End of the Road 2022 * 1/2 Stars

IT'S UNNATURAL

2022's End of the Road is about a woman and her family who go on a road trip only to get caught in the crosshairs of a killer who wants his dirty moolah. Regrettably, "Road" suffers from a clear lack of suspense and malaise. It's as if Netflix decided to skip watching dailies, recycle other genre pics, and just churn out another unenthused thriller.

"Road's" co-star Ludacris acts like well, Ludacris (that means dialogue transformed into flowing, rap limericks). Another co-star in Beau Bridges, piggybacks off his brother's character in Hell or High Water while not making himself the most credible, oldtimer villain (spoiler). Only lead Queen Latifah provides enough raw and flinching capability for an audience member to take notice. Sadly her performance in End of the Road is kind of wasted to be honest.

So yeah, "Road" builds a little tension only to deflate it by playing the race card or providing comic relief or giving Latiah's momma bear Brenda almost nothing to bounce off of. The film is misguided and surprisingly idle, a sort of lukewarm version of Joyride, Breakdown, and 1971's Duel.

With "Road", we get the desert, we get the one car chase, we get the hotel room scenes, and we get the kidnapping sequence. What we don't get is a sense of foreboding because "Road's" director (Millicent Shelton) skims the surface only to bypass road trek madness and veer right into Johnson family vacation territory. If Brenda and her cubs are in any kind of danger, they certainly seem borderline rattled about the whole situation.

End of the Road provides an implausible twist and an ending that appears like an unintentional ploy to not root for its protagonist characters. Instead of fessing up and seeking legal, endorsing ramifications, they'd just assume to take the money and run. "Hoo-hoo-hoo".

Written by Jesse Burleson

McEnroe 2022 * * * Stars

"YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!"

If you don't know anything about John McEnroe, well you've probably been living under a rock. If you do know something about "Johnny Mac" (and I do), well 2022's McEnroe isn't gonna reinvent the wheel in terms of insight via the tennis great. Yeah we know he got mad and irate on the court. Yeah we know about his rivalry with Bjorn Borg and his friendship with the late Vitas Gerulaitis. Yeah we know that he plays a mean guitar and is a lifelong New Yorker. Now let's see how the whole shebang is handed out shall we.

So yeah, McEnroe is almost like a bullet point presentation that's chronological and la-di-da in its approach. The actual John McEnroe would never admit to it but his whole presence here verges on self-serving (no pun intended). But wait, I digress. McEnroe is expertly filmed by Barney Douglas and that's from a look and interview standpoint. Douglas goes for the 70s grain approach, showing rough cut archive footage that feels like you've entered a freaking time machine. McEnroe bleeds nostalgia when tennis was at its peak. It's all about the headbands, the wooden rackets, the rock 'n' roller, tennis line of action. John McEnroe was truly um, John McEn-fro. Natch.

McEnroe's hook is that it paints John as a regular Joe, a sort of mere mortal who still puts his pants on one leg at a time. I mean why else would a film crew follow him in present day, roaming the outskirts of New York City in the middle of the night. Uncanny. McEnroe also gives us probes of John McEnroe's inner circle that are candid and raw. The camera sort of peeks in when it knows it shouldn't. I can dig it. Overall, McEnroe is a documentary of a tennis legend that's an exercise in well worn style. It's worth recommending even though we've seen this net corded rodeo before.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Psycho Swim Instructor 2022 * * Stars

FREESTYLE

2022's Psycho Swim Instructor is about as low budget a thriller as I've seen on Lifetime Television. I mean you can literally count the shooting locations on one hand (rehab center, indoor pool, house, other house, outdoor pool). Hey I'm not saying it's a bad thing but boy is it noticeable. These locations feel soundstage-free as the producers probably paid the actual tenants to use said locations.

So yeah, Psycho Swim Instructor is pretty unambiguous. I mean it is about a cray cray swim instructor and in terms of movie titles, that's how Lifetime rolls. Except for one scene where a family member's body is completely gotten rid of by the use of hydrochloric acid (there's a new one), "Swim" is formulaic as water is wet (ha ha). It's as if "Swim's" director (veteran Doug Campbell) watched a bunch of past Lifetimer-s, took some memos, and proceeded to shoot the flick on a weekend. The only obligatory thing missing from Psycho Swim Instructor is that annoying best bud who's always in the ear of the vulnerable protagonist. I'm actually okay with that omission.

Psycho Swim Instructor checks all the Lifetime movie boxes. It's par for the course. You have the shocking opening sequence that the filmmakers come back to in the last twenty minutes (check). You have the remorseless nature of the baddie that's established in the first five (check). You have the dad character who is oblivious to the sneaky wrongdoings of the female who's mentally screwed (check). You have the happy ending that bypasses all the legal ramifications (check it). Finally, you have that LA, suburbanite setting with a couple of aerial shots of actual downtown (check yo self).

Minus a thumping amount of in the cards stuff, "Swim" is well-plotted, not too campy, and goes down easy if your mission is to kill 85 minutes on a Saturday afternoon. But if it's freshness dating you're looking for in 2022, Psycho Swim Instructor is more or less a weak "pedagogue".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Bullet Train 2022 * * Stars

BULLET WOUNDED

"Every job I do, somebody dies". So says Brad Pitt's latest star persona with glasses and bucket hat in toto.

Brad Pitt seems to have found a new career niche for himself. He's now an action star or a brooding butt-kicker. In Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and The Lost City, he was likable and curiously intimidating. In 2022's Bullet Train (my latest review), he's surprisingly annoying. Sigh.

A little Guy Ritchie here, a little Tarantino there, a little bit of Smokin' Aces. That's the vibe I got from viewing Bullet Train. Director David Leitch borrows from the best as he fast-cuts, hard cuts, and whip pans his way into oblivion. But hold up, there's more. "Train" is more unfocused than the stuff just mentioned. I mean it's a gory, violent, and unfunny mess. Heck, there's a whole lot of movie going on in the Pokemon-looking throes of the overextended Bullet Train. Sometimes too much is not always a good thang.

Now did I enjoy the bone-cracking fight sequences in "Train?" I did but the problem was the screeching halts in between comprised of deficient dialogue and badly dead-panned, dry humor. And did I think Bullet Train needed a better editor to condense its manifold running time of 126 minutes? Oh you betcha. "Train" has enough subplots, put-ons, and flashbacks to power a small country. There's just too many "bullet" points and you don't see Pitt's Ladybug for extended periods of time.

As something about some hired guns on a moving train headed to God knows where, Bullet Train would be tighter and more effective if it just learned to not blether and get down to business. It tries to be ultracool, ultramodern, and ultra violent but would rather give audiences a scatty, cinematic copyedit. We're talking a bronze "bullet" here instead of a silver one.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Alone with You 2021 * * * Stars

HOME ALONE

"People are fascinating" Uh yeah. People are also cray cray or maybe tormented by an afreet. 

So OK, 2021's Alone with You makes you feel "alone" while you watch it. No joke. As something about a woman who waits for her would-be girlfriend only to be trapped in her haunted abode, "Alone" is distant and dreamlike and cold and cutoff. The fact that the acting in "Alone" is pretty much a one-person show just enhances the experience. Kudos to Emily Bennett. The only other characters you see in "Alone" are on FaceTime screens, through pink elephants, or in flashbacks.  

Alone with You is something Terrence Malick might've been drawn to right after his historical, war phase. How transfixing. The pic could be about schizophrenia or some sort of evil entity that settles in a female's narrow apartment. You don't quite know throughout yet "Alone" never fails to be unsettling and/or keyed up. I mean this vehicle had a couple of jump scares that just knocked me into next week. Call it a Black Swan "swan song" if you will.

Alone with You's directors (star Emily Bennett, Justin Brooks) bring psychological horror and psychological ruse to the table. They revel in cutaways, bloodied imagery, quiet grandeur, and inching, mind manipulation. What you are seeing is either the aftermath of liquidation, the afterlife of suicide, or both. You as the viewer interpret what you want and that's the beauty of this medium we have with reels and strips. 

All in all, with "Alone" Bennett and Brooks could terrify you multiple times but don't. It's in reserve. Most of their scenes are either on edge, red herrings or something of the Hitchcockian flavor. I was teased one minute and then felt chills down my leg the other. I hope I'm not "alone" in this inference.  

Written by Jesse Burleson

Shattered 2022 * * * Stars

SHA OOBIE, SHATTERED

2022's Shattered is well, shattering (the title is trite but it kinda fits). It's a feature that never lets up and well, doesn't want to. Call it Misery with airbrush millennials. Call it 2015's Knock Knock without the Keanu overreaching and cringy threesomes. Finally call 911 and have the sirens blaring. Oh wait, that doesn't happen till the very end (a film cliche).

Shattered is about identity theft coupled with murder, manipulation, and torture. Ugh. No one wants that noise. A rich guy named Chris Decker (played by Cameron Monaghan) gets put through the ringer by a psychotic female bent on stealing his entire life savings. Chris should've never stuck his you know what in crazy, should've never invited crazy into his home, and should have never told crazy, "I love you". He did though to fuel the diegesis. Hence, there's a movie (yay).

Slick, tech savvy, and directed with modern-day panache by TV vet Luis Prieto, Shattered doesn't get its footing till the 40-minute mark. Yeah I was worried until things finally got dicey (in a good way). Prieto fashions Shattered as kind of rote but somehow he gets by. I mean thriller enthusiasts (like myself) just salivate when a flick involves that old adage of anyone being held against their will by a chiquita who is off the reservation. We want said chiquita to get what's coming to her even if her makeup and bruised ego get a little desheveled (that's an understatement).  

Shattered co-stars John Malkovich and Frank Grillo whose roles could probably be played in their sleep (you won't mind). As for the main antagonist (Lilly Krug as Sky), well she's a nasty femme fatale with a mean streak and a knack for using her spread-eagle as a taut, lethal weapon. Mercy. She left me in "tatters".

Written by Jesse Burleson  

Day Shift 2022 * * 1/2 Stars

DAY IN DAY OUT

Jamie Foxx acts like well, Jamie Foxx. Dave Franco acts like well, Dave Franco. Their comedic foil has its moments in 2022's Day Shift. "Shift" is indeed a comedy, a comedy about hunting vampires. Just think Men in Black but nix the aliens. Just think Blade but in its most goofy form. Heck, Jamie Foxx's character (Bud Jablonski) would probably tell the overly-serious Eric Brooks to lighten up a bit. 

So yeah, Day Shift is a film that lives in an unconcerned fantasy land, where blood-drinking creatures roam sunny LA and almost everyone is oblivious to them. "Shift" is also directed by a rookie in J.J. Perry. Perry a stunt coordinator by trade, uses plenty of doubles here. You can tell. The action sequences in "Shift" move at a hasty clip but grow repetitive after a while. Reminiscent of all things self-defense, they have that been there, done that feel to them. 

Now would I recommend Day Shift? Maybe if it would've come out in say, 2002. Do I feel that the talented Jamie Foxx is probably above this sort of material? A little bit. I mean the guy won an Oscar and was nominated for another. Finally, do I think Day Shift is a fresh entry in the vampire pantheon genre? No but it's harmless. You could somewhat enjoy it with your cronies in a beer-and-pizza sort of way. 

Day Shift's plot is a little vague in regards to the antagonist's motivations. I mean they could've offed Bud numerous times but somehow it's delayed. The flick has a deeper palate when it dives into Bud's yearn to collect vampire teeth in order to pay for his daughter's private school tuition and braces. 

Pater responsibilities aside, "Shift" has a slick and sun-drenched look, coupled with the driest of humor that probably wasn't intentional (but there it is). Considering all the vampire pics that came before Day Shift, I was sort of looking for something a little more "shifty". Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Fall 2022 * * * 1/2 Stars

TAKE THIS PLUNGE

2022's Fall is a three-dimensional, panoramic jaw-dropper. Watching it, you want to leave the theater or just close your eyes but you can't. Like a car accident, Fall makes you unable to look away from the acrophobic havoc that's forced upon you. A panic attack in full I had. 

Fall clocks in at 107 minutes and those ends justify the means. It's just right. Director Scott Mann ups the ante here, creating new tale of survival circumstances where your fingernails are pretty much gnawed to the nub. I mean Mann had to build some hurdles to facilitate Fall's average running time. Otherwise it would be just two girls trapped on top of a radio tower, waiting to bite it. 

So is the dialogue in Fall a little cheesy (especially in the early goings)? Yep. It's sort of Lifetime-like with the addition of Snapchats and Instagram-s and what not (ugh). Is the editing in Fall a tad choppy? Yes but it doesn't matter. You'll feel way too twitchy to give a rat's butt. Finally, do Fall's characters nonchalantly act in peril when stuff really gets real? Early on yeah. Heck, I could've done without a rendition of Warrant's "Cherry Pie" in the stylings of acapella.

Fall stars Grace Caroline Currey as Becky and Virginia Gardner as Hunter. After the death of Becky's husband, her and Hunter decided to climb a 2000 foot, TV satellite structure in the middle of nowhere (it sure looked like Arizona to me). Because said structure is old and crusty, parts of it break off and Becks and Hunter are confined to the top with pretty much no chance of getting down. 

So OK, we've seen movies like Fall before. You know with sharks and water and SUVs and hotel rooms. It's about the isolation, the captivity, the limited resources, the adrenaline-packed will to live on. With Fall, the proceedings however have never been this potent, this heady. The visuals? Well they're just an added plus. Yeah it's CGI but whatev, it's the good kind. Helmer Scott Mann provides Fall with a sense of vertigo (duh), a sense of the axonometric, and a dusty palate that's widescreen heaven. If you have a fear of heights (and I do), then Fall will just perpetuate that fear and do it in spades. "Ride for a fall". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Black Phone 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

DIAL M FOR "MEH"

2021's The Black Phone is an almost neutered fright fest. At 102 nippy minutes, "Phone" combines horror with the supernatural in an uneven if not wholly avant-garde fashion. Could "Phone" have been a little scarier? I mean yeah. There are some tense moments but those moments come from the concept of 70s, school boy bullying. And does The Black Phone have a decent sense of time and place? You darn tootin. The film is late, "'Me' decade" Colorado chic, all grainy and ill-lit colored with Sweet's "Fox on the Run" grooving in the background.

Based on a short story circa 2004 and directed by the guy who helmed the first Doctor Strange (Scott Derrickson), "Phone" is mean-spirited and wayward, the way it kind of was with teenagers over forty years ago. 

So let's break it all down shall we? If a Stephen King tale was made into something so compact, so compressed, it would be The Black Phone. If Super 8 had John Wayne Gacy sickos attached instead of extraterrestrial life forms, then "Phone" would suffice. Finally, if the late Jonathan Demme decided to go on substitute holiday and make something on the fly, then "Phone" would be his go-to. 

The Black Phone with its landline as proverbial star presence, is about what it says it is (naturally). Said landline helps a captive teen communicate with the past victims of a deranged killer. The teen in question is played by Mason Thames (as Finney) and his character is being held in a basement by a masked psycho named The Grabber (played by Ethan Hawke). 

A jolt here, a whip pan there, a ghostly image or two. That's what you get with The Black Phone. It's restrained stuff and its biggest bit of the unobtrusive is Ethan Hawke getting very little screen time or little rearing to his persona. He snarls and poses but whatever. The producers would rather fade away from him and back to "black". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

4x4 2019 * * 1/2 Stars

HALF-SHAFT

"Hello, welcome aboard". Uh-huh, whatever. Welcome to a nightmare of tinted windows, HAL on the Bluetooth, and soundproof interiors. 

So yeah, 2019's 4x4 refers to an SUV, a four wheeler that would give any Plymouth Fury a run for its money. 4x4's main character (Ciro played by Peter Lanzani) gets trapped in the SUV after committing a swift B & E. Bummer. The owner of said SUV (Dr. Enrique Ferrari played by Dady Brieva) keeps Ciro in the car for days through some sort of annoying orchestration. Yup, we've got an Oldboy situation going on. 

4x4 is a ruthless thriller that stretches its forecast at least for most of the way. Featuring Spanish subtitles and sparse dialogue, its first hour is pure simplicity and that's the highlight. Director Mariano Cohn uses one set location, one luxury conveyance, and one actor to create the shakes while nearly chilling you to the bone. Watching 4x4, I was actually scared as heck to get in my own car and shut the door. Like Jaws and the fear of water, 4x4 is Jaws with vinyl leather seating. Yeesh. 

Lanzani in the lead role is literally unfeigned. He demonstrates amazing acting from a physical standpoint. Whether he's dying of thirst, dying of hunger, dying of cold, or dying of heat, you feel his twinge. I mean the dude is still a human being even though he's a yegg. It's only when 4x4 deviates from his bind and becomes a hostage pic that it loses its proverbial steam. Gone is the mystery, gone is the nasty gimmick, gone is most of the dramatic momentum. If 4x4 was trimmed down to an hour and ten minutes (the running time is 90), then it would've been a compact transmission of the highest order (pun intended, haha). In this case, less would have been more. Over the "cornering limit". 

Written by Jesse Burleson