Licorice Pizza 2021 * 1/2 Stars

SQUARE CUT 

The odd title of 2021's Licorice Pizza doesn't add up to much. Licorice Pizza the movie? Well it doesn't add up to much either. The film's blueprint involves a 15-year-old boy and a 25-year-old girl hanging out together in Southern California circa 1973. Why these two would ever have anything to do with each other or even be attracted to each other is well, beyond me. 

So yeah, Licorice Pizza is a comedy-drama that saunters and irks. It's like a series of random, "Me Decade" scenes that sort of taper off into the wind. The leads (Alana Haim, Cooper Hoffman) are not horrible, they're just dupes of automation. They begrudgingly do whatever Paul Thomas Anderson's implausible screenplay tells them to. 

Speaking of Anderson, well he's the director. Once the boy genius behind my favorite flick of all time (Boogie Nights), Paul Thomas Anderson has now regressed to the point of jumbled-ness. With Licorice Pizza, he dips back into the 70s again butchering the almighty cinematic form. There's no continuity, no lucid story, no scripted 411.

So OK, Anderson knows where to put the camera and yeah, his soundtracks are earthy and retro (this one is good but lacks a little freshness). Still, you can't help but wish PTA would spend two-plus hours on something more than a messy, bipolar character study. In truth, I was annoyed by Alana Haim's Alana Kane to the point where I wanted to shake the wishy-washy out of her. I mean what a royal pain in the butt. 

Per the last paragraph, I said that Licorice Pizza was a messy film. True dat. It could learn age-old wisdom from a tidy one. Licorice Pizza is also cock and bull film. I mean you'd have to believe that Hoffman's Gary Valentine could own a pinball arcade, successfully mack on a twentysomething, and manage a waterbed factory as a blackhead juvenile. Wha?? 

Add pointless cameos (I'm talking to you Bradley Cooper and Sean Penn) and fading personas whose plot threads add to nil and you have the movie equivalent of a failed competitor on The Gong Show. "Hold the anchovies". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Toying With the Holidays 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

TOY STORY

I reviewed many Lifetime movies circa the year 2020. Toying with the Holidays is my first Xmas write-up for good old '21. Christmas Day is getting closer so well, it's time again. 

Anyway Toying with the Holidays sort of "toys" with the audience. I mean it's not intentional but you figure the film could've been a tad shorter (I always thought Lifetime yuletide flicks clocked in at 90 minutes). A slow burn, cutesy drama that didn't really have anything at stake? Yeah I got through it. 

So OK, Toying with the Holidays follows the Lifetime holiday blueprint down to its nub. You got the two leads (male and female) who initially have conflict. You have one of the leads saddled with a relative who passed away. You have the same female lead going back to her hometown to predictably save Christmas. Lastly, you have that final smooch at the end which could've happened a heck of a lot sooner. I mean c'mon, just kiss the girl dude!

Toying with the Holidays is a December release that looks about as Christmassy as you can get. I mean every frame could be a postcard from the snowcaps of the North Pole. Watching "Holidays", you secretly wonder if the filmmakers decided to open up a year-long Noel shop between jobs. Heck, "ho ho ho" feels like a regularly scheduled thang.  

Taking place in a fictional town in Illinois and featuring two appealing actors (Chad Michael Murray, Cindy Busby) who I guess have perfectly placed hair, Toying with the Holidays takes the cheese factor and the wraith of Frank Capra and applies it to the concept of resurrecting old-world, model trains. Murray squints, Busby looks good in jeans, the town gets drowned in eggnog, and everybody lives happily ever after. My ka, well it got a full helping of saccharine and glace. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Card Counter 2021 * * * 1/2 Stars

FULL HOUSE

Paul Schrader has been writing and directing films for almost 50 years. He specializes in the irony, the trenchancy, and the moral ambiguity of his brute personas. With 2021's The Card Counter, Paul's exploratory stature ventures to the dark side. And saying Schrader is dark is like saying apples are roundish. It's just true. 

The Card Counter is a drama about playing cards and a whole lot more. It's a numbing, almost glacial viewing experience. It's like Rounders on downers with torture flashbacks. It's 2007's Lucky You where family ties are at a distance. It's Molly's Game but someone actually gets killed or threatened. 

"Counter" is about a gambler named William Tell (named after a folk hero, I looked it up). Tell is played by Oscar Isaac and he's got well, quirks. Tell goes from city to city and stays at hotels where he covers all the furniture with sheets (pictures get taken down too). Tell also drinks a different drink wherever he travels and mostly wins at the table. 

Tell is well, the quasi-antihero, a dude who's thorough but has an off compass. Isaac plays him quietly like a laconic force of nature. Oscar Isaac is the type of actor that you are drawn to and scared of at the same time. It's like Michael Corleone and George Clooney swapped bodies and then well, swapped back again. 

Anatomies begot, Paul Schrader creates a glitzy, sort of sterile character study around Isaac's Tell. And he puts actors like Tiffany Haddish and the boyish Ty Sheridan in Tell's almost sedulous pathway. At age 75, Schrader hasn't lost anything. Accompanied by Robert Levon Been's anesthetized musical score and cinematography that puts the racked extravagance of a casino right in your backyard, The Card Counter gives Schrader the gumption to provide more layers than your average wagered vehicle. You just knew the "odds" would be good. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Humans 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

HUMAN BEGRIME

"The Blake family bounces back that's what we do". That's good because the Blake family kinda has it rough. Everyone has lost their job (or is about to), one of the members has colitis (ugh), one is formally depressed with a trust fund on the way (five years away), and the mom is quote unquote, "eating her feelings" (ouch). The Blake clan (and the daughter's boyfriend) are chronicled in 2021's The Humans. 

So OK, The Humans is like an art house version of a holiday vehicle where everyone weighs up, bickers, and purges. Actors like Richard Jenkins, Amy Schumer, and Beanie Feldstein are well cast and they sort of look alike (that helps because their characters are well, related). They're natural on screen together and the dialogue for "Humans" is pretty much improvised and overlapping. 

So is The Humans avant garde for a slow burn Thanksgiving Day drama? You know it. And does "Humans" have a playful hint of a dwell-ed haunting? Maybe. And is the opening shot for "Humans" a doozy to end all doozies? Yep. 

The Humans takes place in a dingy Manhattan abode where lights continue to go off and pots/pans go bump bump in the night. Rookie director (Stephen Karam) fashions "Humans" as a pic where the camera is constantly peeking in or spying on these complicated, Blake household members. They are filmed chewing the fat (or turkey) in long shots, Steadicams, and wide shots. And that's even in the space of an enclosed, narrow apartment. 

Watching "Humans" is like having mediocre seats at a rock concert where you can obviously hear the music but don't get a great view of the performers. I mean I've never seen a flick shot quite like The Humans. The acting is good however and the remnants of strained, family dysfunction sneak up on you from a mawkish standpoint. I just wish the film's combo of masturbatory lens styling-s, human spectacle (natch), and purported horror came to a final fruition. "Humans" almost "being".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Power of the Dog 2021 * * * Stars

DOG EAT DOG

Jane Campion has done thrillers (In the Cut), comedies (Holy Smoke!), and dramas (The Piano). Now she tries her hand at Westerns with 2021's The Power of the Dog. Campion's eye behind the camera, well it sure is something to "behold" (no pun intended).  

So yeah, "Dog" is a pure, intimidatingly slighted Western piece. And its breadth and width need to be seen on the biggest screen possible. Sure "Dog's" plot about ranchers, sons, and wives via 1920s Montana seems a bit scatty. And at 125 minutes, the film tends to meander (what period drama doesn't?). Still, The Power of the Dog is old-world, wide-eyed, big-skied, and hauntingly yore-d. They don't make em' like they use to and if they did, they didn't look as good as this. 

The Power of the Dog is Jane Campion's ode to all things Terrence Malick and Paul Thomas Anderson. That's basically saying that the flick resembles 1978's Days of Heaven and There Will Be Blood. Every frame is well, a portrait. Every rack focus is um, a banquet (har har). Every pouncing note from "Dog's" film score is uh, soul-stirring. 

Campion's direction in "Dog" is impeccable as she commits to every shot. Look there's a wide angle of someone coming through an entrance at an old barn. Look there's a close-up of a key going in a keyhole. Look there's The Treasure State landscape in all its mountainous beauty. And look there's an extreme close-up of someone fiddling with the teeth of a comb. 

As for the performances in "Dog", well they are raw and subtle, a sort of motile tribute to the days of John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. Benedict Cumberbatch, Kirsten Dunst, and Kodi Smit-McPhee star in "Dog" and they deserve some serious Academy Award consideration. They are part of a character study here and not characters that speed along "Dog's" quasi, green-eyed monster tale. 

Bottom line: The Power of the Dog is an enlightened, old-fashioned night at the movies. Despite its choppy narrative, non-sequential editing, and rushed, brief cutting, this "dog" will still hunt. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A House on the Bayou 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

IN AND OUT HOUSE

"Did that old guy seem odd to you?" Yup. And 2021's A House on the Bayou "seemed odd" even for a sickened horror film. It's like a screenwriter stayed up all night drinking a six pack while thinking up ways to top him or herself. Straw Dogs meets The Skeleton Key meets Funny Games meets Get Out? OK just let me catch my breath. 

Anyway "Bayou" is upsetting, rutted, and obtuse all at the same time. The actors featured look bug-eyed, snaggletooth-ed, and well, long-faced too. Heck, at least the casting director got enough antipode lookers to add to the flick's apparent creep-o factor. 

So is A House on the Bayou scaring on its own merit? It appears so. And what's up with the inverted 80s synth score? And does "Bayou" have enough twists and turns to wear you to the nub? Oh you betcha.

"Bayou" is the type of psychological mind swell that begs for its director to just ease off the accelerator pedal. The cast consisting of unknowns give it their rawest all but for what (dangling loose ends I guess). The viewer while drawn, scratches their head multiple times. I mean two evil doers die like normal human beings and then come back to life like the bumpkins they are. And whatever happened to the black cat character who was a beloved pet? The snarky feline just probably wandered off. 

A House on the Bayou is about a miserable couple who bring their daughter to a getaway house in Louisiana. There they encounter two ruffians who want to hold them hostage and initially kill them. Oh and there's a satanic element involved (that's so voodoo of those marsh people). 

I wanted to love "Bayou" (I really did) but it doesn't know what it ultimately wants to be. Unseasoned helmer Alex McAulay yearns to pull the rug out from under you just for the sheer heck of it. He provides an uneven mix of phrenic horror, occult mush, and snaking thriller heap. The "house" doesn't always win here.

Written by Jesse Burleson 

13 Minutes 2021 * * * Stars

MINUTE MADE

The film title of 13 Minutes refers to the average time to seek shelter during a tornado. And what better setting to feature said tornado than that vortex's habitual stomping ground known as Oklahoma. "Auntie Em, it's a twister! It's a twister!" Indeed.  

So yeah, 13 Minutes is a disaster movie through and through. And even though its screen carnage only lasts about 300 seconds, the flick still reminded me of stuff like Earthquake and The Towering Inferno (just look at "13's" poster and you'll see what I mean). The tornado that enters 13 Minutes about an hour in, is a real doozy. You don't really see it from a distance but up-close the special effects are like a rocket. The way everyone dealt with being in peril, well it kinda shook me to the core. 

13 Minutes is technically proficient, character arc coincidental, and accurately passionate on how it deals with the aftermath and build-up of tornado ideology. The cast in "13" is mostly c-list but they do a pretty decent job. I mean the only persona that annoyed me was Peter Facinelli's Brad. Brad is like a parody of a weatherman with sketchy dialogue readings and a weak southern accent (Facinelli is a New Yorker for crying out loud). 

As something that was probably low budget and dated considering all the disaster porn that came out in the last twenty years, 13 Minutes is a mini triumph for rookie director Lindsay Gossling. Gossling creates a more human drama out of "13". Basically she establishes the characters (and their backstories) for a good amount of time and ditches the overuse of rumble and deafening CGI (yes I'm talking to you Into the Storm). 

13 Minutes is a nifty little ish thriller, a calamity-ed snapshot if you will. You get to know the lunch pail denizens involved, the funnel cloud hits, and almost everybody survives with resolutions looming. "13's" plot is peek-in minimal but I can't help but recommend it. That's my stand after 108 "minutes". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Too Late 2021 * 1/2 Stars

TOO BAD

"Comedians aren't really people". That's harsh. Well the comedians featured in 2021's Too Late aren't really funny either (I could care less about 7-Eleven, shroom, and/or yoga jokes). The laughs you see from the denizens in the audience are well, crocodile laughs.

Anyway Too Late is cinema's "latest" attempt to combine the funny (and unfunny) with hidden horror. Too Late's title, well it refers to a comedy club somewhere in present day Los Angeles. The film at a running time of 80 minutes (with 2-minute ads) is about a Borat-ed club owner who is a monster and eats mostly males (WTF). The club owner's assistant as petite lackey, begrudgingly helps him find his next tasty meal (someone preferably with pills, bourbon, coke, and nicotine in their system).

Too Late is a little indie, and little camp, a little low budget, and almost qualifies as a short (see last paragraph). The actors featured (voice-enhanced Ron Lynch, Will Weldon, Jack De Sena) are unknown one-offs and they appear in the flick's alternate reality where humans just disappear without a moment's notice. 

If you're an aspiring comedian, then Too Late will amuse you and your small circle of only friends' friends (let's hope that's not the case). If you're not a comedy person (that would defiantly be me), then Too Late is like attending a bad night of prosaic vaudeville at Zanies. 

All in all, the gore in Too Late is low-key special effects (except in the concluding, chest-bursting frames) and the love story element is a sort of twisted Greek chorus. You anxiously wait to see how Too Late ends but by then it's um, "too late". The movie is an artsy, amateur entry at a dank film festival where the patrons call it meh and just head out the back door. 

Written by Jesse Burleson