Wind Chill 2007 * * Stars

CHILL FACTORED

Two college students embark on a trip to Delaware via a rideshare. It's winter, they're complete blow-ins (or so you think), and they become sidetracked a la a shortcut on some bummed out road. It all goes down like some choked soft drink in 2007's Wind Chill, my latest write-up.

So yeah, one character in "Chill" quips, "are we lost or something?" Something like that, in the middle of nowhere, with damaged car in tote, in the company of temps about to dip to below freezing. Wind Chill, well it seems like a fitting title don't you think?

Anyway "Chill" takes place in snowy Pennsylvania, playing it straight as a thriller until it doesn't, getting all Strangers on us. Minus a standard opening twenty minutes of boy meets girl banality, the film eventually becomes cloaked in supernatural mumbo jumbo, lacking in suspense yet gaining in ennui. First you see some ghosts, then you don't. Sometimes there's a creepy dream sequence, then it's back to spent materiality. Maybe there's a flashback, or maybe it's just a flash in the pan (natch). "They say when you freeze to death, it's just like going to sleep". The sleep part I can attend to.

Wind Chill stars Emily Blunt and Ashton Holmes as nameless non-denizens, one miserable, the other kooky and rather stalkerish. As they try to hold out among the specters, the food rationing, the pink elephants, and the frozen tundra, we the viewer sadly experience a psychological slog, an endless exercise in total horror-filled manipulation if you will. I mean it just goes on and on and well, gets more misguided with the Blunt persona surviving with ne'er a scratch on her. Movies, well they shouldn't be exhausting and emptily dapper, they should be entertaining. That's two sheets out of 4 to this "wind". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trouble 2024 * * Stars

WOE

What I learned from 2024's Trouble, is that the filmmakers really need to figure out what their focus is. I mean is this vehicle a comedy, a violent action thriller, or a prison drama. Uh, make up your mind guys and um, next time try not to cast your leads in the future form of a poor man's Isla Fisher and/or a poor man's Zach Braff (if there is such a thing). 

Some bad dubbing here, a split screen or two there, bumbling, Keystone Cops everywhere, some offhanded humor, Trouble is a total mutt of a movie. And it's hard to care about anyone involved when the themes of wrongly convicted murder and imprisonment are presented in such a dispassionate way. I mean after 98 minutes I didn't expect to have seen a burlesque version of something along the lines of say, The Fugitive. "Something is not right". Uh, to the hilt my friend. To the hilt.

So yeah, in Trouble some of the characters wink to the audience (when they shouldn't), some of the gags and jokes flop and die (as they should), and director Jon Holmberg at least uses Stockholm, Sweden decently as a locale (for some reason I thought Trouble took place in Paris but whatever). 

Starring Filip Berg, Amy Deasismont, and Eva Melander, Trouble isn't awful but as a caper with lightning-quick editing and a few surprising red herrings, still manages to evaporate right after you see it. That's probably because it's difficult to believe the actions of an innocent man trying to clear his name by breaking out of prison, breaking back into prison, and parading around Stockholm as if no one would notice he's a felon fresh from the can. Heck, the diegesis of this flick in general is about as plausible as palm trees in North Dakota. "Trouble" spotted. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Airborne 1993 * * Stars

BORNE ILL WILL

"Let it go man". They wish they could. Uh, high school ruffians don't take certain levels of advice so easily, especially when a surfer dude from Cali is honing in on all their female, worldly goods. 

Anyway I've never heard of 1993's Airborne (have you?). But it's amazing what films you can find on YouTube, just browsing the web for that next, wistful write-up. Airborne, well it's like some teenybopper, coming-of-age vehicle, spruced up passably for the Saturday morning crowd who flinched and decided that maybe cartoons needed a short break. You have the main character (Shane McDermott as Mitchell Goosen), forced to go from sunny California to live with his cousin in Cincinnati, Ohio, just so his parents can get their grant work on in Australia for a few months. While in Cincy, Mitchell has to deal with the local high school bullies who can't seem to adapt to his easygoing demeanor, his way with the girlies, and/or his "cool breeze" inclination. "I need traffic, smog, heatwaves". Good luck getting that on a regular basis via The Queen City Mitch. 

So Airborne is a bully movie and well, it's a pretty thin premised one at that. Sans McDermott who gives a pretty decent performance as Rollerblade whiz and smooth, surf monger Goosen, the flick has rather weak characterizations, some ball-bearing production values, some dorky parent personas, and dialogue exchanges that ramp up the squirm factor (pun intended). I mean what were Seth Green and Jack Black thinking, co-starring in swipe that's just too Afternoon Special for its own good. Oh wait, Airborne came out long before their careers started to blossom so thank god for that. Give me Dazed and Confused and 1999's She's All That any day as opposed to the unintentional, situation farce that is Airborne. Off "air". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Doomsday Prophecy 2011 * * * Stars

DEVINATION

"What the heck is going on?" Uh dude, the end of civilization is near as the ground gradually sinks from beneath your feet. Time to contact mass communication even though they might be lying dormant somewhere. 

Anyway, 2011's Doomsday Prophecy is more than just some early 2000s disaster fodder, some Roland Emmerich breadth of view, or some popcorn, disaster movie blockbuster starring Bruce Willis. Yup, "Doomsday" is a thriller with brains, scatter brains for better or worse. You have a scientist and an archaeologist, racing against time to save the world from destruction via earthquakes and other nasty, mother nature shenanigans. They're wanted for murder, they're on the lam, they possess some neoteric rod, and the Feds are um, doing them dirty. "So you're telling me you can see the future now?" Oh yeah, might want to reassess those shades y'all.

Starring the likes of Jewel Staite, Alan Dale, and AJ Buckley and feeling like a product of distributor Syfy (I was right again), "Doomsday" is military and standoffish, the type of flick where it's the doctors vs the Army and/or the government vs the denizens. Director Jason Bourque, well he builds tension inch by inch, providing clips of earthy ruination in bits and bobs that intercut with moments of radical precognition. Sure Doomsday Prophecy is a TV movie but hey, so was Flight 90: Disaster on the Potomac and well, that turned out okay. I mean I dug it. 

Some airbrushed special effects here, a car chase there, some moments of sci-fi mumbo jumbo almost everywhere, Doomsday Prophecy still has a level of poignancy, a level of revelatory cursory. I mean when other TV pics would rather have you lather in the almighty cheese factor, "Doomsday" makes defined Armageddon feel like the thinking person's, think piece Day of Judgement. Un-false "prophet".   

Written by Jesse Burleson

Under Paris 2024 * * * Stars

KNUCKLE UNDER

Most shark movies have an uber-happy ending or fruition moment. They just do. I mean even Jaws had a contented windup (didn't it?). 2024's Under Paris, well it doesn't possess that untroubled trait mind you. It concludes like some lukewarm Twilight Zone episode or a setup for a sequel, telling the audience that the nightmare ain't over yet. "It will be carnage". Oh fo sho. 

So yeah, we've seen these kinds of flicks recycled and reclaimed relentlessly for the past 50 years. Yup, filmmakers always have a need for um, a bigger boat. Whether it's digital video (Open Water), mother nature (Sharknado), or deep cage diving (2017's 47 Meters Down), there's always room for more swipe about long-bodied marine fish salivating to get their kill on. Under Paris, well it's about a deadly shark and her kin hanging out for blood in the rivers of the "City of Light". Hey, you see it every day, like Don Lino chilling in Lake Huron (har har).   

Starring the likes of Berenice Bejo, Nassim Lyes, and Lea Leviant, Under Paris is more of a shark drama than a shark horror fest. I mean sure there's some barbarity with monster, shark attack payoffs in the second and third act (pun intended). But for much of "Under's" 101-minute runtime you rarely see the darn thing, like Hitchcockian stints on overload. 

Director Xavier Gens, well he helms Under Paris as if he's giving the viewer a slick action thriller a la VOD. It also appears like he's occasionally fashioning a pseudo talkie with decent acting, nice French locales, and some nice, Seine river tracking shots. Hey, don't fret though, the whole shebang is worth recommending anyway. Just grab a beer, a slice of gooey 'za, and become infested, I mean invested in the genre tonic that is Under Paris. Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche 2021 * * * 1/2 Stars

BURIED TREASURED

"It was snowing sideways". I can only imagine what that entails. The heavy stuff falls rapidly and devastates a ski resort via northeast California in 2021's Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche. Seven people passed, one survivor emerged, PTSD eventually kicks in, the base area destroyed. In the end natural forces as a house always wins.

With honest interviews and a shrewdness from those interviewees that were there (center employees, lift operators, local denizens, local media), "Buried" is a wounding documentary that just gets more wounding as it goes along. I mean you watch the body language of the people that witnessed what went down in March of 1982 and well, the events of that famous avalanche really stick in their craws. For reals. Almost forty years later and a nudge and that throb just never goes away. "The grim work went on". Uh-huh.

Arduous accounts, unconscious gesturing, and unwounded time aside, Buried: The 1982 Alpine Meadows Avalanche cuts its time between present day stuff to emulsion-like archives to reenactments to sequences of loud music pouncing in at weird moments (rock ditties, standard and/or otherwise). Despite an opening thirty minutes that carries a certain smugness, a "young and free" turn of mind, and an overload of bed surface technobabble, "Buried" does eventually win you over. Yup, the flick's 96 minutes finally come to a close and you feel cinematically bone-weary. 

I mean the docu has a certain edge to it, a certain numbing severity if you will, with the parables of death and suffering by rocks and ice being almost too intense for a younger viewer to handle (the film is not rated but I'd go with a hard "R"). Heck, in the spring Lake Tahoe wasn't all roses and sunshine. Talk about the snow squall to end all snow squalls. "Buried" is alive!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Transformers One 2024 * * * Stars

"ONE SHALL STAND, ONE SHALL FALL!"

Transformers One is a prequel to the prequel to the prequel to 2007's Transformers (that's a lot of prequels). Heck, you get to find out how Optimus Prime became Optimus Prime and Megatron became well, Megatron. You also get a taste of how three dimensional-y Industrial Light & Magic can stir you. Finally, you realize that Cybertron riffed its look off of Blade Runner, the planet Coruscant, and um, The Fifth Element. "Autobots, roll out". Literally.

Transformers One is voiced by Brian Tyree Henry, Chris Hemsworth, and Scarlett Johansson. That means no Mark Wahlberg, no Shia LaBeouf, and no Josh Duhamel this time around (how refreshing). "One" is also directed by 2nd-timer Josh Cooley, a dude who fashions something that seems midway between live-animated action, a shooter video game, and well, live action. I mean throw out the Anaglyphs cause you might not need them for "One" is pure, canvased eye candy. 

That's not all my Hasbro-loving friends. Name a battle, any battle in any Transformers flick and Transformers One will match it frame by frame. Just add the aspect of Dystopia and heightened, visual reality and "One" is unlike any Transformers vehicle you've ever laid eyes upon. I mean kids will love its cartoon-like humor, its Saturday morning anime feel, and its Tom and Jerry-inspired ferocity. Adults, well they'll be treated to an actual story and not some disjointed, 165-minute blot with Kelsey Grammer playing the rogue heavy ("One's" running time is a breezy hour-and-a-half-plus). 

Note to Transformers enthusiasts (like myself): don't go into Transformers One expecting it to reinvent the wheel via every previous installment dating back 17 years ago. Just think of "One" as a new genre unto itself, as the film feels like it's unintentionally pulling off the aspect of interpolated rotoscope. You know, animators tracing over original footage silly! Mellin "transform". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

247 F 2011 * * * Stars

THIRD DEGREE

2011's 247 F has to do with temperature, hot-arse temperature. The "F" stands for Fahrenheit and the "247", well it's the type of warmth that will melt your face off. 247 F fashions itself in the tradition of stuff like Open Water 2: Adrift and 4x4 and 2023's Inside, movies where someone (or some bodies) are trapped in an ocean or an SUV or a luxurious abode. It's psychological thrills in the simplest, most ready-made form, as 247 F has its characters confined to a sauna because some drunk idiot blocked the door. "To good times." Um, are you sure about that pal? Might wanna hold back on the toast.

247 F stars recent scream queen Scout Taylor-Compton, Travis Van Winkle, and Tyler Mane. It is directed by Levan Bakhia and Beqa Jguburia. As helmers, Levan and Beqa build the situation (college kids bogart a rental on May Day), use the barest bones of a plot (revert back to first paragraph), and let their actors emote when faced with sweating their tails off via an imprisoned steam room. You get to learn what really causes heat stroke (your body stops trying to cool itself off, ugh), you get the full dossier on why boyfriend/girlfriend relationships fail (make-up sex ain't all that), and you realize why claustrophobia is not only reserved for caves, closets, and coffins. "Why not make it hotter than it already is". Uh no, no thanks my impassioned millennial.

A twist here, a turn there, hot molten sauna stones everywhere, 247 F is effective in its ability to be lucid, to just let the most unexacting horrors play out. No ghosts, no demons, no psycho killer, just a brain persona, a princess persona, and a would-be heroine trying to survive the pre-summer night as they refresh their bodies in reverse, yeesh! Convective "heat". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Drive Thru 2007 * * * Stars

GOOD BURGER

2007's Drive Thru feels like a movie you'd see at a "drive-in" theater, complete with projection booth, concession stand, significant other to make out with, and picnic table. Is that a good or bad thing? Um, you could go either way with your gauging as a viewer. I mean most horror films qualify as drive-ins true to form anyway. At least that's what IMDb thinks when you look up their top 100 list.  

So yeah, with blood-spattering violence of the animated, grindhouse kind, Drive Thru makes you think twice about getting on the intercom and ordering that 4th meal at good old Taco Bell. I mean here we have a vehicle about a masked, killer clown, terrorizing some high school kids at a fast-food greasy spoon. No rhyme, no reason, no Five Nights at Freddy's spur, just the fact that he's ticked off and can really snap to it when chasing his victims. "What would you like to order today?" Sorry pal, I'm gonna go home and microwave a frozen pie instead.

Projecting itself as an updated, assembly-lined version of Scream complete with a villain named Horny the Clown who's an updated, assembly-lined version of Ghostface, Drive Thru doesn't take itself too seriously because well, it's about served facilities of the double cheeseburger sort, not non-blinking, Hannibal Lecter types fresh off the funny farm.  

Heck, the whole flick is pure camp, with stereotyped, rude characters played by Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley, and Nicholas D'Agosto complimenting the even ruder Horny (voiced by Van De La Plante). Yup, one moment you're squirming at Drive Thru's zany gruesomeness and red food dye overload, the next moment you're laughing at the relentless gibing, the absurdity of it all. Bottom line: Drive Thru is worth at least one trip to the "so bad it's good", cinematic pickup window. Acquired "motor". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Destination: Infestation 2007 * 1/2 Stars

TERMINUS 

What I learned from 2007's Destination: Infestation, is that it's a thread of Snakes on a Plane from one year earlier. Just call it "Ants on a Plane" as YouTube would say. It's just too bad ants aren't quite as scary as snakes. I mean maybe they are but the film sure doesn't project it as such. "Captain we have a situation in the cabin". You don't say.

Anyway here's the gist with "Destination": a plane flying to the states from Columbia, gets invested with bullet ants whose sting will probably kill ya or make you feel some serious pain. It's up to a confident Sky Marshall and an entomologist to hopefully save the day.

So yeah, here's the problem with Destination: Infestation, it tries to update a certain 2006 vehicle only to come off as a less tighter version of something like Outbreak (complete with a probable, Operation Clean Sweep ending). I mean I blame the clunky editing, the annoying, cliched established characters, and the killer ants themselves. They may sound nasty and look clear-sighted but that's about it. "They're everywhere". Are they though? Are you sure?

"Destination" is directed by George Mendeluk, a dude who needed a better sifter of final content to secure his creature feature, direct-to-video vision. I mean here you have scenes between the ant attacks that slow to a creep, deflating the dramatic momentum like filler or dailies from the cutting room floor. Uh, that's not good for a movie merely 89 minutes long. Then there's the personas of Destination: Infestation who exhibit campy acting and vexing dispositions. It's never a good thing when you root for the evil insects to end these personas instead of the other way around. Finally there's those ants, those wishy-washy ants, only showing up when they feel the need to alpha dog the situation. Come on guys, do you want to harm the humans, forgather for kicks and giggles, or just chew up the fiber optic wires of the craft? Make up your darn minds. And um, no water breaks and/or timeouts in between. For reals.

All in all, Destination: Infestation stars Jessalyn Gilsig, Antonio Sabato Jr., and Serge Houde, actors you don't hear much of anymore. They probably should have fired their agents after this swipe but it's obvious they remained loyal as salivated mongrels. "Destination" bad sign. 

Written by Jesse Burleson