Alien Romulus is clearly not archetypal but it's got a lot of energy and keyed up suspense to boot. Starring the likes of unknowns Cailee Spaeny, David Jonsson, and Spike Fearn, "Romulus" is sci-fi potluck, somewhat disjointed, somewhat ceaseless, but never boring. I mean it might lack James Cameron's knack for fixed in the mind characters and it may hinder Ridley Scott's reveling in having the viewer feel a million miles a way from home ("in space, no one can hear you scream"). Oh well. "Romulus" is worth a watch anyway, and it actually has that grainy, dirtied-up look and feel of something that was released in the early-to-mid-80s (revert back to first paragraph). Resident "alien". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Abyss 2023 * * Stars

NOT INTO THIS ABYSS

"We have to evacuate". Yeah you do. Sinkholes, earthquakes, tremors, and extended breaks oh my! The late Charlton Heston called and well, he says he wants his open chest hair back. 

Anyway 2023's The Abyss has nothing to do with a certain sci-fi flick from 1989. Bible. I mean they share the same title but one movie is underwater fodder with stop frame animation while the other is an art film disaster pic, slow-burned, slowly build-ed up, and slogged about. "Just stay calm". Yeah whatever. I'm calm and more stultified than anything else. Ugh.

So yeah, what do drawn-out sequences of fault line collapses, parodied sandbox descending-s, and laughable rock fracture clips do for you? Not much on my end and that's why I can't embrace The Abyss and its penchant for reveling in the self-fulfilling prophecies of people getting into life-threatening situations via a small, sinking Scandinavian town. "Heck, I can't swim, so you know what, I stay out of the darn pool". Words to live by boss. Words to live by.   

"Abyss", well it stars Tuva Novotny, Peter Franzen, and Kardo Razzazi, unknown actors who exhibit stiff line readings, a pouting demeanor, and the unfortunate snag of being poorly dubbed. I mean you want them to survive (kind of) but at the same time, they come off as cliched, periled characters, making bad acumen and saying stuff like "we've got to get out of here" or "we've got to go". And then, well The Abyss concludes a la a nice neat bow, with the town of Kiruna, Sweden no longer going under and everybody seemingly pulling through (except for one doltish daddy). It's like the producers and TV/video monger Richard Holm ran out of wiggle room and decided to cave in, giving "Abyss" its Waterloo, Hallmark ending.  Mixed "chasm". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

One Fast Move 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

FAST TALK

"I wanna race". Yeah of course you do. So does Carroll Shelby and his merry men.

Anyway One Fast Move is "one" promising film until it sort of deflates at the end (no pun intended). I mean where is the come-to-Jesus moment? And what's with the wishy-washy actions of the female love interest forgiving her roughneck man so quickly? And uh, why not go back and check up on injured dad instead of finishing a time trial that's one of many via the future? These are questions mind you and with One Fast Move, they shouldn't really exist, at least not in the last ten minutes. "When can I get my bike back". Um, easy there big guy. 

A motorcycle contest here, a make whoopee scene there, a Harry & Son moment between actors KJ Apa and Eric Dane, One Fast Move is about fathers and lads and girlfriends and deadly, corner drag racing. Yeah it's kind of like Days of Thunder but with a stern chip on its shoulder. Tom Cruise called and well, he says he wants his Alpinestars gloves and Persol 200 sunglasses back. Natch. 

Cole Trickle pics and premium fuel intakes aside, One Fast Move isn't a bad flick, just a mixed, regretful one. I mean the script is feasible, a concoction of stuff good old Harry Hogge would say ("rubbing son, is racing"). And then there's the fast-paced, POV racing sequences (shot intermittently), the solid moments of goodly emoting, and some raw performances from the troupers (Dane kind of kills it as alcoholic, estranged daddy Dean Miller). The only problem is that One Fast Move's journey is much more heightened than its destination of blase, checkered flag ticks. It's like crossing the cinematic finish line with only two people giving you the proverbial rally. Not so "fast". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Good Nurse 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

CARE LADEN

"He's been killing people, without ever touching them". Uh, that doesn't sound creepy at all. Anyone reminded of a voodoo doll, or an effigy? Ugh. 

Anyway 2022's The Good Nurse has been designated by its wiki page as a thriller. I mean I wouldn't go that far considering a thriller has to you know, thrill. "Nurse's" story, well it's a true one, played out in par for the course, mundane fashion. It's something about a caregiver who was accused of killing a ton of hospital patients without any known motive (what?). Eddie Redmayne stars as said caregiver Charlie Cullen and gives a rather numbing, unsettled performance. Jessica Chastain, well she matches him as protagonist Amy Loughren, a colleague nurse who tries to whistle-blow Charlie for his deadly shenanigans in the good old infirmary. "Yeah, her death, it was sudden". Right O chap. Right O.

Distributed by Netflix with random musical score interludes by Biosphere (never heard of these guys before, have you?), The Good Nurse has Danish helmer Tobias Lindholm letting every scene play out in frame as opposed to just freewheeling and/or hotdogging with the camera. His look is darkly-lit, his shots mostly wide-s and/or close-ups, his characters cold and indifferent. Yeah Lindholm can direct but seems hellbent on not beguiling his audience. His "Nurse" feels like David Fincher fare but sadly minus any enigma or uh, power to rivet. 

Take heed though because The Good Nurse has solid acting and a decent psychobabble, medicine man script, even if sometimes you the viewer feel the need to throw things at the screen via the flick's glacial pace and overt, lack of suspense. I mean if you wanna be sent away with your knees knocking well "Nurse" probably won't get the job done. I don't know, maybe the similar-themed Coma from 1978 will. Common "good". 

 Written by Jesse Burleson

Tarot 2024 * * 1/2 Stars

SOLDIER OF FORTUNE

2024's Tarot is operative as a horror film. I mean it's not scary enough to be a classic but it's not too systematic to travel into self-parody either. Tarot's story, well it's as old as dirt. Don't mess with someone else's fortune telling and don't venture where you don't belong. If you do you'll get the hose again (har har). But seriously folks, I went into Tarot with the lowest of expectations, a snicker if you will. Sometimes that can be a rather effective, cinematic half-pie. Natch.

Made on a budget of $8 million and being rather successful at the box office (I never even knew it got released), Tarot reminds you of stuff like Final Destination, Scream, and even A Nightmare on Elm Street. Yeah helmers Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg were obviously doing their homework and well, even copying off of other people's notepads (it's manifest). 

Tarot's motifs are as follows: a group of seven friends have to figure out who among them is the would-be killer (check). That same group of friends also have to realize that maybe an otherwise snarky demon might be doing the actual killing (check it). The same group of buds get picked off one by one in rather cowinkdink fashion (check the technique). Finally, there are different ways in which these seven millennials are prone to biting that proverbial dust (Czechoslovakia!). "Paging Jimmy Wong, Jimmy Wong". 

Early 2000s death knells aside, Tarot stars Harriet Slater, Adain Bradley, and Jacob Batalon, actors who are typical horror flick tropes, making typically bad, horror flick decisions (don't ever climb a ladder into an attic after hearing weird sounds in said attic, ever!). The film, well it's well-directed, well-paced, and the storytelling of confidants unleashing an evil entity via some old-arse playing, stiff papers is in a word, adequate. Howbeit, although Tarot's ending will probably have you doing the old SMH take heed, there have been worse journeys. Drawing "card". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Old Dads 2023 * * * Stars

OLDBOYS

 

2023's Old Dads is a real car accident of a movie, a sometimes mischance you can't look away from. I mean you could call it comedy (that's its M.O.) but there's also some embittered, dramatic scarring to deal with. The runtime is 104 minutes, the humor is as dry as sandpaper, and the setting is suburbia LA. "Change happens faster than when you were young". Oh fo sho. 

Directed by veteran funnyman Bill Burr and released by Netflix in October of last year, Old Dads is about what it says it is, a raw character study of three best buds who become fathers later in life than expected. Burr (he plays Jack Kelly) is the Greek chorus dad, the anchor of all things middle aging. He's loose-lipped and angry and perturbed, possibly on the verge of self-reproach. The other dads that hang with him (Bobby Cannavale as Connor Brody, Bokeem Woodbine as Mike Richards) are quite the hoot as well, man-children with zero filter and testy dispositions in tote. "But I'd do anything for my kid". Again fo sho.

Old Dads, well it paints the three daddy-o-s as coarse goofs while their attractive wives kind of lounge in the background, getting their SMH's on. The film, yeah it's basically a series of intense confrontations between husbands and wives and girlfriends and just about anybody with two legs and a heartbeat. Burr is obviously in his element here, sort of playing himself as helmer and trouper while fashioning a one up, acting showcase for tidy effect. His direction is adequate if not disjointed, but what counts is how plain-spoken and blunt his Old Dads is. I mean just imagine a PTA meeting where everyone is inebriated and ready to go after the ill-protected. This thin-skinned critic found the whole ordeal rather fascinating. Not so same "old" same "old".  

Written by Jesse Burleson