Untold: The Shooting at Hawthorne Hill 2026 * * Stars

FOOLS ON THIS HILL

"Your whole life revolves around this one thing." Yup, they're talking about an equestrian student who gets shot by her Olympic mentor in the stomach and God's knows where else. Uh, how the heck did we get here? Insanity plea? Yikes.

Anyway Untold: The Shooting at Hawthorne Hill is a Netflix documentary, unfolding like a sledgehammer and rounding out to about 63 blazing minutes. "Hawthorne Hill", well it doesn't celebrate the art of horse dressage, it nearly bypasses it and blankets it, instead focusing on an act of handgun violence where the perp is supposedly insane and the victim is kind of well, a little cray cray herself. What, did you think I was gonna mention the late Christopher Reeve, Sonny Leon, and who's the favorite in this year's Belmont Stakes? Get reals guys. 

So OK, Untold: The Shooting at Hawthorne Hill features two incredibly unlikable main subjects (Lauren Kanarek, Michael Barisone) who come off like a couple of junior high outcasts having a continuous, catfight tiff. I mean that's what makes the docu rather nettlesome mind you, a constant he said, she said, she said, he done it that wears out its welcome long before the credits come up (and said credits literally add to the melodrama). 

Yeah "Hawthorne Hill's" archives (from 2017 to 2019) are effective, yeah the interviews are aplenty, yeah Grace McNally's direction is veritably baseline, and yeah the editing is crisp as an autumn afternoon in my home state (that would be Michigan). But what's the point in having a pissing contest between Barisone and Kanarek that threatens to totally irk the audience. I mean these people would be better off bickering via a debate on CNN or participating in some congressional hearing Roger Clemens-style. Actually I would probably turn that noise off anyway. "Shoot this moon."

Written by Jesse Burleson 

Disclosure Day 2026 * * * Stars

ALIEN NATION

It was 1982 and I was drinking the cinematic Kool-Aid, going to see E.T. for the umpteenth time. Actually I'm fibbing. I mean I loved E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, one of the greatest moviegoing experiences of my lifetime. Now 44 years later, I decided to take in Steven Spielberg's latest wildly-hyped creation, Disclosure Day. The space critters are getting exposed, the government is ticked off, and Wyatt Russell's character Jackson is completely aghast. "People have the right to know the truth." Uh, you think?

Reflecting on Spielberg vehicles of the past and near present, Disclosure Day (starring Emily Blunt and Colin Firth) is certainly not his best but it's very far from becoming his worst. In fact, the only thing it suffers from is possibly being a little too Spielbergian for its own good. You know, that overly sense of wonder and those unusual tracking shots and well, that good old sentimentality. The runtime is 145 minutes, the soundtrack is slumming John Williams, and David Koepp's screenplay is all nuts and bolts, not too cheesy but a little dated and possessing Steven's hokey touches. "What am I doing?" "What am I doing?" See what I mean?

So OK, there are critics out there who think Disclosure Day is Steven Spielberg greatest hits fodder, a rehash or reheat of his lifelong schtick. I mean maybe, what with all the War of the Worlds and Minority Report and Close Encounters of the Third Kind residue, sure. But take another look kiddies (and possibly another full viewing which is what I plan on doing) and you'll find a swiftly-paced, thinking person's drama with a couple of nifty car chases. Steven, well he still knows where to put the camera and can still spin a yarn like a pro bowler getting his throw on throwing strikes. What's even more impressive is how Stevie boy can make what's on screen feel like it could actually happen (or already has) in terms of the sci-fi untruths upending. Whole "day".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Scary Movie 2026 * 1/2 Stars

LIKE SHOWGIRLS, ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING

As I entered the theater to watch 2026's Scary Movie (or in some circles, Scary Movie 6), I had a feeling it would be about as dated as Motorola Razr phones, MySpace, chunky tech, and/or Borders bookstores. Guess what, I was right. The Wayans brothers, well they are stuck in 2004, thinking that full frontal nudity, black and white jokes, pegging toys, and nonsensical slapstick matter. They don't, they really don't. But hey, these Scary Movie flicks are freaking cheap to make (at 30 mil) and their audience doesn't really care what we critics think. I just checked the box office receipts so why stop now boys. Yikes!

Now I liked the first Scary Movie from 2000. I really did. I mean it sort of broke the mold for gross-out comedies, throwing every cinematic kitsch at the dartboard hoping it would stick. Then the sequels came (2, 3, and 4) and they truly blew chunks. And after Scary Movie 5 waddled onto screens in 2013, you get the idea why studios would wait 13 years or so to put out another one. What, as if we have forgotten about the suckage? We have not. Basically '26's Scary Movie is a cash grab, edited by alleged coma patients, story boarded by drugged hyenas, and misguided as the concepts of wealth-building and fitness. "You suck, move your butt." You said it Shawn, not me. 

So yeah, here's the unenthusiastic cameos for "6": Carmen Electra, Shaquille O'Neal, Teyana Taylor, and Anthony Anderson. And here's the vehicles being spoofed: Get Out (too long ago), Smile (too brief), Weapons (too recent), and Scream 5, 6, and 7 (not memorable enough). And uh, here's the plot line: oh wait, no such luck, just a series of random scenes pasted together by some frat dudes on a rough weekend. "Disaster" movie. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Crash 2026 * * Stars

CLATTERED 

An icky documentary that feels like a seasoned Dateline episode with a little more panache. Yeah I'm talking about 2026's The Crash, not to be confused with that 2004 Oscar winner or David Cronenberg's moot Crash from the mid-90s. The Crash, well it's a product of a certain streaming service and it exploits those annoying social media platforms like TikTok and Insta and Twitch and gosh knows what else. So OK, did 17-year-old Mackenzie Shirilla really kill her boyfriend by way of a staged car accident? And was this girl really traveling 100 mph into a darn brick wall? And uh, what's up with the potty mouthed pandering Mackenzie? "That split second changed all of our lives forever." True dat. 

Anyway The Crash is numbingly shot by TV director Gareth Johnson, he of Shark Week and See No Evil fame. There's slight archives that look nearly like bodycam footage reenactments (even though you know they weren't), interviews from parents and the po-po that might have been coached up (and they probably were), and a certain Mayberry flavor that seems straight from the annals of Maury ("that is a lie" hint hint). "It didn't add up." Oh but it does boss. It truly does. 

Trashy talk show hosts and Podunk Americana-s aside, The Crash has its moments in terms of pacing, brisk editing, and mien when it comes to its overall slickness. I mean it appears that good old Netflix definitely put their fingerprints on this thing no matter who's behind the camera. The problem however is the vehicle's subject, a teenage Shirilla who is allowed to chew on some soggy, 15 minutes of fame mind you. She is as unlikable as any convicted, enigma-like killer in any reality, legal cinematic endeavor. And it also doesn't help that Mackenzie's parents have a weird, unconditional love for their dope-smoking, felonious felon. "Crash test dummy."  

Written by Jesse Burleson