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Sunday, June 18, 2017

The Mummy 2017 * * Stars

The MummyDirector: Alex Kurtzman
Year: 2017
Rated PG-13
Rating: * * Stars
Cast: Tom Cruise, Annabelle Wallis, Jake Johnson

Here is what might have went down during a meeting between some people involved with 2017's The Mummy:

Alex Kurtzman (director): Guys, I appreciate the opportunity to direct a reboot of The Mummy franchise. I've only made one film and it was a little-known drama but trust me, I'm ready to go the fantasy/thriller route.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: That's the spirit Alex. We are with you 100%.

Chris Morgan (producer): Wait. I'm not 100% on board with this thing. Those Mummy movies with Brendan Fraser weren't that great to begin with.

Kurtzman: True, but I have Mr. Tom Cruise as my lead. He'll guarantee a box office hit. We'll put him through the ringer. He'll get his butt beat to a pulp and then he'll get right back up again. Of course we'll have to add a little bloody makeup to his face.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Cruise is dope.

Morgan: I disagree. He was a box office champ maybe 15 years ago. I mean isn't he a bit long in the tooth? And let's face it, won't he be labeled as miscast here? Cruise has never really done anything like this before. This ain't Top Gun the mummy version people.

Kurtzman: He's Cruise and he's still a reliable movie star. As for his appearance, well he doesn't look 54 since he's been dyeing his hair.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: That should help since his female romantic interest is about 20 years younger than he is.

Kurtzman: Oh and Tommy boy saw 1932's The Mummy as a kid. He was inspired by it and showed interest in coming on board.

Morgan: I don't know guys. This might come back to bite us on the butt.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Chris, it's all good. We have $125 million in special effects and the PG-13 crowd will have their eyes popping out of their heads. Oh yeah, and we're gonna make sure Cruise is running for his life like usual. Plus, Russell Crowe is on board as an Uber-villain. Alex, make sure we have Tom Cruise and Russell Crowe getting down and dirty in a fight scene.

Image result for the mummy 2017 movie scenesKurtzman: You know it. I'll also be sure to add an epic, Cruise-like plane crash as well. Cruise is gangster doing his own stunts.

Morgan: What about the script? I heard we're using three writers. Isn't that a bad omen in Hollywood?

Kurtzman: We'll be fine. Cruise's screen presence is decent even though his acting has been paperweight ever since Magnolia. And wait till you see the CGI we're throwing down. I'm talking camel spiders, rats, and crotchety zombies. A summer 2017 release will certainly help.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Oh I forgot to tell you guys that Jake Johnson is being added to the cast. He is Cruise's comic foil and sidekick. Jake is excited.

Kurtzman: He was funny in Let's Be Cops.

Morgan: I think he's a little bland. I saw his Drinking Buddies and that film really stunk up the joint. What if he's labeled as miscast too?

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Chris, you sure are in a negative frame of mind. We're solid bro. Trust me.

Morgan: Fine. So what is this new Mummy reboot gonna replicate? Are we going for a tongue-in-cheek Raiders of the Lost Ark?

Kurtzman: Exactly.

Production head for Perfect World Pictures: Yup.

Chris Morgan: Sh*t. Okay, here we go. Let's make a freaking movie.

Rating: 2 stars.

Of note: My write-up for The Mummy is inspired by a review of Four Christmases via the late Roger Ebert. Check it out online. It's pretty funny.

Written by Jesse Burleson

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