Precious Cargo 2016 * Star

Director: Max Adams
Year: 2016
Rated R
Rating: * Star
Cast: Bruce Willis, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Claire Forlani

Mark-Paul Gosselaar thinks he's hitting his stride in an action drama. And when he blasts golf balls from the sand in Precious Cargo (my latest review), his swing is decent with everything else kind of going to pot. In truth, all I see is the dude from Saved by the Bell and/or Dead Man on Campus. It's the Ryan Reynolds syndrome guys and that can't be good. Bruce Willis, well he now delivers all of his lines sitting down or on a cellphone. Talk about collecting a paycheck without any manual labor. Pathetic. Gosselaar and Brucie barely meet while starring in "Cargo". Yup, it's one of the worst films of 2016.

Precious Cargo with its glossy look and nonsensical boat chases, has an interesting opening scene straight out of 2008's Street Kings. Then it's all downhill from there. The first five minutes are goofy, campy, and bloody. You get to see 'Zack' Morris showing off his gun-toting, badass side. But oops, the opening credits emerge and you know you're in for some bad, B movie rubbish courtesy of Max Adams (he wrote last year's Heist which is heads and tails above this). "Cargo" has villains in it that don't shoot straight, a typecast Willis who gives yet another ho-hum performance (he seems to play the heavy a lot these days), and tongue-in-cheek interludes that are truly out of sync. Added to that, the acting is beyond poor with shootouts that are stupidly violent. Director Adams harbors lots of gunplay intertwined with location shots of various hotels in sultry, Gulfport, Mississippi (who knew Gulfport looked so much like Miami, FL). It's all look-at-me, amateur filmmaking of the unholiest order.

Bottom line: Anyone included in this thing was either desperate for cash, thought that they were making something feasible, or were tired of being washed up (that mostly includes romantic interest Claire Forlani). I could have watched The Conjuring 2 this weekend but instead chose to get in touch with my On Demand side. What a bad investment.

With one of the worst, paint by number scripts ever written (the dialogue includes a heavy demoralization of women and cringe-worthy penis jokes) and only one star-making turn by a dog named Grace (really?), Precious Cargo chronicles a thief aptly named Jack (played by Gosselaar). Jack somehow gets sucked into doing another robbery job with the help of his ex-girlfriend, Karen (the troupers don't have last names, I'm not kidding). Karen is being hunted down by a token crime boss named Eddie (Willis). They are trying to steal I guess, diamonds that Eddie wants but doesn't deserve. It's all hogwash claptrap with everyone trying to act either tough, funny, or overzealous. I wish I was the producer so I could fire all the screenwriters involved (there were two of them but who's counting). When a henchman character calls a beautiful woman character "d*ck breath", that's where I draw the line.

In conclusion, a lot of people die in "Cargo" but the cops are never around. It's weird. In this movie it appears that no type of authoritative agency even exists. Add tired, horrid closing outtakes and you have another straight-to-video casualty on tap (this flick was released in Italy, Portugal, and the UK but was it put out in theaters? That remains to be seen). In jest, Precious Cargo just needs to be sent back. Natch! Rating: 1 star.

Written by Jesse Burleson