"We have to evacuate". Yeah you do. Sinkholes, earthquakes, tremors, and extended breaks oh my! The late Charlton Heston called and well, he says he wants his open chest hair back.
Anyway 2023's The Abyss has nothing to do with a certain sci-fi flick from 1989. Bible. I mean they share the same title but one movie is underwater fodder with stop frame animation while the other is an art film disaster pic, slow-burned, slowly build-ed up, and slogged about. "Just stay calm". Yeah whatever. I'm calm and more stultified than anything else. Ugh.
So yeah, what do drawn-out sequences of fault line collapses, parodied sandbox descending-s, and laughable rock fracture clips do for you? Not much on my end and that's why I can't embrace The Abyss and its penchant for reveling in the self-fulfilling prophecies of people getting into life-threatening situations via a small, sinking Scandinavian town. "Heck, I can't swim, so you know what, I stay out of the darn pool". Words to live by boss. Words to live by.
"Abyss", well it stars Tuva Novotny, Peter Franzen, and Kardo Razzazi, unknown actors who exhibit stiff line readings, a pouting demeanor, and the unfortunate snag of being poorly dubbed. I mean you want them to survive (kind of) but at the same time, they come off as cliched, periled characters, making bad acumen and saying stuff like "we've got to get out of here" or "we've got to go". And then, well The Abyss concludes a la a nice neat bow, with the town of Kiruna, Sweden no longer going under and everybody seemingly pulling through (except for one doltish daddy). It's like the producers and TV/video monger Richard Holm ran out of wiggle room and decided to cave in, giving "Abyss" its Waterloo, Hallmark ending. Mixed "chasm".
Written by Jesse Burleson
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