Weapons 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

IMPERFECT YET LETHAL WEAPONS

"I think it's best if you keep some distance from this place". Oh and keep your distance from the fellow townspeople who trudge along like the walking dead too. Yikes!

2025's Weapons, well it's about a creepy-looking woman who with terminal cancer, decides to possess children (and adults) into brutally harming themselves and each other. Why you ask? Beats me. Hey, as they say I just work here.  

Anyway when said denizens and tykes get bewitched, they gallop "Naruto run" style, with arms outstretched like guided missiles (hence the word weapons as a title). 

Starring Josh Brolin, Amy Madigan, Julia Garner, Austin Abrams and a host of others, Weapons has a pretty unsettling tone and for part of the way, becomes a mere thinking person's horror endeavor. One might even say the vehicle might require repeated viewings, maybe catch something creepily new seeping into frame. 

By the end however, you're left wondering what the point of it all was with the overrated swipe that is Weapons. I sure did. I mean it's like 128 minutes of gore for the sake of gore, modus operandi for the sake of modus operandi, barbarity for the sake of um, barbarity. "I don't understand at all". Me neither boss. Me neither. 

So OK, what's left to truly admire with Weapons? Well despite its fissure snags, there's a solid directorial effort leaking from Zach Cregger, he of 2022's Barbarian fame. Cregger shoots Weapons in a rather effective nonlinear narrative, as the characters in his vignettes steadily bump into each other with total aplomb. His Weapons is well, the Rashomon of scare fests and something Quentin Tarantino might have done had he shamelessly fooled around with the cinematic occult. Too bad Cregger's keen eye behind the camera overshadows his rather slack script and vapid motives. Makeshift "weapon". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Until Dawn 2025 * * Stars

DAWN AFTER THE DEAD

"Every night, something new is trying to kill us." Great. Can't wait to have an old bag with odious teeth suffocate me. 

Based on a video game and starring unknowns Ella Rubin, Michael Cimino, and Ji-young Yoo, 2025's Until Dawn is a traditional fright fest until it's not (that's a good thing). Until Dawn is also a very hooky film until its effect wears rather thin (that's a not-so-good thing). I mean why does this flick want to mess with its audience and characters just for kicks? And why do said characters have to bite the dust over and over again, sometimes easily, sometimes with weighted effort (huh?)? 

Only "Dawn's" director (the seasoned David F. Sandberg) knows the answers and somewhere he's smiling, thinking he's made a sprawling masterpiece. Easy there boss! Just because you combine elements of The Evil Dead and The Descent and sprinkle it with the almighty Groundhog Day effect doesn't mean you're the master of Italian giallo. Systematic jump scares from the Takashi Shimizu era and MTV-style editing a great horror pic doesn't make. "Up the road, that's where people get into trouble". Well at least "Dawn's" throng gets to see their worming victims get into trouble, bloody corn-syrupy trouble. 

So OK, here's the thing: helmer Sandberg while not playing cinematic hot dog man, conjures up some ghastly, alarming images with Until Dawn. I mean he can make you wince with the makeup department obviously doing their job too. The problem lies in the repetitive diegesis, something about 5 buddies who look for their friend only to get murdered repeatedly while reliving the same darkened night at some haunting abode. Talk about the zapping of dramatic momentum. By the time Until Dawn's abrupt, pat ending comes into play, you've decided that its personas should be put out of their own dolor halfway into the second act. False "dawn". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Straw 2025 * * Stars

NOT SIPPING THIS KOOL-AID

"Something inside of me broke." Ya think? Getting drummed out, getting fired from your job, losing your child, being wanted for murder, being wanted for holdup. Yeah I'd break too, or find a panacea and a bottle of Scotch to medicate.

Anyway in the tradition of movies like 2002's John Q., Ambulance, and 211 comes Straw, something about a single mom who gets embroiled in a day of crime as she holds hostages in a bank because she can't get her paycheck cashed in order to feed her sickly daughter. Taraji P. Henson as Janiyah Wilkinson plays said mom and it's a raw performance, surrounded by a rather depressing, hovel of a Netflix endeavor. You can savor the ooze and grot as Straw's shooting location ("Hotlanta") feels like well, modern day Beirut. 

So OK, if you choose to see Straw see it for Henson's turn alone, what with all her amazing commitment to the role, her indisposed screen presence, and her rearing fidelity. The movie around her, well it's a mixed bag, a profuse satire, showcasing overly mean-spirited side personas who are unenlightened and bent on making Taraji's Janiyah artificially snap. "I just wanna do what's right for my baby." Of course, but why the need to draw out 108 minutes of Straw's malevolent running time when 70 or so would suffice. 

Straw's director (the incomparable Tyler Perry), yeah he'd rather make an "it's only a movie" movie with implausibility and schlock as opposed to dealing with real-life, personage situations. Putting his subjects in a world sans any speck of empathy, hope, or ease, Perry pushes the envelope as only he can creating something where you feel way too sorry for the main character (Janiyah of course) instead of having the audience root for her to find some volition. "Straw drain".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Happy Gilmore 2 2025 * * Stars

BOGEY

What I learned from 2025's Happy Gilmore 2, is that star Adam Sandler has a boatload of friends. I mean he actually got club driving legend John Daly to play himself as some weirdo chilling in Sandler's character's car port. "2", well it just skims the surface when it comes to small parts like Daly. "I haven't swung a club in years." Yup, you're right Sandman, it's been at least 25-plus. 

Anyhow Happy Gilmore 2 is a sequel like Aliens is a sequel, or Terminator 2 is a sequel, or Back to the Future Part II is a sequel. Here's the thing though: bigger doesn't always mean badder, bigger doesn't always mean better, more elaborate, well it doesn't always mean streets ahead. "Let them see the Happy I fell in love with". Great, but does it have to be two sloppy, dawdling hours worth of running time? As Shooter McGavin would say, "this is golf people, not a rock concert".  

So yeah, "2" involves hockey player-turned-golf monger Happy Gilmore coming out of retirement to raise money for his daughter's dance classes while teaming up with some PGA players to thwart the newly crazed Maxi Golf (which feels like the equivalent of LIV Golf, hint hint). The usual high jinks ensue, with "the greatest game ever played" turning into an unscrupulous circus, something that almost veers into that 1988 follow-up with Chevy and Jackie Mason (Caddyshack fans sadly know what I'm talking about). 

Happy Gilmore 2, yeah it doesn't just have cameos mind you, it sprinkles them throughout, like mounds of Parmesan cheese on limp spaghetti. I mean if you're gonna insert Jack Nicklaus, Travis Kelce, Eminem, Jon Lovitz, and Steve Buscemi (that's just 10 percent of the assemblage), then have a story that moves things along, not a barrage of personas that fade in and out like wipes in some depraved, fantasy whirl. Let's face it, the first Happy Gilmore from '96 was tighter, funnier, and will endure more as a cult classic. "2", well it's akin to comedic splatter painting, hoping the messiness will be especial. "Happy" medium.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Brick 2025 * * * Stars

BRICK HOUSED

"Maybe it's like some kind of twisted escape room". Maybe. Or maybe it's just some big-arse wall surrounding your apartment complex and nothing in the freaking world could penetrate it. Don't you hate when that happens. I mean all you wanted to do was leave your hubby in the wind and go outside to get some fresh air. Syke! 

Anyway 2025's Brick is about said wall. It's a thriller that has brains as opposed to showing them splattered on the floor like some sensationalism horror endeavor. Yeah people bite the proverbial dust in Brick but they don't do it in vain, they just do it because they're sick of being trapped like "rats in a cage". Um, thanks for that cryptic lyric Billy Corgan.  

So OK, as something that has a bunch of unknown actors (Ruby O. Fee, Frederick Lau) and was filmed solely in the Czech Republic, Brick is similar to stuff like Cube and Inside and 2017's The Snare, movies where people are hemmed in and have almost no access to any means of survival. 

The only difference with Brick is that it's government fodder, not some supernatural mumbo jumbo or diabolical planning by a random Jigsaw psycho to torture poor millennial-s on the come up. No Brick is meat and potatoes film-making mind you, building tension inch by inch as floors and other barriers are knocked out so the main characters can eventually find their sunlight-ed, Waterloo. "We just need to try everything". Yup, you do boss. You really do. 

All in all, I plan on recommending Brick. Why? Because its premise is simple yet layered at the same time, with director Philip Koch creating situations for his personas where they have to find explications, not impede them. Brick, well it is not overly disturbing, just effectively effective as a Netflix B grader. Sun-dried "clay". Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Trainwreck: Mayor of Mayhem 2025 * * * Stars

WRECK IT ROBBIE 

Rob Ford was the mayor of Toronto, Canada from 2010 to 2014. He died two years after his term so in 2025's Trainwreck: Mayor of Mayhem, he's obviously not around to defend his controversial self. Oh well, what are you gonna do? 

"Mayhem", yeah it's an effective, sort of transitory documentary, edited lightning quick and almost in a rush to round off, as its 49 minutes could've easily been stretched out to 75-plus. Its title has the word "trainwreck" but could also be associated with the words "car accident". Hey, you can't look away from the aspect of contentiousness.

So yeah, Ford got caught doing drugs on camera, he was an alcoholic, and was accused of giving oral you-know-what to some unknown hooker. But hey, the public kind of dug him and he might've gotten a second shot as "Hogtown's" most powerful politician had he not fallen to a grave illness. 

Trainwreck: Mayor of Mayhem, well it basically talks about Rob Ford in the 3rd person, using archives and accounts from 10-15 years ago plus present-day interviews from the denizens that knew him best. Ford, yup he was the P.T. Barnum of elected heads, a real entertaining pill of a human being. He made defamed Governor Rod Blagojevich look like Romper Room by comparison and made Marion Barry seem rather choir boyish as quiet as it's kept. "He turned City Hall into a circus". Uh, fo sho. Fo sho fo sho.  

Now do I plan on recommending "Mayhem?" I have to. I mean it's so well done and brisk, a mere snapshot of a transmission that PBS might've salivated over had they got the almighty rights. And do I think Trainwreck: Mayor of Mayhem is a perfect way to hark back to what made Ford such a kooky stitch, giving the media the business like a rollicking oaf on hallucinogens? Not quite. The flick feels a little dated and it's so brief it might just float away after one viewing. "Train" fair. 

Written by Jesse Burleson 

My Mom Jayne 2025 * * * Stars

MOM SERIAL 

Jayne Mansfield died in a car accident circa 1967 in "The City that Care Forgot" (New Orleans, LA). But she is remembered as a bombshell Hollywood legend, appearing in over two dozen films and getting her Star on the Walk of Fame. 2025's My Mom Jayne is about the closed book of Mansfield, with heeded direction by her daughter and distribution by the always docu reliable, HBO. "The public pays to see me a certain way". Yeah they do Jayne, or should I say did.

So yeah, I've never viewed a Jayne Mansfield flick but I've taken in plenty of her youngest offspring killing it on the TV show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (that would be Mariska Hargitay). Hargitay, well she helms "Jayne" in an intimate, sort of experiential way, interspersing archives with present-day revelations and interviews from her siblings about their siren momma who only lived to be a young 34-years-old. 

My Mom Jayne, yeah it shows Mariska to be a rookie born filmmaker when you look at its continuity determinants, its streamlined look, its camera that's always peeking in, and its ability to have Vera Jayne Palmer be a haunting, wistful presence long after her sudden demise. 

It's only in the last twenty minutes or so that the pic loses its focused footing, exposing the forked, Mansfield family tree the same way Natasha Gregson Wagner did with her nurturer in 2020's Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind (paging Dr. Povich, Dr. Povich). I mean think of your momma bear as a celebration of life Mariska, not some mild, personal resentment brought on by your tough-nosed, Olivia Benson persona. 

Overall "Jayne" is a solid piece of dewy-eyed commemoration, an evocative documentary that tries its darndest to veer away from the throes of vainglory and one's own exorcising of brood demons. Alpha "mom". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

F1: The Movie 2025 * * Stars

F-NEAR-BOMB

"We all lose our jobs if you can't pull off a miracle". The "you" refers to Sonny Hayes, a journeyman, drifter race car driver who loves his playing cards, his broke down mini van, and his slick tires on ye olde track. Hey, eat your heart out Frank Capua. 

Anyway F1: The Movie is a movie about Sonny and his 30 years later, alley-like return to the ring of Formula One (duh). "F1", well it's a sports drama that clocks in at a pretty swift 156 minutes. I mean I didn't think that was possible but it is. Semi-heady sequence, race, semi-heady sequence, race, PG-13 love-dovey clip, uh race. Rinse, rinse, repeat. 

So OK, F1: The Movie features Brad Pitt as Hayes and Javier Bardem as his race team owner Ruben Cervantes. Their scenes sometimes crackle with the rest of the film being rather dramatically inert. Bad side character actors with bad acting voices and a rather hackneyed screenplay from veteran scribe Ethan Kruger that has much ado about nothing when it comes to the lingo of motorsports. That's the misguided rub with "F1". I mean all the visceral, loud-arse heck for leather where you feel like you're in the cockpit doesn't compensate for what a hollow spectacle we've got going on here. 

"F1", yeah it only excels when it appears like a promotional video and/or advertisement for Formula One zealots on the come up. Heck, you've got to wonder if "F1's" helmer Joseph Kosinski gave up the reins to Michael Bay later on in production because producer Jerry Bruckheimer said so. That's a pretty scary thought. 

A little Tony Scott here, a little Cole Trickle there, a phoned-in Hans Zimmer score, the most mediocre parts of all tres, F1: The Movie wants to be as compelling as something like Ford v Ferrari but ends up looking about as Academy Award worthy as Gone in 60 Seconds (ouch). Lost "1".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

"Untold" The Fall of Favre 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

THE UNTOLD STORY

"People say he was a football god". Yup, they're talking about retired quarterback Brett Favre, a gunslinger who had a cannon for an arm and threw enough interceptions to almost equal the number of days in a year (336). Hey, Johnny Utah ain't got nothing on this cat.

Anyway "Untold" The Fall of Favre is a Netflix documentary, devoid of empathy and rounding out at a hasty running time of 62 minutes. Yeah it doesn't celebrate Mississippi's favorite son, it merely lynches him. "Untold", well it delves into the last, dark 17 years or so of Brett's life. You know, when he was sending naughty, you-know-what pics to television personality Jenn Sterger or diverting federal welfare funds to non-welfare related causes. What, did you think "Untold" was gonna be mainly about Favre's Super Bowl title in '97 or his three league MVPs? Get reals. 

So OK, "Untold" The Fall of Favre features Brett Favre not being interviewed but being portrayed as a mystery man and/or enigma in terms of his rise in the almighty NFL ranks. Heck, that's the docu's strongest attribute that's few and far between, a chronicling of Favre's journey to getting that Hall of Fame nod while going over 70,000 yards passing. Too bad "Untold" concentrates more on Favre's smear campaign, as the media and even his own buds (like Peter King) sort of throw him under the proverbial bus. Hey, I'm not the biggest Favre fan (mainly because I live in Chi-town) but if I'm Brett myself, I'd sue "Untold's" production company EverWonder studio for defamation of character. I mean I don't care how well the darn thing turned out. 

All in all, "Untold" The Fall of Favre has solid archives, good pacing, crisp editing, and it holds your attention despite the veritable, Favre "hate" shenanigans. The problem however seems to be that it was either made by some die-hard Bears fan or someone with a huge amount of rancor. "Unfold" is almost completely slanted. Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Becoming Led Zeppelin 2025 * * Stars

RAMBLED ON

"I'm going to form my own band". Yeah you are Jimmy Page, and they will be one the greatest rock bands to ever walk the face of the Earth. Hey, you can't argue with 300 million albums sold worldwide.

Anyway 2025's Becoming Led Zeppelin is a Sony Pictures documentary, a mere bullet point presentation of "Zep's" beginnings stretched out to 2 hours runtime. It's lengthy yet rather abrupt, tastefully done yet surprisingly careful, loud and rocked out yet fairly wandering. Yeah the "becoming" part of Becoming Led Zeppelin made sense here. The "leaving" part, well it "left" me unfulfilled as a critic and as a viewer. 

So OK, why does "Becoming" take 121 minutes to merely go over Zeppelin's collaborative genesis and their rocking, first two albums? I mean if that's the case then make the darn film a miniseries instead, something of better value for good old Netflix to offer. And why does Becoming Led Zeppelin the pic play it so veritably shielded, bypassing their mystique in favor of something that the musical troop approved instead of entertaining any morbid curiosity that could have fueled the eyeing audience. 

So what, no mention of lead singer Robert Plant's fascination with Indian and North African styles of music? No mention of drummer John Bonham's legendary demise in 1980? No mention of Page's obsession with the occult and his purchasing of Aleister Crowley's home? And uh, no mention of Zep's shark incident with a partying groupie (you know what I'm talking about)? 

Sure "Becoming" has well-preserved archives, sure the editing is standard and crisp, sure the interviews are ultimately pensive, and sure, these lads with their thunderous instruments could bring down the house like no one's business. But why see Becoming Led Zeppelin when you'd be better off reading the first half of the bluesy troupe's wiki page in thorough detail. "Becoming" unbecoming. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Karate Kid: Legends 2025 * * Stars

THEY CALL ME LI FONG

I read somewhere on the Internet that Ralph Macchio is 63 years old. That's just crazy to me. I mean he'll always be young Daniel LaRusso in my book. Guess I'm still stuck in good old 1984. Ralph, yeah he shows up about an hour into 2025's Karate Kid: Legends, a sixth film in the distance running, Karate Kid franchise. Macchio's stay in "Legends" adds up to a sort of long-winded, thankless cameo. Yup, he probably got paid about $100,000 a line so that means he pocketed $3 mil. Cobra Kai never dies baby!!

Anyway Karate Kid: Legends is nearly a cash grab, an incredibly underwhelming entry in the Karate Kid canon. It clocks in at about 94 minutes, formulaic, devoid of character development, and sadly made for the malnourished, MTV crowd. I mean you'd be better off watching an alternate, hour and a half action thriller like '83's Revenge of the Ninja. At least you'd get a more compelling, darker side of martial arts met with an actual conflict and/or skirmish. "Sometimes it is the only way to move forward". Are you sure about that boss? Are ya?

Directed by a feature rookie in Jonathan Entwistle and appearing like it was made on a short weekend (that's not a compliment), Karate Kid: Legends is about a young boy who moves from Beijing to NYC only to be coerced by an old sage (Jackie Chan as Mr. Han) into competing in a karate competition called the Five Boroughs Tournament (I've never heard of such a thing). There's a final grudge match, some training, a tormentor, and a green-eyed romance so it's basically the diegesis of the first Karate Kid chapter all over again. The problem here is that it doesn't feel like there's much at stake and despite the punchy fight sequences (which are well shot), Karate Kid: Legends literally evaporates right after you see it. This kid manages to "stay in the picture" until he doesn't. Natch. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning 2025 * * Stars

ON THIS MISSION

I read somewhere that Tom Cruise might do Mission: Impossible movies till he's ninety. That's "crazy town". I mean there's no way that could happen but you've got to admire Tommy boy's ambition. At 62, he's rolled out 2025's Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning, a 170-minute sequel and supposedly the last installment in the franchise. Yeah right. Based on the closing shot of "Final Reckoning", I "reckon" no. Hey, you heard what the Cruiser said.

Anyway Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning unfortunately does what "Dead Reckoning Part One" did two years ago. It provides an uneven, elongated script that nearly dumb-s down the actors. The film is about Ethan Hunt and his buds trying to stop an (AI) called the Entity who could destroy mankind. Yup, that was off of "Final Reckoning's" wiki page, I'm not gonna lie. Otherwise everything else in terms of the flick's diegesis is balderdash in the purest form. 

So what's left to admire with "Final Reckoning?" Well you have shootout and/or fistfight scenes and the Cruiser risking his life doing his own stunts. I mean isn't that why we pony up $10.50? Sadly either said scenes are cut too quickly or Tom's Hunt takes forever to retrieve a submarine module underwater or chase down a baddie in a biplane. Yeah, I'm thinking Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning needed an editor with a tighter sense of craft or someone with the legendary pedigree of Thelma Schoonmaker to sift through the whole lumpy shebang. "This can't all be true". But it is my dear, it truly is.  

Mission: Impossible - The Final Reckoning is directed by Christopher McQuarrie, a sometimes meat and potatoes filmmaker and Tom Cruise's cinematic, Siamese twin. I mean I liked his touches in the first hour, what with all the psychedelic fast cutting and the flashbacks, a sort of greatest hits collection in regards to the other seven M:I pics that came before it. But ultimately, "Final Reckoning" is a slight letdown, an almost blatant excuse to put out another one of these bloated things in 2-3 years. More of Tom Cruise running (eh), more of Simon Pegg acting like well, Simon Pegg (ugh), more globetrotting than the TV show Where in the World is Matt Lauer (double ugh), and Hunt having to save the world because no one else can fit it in their darn calendar. Um, there's no "self-destructing messaging" going on here. Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Con Mum 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MIXED GAZUMP 

2025's Con Mum is a sad, factual film made only sadder by the fact that the black hat involved didn't get charged with any crime. I mean she could be wobbling around somewhere today, scamming the bejesus out of some poor schlub. Yikes. 

Anyway "Mum" is shot in the standard, docu form. It's film-making 101, a rinse, repeat of interviews and recent archives and present-day swipe, sterile and wonted and made for the TLC Network as opposed to the big screen. 

The victims in Con Mum, well they become pathetic, self-enablers. The "mum" in Con Mum, well she becomes as hated as any real-life character you could ever imagine. Now did I feel sympathy or commiseration for any fifteen minutes of fame-r involved here? No, just a bilious feeling in the pit of my stomach as I did the good old SMH. And does "Mum's" veteran helmer Nick Green provide a happy cessation and/or a fruition moment when those 88 minutes of running time are up? No, just a downer of a summing-up, where separation and false clean hands are involved. 

Containing a twist and taking place mainly in London (and just about everywhere else), Con Mum is about an 80-year-old woman who seeks out her actual, estranged son and his female partner and proceeds to diddle them out of nearly $500,000 US dollars (hence the twist). It's like that email you get from a kite that says, "give me $20,000 and I'll get you $5 mil" (yeah right). The mum in question is Dionne and the couple is Graham and Heather. "I never stopped loving you. I just want to be with you as much as I can". Yeah, whatevs Dionne.

So yeah, remember that line from a certain Matt Damon flick from '98? You know where Matthew's Mike McDermott says, "if you can't spot the sucker at your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker". Well that applies to Graham and Heather, two naive foodies that seemed to have been easily duped by a husky, "Pat" of a human being that's nearly bald, unable to move freely, and likes to completely butcher the English language. I don't know whether Con Mum is a cry for help for Graham and Heather or a route for them to make a profit off this documentary after being taken for a monetary ride. Either way "Mum" is a very uneven viewing experience. Def "con". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Deadly American Marriage 2025 * * * Stars

AMERICAN REVISED VERSION

It's not everyday that a Dateline episode gets put on celluloid but here we are with 2025's A Deadly American Marriage. I mean the only things missing are the commercials, those aerial shots of Podunk towns, and Keith Morrison's legendary creeper alert. "It's one of the bloodiest crime scenes I've seen in a long time." Yeesh!

Anyway "American Marriage" is a documentary, fact-based and quite disturbing when you realize that the people doing the crime never actually did the time (talk about a dead giveaway and/or spoiler alert). The film is about the murder of Irish gent and North Carolina native Jason Corbett, who supposedly was offed by his wife Molly Martens and his wife's father Michael Martens. 

Yeah there's some interviews, some barbarous scenarios, and that compulsory trial. Sound familiar? Well it should. I mean I would've written "American Marriage" off completely (pun intended) had it not been so darn well done and involving. Case in point: when's the last time you pooh poohed an installment halfway through of that long-running, NBC reality legal show to do some knitting on a Friday night? Exactly.  

So OK, you're probably thinking do I plan on recommending A Deadly American Marriage? Sure why not. But I'm recommending it for its craft and veritable, visual spiel as oppose to its almost non-existent level of freshness. For instance, if "American Marriage" predated Dateline and a young Josh Mankiewicz rolled in to be the moderator I'd probably call the flick a masterpiece, a real innovator of the probing of true crime. But here we are in the present, where there are 6 NCIS shows, 6-7 shows like 48 Hours, and thousands and thousands of podcasts about real torts and such. A Deadly American Marriage is oddly akin to the cinematic equivalent of the guy (or girl) who still buys CDs at Borders bookstore. "Marriage" mart. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Golden Voice 2025 * * Stars

GOLDEN SLUMBERED

A clearly independent film with a perfectly cast Nick Nolte as a grizzled, homeless war veteran. It should work right, until it doesn't. What starts off as a hard-hitting drama in the opening 30 minutes turns into a mawkish, God's Not Dead-type sequel in 2025's The Golden Voice. 

So yeah, the "voice" in The Golden Voice refers to KJ (played by Dharon Jones). KJ wants to audition for an American Idol-style TV show but doesn't have the cash, the pull, or the family support to do it. Nolte's Barry is the dude that befriends KJ who with guitar and lyrics in tote, is on the verge of suicide. They both rely on each other for cleansing therapy, as their back and forth banter is of yore and/or the despairing, present-day variation. Some of the scenes crackle, other times they come off as plodding. "You've got a voice good enough to perform on any stage". Yeah but first that stage has to be a lowly street corner for tips. Believe that. 

Distributed by Vertical Entertainment, shot nearly four years ago, and directed by the unseasoned and possibly swayed Brandon Eric Kamin, The Golden Voice feels like two different halves of one movie. The first half grabbed my attention, a sort of numbing portrait about what it's like to be a vagrant, dumpster-diving and sleeping in a man-made shelter and being tormented by everyday denizens, all to the atmospherics of haunting, morose Philadelphia locales. The second half is pure bunk, a sort of Christian dramedy and/or Afterschool Special of the bible-thumping variety. Community theater acting is a mainstay and seeing Nolte's character have to dance to some tuneage is quite a cringey experience. Either there were tag team helmers involved or Kamin didn't have a say over final cut. Passive "voice". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror 2025 * * * Stars

CITY WALLS

The Oklahoma City bombing occurred on April 19, 1995, carried out by two terrorists named Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols. The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building was the main target of said bombing, as over 150 denizens lost their lives amidst the dust and rubble. That's the blueprint for Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror, a competent documentary which begs the audience member to dredge up the sadness and utter gloom of something that happened thirty years ago. "I thought maybe I was dead, but I was buried alive." Yeesh!

So yeah, "American Terror" is not a frills docu nor does it try like heck to reinvent the desperado wheel. It does however give you the proverbial creeps as you watch it, loading up with 82 minutes of grainy archives, old school social media platforms, and present-day interviews from the battered people who were there. The Oklahoma City bombing, well it predates 9/11 and COVID and the D.C. sniper attacks and Columbine and all the other despairing crap this country has had to go through. Director Greg Tillman knows this and gives "American Terror" the feel of a horror film and/or lingering incubus. It's like taking in the look of The Belko Experiment or 2017's The Snare but without all the aspects of being arcane.  

Oklahoma City Bombing: American Terror, yup it's lean and mean, a mere thumbnail as opposed to viewing something about the same occurrence via a miniseries or whatnot. A haunting image of the dissected building here, a haunting image of a projectile victim there, the actual explosion caught on vintage camcorder, an overhead shot of an edifice that looks like the inside of a fraying skeleton. "American Terror" with its mere, brief snapshot of a running time, almost feels like a cinematic hack job. That's if it weren't so darn soul-stirring. Gravity "bomb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

iHostage 2025 * * Stars

iPADDED

"At some point it ends". Yup, it sure does. And if you're referring to 2025's iHostage, it ends quite abruptly. No mystery, no twist, no intrigue, just cut and dried, finito! 

Anyway iHostage is an inessential slickster of a movie, the kind of stuff Brian A. Miller would've done ten years ago. A subtle zoom here, some shiny cinematography there, an empty, forceful musical score, a few pedestrian gunfights. iHostage is about some crazy dude who strapped with a bomb, invades an Apple Store, demands millions in Bitcoin, and takes someone with a heart problem as his captive. The film obviously has a hook with the whole tech company thang and such. Otherwise it would be about as trifling as watching reruns of American Gladiators on a Wednesday afternoon.

So yeah, iHostage stars Soufiane Moussouli, Admir Sehovic, and Louis Talpe, actors who give performances anywhere between middling to overreaching to ample. They are caught in a flick that although decently edited, feels dated when you compare it to more heightened swipe like 2005's Hostage, Captain Phillips, and/or Mel Gibson's Ransom. Oh and it doesn't help that this thing is based on a true story. I mean that's some serious injustice mind you. You're better off reading an article about the events of iHostage or watching a documentary about its detainee conch on free-to-air television. You certainly would get a more cavernous point of view. 

Directed by seasoned helmer Bobby Boermans and shot with sheeny locales in Amsterdam, iHostage has a few tense moments and anything but a downer of a coda. The problem is it doesn't bring new or fresh material to the denizen-seized genre. 100 trivial minutes go by, complete with an angry terrorist, some scared internees, a negotiator chiming in, and good old SWAT getting their gun on. We're talking cinematic deja vu here. Oh wait, there's a million dollar retail outlet and ear buds involved. My bad. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Drop 2025 * * * Stars

DROP IN

Widow Violet goes on a date at some swank restaurant. Violet's phone receives messages from some unknown creeper telling her that she either kills said date or said creeper will off her son and sister (who are at home nearby). That's the gist of 2025's Drop, a workmanlike thriller that sometimes slows to a halt and other times comes on like gangbusters (especially when nearing its coda). Violet, well she is played by Meghann Fahy, a little known actress but a future star in the making, leading lady. "Please, what do you want from me?" Oh not much, just keep doing your thang Meghann. Keep that dream alive. 

So yeah, Drop is not really an exercise in style nor does it possess any swooping camerawork and/or mad storytelling from perspectives. I mean I could only imagine what could have been had Brian De Palma or Pete Travis got a hold of this material, giving the audience member some sort of Rashomon effect complete with a few gnarly tracking shots. Yup, that would be neato. 

New Hollywood generation helmers and unique plot devices aside, what Drop lacks in modus operandi it gains in provided suspense, some gaslighting, and a little nasty tension. It's a whodunit, a who done did it, satiny and glossy and bent on showing the glitz and glitter of Chicago (the film's setting). No, you don't have to adjust your eyes, it's not Tokyo or Malaysia you're looking at, it's the City of Big Shoulders. Clearly the location scout hadn't been in the loop (pun intended). 

Drop, yeah it feels like Die Hard in an eatery or some Halle Berry actioner from a few years ago. Barring a few annoying characters (chiefly a waiter) and some major implausibility, it's compact, isolated, and examined, a one-milieu stage play that eventually turns steadily violent. I enjoyed it, I got into it, but in the back of my head I knew it was capable of being so much more twists and turns begot. "Drop anchored". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Holland 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

DUTCH TRIP

"Here here the best part because you get to make up a story and control everything". Gee, if only that worked in the cinematic world consistently, like when Rob Reiner got behind the lens and told Kathy Bates to let er rip. 

Anyway 2025's Holland is a stoner fever dream, the type of movie that relies on visual symbolism and grisly palate as opposed to actually delivering a story that is not cut and dried. A dorky husband who is suspected of being unfaithful to his wife is actually a serial killer. And said wife jots around stakeout-style while acting a little cuckoo bird herself. What, we're supposed to think this is out of the box stuff just because Holland's hook is that it takes place in a small burgh via the state of Michigan? Get reals.

So OK, Holland stars Nicole Kidman, Gael Garcia Bernal, and Matthew Macfadyen, actors who give raw, disciplined performances despite the final, work-shy result. Lots of match cuts here, a hallucinatory image there, dazed nightmare sequences everywhere, some cognitive freak-outs. Holland isn't an awful flick but it's certainly an off-center one, looking like TV swipe from the 70s, taking place in the early 2000s, and feeling like 1950s suburbanite, h-e double hockey sticks. "It may seem like we have everything all together but right under the surface it's like we're being strangled." You don't say Australia's favorite Oscar victor. You don't say. 

I'd say (pun intended) that Holland is a director's pic if there ever was one, with helmer Mimi Cave committing to every shot even if her diegesis is about as stale as every 90s satire a la Kathleen Turner or some black comedy from decades ago starring Roseanne Barr. I mean do you want nuclear family noir or Stepford Wives avant-garde. I myself can't decide. "Great lakes okay times."  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Black Bag 2025 * * Stars

FADE TO BLACK

"What's on the menu?" That's a good question, especially when maverick helmer Steven Soderbergh is coming out of his cinematic, Howard Hughes phase. 

Anyway every time I think Soderbergh has retired from directing, the dude just keeps nearing back, like Jason Voorhees, Chucky, or The Terminator. He's basically saying to his audience, "did you miss me?" So what's Stevie up to in 2025? Well he's almost on holiday making Black Bag, a pseudo thriller that's so compact, last-minute, and terse it might just wither away. 

I mean it, man this is "pretty thin" stuff (to quote Danny Glover's Roger Murtaugh). A slither of violence here, a small interrogation scene Clue-style there, a couple of flashbacks toward "Bag's" coda. You take away the brilliantly ominous music of David Holmes and Black Bag is basically an afternoon table read with some really good actors. It's also occasionally slick and uncharacteristically shiny by Soderbergh's routine standards. Yup, just think the opposite of his Traffic shot with a more spherical lens. 

93 minutes is the runtime of "Bag" and that's with credits, something about some SIS operatives who are being investigated for betraying the nation by leaking some top-secret, software application. Michael Fassbender, Cate Blanchett, and Naomie Harris star and even good old Pierce Brosnan rolls in for an extended cameo. Unfortunately they are trapped in a flick that feels more like a verbose short than a full-length feature. 

Black Bag (the title is referenced once in the first half-hour) is one talky SOB, and I wasn't quite sure what everyone was "talking" about. Because the film is so brief and ends so abruptly, you probably need multiple viewings to figure out the intentions of these deft, British intelligence officers. This is not for entertainment value mind you, it's for you know, the latter. Mixed "bag". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chelsea Handler: The Feeling 2025 * 1/2 Stars

ILL FEELING

Chelsea Handler is not really funny these days. She's just not. I mean maybe she once was about ten-plus years ago, on her celeb talk show or in that box office bomb This Means War as Reese Witherspoon's best bud Trish. Heck, I almost forgot about her threadbare existence until she showed up in 2025's commonly-directed comedy special, Chelsea Handler: The Feeling. Yup, I didn't chuckle or snort once mind you, prompting me to think "Chels, you should've left well enough alone." 

So yeah, do I think Chelsea Handler however is mildly attractive and/or aggressively astute? Oh fo sho. That sandy blonde hair, that decent, 5' 6" frame, that raspy voice, that potty mouth. Sure, why not. But do I think she can tell a joke, overcome a laugh track, or deliver a solid punchline? Nada, not in this lifetime. Uh, just because you spew the F-word, talk at full volume, embrace the fans of the LGBT, or get your self-centered on doesn't make you a legendary farceur, it just makes you reek of being pesky. Handler, well she could learn a lesson or two from stand-up sensation and gross out monger Nikki Glaser. Chelsea, yeah I'm talking to you, ditch the shiny outfit and not try so darn hard. Come on miss thang, embrace "the suck", for reals.  

Whether Handler's waxing on about auto-eroticism, possibly getting busy with the governor of New York, having uncomfortable coition, or the vacancy of her siblings with whom she obviously doesn't like, her "Feeling" meanders, goes off on tangents, and becomes downright unrelieved. I mean the woman isn't much of a storyteller, just a professional pie-eye-r who despite not being wasted, still seems to say whatever pops in her head. Now did I ultimately get "the feeling" in regards to Chelsea Handler: The Feeling? H-e double hockey sticks no!  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Novocaine 2025 * * * Stars

DON'T THINK DON'T WORRY EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE

"Oh my gosh, you're a superhero". That's right boys and girls, eat your heart out Mr. Fantastic. 

Anyway 2025's Novocaine is about a main character who can't feel pain. So hey, why not make it one of the most barbaric and violent movies ever made. I mean Nathan "Novocaine" Caine (played by star in the making Jack Quaid) gets put through the almighty ringer here, battered, bucked, and bruised like some human pinata filled with ichor. "So what's your deal?" Uh, more like what's your deal bonebreaker? Natch.

Novocaine, well it puts the action comedy in action comedy, parading around like some warped B-movie playing at the kung-fu grindhouse. It's bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip then bloody fistfight clip then payoff then quip. Rinse, rinse, repeat. Continued echo. "Hey bleep-hole, feel this!" Uh we feel ya Caine, boy do we feel ya. 

So yeah, as something about an assistant credit union manager who uses his special set of skills (and malady skills) to save his would-be girlfriend from the throes of some jag bank robbers, Novocaine is nearly the antitheses of being parlous and fraught with danger. Yup, it's the type of vehicle that has you squirming one minute and snorting the next, with its tongue clearly planted in cheek (or corn syrup-soaked cheek and just about everything else). 

Starring the likes of Quaid (mentioned earlier), Amber Midthunder, Ray Nicholson, and Spider-Man character actor monger Jacob Batalon, Novocaine carries a huge plot turn of events (which I won't mention) and about five or so endings where its black hats come at you relentlessly like The Terminator. The flick obviously doesn't have an A-list cast but its hook of mild-mannered dorko-s with a sense of badassery and CIPA to the hilt might carry it to ten years after cult status. Comfortably "numb". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Twister: Caught in the Storm 2025 * * * Stars

TWISTER SISTER

"The worst thing that could happen". Well that would be a hardcore vortex of violent liquidation and neato cyclones. Poor Toto, his exterior terrier, and Uncle Henry didn't stand a chance. 

Anyway the flick I'm about to review starts off as a little pretentious, with interviews by some local yokels who think Joplin, Missouri's "you know what" doesn't stink. Then The Twister: Caught in the Storm kind of grows on you, like big-arse fungi as a toadstool, showing the devastation of tornadoes in a town of 51-plus thou. "Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It's a twister!" Indeed. 

"Caught in the Storm", yeah it's shot mostly in MTV style, like watching Ridiculousness, Road Rules, or some antiquated version of Teen Mom. The film doesn't need no stinking middle-agers, numerous protective parents, or grandpappies, just a dozen or so millennials who seem punch-drunk just to get their 15 minutes of fame. 

Yeah there's archives from 2011 in the form of flashbacks, flash forward probes that are raw and unrestrained, and a burgh devastated by dust devils like Hurricane Katrina on steroids. The Twister: Caught in the Storm is a dense, documentary slice of Middle America, Americana. Rob Dyrdek rears his proverbial head while Mother Nature gets triumphed over. 

So is "Caught in the Storm" a masterpiece in the realm of desolation, docu dramedy? Uh, not quite my weather nerds. I mean why should Joplin, MO get all the sentimental love when so many other places have been torched by the throes of nasty, freewheeling tempests (I live in Illinois so the funnel clouds of Washington come to mind). And is The Twister: Caught in the Storm edited crisply and storyboard-ed to maximum effect? Oh fo sho. Director Alexandra Lacy is stealth in gradually delivering the trauma even if she's stuck in pop-cultured, grungy 90s residuum. "Storm" trooper.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Delicious 2025 * * Stars

"YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY I GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"

2025's Delicious is a director's movie if there ever was one. It's modus operandi over substance. It's style over pith. I mean what was that line from a certain 60s biopic from thirty-plus years ago? Ah yes, "you want your creative activity spoon-fed to ya?" Pun so intended.  

Anyway Delicious is about cannibalism and bad espousals and taking in total strangers and seeing what human flesh looks like in prime rib form (yikes). The title, well it pretty much says it all for at least the last 15 minutes (give or take). A rich family with the personalities of pet rocks befriend a young, injured woman and let her live in their swank vacation home. Chaos and tension gradually ensue (as they always do).  

Starring the likes of Carla Diaz, Valerie Pachner, Sina Martens, and Fahri Yardim and made about two years ago in well-to-do-cultured France, Delicious seems like the art film to be the be-all, end-all of all art films. Um, I'm not sure if that's a good thing mind you. Helmer Nele Mueller Stofen commits to every shot whether it be a rinse, repeat of wide likenesses, longs, and overheads. She seems to be channeling her inner Kubrick and/or Wes Anderson but forgot that story, character development, and a little rapidity matter too. 

The diegesis of Delicious, well it literally doesn't unfold until the late part of the third act. And Volker Bertelmann's stirring musical score can only do so much to heighten what little impetus Delicious possesses. The actors give decent performances when they're not pregnant pausing and Provence seems like a darn nice place to visit. But when a pic comes off more as a series of priceless paintings clicked over on a slide show than actual celluloid, it's probably not worth reaching its cinematic Waterloo. Bitter "taste". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Chaos: The Manson Murders 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

MURDERS HE WROTE

"Manson became exactly what the CIA was trying to create". That's a darn scary thought I've never even heard about. Man I've lived a pretty sheltered life. 

So OK, I never thought I would revisit the catacombs of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood again, an adapted refresher about Charles Milles Manson and his minions hanging out at some dude ranch outside of sunny LA. But here it is ladies and gents, an actual documentary involving America's most notorious cult leader and his foray into the Tate-LaBianca killings circa 1969. 

Chaos: The Manson Murders, well it's said docu, a sort of acid trip incubus that rounds out to an untidy 95 minutes. A hallucinatory image here, an archive done microfilm-style there, interviews from writers I've never heard of everywhere, a split screen. Yeah "Chaos" is just good enough to keep the viewer totally beguiled and drunk in. With rather raw confabs between the warped Manson and his straight-faced journalists, the pic is above the cinematic Mendoza line when it comes to all things transmission. 

So um, what keeps Chaos: The Manson Murders from reaching adaptation glory greatness? Well it's veteran helmer Errol Morris and the way he puts things together (or doesn't put things together). I mean "Chaos" is well-directed from a style standpoint but it's also oddly tangled from an editing slant. Instead of concentrating on Charley boy, his mind control, his murderous intent, his hyperactive psychopathy, and his stint as Beach Boys buddy monger, Morris waxes mostly about the late 1960s instead, you know, social norms and civil rights and psychedelics, yada yada. His adroitness mostly wanders giving "Chaos" a viewing experience that is rather gallivanting. "When a story did start to emerge, it was managed very carefully". Are you sure about that Errol? Are you bro? Primordial "chaos". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Squad 36 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

AMBIVALENT OUTFIT

2025's Squad 36 is like a form of mild noir. I mean it's a little too modern day to take place in the 1950s but it does have the gumption to be a film about investigations into the conch of professional murders. Its lead (Victor Belmondo as Antoine Cerda) wanders "36's" French landscape like he's Columbo and/or Philip Marlowe, asking questions with his mediocre-dubbed voice, his near-wooden acting, and his surprisingly searing screen presence. Belmondo, well he appears and shifts like a younger version of a droopy-eyed former Beatle (what you say?). He's in nearly every frame for better or worse. 

So yeah, let's get back to the movie as a whole shall we. Squad 36 is a bit of a slog, a flick that's 30 minutes longer than it should have been. Lots of characters, a few subplots, a lot of slickness. Yeah "36" probably needed a different editor to wade through all this 2-hour-plus hodgepodge. But hey, at least Squad 36's director (Oliver Marchal) is going for a thinking man's thriller as opposed to some mindless actioner starring Thomas Jane and former paycheck monger Bruce Willis (for example). "36", yup it's about a scrappy cop who goes rogue, trying to inspect the deaths of his workmates through off-duty, detective toil. 

All in all, Squad 36 has got streamlined direction, a nice techno soundtrack, some adequate Paris locales, and a certain level of atmospherics. The problem is it's a little too disjointed for its own good. I mean you go back to the pic's elongated running time (124 minutes) and think, "is this some sort of rough cut with a tacked on ending just for kicks and giggles?" Add some unknown troupers with unsung names (Juliette Dol, Yvan Attal), some random shootout clips that are on and off the screen faster than a speeding bullet (pun intended) and you have a well-intention-ed yet mixed review from me. Odd "squad". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Wrong Track 2025 * * Stars

OFF TRACK

Manipulative, suggestive, mean-spirited, and recherche sports-related, 2025's The Wrong Track makes a movie like '85's American Flyers seem well, surprisingly tame. It's about cross-country skiing competitions set to lush forestry and frozen water, vapor-covered elevations, a long shot here, an overhead shot there, a wide, some full-frontal nudity (what?). Man I wish I knew what made "Track's" director (Hallvar Witzo) really tick. I mean he's been in the game for 15 years now and I've never heard of any of his swipe. "Can't we try to put all this aside for now?" Sorry, no can do my friend. 

Filmed in snowy Europe (I'm thinking) and featuring some poor dubbing courtesy of good old Netflix (it's their thing now), The Wrong Track is a pic that doesn't know what it wants to be, kind of like a broke twentysomething that's young and dumb and straight out of trade school. I mean is it a romantic drama, a dog-eat-dog, pastime endeavor, a Jake Kasden wannabe, or a dry-humored comedy with thick English accents? That remains to be seen. "Are you out of your mind?" No. Only if I have to glide without going downhill, for hours on end, and forgoing the use of lifts. Ugh!

So yeah, a vehicle about classic ski style originating in Nordic countries doesn't seem like the sexiest thing to ever be put on celluloid. No wonder helmer Witzo had to intersperse "Track" with dramedy, wee and poop jokes, a little whoopee, boring Skiroute-s, and shards of innuendo. Talk about a slippery slope (pun intended). I mean if you think a sad sack, unemployed divorced woman (Ada Elde as Emilie) finishing last in a ski race to appease her fam is a cinematic revelation then more power to you. I'm sure there's a feel good moment there buried beneath the shine of fresh powder. Proved me "wrong".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode 2025 * 1/2 Stars

MOTHER GOOSED

I really can't stand it when a comedy special shows up on Netflix and it's a comedian I've never heard of, acting ostentatious, mugging to the audience, and feeling the need to wait for someone to laugh at him or her. At 54 minutes, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode is that comedy special, a rather generically-filmed snippet where a sort of forced laugh track has seamlessly been inserted (I could be wrong but it sure felt that way). 

So yeah, I'm not saying Rosebud is dead in the water because she does have attributes, just not in the realm of being humorous. I mean she's attractive, she's got screen presence, she has a nice raspy voice, she managed to pick the right Rodney Dangerfield milieu, and the girl can hurl the F-word like nobody's business. It's just that I didn't giggle at all during "Mother Lode", probably because I was comparing Baker to another potty-mouthed chick, that being Ohio's favorite farceur and blonde hot mess, Nikki Glaser. Um, at least Nikki makes you laugh nervously while being offended by her whole affronting, kit and caboodle. Believe that. 

Cincinnati-born funny-women and profanity-laden stand-ups aside, Rosebud Baker: The Mother Lode was filmed in New York City and edited to the point where some parts show Rosebud 8 months pregnant and other parts show she's just recovering from having a little tyke. Yeah, it wasn't really groundbreaking even though it felt like my eyes were playing tricks on me. Whether Baker is waxing on life as a Republican, dealing with her hubby (who's also a tummler), rambling about the downside of relations, being the poor man's Glaser, or recalling having ye olde bun in the oven, "Mother Lode" is just non-zany noise and not worthy of being set free to the masses. "Comstock lode". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Kinda Pregnant 2025 * 1/2 Stars

NOT SO PARTURIENT

Lainey Newton (played by Amy Schumer) fakes being pregnant by wearing a false baby bump. Why you ask? Because pregnant people are treated better and respected more by total and complete strangers. Plus, Lainey's friends are also preggo and she wants to connect with them. That's the rub of 2025's Kinda Pregnant, a sort of cutting room floor of some Judd Apatow dailies that never made the grade. "I've always known I wanted a family". Uh, you got a funny way of showing it there Newton.

Anyway I'm a sucker for a raunchy R-rated flick, a trend that seemed to start in the late 90s with stuff like American Pie, 1997's Orgazmo, and There's Something About Mary. With "Kinda", everything however appears dated. It's as if star Amy Schumer thought it was ten years ago and her you know what didn't stink. I mean there are some funny moments amidst the potty-mouthed dialogue, the painful physical slapstick, and the occasional gross-out gags. But there's also a dabble of familiarity and well, in the cards, ribald predictability. At 98 minutes, Kinda Pregnant evaporates right after you see it, taking the modern day sex comedy and making it more of a series of bawdy filler extracts as opposed to an actual movie. "How do you really feel?" Um, I just told y'all, for reals.  

All in all, "Kinda" has star Schumer probably thinking this thing is her typecast, comeback vehicle. Yeah not so much. With any Amy Schumer pic, it's all about her and her improvisation overload and her magnified, female glitch. Whether it's feeling timorous or inadequate about her looks in I Feel Pretty, being promiscuous and/or commitment phobic in 2015's Trainwreck, or putting the sham on the old bun in the oven prelude (as evidenced by "Kinda"), Schumer's high jinks are pretty unendurable to watch even at the expense of a few tee-hees. "Pregnant paused".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Heart Eyes 2025 * * Stars

HEART BURN

2025's Heart Eyes is basically Scream for the Valentine's Day crowd. I mean there's a masked killer, there's a big reveal of who the masked killer is, there's references to other movies (even romcoms, no joke), there's offhanded humor, and um, there's plenty of gruesome death blows with various chef's knives. "We're being chased by a serial killer". Yeah, tell me something I don't know sweetie. 

Directed by comedy horror helmer Josh Ruben (makes sense), feverishly paced, and co-starring a dude who happens to be in the latest assortment of flicks with Ghostface on the prowl (also makes sense), "Eyes" is about a maniac murderer who likes to prey on loving couples every time the 14th of Feb rolls around. 

So OK, with "Eyes" there are protagonists who seem to miss dying by the skin of their teeth only because the Heart Eyes killer hits the targets of the side characters. Then there's those inventive ways for the Heart Eyes killer to get his/her kill on with enough fake Karo syrup to fill an ocean. Of course there's bad acting from the leads (Olivia Holt, Mason Gooding) who are supposed to end up together even as their courtship is pretty much roughshod. Finally, we have the news media involved and yeah, they appear about as glib and blase as every other would-be casualty on screen. Yup, we're talking Kevin Williamson territory here, the poor man's Kevin Williamson mind you.

All in all, Heart Eyes has a hook and that hook is the holiday we all think of as overly commercialized. You take away said hook and you're left with nothing but a workaday scare fest, a cash grab brought by the producers who know horror fans and so hard up for a false face psycho with a strut they'll pony up $10-$20 bones just for the sheer heck of it. Hey, my arse was duped. "Cockeyed".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Companion 2025 * * * Stars

CONSORTED 

"Shut her down already". Ah, that's how you get a human-like robot to stop acting well, human. Otherwise AI will starting thinking for themselves and become well, actual Homo Sapiens. Hey it could happen. Rookie director/TV movie monger Drew Hancock ain't playing folks. 

So yeah, my latest review is Hancock's automaton-infused Companion, a sort of black comedy, horror film that feels like the time to come of black comedy, horror films. I mean one moment you're nervously laughing at the folly of it all, how in the instant of peril Companion's baddies act nonchalant as all get-out. The next moment, well you're realizing that there's blood-soaked danger right around the corner. "That was not part of the plan". Oh but it is my dear, it truly is. 

Companion's droid lead, well it's Sophie Thatcher as Iris, acting like a female David Swinton but in her twenties, enhanced with the ability to love and to unintentionally get her kill on. She is matched by Jack Quaid's Josh, a millennial also-ran who uses Iris to commit some lake house murders so he can steal $12 mil from a Russki mobster named Sergey (played by Rupert Friend). Quaid, yeah he has definitely gone into slimeball, antagonistic territory as evident by his evil sad sacker in Companion. It's like he's decided to carry over the spaz, murderer persona shtick from Scream and keep the dream alive. 

Spielberg early 2000s characters and Meg Ryan offspring aside, Companion is a quietly warped, sort of layered, trepidation vehicle where unless you viewed its January trailer, you don't know the whole kit and caboodle going in. Works for me. Violent, morbidly funny, and unevenly edited only because there's enough twists and turns to facilitate the roller-coasters at Great America, this companion is indeed "mightily unstable". Again works for me. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Flight Risk 2025 * * Stars

 

RISKY BEESWAX

2025's Flight Risk is basically helmer Mel Gibson giving the middle finger to the notion of praxis. I mean if Oliver Stone can take a break from making historical epics to do U Turn and Savages then why not. With "Risk", Gibson knows where to thrust his camera but he's clearly on holiday, what with all the aviator schlock and cockpit chaos that's clearly not based on a true story. "I'm gonna enjoy this". Good for you dude. Good 4 you. 

Made on a pretty miserly budget ($25 mil) and featuring star Mark Wahlberg sporting a bogus, bald head (at least that's what I thought), Flight Risk could have been a lean and mean thriller about psycho pilots, rattled U.S. Marshals, and transported passengers. Instead we get a sloppy B-movie only made sloppier by Wahlberg hamming it up, co-star Michelle Dockery mugging to the lens, and co-star Topher Grace acting like well, Topher Grace. 

"Risk", well it feels like an action spoof and/or action-packed SNL skit more than anything else, blurring the lines of hasty design and searching for a sure-fire congruence. I'm thinking mad Mel looked at dailies in the editing room and thought, "oh bummer". 

So yeah, you want a childish script penned by "Risk's" rookie writer Jared Rosenberg? I didn't think so. There's only so many poop, urine, and innuendo jokes a viewer can take. You want some faceless voices doing bad acting over the plane intercom in moments of peril? Uh, neither do I. You want Gibson's penchant for grisly violence and nasty barbarity? I mean sure, why not. That's the highlight even if it's in fits and starts. Finally, do you want me to recommend Flight Risk so I can take a little mercy on all January junk releases? Can't do it. That ain't my "flight of fancy". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

The 36th Annual Notre Dame Student Film Festival, January 24-26th, 2025

I've been covering the Notre Dame Student Festival on and off since 2014. Below are the highlights along with favorable ratings. Of note: this is the first time I voted on the potential winners.  

Try Again * * * Stars

-Imagine Christopher Nolan on holiday, making something low budget and without a script. That's the gist of Try Again, a savage, dark, total mindf*ck of a short film. Requires multiple viewings to figure out the whole kit and caboodle (as only Nolan himself would have it). 

Mazi Remastered * * * Stars

-As something about a DJ from the South Side of Chicago, Mazi Remastered is a laid back, swiftly edited docu in which the funky beats dictate the rhythms of the digital underground subjects (pun intended). Mazi, well he seems like a cocksure guy who never feels like he's worked a day in his life. Hey, he gets away with it. 

Veritas * * * * Stars

 

-Made by what looks like an expert, student filmmaker, Veritas for me is this year's best entry in ND's 2025 festival. It's about Catholic nuns named the Dominican Sisters who teach at a school in Northern Kentucky. A rack focus here, a close-up there, the camera peeking in everywhere, Veritas has its vassals not really knowing they're being filmed. Opaque and quietly powerful stuff.

You Are Home * * * * Stars

-Melissa Cook was a Notre Dame softball player who died tragically in a scaffolding accident via the city of Chicago. A stadium was named after her in the documentary, You Are Home. Hey, this is more than just a lamenting docu mind you, this is veridical realism. Unfolds like a sledgehammer, packs an emotional wallop.  

Footprints of Glory * * * Stars

-An expeditious, cross-cut-type short about diving and possible soon-to-be Olympic dreams, Footprints of Glory is just over four minutes but carries a hint of pure ebullience. Oh and like all great pics, the music is everything, well pretty much everything.

Written by Jesse Burleson

One of Them Days 2025 * * 1/2 Stars

"THAT A GIRL GOES THROUGH"

What I learned from 2025's One of Them Days, is that its diegesis is somewhat pukka. I mean you have two roommates who have one full, 1st of the month to come up with the rent money (and other life-threatening monies) or they'll be on the street or worse yet, dead. "Days", well it stars Keke Palmer and SZA, two actresses who exhibit a ton of get-up-and-go as tenants Dreux and Alyssa. "You lucky she holding me back!" Hex yeah.

Anyhow One of Them Days is like a female version of Friday or a female, farce version of say 2001's Training Day. It's in the look and feel as tar-pitted LA takes center stage with Ghetto Birds, pigeons, and split rims all intact. 

So yeah, everything in "Days" happens in almost 24 hours (hence the title) and there are plenty of high jinks and uncertain hazards along the way. I mean for nearly 97 minutes we watch Dreux and Alyssa try to come up with $1500 bones (which eventually elevates to over six grand) and it becomes rather vexing and um, frustrating. Yup, it's not easy when you have to deal with a cheating broke boyfriend, a lady thug with reprisal on her mind, King Lolo the drug lord, and "Biscuit Bandit" trying to thwart the operation (don't ask). "I just wanna be all alone, and you think I treat you wrong". Sing it Monica! Sing it girl!

Hit ditties and yeasty, pastry robbers aside, One of Them Days is billed as a comedy but you hardly guffaw, probably because the characters and sitches in it feel lifted from other flicks of the same nature (ever seen anything directed by Rick Famuyiwa, Steve Carr, and/or John Singleton? Exactly). It's not a bad pic but I don't see a stoner cult following or repeated viewings in the near future. "Days" gone by.   

Written by Jesse Burleson