film reel image

film reel image

Monday, August 7, 2023

Aquarium of the Dead 2021 * Star


How bad is 2021's Aquarium of the Dead? Let me put it this way, how bad was smallpox (pretty bad I'm thinking). "Aquarium" is billed as a zombie movie for sea creatures (check the title, duh). Somewhere the late George Romero is rolling in his grave, rolling like dough.

Aquarium of the Dead makes me wonder why Showtime would ever "show" it on their network. This is more like Syfy channel stuff and that's being generous. The special effects in "Aquarium" are an abomination, shown in green screen greenery and seen in tidbits because they are half-arsed. There's no George Lucas magic here, just continuous shots of a huge alligator and an octopus. I mean you could play a drinking game as to how much filler there is with these ersatz mammals.

Aquarium of the Dead tops out at 86 minutes hence the almost minimal build-up. The aquarium that the characters are trapped in is on lockdown so everybody wanders aimlessly. They say "we gotta go here" or "we gotta go there" but end up backtracking. I mean what is this, the town where The Blair Witch Project went down (ridiculous)? 

The acting in "Aquarium" is no prize either as everyone bickers and explains everything with bad sci-fi, psychobabble dialogue. Oh and there's comic relief too, the kind that makes you want to squirm. Every actor in "Aquarium" is unknown expect for one Vivica A. Fox. I was expecting Fox to say something like, "son, you picked the wrong aquarium" but to no avail. Instead she lets out the most fake scream in the history of cinema. Ugh. 

If I had my druthers, everyone on the set of Aquarium of the Dead would've been fired right before post-production. That includes the director (the first fall guy), the editor ("we gotta go now" or "we gotta move" could be another drinking game), and the makeup artist (which is kinda connected to the vacancy of the editor). Aquarium of the Dead is a "dead horse" or should I say, dead walrus. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

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