Death She Wrote 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE

"I'm just a huge fan". Uh-oh, creep-o alert. The huge fan is Mary Malone and she is played pretty effectively by Paula Brancati. Paula's Malone is a real spazz. I mean you dislike her just by eye alone. 

Brancati and Samora Smallwood (as Lila DeMarco) star in 2021's Death She Wrote. Death She Wrote is I suppose a nod to the TV show Murder, She Wrote. Be that as it may, the flick is more like 1990's Misery than anything else. 

Death She Wrote is a Lifetime movie that at first, gets a few things wrong. It's about a famous author who hires a kooky fangirl to be her personal assistant. Here's the wrong part: Mary Malone is cray cray right off the bat and should have never been booked the job in the first place. It's way too obvious putting Death She Wrote on complete autopilot for the first hour. The other wrong part is the Lila DeMarco character who is completely oblivious to Malone's kookiness. And do writers and/or novelists really need personal assistants? I'm a writer (last time I checked) and I don't need anyone holding my darn hand. Again autopilot. 

Death She Wrote despite its annoying audience self-evidence, does sneak up on you in the second and third act. The Malone persona is proof of that as she becomes the millennial version of Annie Wilkes. Mary Malone wants to be Lila DeMarco, wants to keep Lila sedated in her house, and ultimately wants to off Lila. Malone is a social media hacker and a guileful smother-er. In other words she's a real piece of work. 

Bottom line: Death She Wrote has some tense moments and for the most part, builds quite nicely. But the crazy Malone shows her true colors so early you want to throw popcorn at everyone who is unaware of her "look at me" chemical imbalance. Heck, I almost "wrote" this film off. Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson  

Lethal Love Triangle 2021 * * * Stars

LEGS OF A TRIANGLE 

"Someone is out there and someone just killed my best friend". Wow that stinks. Unfortunately in the world of Lifetime these are regular occurrences, like breathing.  

Anyway in Lethal Love Triangle, the "triangle" is two female students and a self-assured, would-be male killer. Cole (played by Lifetime-r Jacob Taylor) is the research subject that just got released from prison for a crime he says he didn't commit. The dude is so mellow and dulcet, his resting heart rate is probably not even above thirty.  

So yeah, "Lethal" is a Lifetime thriller-slash-drama that might be the first to ever venture into neo-noir territory. Most of its scenes occur via nighttime with soft gleaming and a little danger always lurking around the corner. 

Director Daniel West (a first-timer but not in the writing department) creates a slow burn whodunit with a couple of red herrings, some intricacies, and some rack focusing. His Lethal Love Triangle doesn't always ratchet up the tension but alas, it's full of inky and unease-d atmospherics.

Taking place in I guess Massachusetts and garnering funding from Dawn's Light (when the movie is anything but), "Lethal" moves slowly and languidly until a doozy of a twist occurs at the end (the twist is sound and of the 180 kind).

Lethal Love Triangle, well it reminded me of two studio flicks. From a psychological standpoint, you got remnants of 2000's Gossip. On the serial killer front, "Lethal" gave off a sort of vibe a la Jon Avnet's 88 Minutes (a movie Al Pacino might have been coerced into doing).

With a bevy of Lifetime network pics, there's sometimes a lot of sleaze and camp involved. Lethal Love Triangle eases up on the two and comes off as a tad more cultured. You might not "love" it but you won't hate it either. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Burning Little Lies 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

BURN BABY BURN!

"Life marches on". You mean Lifetime "marches" on. The network has compiled 2000 titles and its assembly line is an oiled machine.

Anyway in 2021's Burning Little Lies, the "burning" has to do with houses going up in flames. And yup, the flames in "Lies" are fake CGI to the hilt. 

So OK, Burning Little Lies is a Lifetime thriller whose thrills are barely in fits and starts. Most of the time the film plays solely just for camp. "Lies" is not cinematic art mind you. It's trashy yet mild soap opera incarnate. After the director yelled cut, I could just see the actors say, "oh yeah I nailed that line, love that!"

Burning Little Lies is helmed by veteran TV guy John Murlowski. John keeps things pretty hacked up until the big twist comes about an hour in. I got to admit, I didn't pick up on this surprise revelation so kudos to Murlowski. He gives the audience a maxed out red herring until the actual antagonist shows his squeaky clean face. The initial nice guy character in "Lies", well he turns out to be a real pisser. 

Shot in what looks like the Hollywood Hills and distributed by a non-US company (huh?), Burning Little Lies is about a young woman who has googly eyes for a hunky firefighter. But hey, the firefighter may or may not be trying to ruin her life (look closer, hint hint). Any conflict in "Lies" arises from attempted accidental murder, insurance money collection, catty half-sibling slang, and you guessed it, internal combustion. 

Sometimes "Lies" almost makes out like an unintentional comedy (the melodramatic acting and uneven musical score are assurances of that). Other times the flick feels a little too flamboyant and/or theatrical for its own good. Don't "lie" Lifetime. You wanted it that way!

Written by Jesse Burleson

Old 2021 * 1/2 Stars

PAST ONE'S PRIME

In 2021's Old, the "old" refers to vacationers aging like mad via a remote beach in the Dominican Republic (where Old was shot). It's a creepy premise that Old fumbles profusely. Yup, this film could've been so much more (more meaning compelling). 

So yeah, Old is a thriller that takes the cheap route on a budget of $18 million. With ripen timelines all askew, you never see the stranded characters really age except for 2-3 children. That's because they are replaced by older-looking troupers every half hour or so (the makeup department was obviously on holiday). 

Old is directed by twist monger and Spielbergian ripper, M. Night Shyamalan. Ever since he found success with The Sixth Sense, Shyamalan has been able to make his brand of movie for the past 20 years. Most of his stuff has been misses while little of his stuff has been hits (I for sure dug Split). M. Night peaked at The Sixth Sense and that's what you call an early peak.

With Old, Shyamalan forgets his craft as he comes off like a dude that never helmed a flick before. The camerawork is the main culprit as M. Night shoots with sloppy angles and well, unnecessary whips and pans. The rhythms of the actors suffer due to this and the daft script makes them seem pretty unlikable. What's left is the surprise ending and Shyamalan sadly has that printed in every contract. 

Old's gotcha conclusion is interesting but it also leaves a couple questions unanswered. I suppose that's why Shyamalan ends Old more than once because he's not confident the audience knows where things are fully headed. Bottom line: Old is a hack job for M. Night Shyamalan who once was hailed as the next Hitchcock. When he makes yet another cameo in Old, you realize this guy is just "long in the tooth". 

Written by Jesse Burleson

Envy: Seven Deadly Sins 2021 * * * Stars

SOLID SPITE

"She wants to be you!" Who doesn't want to be a successful businesswoman with a bomb house, a straight arrow husband, and a gift from God daughter.

Anyway in Envy: Seven Deadly Sins, the "envy" is perpetrated by a half-sister named Keisha. Keisha has had it rough growing up and now wants a taste of the good life. "Envy" portrays her as not necessarily crazy but as a person who does bad things and is misunderstood. Lifetime deviates from the normal unhinged path here and I must say, it's kinda refreshing.

So yeah, Envy: Seven Deadly Sins is a Lifetime flick that doesn't adhere to the campy and trashy. It would rather lend a sympathetic ear to the viewer by including an ending that provides resolution and forgiveness. "Envy" is not an LA story but an Atlanta one. The Georgia-based locale doesn't feel like window dressing but more a character in the story. "Hotlanta" becomes well, "sins" city.

Released in April of this year, containing religious undertones, and building its diegesis in one's own good time, Envy: Seven Deadly Sins chronicles downtrodden hairdresser Keisha (played by 26-year-old Serayah). Keisha is bent on finding the father she never knew as well as the half-sister she never thought she had. When she does finally track them down, Keisha enters their lives and tries to destroy their well-off mojo. Keisha doesn't want her victims to bite the dust mind you. She just wants to be them and flavor their upper class happiness.

Sure "Envy" is choppily edited and like most Lifetime pics, the characters are a little wishy-washy in their actions. But hey, Envy: Seven Deadly Sins is more sophisticated than most Lifetime fare. It's a movie with a conscience, devoid of murder and all that over the top, overripe stuff. I "envy" any type of genre entry that tries to change that game. Erred green-eyed monster.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Dead in the Water 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

DEAD ZONE

"There's someone watching us". I'm watching Dead in the Water right now and I'm about to review it. It's Lifetime so time to break the cork out!

Anyway in 2021's Dead in the Water, the "dead" refers to a nasty brother who drowns after bullying his sister. That scene comes to in a series of flashbacks throughout. One of said flashbacks nearly gave me the creeps. You'll know if you take in a viewing.

So OK, Dead in the Water is a mystery half-thriller that struggles to find its footing. You don't know what it's about or how it's about until an hour in. The good-looking actors do their best with an uneven script as their tones shift on a dime. Oh and Dead in the Water's setting is forestry luridness that never quite gives you its location (it sure looked like Oregon to me).

Directed, written, and produced by one woman (Simi Valley's own Nanea Miyata), Dead in the Water chronicles a photog named Tara (played by Catherine Lidstone). Tara gets dumped by her rocker boyfriend and decides to pertain in a weekend getaway with bestie Amy (Angela Guiner). From there, chaos and conflict ensues when the two cross paths with a scruffy drifter named Lucas (played by Tyler Hoechlin lookalike Peter Porte).

Dead in the Water looks good even if you don't get its initial gist. That's thanks to lush cinematography by Nathan Haugaard that appears like something Sam Mendes would have done circa twenty years ago. Director Miyata is also committed as she gets all Hitchcockian on us. Nanea uses interesting camera angles, slow burn minatory, and stylish whims to get the audience going. Her film eventually takes the easy way out by descending into a plot about a psycho obsessing and stalking a young female. No freshness winding up here just "dead" load.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Held 2020 * * 1/2 Stars

HELD UNTRUE

"You will not leave the house again". Alright-y. Sounds like a hoot. Those are the words spoken by an evil voice in 2020's Held. The house in question is really state of the art. Still, I'd avoid hanging out there the minute I entered. The female lead in Held (Jill Awbrey) didn't heed that advice.

Anyway, Held is about a married couple on the outs who become trapped in a rental space via the middle of nowhere. Oh and it gets better. They have a tracking device implanted in them that shocks them if they try anything funny.

Released in April of this year, directed by two dudes (Travis Cluff, Cliff Lofing), and containing acting that's kinda subpar, Held is pretty creepy from the get-go. We don't know why these spouses are being forced against their will and we don't know why the antagonist knows so much about their personal lives. As for Held's look, well it's sterile and clean as Cluff and Lofing shoot the film with a sense of pristine voyeurism. There's spy cameras in the house, a crawl space, and a secret room with a 60s vibe (just look at the darn television set).

Now is Held effective in its first and partially second act? Oh for sure. I was a little perturbed by it. Is the twist that comes near the end of Held the icing on the cake? Uh not quite.

Held's gotcha conclusion (which you can kinda see coming) takes away some of the dramatic momentum. You want hubby and consort to be trapped in their abode Oldboy-style but that doesn't really come to fruition. Held turns into just another rote thriller where the female heroine escapes by killing a couple of scumbags in self-defense. In truth, I was only "held" in suspense for the flick's first hour (of a 95-minute running time). When I figured out what was really going on with this warped form of marriage counseling, I just "checked out".

Written by Jesse Burleson

Out of Death 2021 * * 1/2 Stars

DEATH HUNT

Out of Death is my latest review. It's a crime thriller that tries so hard for you to like it. It really does. "Death" is 95 minutes long but it feels like two hours. I mean it's all over the place. It's ambitious, it has fairly good intentions, but it's flawed to the nth degree. To recommend Out of Death would be the equivalent of giving it a pass. Uh, I don't give passes.

So OK, "Death" is I guess a Western or a pseudo Western if you will. It's about a woman hiker who witnesses a murder by a member of a corrupt police force. Bruce Willis co-stars as Jack Harris, a retired cop who helps said witness expose the baddie po-po. Willis is of course comatose but the movie sort of rises above him. I mean I've seen much worse Willis outings in my day ("Death" is a welcome surprise compared to cow dung like Vice and Precious Cargo).

Like I said earlier, Out of Death is ambitious but boy is it eye-rolling. Rookie director Mike Burns doesn't know when to quit. Accompanied by show off editing from R. J. Cooper, Burns uses title cards with chapters attached as if he were Quentin Tarantino. Come on dude, just shoot like a normal bloke! Mike also imposes fake CGI raindrops, weird camera angles, a recycled screenplay, and co-written music that seems to come in at every waking moment. Heck, "Death's" unrestrained score doesn't always fit the scenes. It shifts more in tone than Tony Stewart shifts gears at a freaking NASCAR race.

The acting in Out of Death is I guess palatable but sometimes you see the troupers almost forgetting their lines and pausing. What the??? And what's with Willis filming all his clips in one day (I read that on the flick's wiki page). I guess that's what stardom means. Bottom line: Out of Death is watchable but you have to keep your integrity as a viewer. Don't exactly yield to it. "Death" knell all but.

Written by Jesse Burleson

Showbiz Kids 2020 * * * 1/2 Stars

"SHOW ME" STATE

Showbiz Kids is my latest review. It's a documentary without an arc. It has no beginning, no middle, and no clear-cut end. Still, I must say that every child actor and their parents needs to give it a look-see. It might prevent Hollyweird from taking another one down.   

So OK, "Showbiz" is a docu that doesn't need flash or overindulgence to get its point across. It's just a self-effacing portrait of troupers recalling what it was like to work in the film industry via a fairly young age. Evan Rachel Wood, Milla Jovovich, and Wil Wheaton put their two cents in. Oh and Todd Bridges gets thrown into the mix cause well, you just knew he'd be included. 

Showbiz Kids gives us the usual interviews and the usual archive footage. But by hook or crook, it still hits you pretty hard. At 95 minutes "Showbiz" with its "call backs" as subsequent metaphor, just gets darker and darker (and darker). The rabbit hole here is uh, a real pisser. 

The director of Showbiz Kids is none other than Alex Winter (Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure). Winter skimps on the usual documentary style as he goes for talk show moments from stars a la "where are they now?" Alex doesn't want these laddies or lassies to recall the good times of being on screen. He rather wants them to warn and heed the dangers of being a child star cooked by the cold stodgy-s of sunny LA. 

So yeah, I'm a film buff, I love movies, and I when I write reviews, I tell it like it is. But I have sympathy for what these people have gone through with fame, haggled money, and such. Yeah I've seen some of their flicks and I've disliked some of their stuff but I've only viewed it from the outside. For that I am sorry. These "kids are alright" in my book. 

Written by Jesse Burleson

The Last Blockbuster 2020 * Star

BLOCKHEAD

"They should just stay open, call themselves something else." Uh no. Video stores are obsolete for a reason. People would rather hit the old Redbox, surf YouTube, go to a theater post-Covid, or stream something. I mean that's the norm now unless you've been in a coma for ten years.

So yeah, The Last Blockbuster is a documentary about the last Blockbuster video store in Bend, Oregon. And um, the manager is still trying to keep it open (that's not something to brag about). I say why. Why keep a store afloat with a name that is almost a running joke at this point. People chuckle when the designation Blockbuster Video is mentioned these days. We've all moved on but said manager obviously hasn't. She's stuck in a time warp circa 1999.

Released in December 2020 and featuring some goofy narration by Lauren Lapkus, The Last Blockbuster is a badly eccentric docu that gives a Bend family fifteen minutes of fame for trying to keep relevant the already bygone, Blockbuster name.

There are interviews by actors and CEO-s that tell us the history of Blockbuster Video and why it has found a place in nostalgia. Gimme a break. Were they paid to "bend" the truth (no pun intended)? I could give a rat's butt what Kevin Smith, Ione Skye, and Adam Brody have to say. I mean I would've completely forgotten about Blockbuster had this silly flick not found its way onto Netflix (which subsequently ran Blockbuster Video business into the ground).

All in all, The Last Blockbuster with its too little, too late irrelevance, should've probably never been made. Captain Marvel's trailer only fueled that limp fire. Added to that, The Last Blockbuster is pretentious stuff that at the same time, doesn't even bother to take itself seriously. It's not even worth a "rental". Natch.

Written by Jesse Burleson