Outback 2019 * * * Stars

Director: Mike Green
Year: 2019
Rated R
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Kym Cramp, Brendan Donoghue

"Crikey, blimey". "No worries, mate, she'll be right". 2019's Outback is my latest review. Shot on location in Sydney, Australia, it's a flick about a man and his annoying girlfriend who get lost in "the Land Down Under's" far off interior. Without food, sound judgement, water, or a sense of where they left their car, the couple drink their own urine and encounter some really poisonous varmints.

So yeah, I've seen perilous stuff like this before. I've just never seen it done without hand-held gimmicks or the pitfalls of pretentiousness. Just imagine 2002's Gerry but with a less arty approach and that's what you get with Outback. Also imagine Open Water but without I guess, water.

Outback's cinematography by Tim Nagle is panoramic and deft and the "why so serious?" musical score is all together pouncing. Rookie Mike Green's direction is stalling yet on the level. You ultimately wish Paul Hogan would just show up and help these torn lovebirds find their way back to civilization. You also wish an Aboriginal would come along and propel you to think your way through.

Outback is effective, hallucinatory, dour, well-acted, and has a slight sense of desolate agoraphobia. As a two-person show and a supposed true account, you roll your eyes at the characters for making such bad decisions but you also feel sorry for their unpalatable (and nasty) state of being.

Outback does have a happy ending but not a complete and fulfilling happy ending. The fact that one of these vacationers survived as long as they did with cell service after a few days, is beyond my comprehension. Alas, it's only a movie.

So OK, Outback is no masterpiece but as something that gives you a feeling of being demoralized and left out on the lurch, it gets the job done. Outback as Aussie swallowing beauty, doesn't "crack". Rating: 3 stars. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Captive Nanny 2020 * * * Stars

Director: Amy S. Weber
Year: 2020
Rated NR
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Karynn Moore, Austin Highsmith, Michael Aaron Milligan

"I think they're gonna kill me". Oh yeah, that's reassuring. I guess I'll check au pair off my career list.

Anyway, 2020's The Captive Nanny is my latest review. And in the tradition of the entity in The Amityville Horror yelling "get out!", I felt compelled to say the same thing to the pushover childminder in "Captive". Heck, she needn't be in that reconnaissance house for more than a half hour (hint, hint).

Clocking in at a running time of 100 minutes (with brief commercials) and billed as a thriller with a touch of the "violence of the mind", The Captive Nanny's layered plot goes like this: A young woman who can't adopt and ends up splitting from her boyfriend, decides to take a job as a live-in nanny with a creepy family bent on watching her every move. When said family loses said woman's trust, they confine her to her room and hold her against her will.

The performances in "Captive" are solid with Karynn Moore playing nanny Chloe and Austin Highsmith and Michael Aaron Milligan playing psychotic parents Emily and Michael. Highsmith is the standout and she slowly slides off rails channeling snide villainy, mild rage, and tortured manipulation.

Watching The Captive Nanny, you eventually want her to suffer because she's also a cuckoo stalker. You want Highsmith's Emily to get what's coming to her and its defeating that Moore's Chloe doesn't have the gumption to at least fight back or break a darn window.

"Captive", with all its Flowers in the Attic leavings and its ode to all things invasion of privacy, is one of your more effective Lifetime movie endeavors. It's frustrating, upsetting, gnawing, and bends the spectrum of TV-made, psychological terror. Observing The Captive Nanny in all its crippled sterility, you feel as if you are also "under lock and key". Rating: 3 stars. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

2 Minutes of Fame 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

Director: Leslie Small
Year: 2020
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Jay Pharoah, Katt Williams, Keke Palmer

"I'm not doing whatever I want, I'm following my dream". So says the character of Deandre McDonald when it comes to making people guffaw and completely bust a gut. McDonald with no money, no job, a best friend manager, and a family back in Alabama, ventures to LA to make it as a touring comedian. He rips his home state while becoming a YouTube monger in 2 Minutes of Fame (my latest review).

Anyway, "Fame" at a running time of ninety-seven minutes, showcases star Jay Pharoah as the biggest scene chewer this side of 1990's Jim Carrey. With impressions ranging anywhere from Jay-Z to Eddie Murphy to Tracy Morgan to Denzel, Pharoah is likable if not a little hit-or-miss playing lead McDonald (mentioned in the first paragraph).

Yeah Jay could have been funnier, 2 Minutes of Fame could have been a little more over the top, and Mike Epps could have killed it if someone offered him a slight cameo in the foreground. What's on screen is basically lightweight, R-rated fare and something an aspiring student of stand-up might get insight to. Yup, just imagine watching Last Comic Standing as a pseudo, potty-mouthed version. Then imagine a translucent fever dream that David Chappelle would have concocted right before he became a household name. 

Directed by Leslie Small, featuring Katt Williams in a unique supporting role, and profusely made to subjugate today's Internet age, "Fame" is kinda stupid funny and reminded me of small scale comedies like Half Baked and 2006's Grandma's Boy. The film doesn't push any cruel envelope nor does it advanced the audacity of a career that Jay Pharoah might seek to have. Jay is basically playing himself here and with a direct-to-video feel, he doesn't exhibit enough padding to heighten his desired, star-making platform. Verdict: This "Fame" ain't no obscurity but it's no "grande dame" either. Rating: 2 and a half stars. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The King of Staten Island 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

Director: Judd Apatow
Year: 2020
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Pete Davidson, Marisa Tomei, Bill Burr

2020's The King of Staten Island is my latest write-up. And no, I'm not talking about Staten Island residents like Gene Simmons, Vernon Reid, and Method Man. "Staten" is about a twentysomething who lives with his mom and doesn't really have a career or direction in his life. It also doesn't help that his firefighter father died when he was seven leaving him distraught with low self-esteem, a pot-smoking habit, and ADHD.

Semi-autobiographical in its approach and blunt to the nth degree, The King of Staten Island is Judd Apatow at his most Apatow (yup, he's the director). Judd without the ability to yell "cut", gives us his usual trademarks. We're talking long-winded scenes, longer than normal running times for comedy/dramas, and improvisation to the max. "Staten" with a wandering and bloated eye, feels like the film Apatow was born to make. No one probably refused him final cut and I'm sure that made big Judd real happy.

Starring the likes of Marisa Tomei, Steve Buscemi, and Pete Davidson (he plays the troubled lead in Scott Carlin), "Staten" follows the Apatow badge in which an unknown trouper gets a chance to break out as a main character in a big studio flick. Seth Rogen did it in Knocked Up while Amy Schumer did it in Trainwreck. Davidson does it raw here in "Staten" as a sort of life-imitating-art suitor. He's perfectly cast but you don't quite root for him because his life courses of action and paths aren't fully defined (the romanticized yet pat ending is proof of that).

Much like the journey Davidson's Scott takes, The King of Staten Island as a film feels jumbled and a little haphazard as well. I liked the authenticity of Staten Island's culture depicted and most of the actors in peaking in, slice-of-life mode, are ones you gravitate to. Still, "Staten" proves that Apatow can push the envelope but only in a drifting manner. Funny at times, depressing, and kinda touching, The King of Staten Island is no "court jester" but it's no "crowned head" either. Rating: 2 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Psycho Yoga Instructor 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

Director: Brian Herzlinger
Year: 2020
Rated NR
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Ashley Wood, Lily Rains, Panos Viahos

2020's Psycho Yoga Instructor is my latest review. And yeah I'm wondering, what's up with all these constant, unadorned Lifetime movie titles? Couldn't they have named it something more out of the box like Warriors Breath?

Released on demand just three days ago and at war with who the helmer is (Brian Herzlinger or pseudonym Thomas Sullivan), Psycho Yoga Instructor is adequately slick but not entertaining enough to rival its similar correlative, Psycho Escort. At a random moment, I chuckled to myself silently and said, "what's next, Psycho Indoor Spin Coach?"

Starring unknown actresses Ashley Wood and Lily Rains and featuring a goof of an antagonist in Panos Viahos (he plays Canada Dry-like journeyman and said psycho Dominic), Psycho Yoga Instructor is about a Hindu guru who becomes obsessed with one of his students while trying to nastily break up her flimsy marriage.

Clocking in at a running time of about 90 minutes (without commercials) and featuring yoga poses where personal space is severely invaded, Psycho Yoga Instructor burns largo and fails to provoke any real fear despite harboring a relatively creepy ending ("today is your first step in your growth of what you're meant to be"). Actor Viahos however, did get one thing right. He digs so deep into his role you believe he's Mr. yoga extraordinaire himself ("big inhale, hand and knees halfway left, beautiful long spine").

All in all, Psycho Yoga Instructor is fairly well directed despite a little camp and some interludes of cheesy dreamlike sequences (rub-a-dub-dub in the tub). And the characters although unlikable and humdrum, do have somewhat decent portrayals by everyone involved. Bottom line: Opened to a sequel which will probably never happen, Psycho Yoga Instructor is no "downward dog" but it's no combo thriller masterpiece either. "Asana" everyone! Rating: 2 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

2 Graves in the Desert 2020 * 1/2 Stars

Director: Benjamin Goalabre
Year: 2020
Rated NR
Rating: * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Michael Madsen, William Baldwin, Cassie Howarth

"You tired?" I was for sure, especially at the halfway point of watching 2020's 2 Graves in the Desert (my latest review). If I had to view "Graves" again, I'd probably opt to attend a trying insurance seminar or maybe even a lecture on fine quilting.

So yeah, in 2 Graves in the Desert there's virtually no thrills even though it is billed as a thriller (talk about false advertising). What's on screen is basically sadistic, bloody, and for eighty-four minutes, almost pointless. And yes, it doesn't help that the soundtrack of "Graves" is that annoying and cliched, direct-to-video spy music.

Anyhow, 2 Graves in the Desert involves a man and a woman who wake up to become trapped in the back of a truck. We as the audience don't quite know why because "Graves" has what feels like the bare bones of a plot (something about being nobbled for drugs and quote, unquote, "the formula").

Cassie Howarth and Ivan Gonzalez play the cramped hostages while Michael Madsen and William Baldwin play the bestial kidnappers (Billy Baldwin looks so much like brother Alec now I thought it was Alec).

"Graves" primarily consisting of back and forth discourse in a confined space, focuses less on the star power of Madsen and Baldwin and more on unknowns Howarth and Gonzalez. That gives 2 Graves in the Desert a claustrophobic feel but it also makes the film tedious and a bit of a chore to sit through.

With a couple of flashbacks, some stylized direction from Benjamin Goalabre (a rookie helmer who thinks he's being innovative), callous beatings, and references to the flick Titanic (whah?), "Graves" is sadly the antipode of being entertained. With the potential to be something more diverting, 2 Graves in the Desert would rather dig its own cinematic "barrow". Rating: 1 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Survive the Night 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

Director: Matt Eskandari
Year: 2020
Rated R
Rating: * * 1/2 Stars
Cast: Bruce Willis, Chad Michael Murray, Lydia Hull

"We weren't perfect but no one is". Survive the Night (my latest review) isn't perfect. Heck, it's not even close. But "Night" does have a few tense moments. And co-star Bruce "paycheck" Willis does emote slightly. In verity, he even manages to move from point A to point B and probably showed up on set for more than a week (ha-ha).

Survive the Night while compact in its first half as a ruffian thriller, descends into senseless and labored drivel towards the end. Reminiscent of home invasion stuff like No Good Deed and 2018's Breaking In, "Night" recycles its "evil that men do" screenplay to the point where it rights itself into a corner. "Night's" eighty-six minute running time feels like darn near two hours. I kept wondering why the protagonist characters didn't just get in a car and drive away when they had the chance.

Nasty, remorseless, violent, and taking place in the middle of nowhere, Survive the Night is a sweaty B-movie where the authorities are phantoms that never show up once. Filmed on location in Columbus, Georgia, "Night's" direction by Matt Eskandari is amicable but pretty basic.

On the plus side, the kicker is that Survive the Night has an original hook. The only reason the "good cop/bad cop" criminals invade a country home is because one of them is dying from a gunshot wound and a failed doctor happens to live there.

All in all, Survive the Night does have decent performances (especially Chad Michael Murray as the doc mentioned in the last paragraph) and it effectively hammers the notion that bad things happen to good people. Still, I can't for the life of me recommend "Night" (it was difficult experiencing a scene where a pregnant woman persona gets executed at a convenience store). By tooth and nail, I did "survive" it though. Rating: 2 and a half stars.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Debt Collectors 2020 * * * Stars

Director: Jesse V. Johnson
Year: 2020
Rated NR
Rating: * * * Stars
Cast: Scott Adkins, Lousi Mandylor, Vladimir Kulich

"No more hurting my fellow man". Oh really. Then how come the characters in Debt Collectors "hurt" and spit like no one's business. I mean male bodies are pounded like tenderized meat trolled out at a Four-star steakhouse. Whoever was in charge of the sound editing via many blaring punches needs a little recognition.

Anyway, "Collectors" is a cleanly-staged action film, a pseudo-martial arts mantra, and an ode to how much head trauma punishment a human being can take. It's also a tale of two guys who demand some long, overdue moolah. They accomplish this by using desperate physicality, a non-blarney approach, and no BS.

The amassed actors involved (Scott Adkins and Louis Mandylor) exhibit spitfire dialogue, mobbing frailty, pinched brotherhood, and knuckled fists of fury. Their scenes of prolonged discussion are like Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield: The Dukes of Hazzard version.

As far as this year's releases go, Debt Collectors is about as violent and unforgivable as a "grindhouse" spool on high-grade PCP. Being a second installment to 2018's The Debt Collector (which I have yet to see), "Collectors" is almost akin to the True Romance sequel Quentin Tarantino never had a chance to make (Tony Scott's signature lighting and lead Christian Slater excluded).

Yet to be released in the UK, feeling like a latter-day Western, and directed by a guy who's also a stunt coordinator (Jesse V. Johnson), "Collectors" is about a couple of debt collectors who get involved with a drug kingpin bent on killing them no matter how well the job is done.

This film takes place in LA and Las Vegas with a final shootout sequence that follows some explanatory talk and footsy, electrocution torture. I give "Collectors" a 3 star rating but it's not for the easily squeamish. Yup, you can "bill it".

Written by Jesse Burleson