Bandit 2022 * * * Stars

THIS BANDIT HAS SMOKE

"I don't have any money". Really? After stealing from 59 or so financial establishments? Yeesh.

A weak sense of 80s time and place, hairstyles that don't match the decade, and an overload of the blithe doesn't keep you from enjoying 2022's Bandit. Josh Duhamel is in the lead and he's all cocksure and such as a bank robber getting his uh, rob on. Duhamel creates a character through layers and improvisation and duping and whatnot. He relishes it. In Bandit he plays Gilbert Galvan Jr or should I say, Robert Whiteman. Mel Gibson's in Bandit too. He rides with Duhamel as a sort of mobster sidekick named Tommy Kay. Their dialogue exchanges crackle, like a couple of HS buddies at lunch break, scheming and Janus-faced.

Now about Bandit the movie. Well it's a bank marauder pic with gang ties (duh). It is also based on a true story but comes off as more playful and less hard-hitting. The pace is swift, the cutting is volant, the editing is crisp. The music? Well it bodes really well with the rhythms of the actors. Again playful. Watching Bandit, you wouldn't even know it's based on true events. It almost plays like a pseudo comedy or a TV miniseries on say, Peacock. What can I say, I enjoyed it anyway.

So yeah, Bandit is obviously not the most original of heist flicks. I mean if you've seen stuff like Wisdom and/or The Old Man & the Gun you've seen this swipe. What makes Bandit recommending, is how fun-loving it winks toward the audience. It's not really dangerous, just jocular, with never a dull moment or anything lagging. The 126-minute running time just sort of flies by as director Allan Ungar engages in the almost non-violent, carefree way of pilfering via the Reagan Era. Disguises, quiet moments of cash-grabbing, deception, and that revelatory ending. It's all design by Duhamel. Him and this vehicle are quite the "steal".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Babylon 2022 * * * Stars

"WHAT'S YOUR DREAM? EVERYBODY COMES HERE"

2022's Babylon is a 189-minute flick in which the running time is what it is. Oh well. What's on screen doesn't drag. In fact, it hits you in the face or should I say, the groin. Basically what we have here is the equivalent of an actual film doing cocaine and getting high on its own supply. A muscle-man eating a live rat, sexual relations in public, drugs and drink, death on set, rattlesnake blood-sucking, an elephant defecating, people vomiting. I mean was 1920s and 30s Hollywood really all about this? I guess so according to helmer Damien Chazelle. Better stay out of his way people. 

Chazelle becomes a different director here than I remember. It's like he got bored, felt restless, and decided to channel his inner Paul Thomas Anderson and/or Martin Scorsese. Whip pans and zooms and mighty tracking shots and extreme fast cutting and movie-within-a-movie scenes oh my! Oh and I did mention there's a hundred or so actors in almost every frame? Yup, the scope, energy, and breadth are impressive but you want to say to Damian, "how about finding your own voice dude". You have a made a less tighter, less cohesive version of Boogie Nights and/or The Wolf of Wall Street. Um, thanks for the valiant effort. 

That's not to say that Babylon isn't worth recommending. I mean it's like watching a series of cinematic car accidents that you can't look away from. And yeah, you want to see the next one (and the next one). Chazelle's look in Babylon is all scorched and sprawling, with hazy malaise and saturated, beige hues. His actors (Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, Diego Calva) produce solid performances whether they are given time to breathe or forced to wade through mounds of turpitude. 

Now would I cut the last 7-10 minutes that are a montage of film histrionics shown to be self-indulgent and/or without necessity? Oh you betcha. And would I find a new editor and re-shoot Babylon so it doesn't feel so darn spasmodic? For sure. As a naughty love letter to the almighty Golden Age, Babylon could actually be called, Babylon "and on and on". Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Violent Night 2022 * * * Stars

A CHRISTMAS STORY

2022's Violent Night certainly earns its title. Not just from a Christmas standpoint (it's a RhymeZone version of that song), but from a "violent" standpoint as well. An Xmas star to the eye, a sledgehammer to the face, a bullet to the head, a nail through the chin. "Ho ho hurt" as in ouch!

So OK, you've probably heard that Violent Night is a combo of Die Hard and Home Alone. Guess what, it is and it's so obvious. I mean the filmmakers actually reference the flicks in a hint, hint sort of way. Walkie talkies (check), booby traps (check), Santa Claus getting his groove on as an antihero Bruce Willis on steroids (Czechoslovakia!).

The only differences with the two: "Night" is more savage than Die Hard but it doesn't take itself seriously whereas Die Hard rightfully does. As for Home Alone, well the bad guys actually lived in that one. Heck, the baddies in Violent Night bite the proverbial dust as if they were paperweights in a snuff and/or grindhouse production. It's brutally for brutality's sake, all sensationalized for the silly season.

Watching Violent Night, you wonder why it wasn't made twenty years ago. The diegesis is rather genius, a way to divert your attention from all things Frank Capra and Barbara Stanwyck. The actual Santa (played by a well cast David Harbour) is clearly an alcoholic and Christmas Eve is just another day at the office for him. When he enters a wealthy home to deliver presents, he stumbles upon some murderous thieves who have taken a family hostage for a cool 300 mil. Santa's solution to save said family is a "violent" one (duh). I mean how did Mr. Claus learn to fight like Jason Statham and/or Van Damme (yikes)?

Bottom line: Violent Night is an entertaining if not choppily made thriller with a whiff of camp. It's action scene then payoff then action scene then payoff. The way it's lit and with certain long shots signifying all things Noel, "Night" definitely feels like a Christmas movie whereas Die Hard doesn't (per a certain interview, I side with Willis on this issue). It's happy holidays here even though the blood is clearly flowing off the tinsel.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Deck the Heart 2021 * 1/2 Stars

HEART BURN

How bad is 2021's Deck the Heart? Let me put it this way, how bad is a hurricane? Bad, catastrophic. "Deck" is a holiday movie but it doesn't feel enough like one. Perhaps it's the budget, perhaps it's the vexatious, drawn-out scenes of people conversing, perhaps it's the sometimes creepy non-Xmas music inserted during pivotal moments. Perhaps as to say, feasibly.

So yeah, Deck the Heart has its "heart" in the right place (ha-ha). I mean the film has good intentions. You know, celebrating Christmas, having it as a time of giving, celebrating family, blah blah blah. That's not the problem here. The problem is how it's made, all misguiding and "Don't Stand So Close to Me"-like. 

The romantic leads in "Deck" are good-looking people but the male looks like a middle-ager while the female looks like a college student who is cramming for her doctorate exams. Yeah, non-computing. When they kiss at the end (this occurs in all the Hallmark Xmas flicks), it almost looks criminal, like it was a dare or something. Yup, no mistletoe is gonna help this situation.

Taking place in Maine and showing snow one day and then showing no snow the next (uh-huh), Deck the Heart is about a NYC businessman who inherits his late grandfather's house. According to his grandfather's wishes, he must host Christmas there for his family. The rub: he decides to hire a party planner to do it with a budget of $12,000 (wha?? Could've fooled me based on the end results). 

Joe Kurak plays said businessman Chris Ackerman while Ashley Brinkman plays said party planner Meredith Block (or Merry because well, you know why). Chris and Merry eventually fall in love (duh) but their scenes together and their dialogue exchanges are about as stiff as a glass of Maker's Mark neat. It's not easy to watch. I mean did "Deck's" director (Candice T. Cain) tell them to walk and talk like zombies because it sure seemed that way to me. I've heard of actors trying to hit their marks but I've never seen it to be so axiomatic. Ugh. 

Like I said in the second paragraph, Deck the Heart has aspirations of what it wants to achieve. It wants you to feel those warm fuzzies while sipping the almighty eggnog. Too bad we've got a student film situation brewing here that appears like it was submitted at some festival in Podunk, Vermont. If helmer Cain knew where to put the camera, knew how to shoot a close-up, or knew how to squeeze performances out of everyone, Deck the Heart might've actually worked. What I saw on screen was way below the hard "deck". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Emily the Criminal 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

CRIMINAL RECORD

Emily the Criminal was released in the US in August of this year. It's frantic, dangerous, and confined, a project that reminded me of something that could've been helmed by the Safdie brothers (those crazy kids from Uncut Gems). "Criminal" also takes the subject of credit card swindling and makes it justifiable to the masses. Bad background check? Ah who cares, you're hired.

Anyhow, Emily the Criminal is kind of a less tweaked out, less violent version of "Gems" (mentioned in the last paragraph). This time the setting is LA and instead of Adam Sandler getting out of his acting comfort zone, we now have Aubrey Plaza getting out of hers. 

Plaza plays the Emily in Emily the Criminal and she ditches the comedic shtick while getting her groove on in the nerve-ending department. It's an amazing transformation as Aubrey acts with her whole body while giving the audience member some gangster screen presence. Yup, the weathered (yet sexy) Plaza is pretty much in every frame here. That's a good thing because when she is not, "Criminal" almost comes to a screeching halt. 

As something about a debt-ridden woman (Plaza as Emily Benetto) who gets involved in a credit card scam because she can't get a regular job as an artist, Emily the Criminal is a solidly paced thriller in which the camera is hard-pressed to keep up. Rookie director and close-up monger John Patton Ford can storyboard and his casting of Plaza is spot-on while still being against type. The problem I had with "Criminal" is something altogether different than the latter. It's cruxes are implausible and well, not likely.

The Benetto character breaks the law and although her life is somewhat threatened, she comes away unscathed. What no one you scammed is gonna come back and confront you? What no one is gonna identify you and arrest you a couple of days later? Head-scratching. Then there's the notion of what Emily Benetto becomes towards the end of the film (spoiler). She starts off as the antihero protagonist only to go virtual dark side. I mean it just doesn't seem credible what with everything that happened prior to the last act. "Criminally" overrated. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Beat Street 1984 * * * Stars

BEAT STREET BREAKDOWN RRRHAA!

"It's like a heartbeat, beat street". Ah the opening credits to a pic I relentlessly saw on HBO. I then practiced my moves in front of a mirror, feeling groovy. 

Anyway for two or three years in the early 80s, break-dancing was a thing. Then it quickly burned out. 1984's Beat Street captures the style of breaking when it was at its pinnacle, all popping and locking and spinning and stuff. Heck, you could almost say this movie is frozen in time.

Beat Street is Saturday Night Fever sans the disco and hot pants. The setting is the same (NYC), there's a tragic death towards the end, and well, there's plenty of vibrant dancing. Beat Street has a little more as it almost feels like a talent show or musical minus everyone breaking out into song. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but the extended scenes of DJing, singing, and break battling sometimes deflate the dramatic momentum. And yeah, there's a few, solid dramatic nuggets to be had. 

More robust and more mature than those other hip-hop pics of the time (Breakin', Krush Groove, Rappin'), Beat Street has atmospheric direction by Stan Lathan and a use of locales that feels bitingly echt. I mean I've never felt like I was in the Bronx more than with this film. Lathan pumps you up on musical numbers and then provides quieter moments where the troupers can breathe and emote. One kinda outweighs the other but oh well. 

Like in "Fever" (mentioned earlier), Beat Street pushes the boomer self-reliance. In tinges, it looks at a graffiti artist, a young breaker, a DJ, and a slick manager trying to break out of their banal existence in a rundown, NYC borough neighborhood. The unknown actors (minus Rae Dawn Chong) do solid work in a flick that's a snapshot of pop culture that unfortunately blew away at the blink of an eye. Still, this "beat" manages to go on. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Menu 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

DINERS DRIVE-INS AND DEATH

2022's The Menu is my latest write-up. It is well-edited, shrewd, and visually aesthetic, actually using food on rocks as a Michelin Star metaphor. "Menu" also features title cards of various course meals that list the items in a demented sort of way. I mean are we the viewers supposed to laugh or scoff? I'm going to go with scoff and Gordon Ramsay would probably do the same. 

Speaking of Ramsay, well The Menu is like a film version of his Hell's Kitchen except that the head chef is more quietly evil and the patrons involved, well they mostly die. Manipulative and spiteful, "Menu" is indeed a black comedy, the blackest of comedies (with some horror elements thrown in). Its victim characters are like Stockholm syndrome minions getting their exotic eat on as you the audience member keep guessing and guessing as to what's going to happen next. That's when The Menu is at its most effective.   

But then The Menu has to conclude and you realize that it's more stylish grizzle that's meant to upset and not compel. I mean yeah The Menu is directed with panache and the look of it is about as sterile as the Virgin Mary's latrine. But where's the moral center here? And minus "Menu's" final twist, why does everybody have to have their fates be so forlorn? Talk about a downer of a thriller that just leaves a sour taste in your mouth (pun intended). 

As a flick about a celebrity chef (Julian Slowik) who invites a bunch of rich wrongdoers to an island to feast on some first class cruisine (only to find that they're included in the meal), "Menu" has solid performances from a well-to-do cast (Ralph Fiennes, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult). Fiennes is the standout and although we think of him as a fine actor, his Slowik here is so remorseless and uncouth it's hard to accept his actions as anything more than show. He's vile for the sake of being vile as is The Menu overall. This is "food" without much "soul".  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Sr. 2022 * * * Stars

SENIOR STATUS

A lot of people know who Robert Downey Jr. is. Okay the whole world knows who he is. Bob is a movie star from those Marvel endeavors. The dude once commanded $75 million for one flick (remember Avengers: Endgame?). 

Sr. (my latest review) is not about Robert Downey Jr. I mean it kind of is but that's a moot point. It's mainly about his father Robert Downey Sr. Sr. is a guy who was not as much in the limelight, making low budget, independent films and appearing as an actor in stuff like Boogie Nights and/or To Live and Die in L.A. 

I've never seen a Robert Downey Sr.-directed pic but Sr. provides plenty of archive footage from his stuff via the late 60s and early 70s. Said archive footage counteracts with recent interviews that counteract with random scenes that are sort of playful cuts of the late subject (Sr. of course). It's like a movie within a movie within a documentary, shot in black & white while harboring a somber and evocative tone. 

Sr. is a docu that is told chronologically but feels non-linear at the same time. It's not perfect but there's a certain earthiness to it. I mean it feels more personal that most (of any type). You see Robert Downey Jr. in a way you've never seen him before (it's like he's a regular Joe). You also get to know his dad and what an out of the box filmmaker he was, all satiric and radical and whatnot. I've always thought of their relationship as opposite sides of the pickle. Jr. is well, blockbuster and his pops sort of a hidden, Woody Allen type. 

What's heartbreaking is that Sr. ends up following the last years of Robert Downey Sr.'s life. It was filmed over a period of three showing the gradual decline of Sr.'s health due to Parkinson's disease. Thankfully through Sr. we get to know this man and his visionary turns that stayed under the radar to most Hollywood annals. Senior day!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Class of 1984 1982 * * 1/2 Stars

STAINED CLASS

In 1982, audiences weren't ready for Class of 1984. I mean maybe they were but I know I wouldn't have been. Some say it's a cult film. I say not exactly but the title sure suggests it. "1984" shows high school in the most brutal and bleak way, all neon, perfumed, and punk like some sort of whacked out Greek mythology. Pushing the boundaries of adequate taste while pushing the unlicked envelope, Class of 1984 hasn't aged well in my most humbled opinion. If it was made last year it probably wouldn't have even gotten greenlit today.

That's not to say that "1984" wasn't ahead of its time (for that time). I mean just imagine The Warriors crossing paths with Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Now imagine a horror version of those two flicks, a sort of remorseless, harshly violent conch of maddening teenage rebellion. Class of 1984 is a rough watch with an even rougher social commentary. The school depicted in '82 had metal detectors and no dress code (that's fresh). The actors were probably plucked off the street and told to do unspeakable things.

Shot in Toronto, Canada and sledgehammering the notion that high schooler inmates really do run the asylum, Class of 1984 stars a perfectly cast Perry King and a perfectly cast Timothy Van Patten. King plays music teacher Andrew Norris and Van Patten plays troubled student Peter Stegman. When Norris kicks Stegman out of class while rubbing him the wrong way in the process, Stegman and his gang of misfits savagely torment Norris and his pregnant wife (Merrie Lynn Ross as Diane Norris).

With scenes of attempted rape, vindictive assault, gangly beatings, and manipulative solicitation, Class of 1984 shows the mild-mannered man getting pushed to edge and becoming lex talionis. It's all a little too off-color to recommend.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Slice 2018 * * 1/2 Stars

EXTRA CHEESE

"It all started when the werewolf came back into town". I'm not talking about London folks, I'm talking about mile after magnificent mile (that would be Illinois). 

Mindless, campy, a film that lives in a sort of warped, Gotham fantasy-land. Ghosts are an actual ethnic group, the mayor persona is a perv, and Chance the Rapper is apparently in the form of someone changing their appearance during a full moon. Yeah I'm talking about 2018's Slice, a vehicle that's so neon and fluorescent it comes off as late 80s swipe that could only be featured at 4am on Cinemax. Alex Cox called and says he wants his repo status and science fiction smoke back.

Slice if you're game enough (or tipsy enough), is a beer and pizza movie (no pun intended). It doesn't take itself seriously and why should it, it's about pizzeria delivery guys getting offed and doofus cops trying to find the culprit. The soundtrack is 1980s synth, the look is urban Chuck E. Cheese (pun intended). Slice's tone is all over the place but at least its director (Austin Vessely) creates a quixotic world full of bended subjects. Za, punk, devilsh Karens, and municipality peacekeeping oh my!

Men wearing bad wigs, old television sets, a screenplay that's equal parts distressing and cringy, skewed character motivations, and actorly acting. That's Slice's go-ahead vision and it's a real doozy. But hey, it's edited surprisingly well, like a murder mystery that plays out in likely fashion. Austin Vessely's direction is standard and not flashy (that's only in the visual palate). He shoots low to the ground as his camera zooms forwards and backwards.

Bottom line: Slice is no midnight movie circuit winner but it's a "cut above" most cultish wanabees. I mean I've never seen a flick that had more fun at making fun of itself. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Bullies 1986 * * * Stars

WOOLY BULLY

"Matt you don't know them". Yeah you don't Matt. You done taking the wrong turn boy. Matt and his family move to a small town and open up a grocery store. Little do they know that another family is bent on tormenting them like all get out. 

Anyway I remember it like it was yesterday. The year was 1986. It was in my hometown via Southwest Michigan at the local theatre (Southtown Twin to be exact). The film was Bullies and it played for about a week. Then it was gone, sigh. Audiences around the country probably weren't ready for Bullies anyway. Unknown cast, no marketing, borderline NC-17 rating, vile subject matter. Yup, I thought I'd revisit this acrid switchblade of a movie.

Bullies certainly gets its title right. It's simple, brash, and to the point. It is about bullies with the last name of Cullen (a memorable last name indeed and a nice touch). According to the wiki of Bullies, the Cullens are a clan of sorts. Heck, I consider them a bunch of bags with a mountainous, redneck flavor. If you're in a Straw Dogs and/or Deliverance sort of mood, those Cullens sure were your tour guide back in good old '86. 

With a musical score that is 80s cheese and a Canadian director that has enough assertive gumption to stage confrontation (Paul Lynch of Prom Night fame), Bullies never harbored cult status nor did it gain access to the midnight movie circuit. Why? Well the flick has a certain ugliness to it, a sort of relentless coup de grace if you will. But hey, what'd you expect? The film is called Bullies and it does what it conveys. Lynch's vision can be tasteless, superfluous, and overly violent but it will affect you. Well-acted, carefully plotted, and reprisal-minded, I say "bully" for that. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Good Neighbor 2022 * * * Stars

WON'T YOU WATCH, THIS NEIGHBOR?

"David we hit something". Did you now. It wasn't a squirrel or a possum?

So OK, in 2022's The Good Neighbor, the neighbor is anything but. He's got attachment issues, he's prying, he's latent, and in the end, he's just pure evil. Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays Robert and let's just call him the "bad" neighbor shall we. He's one of those actors that excels at giving a manipulative, calculating performance. Exhibit B would be Woody Allen's Match Point.

Anyway, The Good Neighbor is shot by German Stephan Rick. His direction is streamlined and aseptic yet forlorn, giving "Neighbor" the feeling of being somewhere between the greatest Lifetime movie ever and 1998's A Simple Plan. Rick keeps you guessing and guessing as he almost numbs you the viewer. "Neighbor" isn't flashy nor is it horrific (most of the murders show the aftermath). Until it runs out of steam however, the film turns enough psychological screws to undo a dresser. You can count on it. 

Taking place and filmed in Latvia, The Good Neighbor is about a couple of neighbors who go out for drinks, drive home, and commit a hit and run via a young woman on a bike. Yup, these movies tend to make my ears perk up. Yeah the events are tragic but you're completely involved, wondering how these two dudes are gonna try to cover up the pseudo crime. Witnesses (or non-witnesses) are offed, evidence is shellacked, and when it comes to the detectives, the house always wins (or does it?). 

"Neighbor" has casting that is spot-on, its editing for the most part, is crisp, and the Lativa setting provides a sort of sterling authenticity. If the flick didn't overplay its hand, add layers, and turn into a rather rote thriller, I would've praised it more. Oh well, "Neighbor" is worth renting at the "closest" Redbox. Natch.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Death Valley 2021 * * * Stars

DEATH PROOFED

Let's get this right out of the way shall we. 2021's Death Valley has nothing to do with that desert place in Cali. I mean the title sounds cool but it was filmed in freaking Canada. But anyway, "Valley" is almost shapeless and butchered in its first act until it turns into The Descent with foot soldier mercenaries added. Hey, who doesn't want to take in a little demon speak with some gun-toting action (I do I do).

Death Valley is directed by Mr Matthew Ninaber. Channeling his inner John Carpenter a la the later years, Ninaber creates some claustrophobia and tension despite his monsters looking almost like advanced Halloween ensembles. His "Valley" doesn't have a happy ending nor does it bleed to the sanguine. Sometimes movies of the quarantine nature (like this one) can be effective that way.

Shot in a Syfy channel sort of way with its actors saying, "we gotta get out of here" and/or "let's keep moving" (it is what it is), Death Valley is about some hired guns who are sent in to rescue a bioengineer held captive via a middle of nowhere bunker. At said bunker is a creature predator with bad hygiene, a coarse voice, and a case of the albino. Chaos ensues with some harrowing fight sequences, a twist villain, some nervous tongue-in-cheek, and paradoxical remnants. The troupers featured in "Valley" (Ethan Mitchell, Jeremy Ninaber, Kristen Kaster) are obviously C-list but they sell scenes a little better than anyone in a recent, Bruce Willis actioner (yikes).

All in all, the best way to view Death Valley is to accept it for what it is. "Valley" is a bloodstained B-movie trying hard to push on its B-movie tropes (the budget, the costume designs, and the shooting locales were probably nil). "Valley of salts".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Death Hunt 2022 * * * Stars

I'M GIVING CHASE TO

"Once you've hunted man, animals just don't cut it anymore". Yeesh. I'll probably just avoid hanging out in forests in the near future.

Distributed by Uncork'd Entertainment, featuring bad riflemen who couldn't shoot water in a pool, and not to be associated with that Lee Marvin thriller from 1981, 2022's Death Hunt is a B-movie entity that knows it's a B-movie. The filmmakers are basically saying, "enjoy it for what it is folks, we don't care either way". A little bit Surviving the Game, a little bit 2021's Apex, Death Hunt is all about tracking humans for sport. Morals are replaced by the rush of killing. Deer is replaced by a landowner and his chick. Sadistic for the sadists I tell you.

Death Hunt has unknown actors in it that mumble their lines (or maybe it was just the sound editing, ugh). "Hunt" also verges on camp because said lines take a front seat to the overripe. Oh well. This film delivers a certain level of suspense because it kills the male protagonist early and lets the female protagonist saddle up and get her Rambo on (spoiler). I mean it's kind of a novel plot device that has worked before. Ripley, believe it or not!

Death Hunt with its inconsistent action sequences and slight ode to the implausible, still keeps you entertained in a somewhat non-admitting fashion. I suppose it's the nasty charm of men with stogies in their mouths trying to off some mistress couple on a forestry island. Or maybe it's the musical score by Mitchell Gibbs that's eager to the nth degree. Said score doesn't always fit the rhythms of the scenes but boy does it try its darndest. Evoking a sort of 80s flavor, Mitchell's stuff secretly has good old Dutch smiling in the distance.

Flawed but full of squalid, bullet-ridden vigor, Death Hunt brings back the notion of shell-shocked, female badassery. This "dog will hunt", promise.

Written by Jesse Burleson

A Christmas Story Christmas 2022 * * * Stars

"IT'S A MAJOR AWARD!"

If you haven't seen the holiday classic A Christmas Story, well you've probably been living in isolation somewhere, in a bunker sans a television set. If you have seen A Christmas Story (and I have in spades), then be pleasantly surprised because there's a sequel and you can watch it On Demand. 

2022's A Christmas Story Christmas is that sequel, a true companion piece that was made to be viewed back-to-back with the original from a mere forty years ago (give or take). All the characters are back (Ralphie, Flick, Randy, Scott Farkus to name a few) and pretty much all the same actors are present to play them. It's like taking a trip down memory lane I tell you. Fix up some steaming hot cocoa and enjoy!

A Christmas Story Christmas isn't some VOD pic that would be destined for the $3.99 bin at Best Buy. I mean this is the real deal. Director Clay Kaytis really thinks things through, being so faithful to the consistency of first flick you'd think the ghost of the late Bob Clark talked to him in his sleep. 

Kaytis progresses the narrative very nicely, setting the events decades after with a grown-up Ralph Parker (Peter Billingsley having some goofy fun here) going back to his hometown in Indiana to celebrate Christmas with his own kids. I mean it's uncanny. The look is the same (soft and glowed lighting), the locales are similar (that's because they might be), the opening credits are familiar, and the music is 1983 spot-on. Heck, you could almost put A Christmas Story and this follow-up together to make one three-hour movie (why not?). Just add a title card that says well, "thirty years later". 

Same off-handed humor, same grossness with food (you'll see), same Bumpus hounds, same midwest exhaust. That's what you get with A Christmas Story Christmas. The only thing the film adds is its fascination with spirits (no not those spirits, the spirits of a liquid kind) and the fact that it actually borrows some of its slapstick from a certain National Lampoon endeavor. Nice touches all around. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Unhuman 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

HUMAN SENSING

There's something sort of inhuman about 2022's Unhuman. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the characters here who come off as so unlikable to the audience it's hard to root for them. They're poor man's Breakfast Club types aspiring to be Shaun of the Dead types. High school, well it sure has been bleak for them.

So yeah, Unhuman is a zombie movie with all these HS stereotypes (how'd you guess). You got the jock, the princess, the oppressed smart girl, the token, and the nerds. Their bus crashes during a field trip, they escape, and then they must band together to try and stop some revived corpses.

Director Marcus Dunstan pulls off all the stops with Unhuman. Less gory than most, he infuses split screens, wipes, slow-mo stuff, and Dutch angles to let the world know he's showing off. Hey, I give him a little credit because there's enough zombie fabric out there to power a small country. Gotta inject some new life (ha ha) into an already manifest genre.

Unhuman breaks itself down into three parts. It's an ambitious if overwrought viewing experience. The first part is the set up (mentioned in the second paragraph). The second part is the refreshing twist (told in one long flashback). The third part is the high school misfits getting their revenge on by fighting ugly (with fists of fury).

In retrospect, helmer Dunstan tries really hard to make you forget that Unhuman is just another pic about the Walking dead. His film is more a tongue in cheek conspiracy, a John Hughes hue, or a high school reprisal prank if you will. I give him points for that but the problem is his actors who are faceless, falsely witty, and only moderately plucky. They're in a movie that's not "unwatchable" but more of a slight, "human" stain.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Merry Swissmas 2022 * * Stars

MERRY THOUGHTS

Merry Swissmas is my latest review. Hey, the beginning of November marks the holidays for me so why not. Directed by John L'Ecuyer in yuletide postcard fashion, "Swissmas" follows the beats of most Lifetime silly season flicks like a manual. You've got the two leads who each lost a loved one a couple of years ago. You've got the female lead traveling from the big city to a faraway place and maybe staying there for a long time. You've got that big smooch at the end (it's compulsory people). Finally, you've got those endless Christmassy festivities leading up to the big day (that would be Xmas day of course). Let's pour out a little eggnog shall we.

So OK, Merry Swissmas has one big hook that keeps it from being in the snowy basement. It takes place in Switzerland (hence the title). The movie looks really good, like you've gone to Christmas heaven while floating on the Pearly Gates. You can smell the hot chocolate, you can feel the fire crackling, and you can hark the warmth of wearing a bad sweater. Notice I haven't gotten to why I can't recommend "Swissmas" yet. It's coming, just like the 25th which is over a month away. 

Merry Swissmas is about an architect who meets an older man while visiting her family in the Playground of Europe (Switzerland's nickname, I looked it up). Starring Jodie Sweetin and Tim Rozon, "Swissmas" has two actors whose characters are supposed to fall in love but who's kidding. Their chemistry is nil, like passing ships or a platonic combo, it's a strange courtship. Now I do believe Sweetin can act but her performance here felt off, all pauses and reacting like an unvarying read through. As for Rozon, well he just looks distinguished yet downtrodden. Wha?? Every scene between these two felt ill at ease. I mean c'mon guys, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Yeesh!

Minimal on plot, a pace that suggests watching ice melt (pun intended), and very little conflict until the hour mark (a little tiff between the lovebirds). Besides the winsome scenery, that's what you get while viewing Merry Swissmas. This "Swiss misses" the mark. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Out of the Blue 2022 * * Stars

BLUE'S CLUES

2022's Out of the Blue is director Neil LaBute clearly on holiday. But hey, at least he's having fun on said holiday (isn't that the point). His love of other movies is evident (scenes of black-and-white stuff on an old TV), his title cards add to the cheese factor (and he knows this), and his twist at the end gives Out of the Blue a reason for being (I was waiting for that). I've seen other LaBute flicks and this doesn't appear like his normal shtick. I guess he got bored and decided to recycle old genre uses with quirks attached. 

Starring Jack Nicholson's boy (Ray Nicholson) and featuring enough long shots and wide shots to power the sun, Out of the Blue is neo-noir in broad daylight, all risible with softcore porn clips and inane dialogue that seems like it's read off of cue cards. I mean yeah, the film blurs the lines of "it's so bad, it's good" territory. 

So let's break it down all cinephiles shall we? If a movie was touched by the classical stylings of composer Pino Donaggio, it would be Out of the Blue. And if Brian De Palma and David Lynch decided to adopt an illegitimate baby, it'd be Out of the Blue. Finally, if Basic Instinct felt the need to cut the racier stuff just to appease the MPAA, Out of the Blue would suffice. Whoa, that's a lot to take in. 

Out of the Blue has nothing to do with that Debbie Gibson ditty (of course it doesn't). It's a vehicle that somewhat tries hard to back up its definition (that would be without warning, unexpectedly). It's about a released convict (Nicholson as Connor) who has an affair with an older woman (Diane Kruger as Marilyn). While doing the nasty Cinemax-style, Connor and Marilyn decide on how to kill Marilyn's hubby (who is only seen once). Bottom line: Out of the Blue would be more effective if it took itself more seriously and didn't unintentionally play for the overripe. "Blue Velveeta". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

My Nightmare Office Affair 2022 * 1/2 Stars

OFFICE BLOCK

A screenplay that gets recycled constantly ("I just wanted to let you know how impressive your work is"). The nosy, best friend co-worker. The hitting of someone over the head with any object. We're getting into the Lifetime zone people and its latest helping is 2022's My Nightmare Office Affair.

"Affair" is Lifetime network at its most predictable with the same eventual outcome as a bettor covering the point spread via a Crimson Tide football game. Meh. Kaila York directs at a decent clip even though she's sadly channeling her inner David DeCoteau (another Lifetime lifer). Yup, My Nightmare Office Affair doesn't suck you in nor is it really compelling. It's basically patternless schlock for the schlock jocks (male or female).

Now is there any redeemable thing about "Affair" that I can compound here? Actually yes. The musical score by Kevin Blumenfeld is techno bliss (it really is). The problem is that it creates tension in your head that doesn't fully spill onto the screen.

And are the actors in My Nightmare Office Affair game for game's sake? They are but their character arcs are a little off. I mean you've got a project manager who works for a sort of pirate company whose office space is sparse, you've got a failed yoga instructor wife who probably doesn't need to work anyway, and you've got an Internet company boss who mysteriously kills her father and is somehow an expert with the assaulting of needles. Wha?? What's next, Vivica A. Fox showing up as a next door neighbor with a menthol in her mouth and 5-6 cats? Ugh.

My Nightmare Office Affair is about just what the title says. A young man has a fling with his female superior and when he tries to break it off, she goes cray cray (which I already knew about 10 minutes in). There's no love "affair" here.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Whatever 1998 * * * Stars

JERSEY GIRL

I wasn't totally sure what the title meant in regards to 1998's Whatever. So yeah, I looked up its actual definition. The word has to do with lack of restriction so it makes more sense now. Whatever's characters as spotted wastoids seem like they are bound by nothing. 

Whatever is directed by Susan Skoog, a sort of recluse by today's standards (she has only done 2 films in the past 24 years). The flick might have drawn from Susan's own personal experiences growing up in the early 1980s but I could be wrong. Anyway her film is shot with a special lens I suppose making it look like it came out long before '98. Unwashed as a nearly two-hour teen drama, Whatever is a peek in snapshot, all hazy and punk and besmirched for the indie crowd. 

Coming out during the Larry Clark heyday with some added, Dazed and Confused flavor, Whatever is a character study, disjointed in its pacing but sometimes hard-hitting (and desolate) when it comes to pre-adult experiences. The movie centers around Anna Stockard (a perfectly cast Liza Weil). Anna wants to become an artist and get out of New Jersey but the allure of sex, drugs, booze, her shady inner circle, and even her mother keeps her grounded in slight, self-doubt. 

On reflection, Whatever's narrative seems a little fragmentary but its raw performances and left field, dry humor pull you through. And its sense of time and place is kind of slighted (the personas look more 90s than 80s) but hey, the soundtrack is killer, a mixture of Ramones, The Pretenders, and Rush (how random is that?). Flawed but nearly cultish, Whatever's message will always be clear: Being an angst-ridden teen is a tough job but remember, you got your whole life ahead of you. Just gotta keep livin' man. 

Written by Jesse Burleson